OPENERS
I just got back from an awesome pre-production session of recording, and boy am I stoked. This is probably some of the best music I’ve ever been a part of, and the album (with my pal Robyn) should be done around the end of July. GOOSEPIMPLES!
A reader mentioned that putting the cowbell joke near the beginning of last weeks recap spoiled the rest of it. Or maybe it was that six-month-old eggnog. Anyway, I realized that I’ve been focusing too much on the play by play and not having enough fun with what I like to call “WWE Thunder.” So I may play around with how I do things here. Any thoughts? Lemmie know, mmmkay?
And finally, just today the last episode of Season 3 of Red vs Blue became available to the general public (thanks for taking so long Bernie), with the DVD release soon to follow. I’ve noticed a lot of my favorite shows have really hit their stride around the second or third season, and this one is no exception. With a fantastic cliffhanger leaving you wanting more, these guys are on a seriously good roll, and Season 4 should be starting up sometime around August or September.
GTA: San Andreas PC countdown: 19 days until CJ and crew terrorize my weekends.
I know there’s a PPV coming, but seriously, we gotta prioritize!
THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION
As previously helmed by one Eric Szulczewski, I’ve taken the liberty of taking the text and links from his Anti-Spyware section, and put it up on a page of it’s own, here. After spending three hours killing the “Desktop Search” crap from my singer’s computer, I feel that information like this is too good to be left out. So there ya go. UPDATE: Firefox has released version 1.0.4, not too long ago. Get it here.
QUICK HITS
Believe it or not, between work and music, I haven’t had much time for anything web wise, but I HAVE been keeping up with our very own InsidePulse’s E3 Coverage. And you should too.
Or yeah, and some movie came out today. Star something or another. I dunno.
SMACK this! (or, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, TOUGH GUY!)
A video recap lovingly recaps the Angle/Booker/Charmel thingy from last week. I seriously almost type Charmin every time she shows up. Maybe that’s saying something. Anywho, here’s what happened in case you missed up, courtesy of the WAY BACK CUT AND PASTE MACHINE:
Angle finds Booker’s locker room and busts in. Charmel screams a lot as Angle shuts the door. Booker is coming and kicks open the door, but Charmel is just crying on the floor. Angle ambushes him and tosses him into a table (killing a poor, defenseless lamp,) some changing dividers and some good shots into a locker. Charmel still screams. A LOT. Kurt leaves as Charmel cries for help and we go off the air…
In case you were wondering, Charmin damnit, Charmel was screaming. A LOT MORE. An obviously voiced over Cole says “What did Angle do?” Well, I’m guessing he wasn’t getting a manicure…
It’s a theme! It’s some fireworks! And that fist! What does it all mean? We are TAPED from the Tyson Events Center in Sioux City, IA; it’s WWE SmackDown! Michael Cole and Tazz are here, and so is Carlito!
It’s time. It’s TIME! IT’S CABANA TIME! Carlito reminds us that it IS the “coolest” show on Earth, and I have to agree. Last week Carlito made an offer to the Big Show, and Show should not have refused it. Nobody says NO to Carlito. Here’s what happened, once again, WAY BACK CUT AND PASTE MACHINE:
Carlito says there is no other choice, and grabs an apple from his pocket. He goes to take a bite, but Show goozles him and grabs the apple. He takes massive bites of the apple, but looks a little woozy. He falls to his knees, holding his stomach. Carlito tells him that there is a bad apple in every bunch; Show just had that apple. Carlito kicks him while he’s down and throws pieces of the set on him.
Thankfully, they were able to get all of the chunks of Show’s vomit out of the Cabana’s Carpet. I sure hope he used some Resolve on that. But it seems that Show has challenged Carlito to a match at Judgment Day. That’s fine with Carlito, because he’s not going to be there alone. The same offer he made to Show, he’s going to make to someone else. Somebody stronger, and somebody…Cooler. Ladies and gentleman, Matt Morgan!
