Yeesh, it’s been over a month between updates. Much apologies. So much for getting every WWF April PPV done before the Backlash PPV.
Basically, my laptop keyboard fell apart on me through my own carelessness, and I was forced to replace it. However, the company that ships these things apparently take FOREVER, and promptly took about 5 weeks. 3 business days my ass.
So here we are. Thankfully I have 4 columns besides this one In The Can, so updates should be frequent. I know I’m WAY late on this one, so we’ll start here… WWE Jukebox, February 2005 Edition!
(Note: If any comments here are dated, I apologize, this was written over a month ago.)
BILLY KIDMAN vs. JOHN CENA
October 24, 2002
WWE Preview: John Cena came into WWE in June of 2002 and the fans really seemed to take to him. But after a match against Billy Kidman, Cena snapped and fans quickly turned their backs. What happened to make Cena snap? Watch this match to find out.
Cena’s got the peach tights tonight. Kidman goes for a rollup a couple seconds in and gets 2. An enzuigiri gets 2. Cena heads to the outside, and Kidman tries to follow with a plancha. He’s caught, and driven back first into the ringpost. Back in, Cena gets 2. A whip sends Kidman to the buckle, and a spinebuster gets 2! Cena gets a little pissed here that he hasn’t won yet, while Cole pimps the debut of Tough Enough 3. Kidman hits a rana and follows with a dropkick. A back elbow off the second rope gets 2! Kidman goes up again, hits another rana, hooks the ropes, and scores the pinfall at 2:46. 1/2* Yes, 2 and a half years ago, Cena was jobbing to Billy f*cking Kidman. Cena pitches a fit to the referee after the match about the use of the ropes, and beats the tar out of Kidman. Outside, he whips Kidman to the steps, and leaves him for dead. And thus a heel turn is kicked off!
LOS GUERREROS vs. JOHN CENA and B2 (for the WWE tag-team titles)
January 16, 2003
WWE Preview: After turning his back on the fans, Cena found a new friend in B-2. The two teamed up against Los Guerreros for the WWE Tag Team Championship. After the match Cena once again proved that he can’t be trusted by anyone. Watch and find out why this was the last time Cena and B-2 teamed up.
Cole sends his condolences to the whole Wilson family, because the week before Dawn Marie had f*cked Al to death. For those who weren’t watching at the time, I’m honestly not making that up.
“Since when did the Meadowlands become a place for Mexi-cans?
Go back to Home Depot, become one of they hired hands
I’ve got plans to take around your gold waste bands
Your face is sorry like New York Giants fans
My alliance spans mad untouchable clique
Livin’ la vida loca but my name ain’t Rick
Martin and I’ll keep you starvin’ like concentration camps
Go back to freeways selling oranges on off-ramps
The new champs untouchable like Elliot Ness
What are ya gonna do, put a hole in your chest?
Eddie and Chavo ya’ll are worn out like Mark Bavaro
I used to love Lucy and hated Ricky Ricardo
I got your number kid, so whatcha gonna do
The rap is over so give it to B2″
“BOO-YAH!”
That felt a lot more refreshing than the corporate processed raps he spews these days. Cena starts with Eddie. Cena knocks Chavo off the apron, but walks into a drop toe hold from Eddie. A dropkick levels him, and Chavo comes in to take over. Eddie snapmares Cena into a dropkick from Chavo for 2! Chavo hits a backdrop, Eddie hits a slingshot senton, and the Guerreros are on fire! Eddie hits another backdrop suplex, and teases Bling Bling Buchanon. Chavo fires off a snap suplex, and B2 finally attacks. Chavo ducks a clothesline, nails him with a backdrop suplex, and decks Cena. Eddie kicks at the leg of B2, but Cena pulls down the ropes when Eddie charges, and he crashes to the floor. Cena slams Eddie on the floor, rolls him in, B2 hits a Falcon arrow…and gets 2! Cena locks Eddie in a front facelock, but Eddie fights to the ropes and tags out. Cena launches Chavo with a snap suplex, and then locks him in the front facelock as well. Chavo escapes, hits a dropkick, so Cena tags out. Eddie hits B2 with a DDT for 2. Chavo dumps both guys outside and tries a plancha. They catch him – but can’t catch Eddie who does the same thing! B2 and Chavo get back into the ring. Chavo hits a dropkick and heads up. He nails the Froggie Splash and scores the win at 5:04 to retain! **3/4 Really good tag-team match. Cena flips, and piefaces his partner. B2 shoves him right back, but now REDD DOGG gets involved! He and Cena run B2 shoulder first into the ringpost! Redd Dogg locks on the Fujiwara armbar, and the referee forces him to break it up. This partnership didn’t last long, and Redd Dogg would wind up on RAW shortly thereafter as Rodney Mack.
