What a Tease!

Hi kids. Welcome to another ‘exciting’ edition of What a Tease! Yours truly is a bit light-hearted this week, as finals are basically over and this hellish semester is coming to a close. Of course, I’ve got to pump this out crazy fast STILL, due to a little movie called Star Wars opening tonight (as of this writing), but I can’t wait to actually breathe when I do my thing in the coming weeks. Oh sweet, sweet summer, how I’ve missed thee….Okay! So, everybody know what time it is?

Crowd: WHAT?

That’s right it’s……wait….what? I said, does everyone know what time it is?

Crowd: WHAT?

What do you mean, what? I’ve said it two times now!

Crowd: WHAT?

*Sniffle* I hate you all!

Crowd: WHAT?


Basically, you’ll get a direct link to the trailer, the main stars involved in the film, the ‘Plot According to Yahoo’ (Or IMDB if it’s an Apple Trailer), the length of the trailer and the *estimated* release date. You’ll ALSO get the following: The Spoilerish ranking – what this basically gauges is how much of the movie the trailer gives away, on a 1-10 scale; My Analysis of the trailer, sometimes being pretty straight and narrow, sometimes being witty and sarcastic, sometimes both; finally, you’ll get an Overall Rating, which is ‘calculated’ based on the length of the trailer, it’s ‘spoilerish-ness’ and, well, how I feel about it. It IS my column, after all, but I promise the ratings will be fair and make sense.

New Trailers This Week:

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

Starring: Jim Broadbent, Patrick Kake, Elizabeth Hawthorne, James McAvoy, Judy McIntosh

The plot according to Yahoo: C.S. Lewis’ ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’ was first published in 1950 and is the second installment of the writer’s legendary seven-part ‘Chronicles of Narnia’ series. The book tells the story of Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy, who are separated from their parents in London during the German air raids of World War II. They are sent to the country for safety and find a magic wardrobe that transports them to the mystical world of Narnia, a once peaceful land of talking beasts, dwarfs and giants. However, Narnia has been frozen by the evil White Witch, and the kids must help the lion Aslan break her spell.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 5.5
Release Date: December 9th, 2005
Analysis: Shame on me, but I’ve never read any of the Chronicles books. I’ve heard of them all throughout my academic career, in school and out, but I’ve never had the time or interest to read them. Based on this trailer, I could be easily persuaded I’ve been missing out. This film looks fantastic. It has a great sense of fantasy to it, and most of it looks absolutely beautiful. The whole thing really feels both epic, in terms of some on-screen battles and camera shots, and magical, in terms of overall landscape, creatures, and feel. I’m a bit surprised Disney is releasing a two and a half minute trailer so far in advance, but it’s pretty light on spoilers, and if this is the only trailer the film ever sees (Unlikely), it’s more than enough. Outstanding.
Overall Rating: 8.5

The DaVinci Code

Starring: Tom Hanks, Ian McKellen, Alfred Molina, Jean Reno, Audrey Tautou

The plot according to Apple: Ron Howard and Akiva Goldsman, the Oscar-winning director and writer of A Beautiful Mind, reunite to bring Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code, one of the most popular and controversial novels of our time, to the big screen with a cast headed by two-time Academy AwardÆ winner Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Jean Reno, Sir Ian McKellen and Alfred Molina. Produced by Oscar-winner Brian Grazer and John Calley, The Da Vinci Code, begins with a spectacular murder in the Louvre Museum. All clues point to a covert religious organization that will stop at nothing to protect a secret that threatens to overturn 2,000 years of accepted dogma.

Length: Approx: 1:55
Spoilerish: 0.5
Release: May 19th, 2006
Analysis: Well, don’t get your hopes up about this one. This was made for one reason and one reason only: to inform the general public that this movie is being made. It tells you very little about the story and shows nothing, nothing from the movie (Which is to be expected, since they haven’t even finalized the cast). All it has is a voice-over explaining how everyone’s perceptions will be changed, while the camera flies out of the portrait of the Mona Lisa. Perhaps I expected more because I follow this movie so closely, and I find myself disappointed. But really, as a teaser for a movie over a year away, it will definitely succeed in putting the film in people’s minds and getting them talking about it. And what else can you call that but a success?
Overall Rating: 8

March of the Penguins

Starring: Romance Bohringer, Charles Berling, Jules Sitruk, Morgan Freeman

The plot according to Yahoo: Emperor penguins overcome daunting obstacles in order to return to their breeding grounds for mating season. This tells the story of one year in the life of a flock — focusing on one couple in particular — as they trek across the Antarctic on an annual journey that invokes just about every major life experience: from birth to death, from dating to mating, from comedy to tragedy, and from love to fighting for survival.

