WWE Velocity Report: May 21st, 2005


WWE Velocity Report: May 21st, 2005

– Welcome, everyone. With Judgement Day just a day away, what has Smackdown taped for us, today? We’ll find out, plus I’ve got my awesome predictions.

– Your happy hosts are Clay Aiken and Steve Romero.

– MNM vs. Stevie Lee and Jason Bates
Crap, Melina, my woman, looks a little manly tonight. By the way, I never knew Romero looked so fruity looking. He puts Mathews to shame. Nitro and Lee start, Nitro starts kicking, but Lee sends him to the buckle. Lee starts nailing some dropkicks, and Bates is tagged in. They double suplex Nitro for 1. Nitro is sent to the buckle, but he knees Bates and tags in Mercury. He hits some clothelines and starts pounding. Neckbreaker gets 2. Nitro tags in. Punches for 2. A Nice legdrop by Nitro gets 2. Mercury is tagged in again, and he starts kicking. Is kicking all that they know how to correctly do, or something? Seriously, I’ve seen more kicking than anything else. They’re nothing without Melina, let me just say that. He starts choking on the ropes, and Melina sneaks a slap in. Neck vice by Mercury. Bates gets up, and hits a bodyslam for 2. Lee is tagged in, who is a house of fire. Backbodydrop is hit by Lee, but Nitro kicks him (See?) in the gut. Mercury in, and the snapshot gets the pin. Liked it, just way too short for me to fully enjoy. MNM really needs to up their offense up more. Their matche are just kicks, armholds, then a snapshotfor the pin. It’s getting boring, and makes me wonder why they became the tag team champions so fast. **1/2.

– To go on another rant, Now THIS is the type of stuff I’d like to see more of (No, not manly Melina…): Squash matches. I mean, who doesn’t like squash matches, with a “Feature match” every few weeks? That’s how this show should go. Move this show to 11 A.M. on Saturday’s on Sunday’s, feature jobber matches, with a feature match put in somewhere each week/few weeks. I’m sick of seeing Jordan, Haas, Funaki/Nunzio, and a combo of Dudley/Kidman/Akio each week.

– Commercial Break. Napolean Dynamite= Most overrated movie, ever. Puts Star Wars and Lord of the Rings to shame, on how much people overrate it. No one even repeats the funny quotes, either. It’s the same two quotes: The damn tater tots, and vote for Pedro. It’s not funny, kill yourself if you like either scenes.

– Recap of the awesome Eddie vs. Rey feud. If this isn’t the last match of the P.P.V., then something is wrong with the WWE, because THAT’S what’s selling the P.P.V. . Eddie has to go over, no doubt.

– Commercial break, and speaking of shitty movies, Lords of Dogtown looks fucing retarded.

– WWE Rewind: Booker wants Kurt!

– Kurt’s best promo ever is re-capped. His “apology”, which turned into him saying Sharmell wanted his monkey sex crave. “She fondled my privates!”. The only reason why I like this angle, is because Kurt Angle is so f*cking funny as the horny guy. Remember his funny ass smile from two weeks ago, when he was closing Booker’s door? That’s when I fell in love with this angle, because Kurt KNOWS it’s a pile of shit, so he’s having fun with it.

– Nunzio and Funaki have another chat. These guys deserve the shot more than Haas and Holly… Funaki wants to teach Nunzio japanese, but Nunzio can’t do it. Oh well…

– Commercial break.

– WWE Slam of the Week: Heidenreich beats Jordan.