JOHN CENA vs. RIKISHI
March 27, 2003
WWE Preview: John Cena was on a mission to take out Brock Lesnar, but first he had to face Rikishi. Could Cena get the massive Rikishi up for the F-U?
Cena attacks Rikishi as he’s making his way into the ring. He throws as many punches and kicks as he can, but Rikishi still comes back with some strong rights. Cena is dumped to the outside, giving Rikishi time to take off his moo-moo. Cena whips Rikishi into the ringsteps, and starts tearing apart the padding on the security wall. He drives Rikishi back first into the exposed wall a number of times, rolls the fat man in, and gets 2. Cena locks on a rear naked choke to try and force a tapout, but no dice. Rikishi fights back to his feet after nearly 90 seconds in the hold, and throws some rights. A clothesline is followed by a Samoan drop. Cena tries a sunset flip, but Rikishi won’t go down. Superkick, butt butt, and you know what happens next. Cena swallows his first ass, and Rikishi heads up. The Banzai is blocked with his feet, Cena grabs his chain (err…) – decks Rikshi with it…but only gets 2!!! An F-U finishes for real at 5:19! **1/4 Good for what it was. Cena grabs the stick.
“YO! YO BROCK! You still think I’m a joke? We serious now! This is basic thuganomics! You want pain, you come down here and get some pain! I’m calling you out right now! Oh…aight. You don’t want some? WELL I’M COMING TO GET SOME!” And Cena storms to the back…
JOHN CENA vs. EDDIE GUERRERO
April 3, 2003
WWE Preview: To determine the No. 1 Contender for Brock Lesnar’s WWE Championship, a tournament was held. John Cena faced Eddie Guerrero in the first round, and it should be no surprise that the end result was a stellar match.
After Brock nearly killed himself with a Shooting Star Press at Wrestlemania XIX, the WWE opted to give him a little time off – booking a #1 contender’s tournament leading into Backlash. This was a first round match. Cena attacks Eddie from behind before the bell, and works over his back. In the corner, Cena chokes Eddie out. A delayed vertical suplex gets 2. Cena applies a bearhug, but Eddie starts to punch away, so Cena hits a belly to belly for 2. Eddie comes back with some headbutts – and dodges a blind charge with a drop toe hold to the buckle. The flying jalapeno leaves Cena staggering, and Eddie lays in a series of clotheslines. Eddie nails his rolling vertical suplex combo, and heads up for the Froggie Splash. Cena stands, so Eddie hits a missile dropkick instead, getting 2! Cena comes back with an electric chair drop, and grabs his chain (err…). Eddie dropkicks the chain back in Cena’s face, and grabs Cena’s chain (!!!!) himself. The referee tosses it away, Eddie hits a backdrop suplex, and heads up! A senton splash misses the mark, but a rana doesn’t! He charges…right into the FU, and Cena scores an upset pin at 4:52. *3/4 These guys work well together, and playing up Cena/Guerrero with Eddie as a heel challenging for the belt wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world these days.
JOHN CENA vs. THE UNDERTAKER
April 10, 2003
WWE Preview: In round two of the No. 1 Contender’s tournament, John Cena had to take on the Undertaker. Would Cena be able to defeat the Deadman on his own, or would he need some help?