Length: 1:56
Spoilerish: 3
Release: June 24th, 2005
Analysis: Well, it’s a documentary about penguins. Everyone loves penguins, really. You never hear anyone say “I hate those f**in birds and wish death upon them all.” No, everyone loves them some penguin footage, and a whole documentary dedicated to a penguin family/clan is pretty cool. I don’t know, however, how many people will spend the cash to see this kind of documentary, however, and I know the trailer doesn’t do much to fix that. It’s a solid trailer for this kind of movie experience, and as usual, you’ll like it if it’s your thing. Oh, and brownie points for Morgan Freeman doing the narration.
Overall Rating: 7.5 (For a documentary)


Starring: Courteney Cox-Arquette, Matthew Carey, Brittany Ishibashi, Nick Offerman, Amir Talai

The plot according to Yahoo: Sophie, a Los Angeles photographer, struggles to put the tragic circumstances of her boyfriend’s death behind her. After her boyfriend is shot in a convenience store robbery, reality and fantasy begin to blur for the grieving woman.

Length: 2:05
Spoilerish: 5
Release: July 22nd,2005 (Limited)
Analysis: A smaller movie to come out this summer, apparently this one is another that won some acclaim on the independent circuit. The trailer is interesting and the movie is obviously attempting to be a real mind-job, with an interesting character and a questionable plot. Not bad questionable, but like, am I going crazy questionable. If executed right, a movie like this can really turn into greatness, but it needs to be done well. The trailer shows signs of that, but not so much, and it doesn’t really spoil much, spending it’s time setting up the plot and sending home the question “Is she crazy?” Time will tell.
Overall Rating: 6

Trailers for Films Opening This Very Weekend! (Weekend of May 20th, 2005)

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ian McDiarmid, Samuel L. Jackson

The plot according to Yahoo: The third and final installment in the Star Wars prequel trilogy – the sixth Star Wars movie overall. Anakin Skywalker’s turn to the Dark Side of the Force, the continuing Clone Wars and the final fate of the Old Republic should be revealed.

Length: Approx 2:32
Spoilerish: 5
Analysis: Brendan Campbell: Having not watched the trailer before going to see Revenge of the Sith I went in knowing the absolute basics of what the story was about. Now that I’ve seen the movie, and watched the trailer, I can honestly say that they have done a beautiful job of capturing the dark mood of this film without revealing to much of the actual plot. The trailer shows that the movie is entirely about Anakin’s fall to the dark side, and that Vader does make an appearance in costume at some point, but again, does a decent job of not giving anything major away. While I’m glad I didn’t watch it before seeing the movie, anyone who did won’t be any worse off because of it!
Overall Rating: 10!! (From Campbell)

The Number One Movie in America!

Every week, I’ll take the number one movie in America and put its trailer here, just in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (or you just loves the trailer).


Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Michael Vartan, Wanda Sykes, Monet Mazur

The plot according to Yahoo: Unlucky in love, beautiful Charlotte ‘Charlie’ Cantilini (Jennifer Lopez) has finally met the man of her dreams, Dr. Kevin Fields (Michael Vartan). There’s just one problem – his mother. Overbearing and controlling, not to mention volatile, Viola Fields (Jane Fonda) has recently been canned from her job as a star news anchor. Fearing she will lose her son’s affections as she has her career, Viola decides to break up the happy couple by becoming the world’s worst mother-in-law. Helping her with her crazy schemes is Viola’s long-time assistant, Ruby (Wanda Sykes). The gloves come off when Charlie finally decides to fight back and it looks like Viola has finally met her match.

Length: 2:32
Spoilerish: 8
Analysis: How this movie gets number one is beyond me. I just don’t understand it. Anyway, here’s my analysis of this trailer from way back when: So J-Lo begins her attempt at a come back with this film. The trailer shows that she’s chosen the only type of film she’s strong in (Not that she’s overly strong anyway) but the concept is tired and cliche. When I watched, I was reminded of an Everybody Loves Raymond episode, and I don’t even watch that show. Showing seemingly all the vital parts of the film, the trailer is a dud, much like the movie will be. Sorry, did my anti-J-Lo feelings take over here?
Overall Rating: 3.5 (I definitely rated it too high last time, too)

Wrapping it Up

So, that’ll do it for another week. Nothing I can say here now that I haven’t been saying for weeks, so….

Until next time…..