Morgan comes out, and says that it’s indeed and honor, and his answer is Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y. Carlito asks if he need some water, and to just calm down and try again. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y. Nope, ain’t gonna get it. Finally, after what seemed like eight million tries (but was really only three) he says “Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y ok.” Cute. Well, it’s the Big Show! Show comes out and man does he look PISSED. Carlito wisely hides behind Morgan, who stands right up to Show. Morgan with a boot and a whip in, but Show shoulders him down on the way back, and finds Carlito! He shoves Carlito into the corner, and slaps the apple out of him. He’s going for the chokeslam, but Morgan hits him from behind with a STEEL chair (wrong end, dopey) and along with Carlito, makes his escape. Show shudders angrily. Think Undertaker, but without the rolling eyeballs, blue lights, smoke, and a forehead large enough to screen thirteen different language versions of “Thelma and Louise.” All at the same time.
WINNER(S): The bookers, as they find something for Morgan to do AND set up the Carlito/Show match for this Sunday.
STAR RATING:N/A
ANGLE DEVOLPMENT: This makes a certain amount of twisted sense, to get Carlito to talk for the stuttering fool, while giving Carlito an advantage during matches. As long as they keep Morgan out of the ring, everybody wins!
Commercials.
Paid for by the friends and fans of John Bradshaw Layfield: DON’T BUY CENA’S ALBUM!
That was the short version. But it segues nicely into…
When Segments COLLIDE! John Bradshaw Layfield vs Scotty 2 Hotty. JBL still has the old title belt, and it occurs to me that it looks more like a boxing belt than a wrestling championship. JBL gets a BIG BOOT and three elbows to start off strong. Scotty gets whipped to the corner, but gets his feet up on JBL’s BLIND charge, stunning him. SWWT CHIN MUSIC, but as JBL bounces off the ropes, he nails the CLOTHESLINE FROM HECK, but no cover. Me thinks that should have been the finish. JBL punches Scotty in the corner, while the ref tries to get him out of the corner. More punches, more of ‘Lil Natch trying to get JBL to stop. He lays on the count, reaches five and calls for the bell. Wow, they really DID do a DQ on the five-count. JBL says he doesn’t car about losing; on Sunday, there will be NO DQ! He’s gonna make Scotty an offer: all he has to do is say “I Quit.” Of course, Scotty won’t, so JBL lays more beatings down. Scotty winds up down outside, so JBL fires his head off the STEEL stairs, and puts him on the announcer’s table. He grabs timekeeper Mark Yeaton’s belt and takes Scotty on a good old-fashioned trip to the woodshed. JBL steps over Scotty, chokes him with the belt and asks him again. Scotty won’t say it, so JBL takes the buckle spike (latch? What DO you call that thing anyway?) and wrenches in his face. Scotty finally taps and says “I Quit.” JBL says that Cena will face this in just three days.
WINNER(S): Scotty 2 Hotty, via DQ
STAR RATING: Not really a match, more like swirley, without the benefit of water, so we’ll call it a DUD.
ANGLE DEVOLPMENT: I gotta admit, I’m looking forward to seeing if Cena and JBL can do better than the train wreck that was their last match.
Commercials.
Last week, John Cena threw out the first pitch a Red Sox game. A standard WWE “fluff” piece here. Meanwhile…
Booker T. chats with our SD! GM, TL! He wants Angle, but Teddy banned him from the building. Tonight, Booker has a match with Mark Jindrak. Booker won’t sweat him (way to put over the talent, guys) and wants to know where security was last week. Long says he’s sorry, and so is Kurt; he’ll say so via satellite. If he doesn’t do it, he’ll be suspended indefinitely. Teddy says that Booker gets Angle on Sunday; ya feel that? Booker says it’s not enough; ya feel THAT? Meanwhile…
It’s another ECW One Night Stand promo. Now THIS I want to see.
Commercials.
Backstage (still), Charmel says something to someone. Quality work, only at Inside Pulse! Mark Jindrak drops by to explain Kurt’s actions. Jindrak says that Kurt has this fetish for gutter BEEPS and you can just imagine how well that went. Booker comes over says “what’s up?” Charmel tells him that Jindrak called her a gutter BEEP. Uh oh…
When Segments COLLIDE! Booker T. vs Mark Jindrak Booker pounds on Jindrak backstage, throwing him into walls and flight cases. He beats on Jindrak all the way through the crowd and to the ring. Somewhere along the way, Jindrak gets BUSTED WIDE OPEN. Not bad, but more of a splatter job in the end. On Papa Smark’s “Muta Scale,” I’d give it an 0.35. (For comparison, Austin at WMXIII was about 0.6) Anyway, Booker hits the rights and chops, but oddly enough, not the combo. Booker hits the leg lariat but Jindrak hits the BIG LEFT HOOK that Cole and Tazz are desperately trying to get over. Jindrak controls for a bit, but Booker comes back with a flying forearm. He misses the axe kick, but ducks a clothesline and hits the Bookend. Another boot and the axe kick lands for the three. Post match, Booker heads back the way he came, through the crowd and to the back.