Round 2! If you think Taker’s jobbing clean here, you’re out of your mind. This is apparently not Undertaker’s first barbecue…whatever that means. Taker throws some elbows in the corner, and follows with the high knees. Taker yells “YOU STILL WANNA TALK TO ME?” at Cena. Note to aspiring wrestlers: Don’t talk to Undertaker. He doesn’t care for it. Cena kicks Taker in the face, but that just pisses him off further, and Cena eats a chokeslam. It’s too close to the ropes, and Cena drapes his foot on them at 2. Taker grinds his elbow into Cena’s face, and stomps him out of the ring as we take a break.
Upon return, Cena’s laid out with his face dangling out of the ring. The legdrop on the apron happens quickly enough, and Cena squeals. A running clothesline levels Cena, and here come the soup bones. Cena grabs his chain (err…), and punches Taker in the face! That knocks him loopy, and he rolls out to recover. As he comes back in, Cena knocks Taker off the apron, and he falls on the security wall. Cena follows him out of the ring, and tears at the arm. Back in, Cena demands the referee count out the Undertaker. Taker heads back in, but Cena hits him with a baseball slide dropkick. Outside, Cena stomps on Taker’s hand, rolls him in, and pounds on the elbow. Taker uses the elbowpad as a weapon to nail Cena, and goes Old School. He goes for the Last Ride, but Cena escapes and hits a flying armbar for 2! Cena bars the arm, but Taker throws a soup bone. A snake eyes is followed by a big boot, and calls for the chokeslam. An avalanche misses Cena, but hits the referee! Cena fires off a spinebuster, and goes for FU. It’s reversed into a Last Ride, but we have no referee. THE FBI hit the ring now, and Undertaker disposes of all 3 quickly. However, Chuck gets back in, levels him with a chair, and all 3 guys stomp away. Cena slowly crawls over as the referee awakes, and scores the pinfall at 11:22! **1/2
JOHN CENA vs. BROCK LESNAR (for the WWE title)
April 27, 2003
WWE Preview: John Cena beat the odds and earned a shot at Brock Lesnar’s WWE Championship at Backlash. After defeating Eddie Guerrero, Undertaker and Chris Benoit, could Cena complete the sweep and take out Lesnar for the championship?
“Yo yo yo yo, kill the beat. Cause yall listening to the next WWE champion…
Yo, the list of legends that held the title now include me bro
I’ll be a better champion than Bruno Sammartino
This is thuganomics, I’ve got opponents holding crutches
I’m iron like the Sheik, I’ll hold you in my camel clutches
I lost my mind like Mankind, pulling socks from his asscrack
I’m straight, you’re Dude Love, so get off the Cactus Jack
I’ll take your varsity letters and medals, I’ll leave you mangled and hurt
I’m attacking from all Angles, you’ll be calling me Kurt
And I’m wearing this Yankees jersey ’cause Massachusetts makes me sick
You don’t like what I’m saying? Well you can suck my ….”
Cena of course was nowhere near ready for the title shot here on pay-per-view, but unfortunately the WWE booked themselves into this corner by having Lesnar cause an “injury” – and Cena catching fire in his time off. While Lesnar’s taking off his belt, Cena attacks from behind. It doesn’t last, because seconds later Cena’s on the receiving end of a pair of backbreakers, turned into a fallaway slam. Lesnar hits a pair of vertical suplexes, and gets 2. Lesnar works a headlock and a “GOLDBERG” chant breaks out. A beautiful fisherman’s suplex leaves Cena squealing, and he begs off. Lesnar charges, but Cena gets an elbow up. It’s no sold, and Cena gets nailed with a gorilla press. A clothesline sends the challenger to the outside, and Lesnar’s right on his heels. Lesnar whips Cena to the announce table, and taunts him with the WWE title. They head back in, but Cena immediately bails and grabs a chair. Lesnar cuts him off before he can use it, and throws high knees at Cena’s ribs. Cena comes back with a whip to the steps, and starts posing with the title. A camera shot reveals that Lesnar’s busted open. Back in, Cena gets 2. A backdrop suplex gets 2. Cena starts kicking at Lesnar’s face, and gets another 2. Flying jalapeno gets 2. I’ll give him credit for going for as many pinfalls as possible. Cena throws a shoulder at Lesnar, knocking him to the apron. Cena chokes Brock out in the ropes, releases, then tries to decapitate him with a guillotine legdrop! They head back out again, where Cena throws Lesnar head first to the ringpost. Back in, Cena covers for 2. Cena starts working a chinlock in order to squeeze as much blood from Lesnar’s forehead as he can, and in cool visual, he smears Brock’s blood on his own face. A DDT from Cena gets 