– Nunzio and Funaki vs. Akio and Spike Dudley {W. Ugly ass goatee. Fucking shave it, Spike.)
Seriously, that thing is f*cking ugly, shave it. Nunzio and Spike start. Loud “E-C-W” chant by the crowd as they lock-up. Spike hits a headbutt and shoulderblocks. Nunzio comes back with slams for 2. Armdrag and armlock by Nunzio, but Spike rakes him down and tags in Akio. He kicks and punches, and a crucifix gets 2. Sidewalk slam by Nunzio gets 2, and Funaki is tagged in, who hits a hiptoss and an armlock. Chops and punches follow, and Akio hits an awesome spinning heel kick for 2. Funaki is sent out, and Spike hits a stungun on him on the protected guardrails. He sends Funaki in, and Akio covers for 2. Spike is tagged in. Funaki misses an enziguri, and Spike hits a modified STF. Akio in, and he hits a snapmare and headlock. Spinning heel kick gets 2. Funaki hits a backbody drop, and both men are down. Spike and Nunzio are tagged in. Tilt-a-whirl and dropkick by Nunzio gets 2. Nunzio hits the Sicilian Slice, and that gets 2. Yeah, kick out of his finisher, f*ck you Spike. Funaki is tagged in, and he hit a high cross body from the top. He sends out Akio, and a ram from behind by Spike hits him. Funaki fights back, and hits an Oklahoma roll for the 3. Good match, and pretty long, for Velocity standards. ***.

– Commercial break. The Longest Yard looks stupid, by the way.

– Cena took on the most bland team on Smackdown (The Bashams.), while I did better things.

– ANOTHER commercial break.

– Chavo vs. Shannon Moore
But first…Paul London is out to guest commentate. London sounds drunk… Lockup, and headlocks and shoulderblocks by Shannon. Another lockup, and Chavo gets his own headlock. Hiptoss by Shannon, and London DOES sound drunk. He keeps slurring his words, and repeating the same stuff over again. ANOTHER lockup, and Chavo kicks him. Kicks and a backsuplex by Chavo gets 2. Punches follow. Slams and stomps by Chavo, and he hits an armlock and kneelifts. Chavo hits a suplex, and starts choking. Chavo then calmly tosses Shannon to the outside. Shannon goes crazy, and starts punching, kicking, and hits clotheslines. Backbody drop by Moore. Mooregasm gets 2. Moore goes to the top, and hits a high cross body for 2. Chavo heads out, and Chavo with kicks. Clothesline, and Chavo hits a goribomb for the 3. Well, that was abrupt. Too much of a squash for my liking, anyway. **.

– Steve and Clay wrap it up.

– Good epsiode this week. Even the final match was fine, for what it was. Great usual *** tag match, too. Thumbs up this week.

– And now, a BONUS! Judgement Day predictions, because I forgot to send them in to the Roundtable! Yay!

Big Show vs. Carlito Carribean Cool:
Well, this seems like a mega mis-match, eh? Now with Matt Morgan on his side, I’m expecting Carlito to lose due to Matt Morgan, with a feud starting up.
Winner: Big Show

Paul London (c) vs. Chavo Guerrero – Cruiserwieght Title:
I’m hoping London wins, because I’m sick of Chavo. I’m sick of his song, his whiny gimmick, everything. London has barely had a 2 month title reign. Let him keep it until SummerSlam.
Winner: London. Makes no sense to put it on Chavo now.

MNM (c) vs. Charlie Haas & Hardcore Holly – WWE Tag Team Titles:
Yeah, I’m sure Holly and Haas will beat MNM. Melina will probably flash them (YAY!) and distract them, so MNM will barely win.
Winners: MNM

Kurt Angle vs. Booker T:
I’m expecting Kurt to win, and Sharmell to turn on Booker, to boot. Kurt is on a roll here, with his hilariously cheesy promos that he’s doing. This will be a good match, though.
Winner: Kurt.

Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero:
Hoo boy, what a good match we’ll be getting here. Rey simply cannot go over, though. This will make little sense, if Eddie does not go over. Eddie is at his strangest here, and best of all, it’s a FRESH idea!
Winner: Eddie (Hopefully.)

Orlando Jordan (c) vs. Heidenreich – US Title
Yeah, Jordan’s probably going to have a long comfortable title reign, folks. Heidenreich is only facing him on P.P.V. because Jordan really has no other guys who can chase him for the title now. That WWE Draft will actually help Smackdown out, if you think about it.
Winner: Jordan

John Cena (c) vs. JBL – WWE Title – I Quit Match
Well, Cena’s had all of this commercial fame, so I am 100% sure that Cena wins.
Winner: Cena

And that’s all for today. Leeman saying ‘night. You know the e-mail address.