WINNER(S):Booker T. I’m shocked. I’m also standing in puddle of cat puke, but that’s another story.
STAR RATING:*Jindrak should not have had ANY offense. No wonder Booker wants to retire. Would it kill anyone to book him properly? Nothing against Jindrak, mind you, but maybe it should have been Nunzio or Spike in this match. Having the match start backstage, and spill to the ring was a nice change of pace though.
ANGLE DEVOLPMENT:Booker is MAD. It should be a good match on Sunday.
Backstage (again!), JBL chats with the Bashams; he’ll be there to help, but our SD! GM, TL drops by to say no you won’t, playa. If JBL gets involved, he’ll hit him where it hurts. JBL says Teddy can’t take away his title shot; he’s got it in writing! I’ve got a piece of paper that says the IRS owes me $50,000. I signed it; isn’t it true? Teddy says he’s gonna hit JBL in the pocketbook; dolla dolla dolla bill, dog! JBL asks how much; Teddy says, “Try me playa. Try me.” Have I mentioned how awesome Teddy Long is?
Commercials.
We’re back and Cole and Tazz talk about Eddy and Rey. We get a nice recap video. It is, really. Nice, I mean.
Oh you want the details? Should have watched the show, sucker! HA!
Eddy comes out, mask in hand. Which is nothing at all like brass in pocket. He gets ready to speak, but decides not to, and soaks up the jeers and EDDY SUCKS chants. He is SO in his freaking prime right now. Eddy looks at the mask and at the crowd. More boos, and more staring, but very intense. Eddy drops the mask, getting another round of boos, and steps on it, grinding his snakeskin boot into it. He even wipes his feet on it. Eddy drops the mic on the apron and just leaves to MASSIVE heat. Message delivered, and received. And he never said a word. This was about 8 billion shades of AWESOME. Ironically, it’s the best promo I’ve ever seen on this show.
Commercials.
Here’s some footage from the Judgment Day press conference this past Tuesday. Still, I have to ask: WTF!?!
NOT a WWE U.S. Championship: Orlando Jordan (c) vs Heidenreich. YES! I can’t believe I am happy to see Heidenreich. It’s like he’s the new Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I love how he kissed the ring post before getting in. Heidy wants to make a new friend, and finds a kid outside, but Orlando is the US champ, and doesn’t want his time wasted. He says that no one here likes him and after tonight, no one will ever want to be his friend. A nice, subtle thing to help get Heidy over. OJ blindsides Heidy and we’re off, pounding on Heidy in the corner. I love how Heidy screams “OW! THAT DON’T FEEL GOOD” after taking a forearm to the back. OJ keeps up the beating, and makes the bullhorn sign. OJ works Heidy over on the ropes, and a Heidenreich chant breaks out! Holy crap! OJ with a rear chinlock, but Heidy fights out. OJ delivers a knee, but Heidy HULKS UP! YEAH! Heidy hits some rights and a pair of clotheslines. Is it me, or does every match lately have the face come back with a pair of clotheslines? Heidy gets a couple of near-falls, and does the “Heidy Stomp” on the apron, but OJ comes back with a clothesline. OJ takes over again, sends Heidy face first to the corner. He’s on the hop, but runs into a spinning side slam by Heidy for the three and the win! Post match, Heidy celebrates in the ring with the kid.
WINNER(S):Heidenreich.
STAR RATING:* , and that’s being nice. But if not for the length, that match was fairly entertaining, with a cool finish.
ANGLE DEVOLPMENT: Heidy in a program with OJ? I can deal.
Tonight, it’s Cena vs the Bashams!
Commercials.
Last week, Kurt did some nefarious things. Actually, this was two weeks ago. This is a recap of the recap that recapped the recap. If you really think about it, it makes sense. We get a bonus of more Charmel screaming, and I nominate this clip to be the most annoying thing I have ever seen. Ever. I have, on the other hand, finally determined that the BEEP is SLUT, but I’ll keep saying BEEP because it has a better punch line.