2! Cena goes for a running knee, but Lesnar pops up and hits a spinebuster! Cena comes back with a jawbreaker and clothesline for 2. Cena decides to try something new, whipping out a rear naked choke, and a “LET’S GO CENA!” chant actually starts! After nearly 2 minutes in the hold, Brock gets to his feet, and runs Cena back first from buckle to buckle and breaks the hold! The “CENA” chants grow louder. Brock hits a trio of running lariats, follows with a powerslam, and gets 2! A running powerslam gets another 2! Cena tries to shove Lesnar into the ref, but Brock stops shot…so Cena goes low and gets 2! A Curt Hennig necksnap gets 2! Lesnar runs Cena back to the corner, driving him head first to the buckle. Cena sees his chain, grabs it, but the referee steals it away. Lesnar immediately grabs Cena, hits the F5, and that’s all she wrote at 15:05. **1/2 The match was okay, but with another few years under their belts, this would have been an easy **** affair. Unfortunately the better of the two is no longer around.
JOHN CENA and BROCK LESNAR vs. KURT ANGLE and THE UNDERTAKER
October 2, 2003
WWE Preview: After being unable to defeat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship, John Cena figured if you can’t beat him, join him. So he teamed up with the champ to take on Kurt Angle and Undertaker in a classic SmackDown! tag team match.
Oh boy, a wacky tag-team match from the post-attitude era… This had better not give me diarrhea. If you’re trying to get a good look at Cena’s career, I’d have yanked the Undertaker match from Vengeance, or the Angle match from No Mercy so you can watch as both guys find ways to try and shunt him as far down the card as possible. Yes, I’m still bitter about both. Brock meets a “YOU TAPPED OUT” chant, annoying him to no end. Angle and Cena start. Angle hits a snapmare, and works a headlock. Cena shoves him off, and takes a shoulderblock. Angle starts armdragging Cena around the ring, and goes to an armbar. A clothesline gets 2. Taker gets the tag, and rubs his hands together with glee when thinking about putting the youngster in his place. He picks up Cena with one arm, and wrenches the shoulder. Taker goes Old School, and then knocks Brock off the apron. Angle comes back in, and Cena thumbs him in the eye. Angle pounds away, and backdrops Cena. Lesnar finally does something, by pulling down the top rope so Angle falls outside – and drives him back first to the apron. And we have to take a commercial break.
Upon return, Lesnar’s in the midst of a tilt-a-whirl slam on Angle. An elbowdrop gets 2. Lesnar hiptosses Angle across the ring, and turns it back to Cena. Michael Cole starts telling us how he can’t wait for No Mercy, because Lesnar and Undertaker fought last year. Lesnar won, but THIS year Lesnar’s 100 times better. If he’s 100 times better, and he won last time, then why on EARTH should I care that Undertaker’s challenging him? A back elbow from Cena gets 2. Cena puts on an inverted full nelson, but Angle escapes and punches away. Cena immediately drives his knee to Kurt’s midsection for 2. Brock comes back in, and he press slams Angle. A second press slam attempt is blocked by Kurt, and he nails Lesnar with a German suplex! Angle makes a blind tag out – but since the referee doesn’t see it, he’s told to piss off. Cena comes in with a backdrop suplex for 2. Angle goes for the ankle lock – but Brock breaks that up. He enters without a tag, and hits a standing fisherman’s suplex for 2!! Angle throws an elbow, but Lesnar counters with a slam. Undertaker gets knocked off the apron, but when Lesnar comes back over, he’s packaged for 2! Angle hits the Olympic slam, and knows this is his chance to tag out! Taker comes in and starts hitting both Cena and Lesnar with avalanches. Cole: “Undertaker has never looked better!” Brock is dumped with a clothesline, and Cena’s hit with a big boot. Taker chokeslams Cena for 2! A replay reveals that when Brock fell outside, he landed right on his head! Ow! However, he’s back in, and he gives Taker a spinebuster. Angle tags in, and now it’s his turn to clean house with clotheslines for all. Cena takes an overhead belly to belly, and Lesnar gets the same seconds later. Lesnar rolls out, and Cena gets hit with the German trifecta! Down come the straps…but he doesn’t see that Cena’s grabbed his chain. Lesnar breaks up an attempted ankle lock – and Cena then knocks Angle out with the chain for the pin at 13:17. ** I thought it would never end. Taker and Brock brawl on the floor for awhile, in order to draw extra buys for the pay-per-view or something. Taker chokeslams Brock through the table, and we fade out.
BROCK LESNAR, THE BIG SHOW, MATT MORGAN, NATHAN JONES, and A-TRAIN vs. KURT ANGLE, JOHN CENA, BOB HOLLY, BRADSHAW, and CHRIS BENOIT (in an elimination match)
November 16, 2003
WWE Preview: It was a team effort at the 2003 Survivor Series. Team Angle consisted of Kurt Angle, John Cena, Bob Holly, JBL and Chris Benoit. They took on the Team Lesnar which included Brock Lesnar, Big Show, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones and A-Train. Cena finally saw the light and realized that teaming up with the likes of Lesnar would not help his career. So he was on a mission to take out Brock and company. Was Cena able to survive this brutal match?
Holly stares a hole through Lesnar during his entrance, then basically says “f*ck it” – and attacks before the bell. Holly whips Lesnar into the ringsteps, and beats the shit out of him. The referee tries to break it up – but Bob shoves him away, and that leads to his DQ at 0:00. Albert starts with Bradshaw, which until now was nothing more than a nightmare. Luckily, Albert misses a blind charge and the Clothesline From Hell ends that at 0:29. Big Show comes in, and a chokeslam rids us of Bradshaw at 0:50. Good, the deadweight is cleared. Cena comes in and tries an FU, but Big Show’s way too fat to be even considering that. Lesnar tags in, and drives his shoulders to Cena’s midsection. Cena throws some elbow, and a chop block takes Brock down. A pair of schoolboys get 2. Lesnar fights Cena off with a shoulderblock, and allows Matt Morgan the chance to take over. A legdrop misses, but a side slam doesn’t. Nathan Jones takes his turn, and hits the high knees. Since he’s now used up his entire arsenal, he goes back to Lesnar. Cena hits the Throwback for 2. Benoit tags in and chops away. Brock comes back with a hotshot, and calls on Big Show. While he casually gorilla presses Benoit, he yells “KISS MY ASS ANGLE!” This is yet another reason why Big Show is better than you. He goes for the Chokeslam, but Benoit turns that into the Crossface! Lesnar saves. Show turns to the abdominal stretch, and Tazz is suddenly inspired to channel Tony Schiavone by declaring it “the biggest abdominal stretch in the history of abdominal stretches”. Swoon. Jones helps with leverage, but Benoit hangs on. A legdrop gets 2! Matt Morgan tosses Benoit, where Lesnar and Jones double team him on the floor. Cena and Angle make the save – but it doesn’t help un-f*ck-up Benoit. Morgan goes for a big boot – but Benoit avoids it, and dropkicks Matt! Angle comes in and starts in with the Germans on Morgan. He takes 3 before Jones comes to get him some, and winds up dropkicked. Lesnar goes for F5, but Angle counters with a German, and the faces clean house. Angle and Morgan are left alone, but an Olympic slam ends THAT at 9:08. Nathan Jones tries to hold Angle hostage for Show, but heel miscommunication results. Show is dumped, Jones is caught in the anklelock, and he taps at 9:33!!! Lesnar dives back in, and F5’s Angle out of nowhere for a really shocking pin at 9:45! We’re 2-on-2 now. Benoit goes after Lesnar, and fires in his vicious chops. Lesnar misses a blind charge and gives his shoulder a hurting. Benoit makes it worse by throwing Lesnar’s shoulder over the ropes. Brock tries for F5, but the shoulder’s weak, and Benoit reverses into a Crossface!!!!!!! Lesnar rolls back and nearly scores a pinfall, but Benoit rolls back over. Lesnar’s in the ropes – so they force a break, but as soon as he stands, Benoit locks it back in!!! Lesnar’s good and f*cked now, and knows it. He taps at 11:54!! He’s met with “YOU TAPPED OUT” by the ever friendly fans. Show comes in, but takes a drop toe hold into the buckle! Benoit flies off the top with a torpedo for 2! Benoit makes a blind tag, but before Cena comes in Show sets up a chokeslam. Cena rolls in, takes a big boot, and Show hits the chokeslam!!! Cena grabs his chain (errr…), clocks Show over the head, hits the F-U, and wins it at 13:18!!! ***1/4 A good little Survivor Series match to get Cena’s face turn over. Cena and Benoit shake hands after the match.