No really, it does.
Cole and Tazz fret over Angle’s angle, but we’ve got a PPV to hype!
Gutter BEEP Grudge Match
Booker T. vs Kurt Angle
Bad Apple Match
Carlito w/Matt Morgan vs The Big Show
Put us on the card, PLEASE! WWE Tag Team Championship Match
MNM (c) vs Hardcore Holly & Charlie Hass
A Boeing 747 at a standstill is moving faster than this program: Grudge Match
Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio
WWE Championship Match: I Quit Rules
John Cena (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield
Looks like a stacked card so far. I can see them adding Heidy/OJ (YES) or London/Chavo to this. Cole also mentions that Holly will meet Mercury tonight.
Commercials.
NOT a Tag Team Match: Joey Mercury w/Johnny Nitro and Malina vs Hardcore Holly w/Charlie Hass. Mercury gets pair of hiptosses, and acts as if he’s just won the WWE Title. Cole and Tazz discuss the upcoming draft, which will take place over the course of a month. Mercury sends Holly to the corner, but Holly is up and over, and lays into Mercury with some chops, BENOIT STYLE. Geez, that looked like it HURT. Holly goes up top, but Mercury launches him off for two. A neckbreaker gets another two. Mercury controls for a bit and goes up top, but Holly hits the ropes and Mercury drops. Not in a good way, either. Holly hits a top rope SUPERPLEX! Damn. Holly makes a comeback with some rights and, you guessed it, a pair of clotheslines. BAAAAAAAACK body drop and the dropkick leads into a full nelson driver. Holly’s up on top and hits a flying clothesline for two. A weird spot is here, where Holly does the “low blow” kick while holding Mercury across the ropes; the ref’s back is turned, but Cole and Tazz call it a “legal kick to the stomach.” Huh? Anyway, Mercury is on the hop, but Holly hits a Hot Shot on him, which leads to the Alabama Slam for the three.
WINNER(S):Hardcore Holly.
STAR RATING:If this had been Haas instead of Holly, we might have hit ** or better, but it wasn’t, so we go *.The odd finish didn’t help.
ANGLE DEVOLPMENT:They’re trying to build some mystery for the PPV match, but I don’t think MNM drops the belts yet.
The RAW Rebound catches us up on the all the Monday happenings. Like Lita screwing someone over (surprise!) and Edge winning against Kane to face Batista next week! For all the details, Mr. Rabble has the Monday Night Hatton! Waitaminute…
Next, Kurt will see in fact how hard it is to say, “I’m sorry.”
Yeah, I know.
Commercials.
(Still) Tonight, it’s John Cena and two Bashams!
Cena’s new album debuted at #15 on the Billboard Charts. Makes me wonder if Macho’s rap album from a year or so ago even charted.
Via satellite, it’s Kurt Angle! Booker and Charmel are watching backstage. Kurt says that he’s ashamed of what he did, and he’s truly, truly sorry. It takes him almost five minutes to do it, but it plays really well. Booker and Charmel leave, but Kurt has more to say. Now that everyone has what they want, he wants the truth: he wants Charmel to admit that she IS a gutter BEEP. She wasn’t screaming because Kurt was beating on Booker; she was screaming because she wanted more. She couldn’t keep her hand off him; she molested him! She fondled his privates! Oh my. But they both loved it, and Sunday, he’s gonna make Booker scream, by breaking his ankle. After dominating Booker, he’s going to dominate Charmel, and show her the REAL spinneroonie. Booker kicks the poor, defenseless TV off the stand. Technical note, the “overlay” of Kurt that we saw when Booker was watching was, in a word, AWFUL.
Aside from the angle itself and Booker’s HI-YA kick at the end, the execution was outstanding, thanks to Kurt himself. It’s just that angle makes me a bit uncomfortable, and I’m not sure that’s how I want to feel while watching a wrestling show.
Commercials.