CHRIS BENOIT vs. JOHN CENA (in a number one contender’s match)
December 4, 2003
WWE Preview: A Battle Royal was held to see who would be the No. 1 Contender for Brock Lesnar’s WWE Championship. John Cena and Chris Benoit were co-winners so they faced off to find out who the true No. 1 Contender really was. Did Cena earn another shot at the title?
“Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo…
So Paul Heyman said this match is in the best interests of Smackdown!
He’s just protecting that big Brock, ’cause all he does is back down
Thinks that he can beat us both, that’s a dream he’d better snap out
I straight out whip his ass and Benoit’s gonna make him tap out
So, me and Chris fightin’ tonight, that’s kinda awkward at first glance
That’s like a third grade dance over at Neverland ranch
Just shouldn’t happen…
But if we gotta fight tonight, that’s okay I’ll shake my shoulder off
I’m gonna kick his ass so hard I’ll make his colon cough
Forget them threeways and replays, I don’t care who’s feet hit
I’m a turn his gap tooth brown, cause I’ll make him eat…”
Cena powers Benoit back to the corner while Cole talks about some burn that Benoit has. I think he should probably get that looked at by a doctor. A snap suplex from Benoit gets 2. Into the corner, Benoit starts laying in the chops – but that fires Cena up and he pounds away. Lex Lugerish clothesline gets 2. Five knuckle shuffle gets 2. Benoit starts throwing the chops again, but he gets hit with a vertical suplex and Cena gets another 2. Cena applies a reverse full nelson, releases, and hits a spinebuster for 2. Benoit small packages Cena for 2. Cena fires back with a forearm shot for 2. Lots of nearfalls make the wrestling gods happy. Delayed vertical suplex drains Benoit’s blood, and it gives Cena 2. Benoit’s tired of the ass kicking, and hits the triple Germans. Benoit: “You can’t see me!” Flying headbutt misses – and Benoit sells his ass off! Cena flashes the WL, pumps his sneakers…but Benoit’s had time to recover and starts chopping away. Cena hits an FU from nowhere though, and scores the pinfall at 5:31. Cena’s declared the #1 contender…except the referee realizes that Benoit’s foot was on the ropes. Another ref runs in to let Nick Patrick know that yes, the foot was there. So our match is restarted as we take a commercial break.
Upon return, Benoit hits a vicious hiptoss on Cena, and dropkicks him in the face. Gorgeous Northern lights suplex hits! A second one is good! Benoit chops away while Cole argues with the logistics of re-starting a match after it’s ended. A short armed clothesline gets 2. Running elbow drop gets 2. Cena comes back with a running clothesline, but Benoit responds by knocking him to the floor. The fans try to will Cena back to life. Back in, Benoit works an armbar, but Cena escapes. Benoit goes for a clothesline, but Cena hits a high knee, and the Throwback gets 2! Benoit turns to the Sharpshooter…but Cena won’t tap. He crawls to the ropes, and forces a break. They start brawling in the corner, and Cena manages a half-assed FU from nowhere! BIG SHOW comes lumbering down now, and distracts Cena. That allows Benoit to lock in the Crossface, and Cena taps to make Benoit the #1 contender at 13:17! **1/2 Decent enough, but these two can do so much more.
JOHN CENA vs. THE BIG SHOW (in a non title match)
December 25, 2003
WWE Preview: WWE traveled to the Middle East for the first ever SmackDown! from Iraq. WWE didn’t disappoint the brave men and women overseas as John Cena met Big Show in a classic battle. Could Cena give the troops something to cheer about or did Big Show put a damper on things?
This is from Christmas in Baghdad. Show hits a chokeslam all of 11 seconds into the match, and Cena has to roll out to recover! That’s my Giant! Cena hits a jawbreaker on his way back in, but Show immediately clotheslines him, and drives Cena back to the corner. A hiptoss sends Cena across the ring, and a big headbutt knocks him down. Cena fires back, but meets a knee to the midsection! Word life! Another big headbutt connects, and chokes out Cena. The referee tells him to back off, so he does…and puts on an abdominal stretch! Show goes for the big boot, but Cena ducks, and he nails the ref! Show goes to a side slam, and grabs Cena’s chain (!!!). The shot he tries to take misses, Cena goes low, grabs his chain (err…), decks Show…and gets 2! Show goes for a second chokeslam, but Cena reverses into the FU and gets the pin at 4:12! *1/2 STEVE AUSTIN comes out after the match for some reason, and we take a commercial break.
We return, and Austin gives Cena a Stunner for some reason. Show stands…and he gets one. He doesn’t go down…but a second one does the trick. This is retarded. Austin grabs the microphone, and brings out SANTA’S LITTLE HELPERS. The girls bounce down to ringside, and Austin then invites ALL THE WRESTLERS back out. Why, so he can start giving them Stunners??? Austin thanks Vince for making all this possible, and swears he won’t give him a Stunner. Show gets back to his feet, and Austin gives him a Stunner again. FUCK YOU. I’m sick to death of Austin’s shit. Austin thanks the fans for being here, and everyone drinks a beer.
JOHN CENA and CHRIS BENOIT vs. MATT MORGAN, RHYNO, BROCK LESNAR, and THE BIG SHOW
January 22, 2004
WWE Preview: Never before had the odds been so stacked against John Cena. How could he and Chris Benoit ever overcome the size and strength of Big Show, Brock Lesnar, Matt Morgan and Rhyno all in the same match? Watch and see if the Dr. of Thuganomics and the Crippler could pull off the unthinkable.
Wouldn’t you know it? I almost NEVER watch Smackdown!, but not only did I watch this one… I’ve recapped it as well. Freebie for me! Enjoy a rerun.
“Yo yo yo yo yo…
Last week, Paul Heyman, I’m here to apologize
‘Cause when fatass was eating soap I should have rubbed some in his eyes
It was Paul Heyman who made the match, ain’t no way I’m stopping it
Last week, he was chewing soap, that boy’s just used to dropping it
And it’s ironic that his favorite team is the New York Yankees
Who is his favorite Little Rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky?
Or is it Brock, I heard they give eachother naked backrubs
Big Show’s got the neckbrace, he was bobbing for apples in Paul’s bathtub
Tonight is just like the Rumble, competition is soft
People attack me, I throw ’em out, they just keep beating ’em off”
It’s immediately apparent that Big Show is nowhere to be seen – and we cut quickly to the back to find out for about the millionth time, they’re going to recycle the old “trapped in the locker room thanks to a forklift” angle. PAUL HEYMAN throws a fit from his lifeguard style chair at ringside. And we take a break as the fans start in with their “YOU TAPPED OUT” chants.