Backstage (WTF?!?), Josh Matthews chats with WWE Champ John Cena. Cena says he bought JBL’s book, and it’s not a bad read: “How to lose the title at WrestleMania,” “How I personally make Orlando Jordan’s hair stand up” (with pictures) and “How to say I Quit when you’re getting your ass whipped by John Cena!” Classy. Cena knows the match will be tough, but JBL is flippin it, going all religious on him. Comparing his book to the Bible, saying that he is a wrestling GOD, and when he beats Cena, he’s going to take a piece of his soul. “Josh, you know me, man. I ain’t no wrestling god, but I am-” Josh breaks in with “a prophet! A street prophet!” He spins the logo on Cena’s belt. “Bustin’ a cap, with your words of rap!” Cena’s look of disbelief is priceless. Cena wants the mic, and Josh hands it to him. Cena motions him away, and Josh asks, “You want me to go?” Josh grabs for the mic, but Cena says “Eh eh.” Josh leaves and Cena takes over. Ok, that was kind of cute. He says it was as sad as JBL’s sex life. JBL talks a lot, reminding fans of the matches he’s been in; he should remind himself that Cena is the one that stopped him. JBL fights for money; Cena fights for those that brought him here. Cena’s peeps have never quit on him; he will NOT quit on them. “And can I stand up to the odds. I will BEAT the odds, I will beat YOUR odds. I will beat the Basham Brothers two on one tonight, so I can send them crawling back to you. So they can look at your fat, ugly, wanna be game show having face, and they can tell you personally…that the champ, is HERE!”
When Segments COLLIDE! Main Event: Handicrap Match: John Cena vs The Basham Brothers. JBL comes out with the Bashams. Cena shoves Doug down, and controls the early part of the match, wrestling Doug down to the mat. Cena goes after Danny, but Doug blindsides him into the corner. Doug tags in Danny, but Cena hops outside as the tag was made. That was kind of neat, actually. Danny goes after Cena, but he eats a right and is sent back in. Cena with a whip in, catching Danny with a side slam for two. Cena works over Danny in the corner, so Doug comes over, but Cena clotheslines Doug off the apron. The distraction allows Danny to kick Cena and plant him with a DDT. Danny hits a bunch of rights as a Cena chant starts up. Doug tags in and they double team Cena. Danny tags in and distracts the ref while Doug chokes Cena in the corner, with JBL talking trash in his face. Danny hangs Cena up in the TREE OF WOE and tags in Doug, who kicks Cena until he falls down. Cena eats buckle, while Danny tags back in. He works Cena over in the corner, but Cena mounts a comeback with some rights and a shove. Danny shuts him down with a thumb to the eye (that ALWAYS works!) and tags Doug in again. The Bashams hit a double throat thrust and Doug gets a two count. Doug has a neat looking key lock/chinlock on Cena as the crowd rallies him again. JBL gets on the mic and tells Cena to quit. Cena gets whipped to the corner and gets a foot up on the BLIND charge, but Doug catches him in a powerslam for two. JBL continues to harass Cena on the mic. Cena hulks up, but Danny blindsides him so Doug can get over to make the tag. Danny chokes Cena on the ropes while JBL rants in his face. Danny hits a spinning belly-to-back suplex for two. Danny tags in Doug again, who drops a big leg drop for two. Cena is in the wrong part of town, and fights out of the corner. Doug goes for a DDT, but Cena blocks by grabbing the ropes. Cena gets two, as Danny breaks it up. “Tick tock,” says JBL, as Doug hits a vertical suplex for two. Danny tags in, but Cena knocks them together to come back. Cena take them both out, culminating in a clothesline for each. Ok, I get it, har har. Doug takes a BAAAAAACK body drop and Danny takes a hiptoss. Doug tries a clothesline, but Cena hits the wrap around side slam. Danny charges but is tossed out of the ring. Cena hits the Five Kuckle Shuffle and the FU for the three and the win. Post match, Cena and JBL stare each other down as we go off the air.
WINNER(S):John Cena
STAR RATING:** The Bashams are decent workers, and having JBL on the mic throughout the match helped a bunch. I’m still not buying Cena as the next Stone Cold though…
ANGLE DEVOLPMENT:Will Cena say I quit? Will JBL say I quit? Will this program ever end? And when it does, will anyone notice? Will the Cabinet crumble, or will have his cake? Will he eat it too? Confused? Yeah, me too.
THE INSIDE PULSE
A few minor missteps, but this show was ON tonight. A hot crowd helped; give me some better wrestling, and I’m in heaven. See you Sunday for the Roundtable, and next Thursday for more SMACK this!