I take this opportunity to break into a Margarita flavoured Bacardi Breezer, leftovers from the drinks my girlfriend picked out last weekend…
We return while RING CREW attempts to save The Big Show. Back at ringside, Paul starts talking up Brock to keep him from shitting his pants, being all alone without his large friend. Brock and Benoit start, but Lesnar rolls out before Benoit can do anything. Back in he gets…and tags out to Matt Morgan. Benoit figures “what the f*ck” and chops the hell out of Morgan for fun. Cena is tagged in, and he lays down the street style punches, before slamming the big man. Morgan recovers and pounds away at the back of Cena – and tags in Rhyno. Rhyno takes down Cena with a shoulderblock, but Cena comes right back with a hiptoss. He dives at Heyman’s chair which is sitting right in front of the ring, but Rhyno catches him, and pulls him back to the middle of the ring. Cena lays in with a stiff clothesline and gets 2. Benoit is tagged back in, and he goes to work with a snap suplex for 2. The chops are laid in, but Rhyno counters with a whip, sending Benoit back first into the corner. Lesnar is of course now more than happy to tag in. He stomps a mudhole in Benoit while Heyman laughs. An elbow is dropped on Benoit, and Brock takes this opportunity to inform Cena that “you can’t see this”. Benoit shoves off Brock, quickly tags in Cena, and Cena absolutely lays into him for that show of disrespect moments ago. He gets in a flying shoulder tackle for 2. They bump bodies, and Brock’s weight causes Cena to fall back, and he follows with a spinebuster. A trio of covers draw a trio of 2’s. Rhyno comes in and immediately slaps on a criss-cross choke. Benoit takes his hands off the tag-rope, so the ref wanders over, and Brock sneaks in a few stomps on Cena. Rhyno officially tags out to Brock – so Brock comes in and does the “you can’t see this” once again, but this time Cena’s too weakened to do anything about it. Shoulderblocks are laid in the corner – but an avalanche misses, and Cena hits a quick DDT with Lesnar stunned. Cena tries to crawl out – but Lesnar’s got the foot. A kick to the face is all Brock needs to let the hold go, and Benoit is tagged in. Canadian House Of Fire!!!! Kicks and chops are fired at the champ! The rolling Germans hit twice! Brock does a standing switch on the third – but Benoit escapes JUST in time as Rhyno comes flying with a Gore RIGHT into Brock!!!! Benoit takes out Rhyno, and hits Matt Morgan who’s entered the ring with a rolling German, followed by a release. THUMB TO THE THROAT! Lesnar scoots back in, goes for the F5, but Benoit counters in mid-air into the Crossface!!!!!!! Rhyno ruins THAT moment with a hard spinebuster! Rhyno heads back to the apron in order to get officially tagged in, which he is – but runs right into a drop toe hold from Benoit and springs hard into the ropes. Lesnar’s had about enough of these guys and heads off to the back. However, BOB HOLLY was waiting for this, grabs Brock on the ramp, and applies a full nelson, NEVER ready to let go. FIT FINLAY with his crew breaks the hold, and Brock lays in a cheap shot on Holly. Lesnar takes off to the back while the security pounds on Bob. Heyman continues to call for Lesnar to come back. And we take another break…
We come back to Rhyno attempting a pinfall on Benoit, and getting 2. The fans are busy chanting “YOU ATE SOAP” at Heyman. Morgan comes in and headbutts Benoit before choking him out on the apron. The fans meanwhile clamour for Cena. Rhyno fires off some shots to Benoit, but goes for one too many, which Benoit ducks and follows with a belly to back. Rhyno senses the impending tag – and nails Cena off the apron. He follows with a belly to belly on Benoit, and quickly hits the GORE!!!! 1, 2, Cena comes out of NOWHERE to break that one up. Morgan is in, misses a couple of elbows right away, and takes an enzuigiri. Finally Cena can make the hot tag! Rhyno takes a clothesline and Throwback in quick succession. A double axehandle from the top connects, and gets Cena a close 2 before Morgan breaks it up. With Morgan’s distraction, Rhyno gets in a belly to belly suplex, but Cena sidesteps the GORE – allowing a rollup for 2! FU hits seconds later, and we’ve got us a couple of winners at 19:30!!!! *** Benoit and Cena clear the ring – and spy Paul Heyman all alone in his lifeguard chair. He starts with the blood curdling screams – but if a GM falls into the ring, and none of his friends are around, did it REALLY happen? Cena and Benoit test out this theory, shoving the chair forward into the ring, and Heyman tumbles inside. THE BIG SHOW angrily charges the ring though, having finally escaped from his locker room – and tosses both guys all over the place. Benoit takes a gorilla press, and Cena a REALLY high chokeslam. Benoit’s chokeslam isn’t far behind. Cena’s then dumped over the top, as is Benoit. Show’s made his point…he has NO intention of losing the Royal Rumble this Sunday.
