The SmarK RAW Rant – May 23 2005
– Live from Green Bay, WI
– Your hosts are JR & King.
– Opening interview: The new happy couple comes out to brag about screwing Kane over last week, as Lita explains that she was using Kane because he raped her, knocked her up, forced her into marriage, and couldn’t protect her baby. The crowd at least picks up a “slut” chant instead of the usual Matt Hardy chants for a bit. Lita cutting a heel promo is about as convincing as Lita flexing her acting skills backstage. Edge declares us all jealous and they make out some more. Evil promos as a couple are not their thing, as the crowd’s deathly silence for most of it would seem to indicate. Edge does make a nice creepy heel, though.
– Meanwhile, Uncle Eric requests funeral props from an underling, and since Jericho isn’t here yet, he puts Shelton Benjamin in a handicap match against our favorite Arabs.
– Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari v. Shelton Benjamin. Shelton slugs it out with Hassan to start and dumps him, then controls Daivari with an armdrag. He works the arm and follows with a backdrop suplex, but Hassan trips him up and drops him on the railing. And we hit the chinlock. Daivari comes in and tries a suplex, but Shelton reverses to a slingshot suplex. Shelton makes the comeback by himself, with a clothesline and a slam on Daivari. He dumps Hassan and faceplants Daivari, then knees him out of the ring. He goes back to Hassan, prompting Daivari to grab a chair and thus distract the ref. A quick double-team and WMD later, and Daivari gets the pin at 4:47. Handicap matches do suck, yes they do. 3/4*
– Meanwhile, Chris Jericho now arrives, having missed his match already. But Jericho = ratings, so it’s cool.
– Meanwhile, Edge meets up with Christian in the locker room, and offers him the Money in the Bank contract should Christian help him win the World title tonight.
– Chris Masters v. Steven Richards. Well, at least he’s got a feud now. Masters powers him into the corner to start, and hits him with a couple of backbreakers. Delayed suplex and he calls for the Polish hammer again, but Stevie boots him in the face to counter. He slugs back, actually drawing face heat for once, but Masters clubs him in the knee and finishes with the Masterlock at 1:51, as poor Stevie doesn’t even get the “arm drops three times” pity spot. So much for that feud. Masters at least didn’t look as green as usual, though, putting up some credible offense. 1/2*
– Meanwhile, Eric asks Todd Grisham to interview Kane tonight.
– Chris Jericho v. Sylvan Grenier. Grenier slugs him down and out to start, and Jericho gets dropped on the railing. Back in, Jericho fires away with chops and goes for the Walls, but Grenier reverses to a cradle for two. Grenier comes back with a slam and drops a knee, then gets an awkward torture rack, which Jericho casually exits. He rolls up Grenier for two and chops away, making the comeback with the enzuigiri. Grenier ducks the running choke, so Jericho goes up and sledges him down, but misses the Lionsault. Grenier hits him with a backdrop suplex for two, but stops to yell at the fans and Jericho dropkicks him into the ring again in a weird spot, before finishing with the Walls at 3:15. Basically a squash for Jericho. 1/2* Shelton comes out for words with Jericho, but Jericho cuts him off and lets him know that because he’s a big star, Shelton will just have to put up with a little lateness.
– And now, the ECW funeral, hosted by Eric Bischoff. He really, really hates ECW, killed it once, and will now kill it again. NO ONE CAN STOP HIM. Well, except Vince. Man, he’s been active lately for a guy that just promised to write himself off the shows a few weeks ago. At any rate, he has an interest in ECW staying alive, and finally admits (outside of the ECW DVD) that he was bankrolling ECW all along in hopes of their stars becoming his stars. He accuses Eric of “raping and pillaging” the ECW locker room and driving them into bankruptcy. Thus leaving WWE $500,000 in the hole, which is why he wants the PPV — to make that money back. OK, that does make a certain amount of sense. Vince points out that people still chant “ECW” at the arenas all over, and that the only brand which is truly dead is WCW. Oh, cheap shot. Funny to note that Vince killed WCW so thoroughly and made it such a loser brand that people still boo it. Vince brings Paul Heyman back out again, thus marking the only time these three have ever been in the same ring together. Heyman goes over the usual “we did it all for the fans and discovered the cruiserweights” stuff and plugs the PPV, until Vince finally interrupts. Apparently the only thing he enjoys more than a “big pot full of money” is a good fight. A big pot full of money? What is he, Scrooge McDuck? Well, for those thinking they wouldn’t hype the ECW PPV, there you go. If that was the big happening hyped by Meltzer in his update earlier today, color me disappointed.
– ECW Rules: Chris Benoit v. Tajiri. Tajiri attacks him with a kendo stick during his entrance, but Benoit fights him off and they head into the ring. Tajiri quickly gives him the mist and brings some weapons into the ring, but Benoit fights it off and chops him down. Tajiri whips him into a garbage can to retain control, however, forcing Benoit to (gasp) wrestle and throw some suplexes. Tajiri goes back to the stick again, but Benoit counters him with the crossface (using the kendo stick!) for the win at 2:29. Quick but fun, although it doesn’t do much to dispel the stereotype about ECW being all garbage wrestling. 1/2*
– Meanwhile, Ric Flair stops by Batista’s locker room to say thanks for last week.
– Meanwhile, a very nervous Todd interviews a very psychotic Kane, who is so broken up that he starts crying. Oh god, and I thought Darth Vader shrieking “NOOOOOOOOO” was bad. Besides, I’d say his breakup with Tori was more humiliating — can you GET any lower than being dumped for X-Pac? At any rate, much like Greta Garbo, he just wants to be alone.
– And now, high comedy gets higher, as Maria interviews Viscera. Sadly, Lillian didn’t show up last week. So now we get the seductive dancing. This is interrupted by Coach, who promptly gets destroyed, and that somehow makes Lillian happy. And then they kiss, only being slightly less disturbing than Edge & Lita.
– RAW World title: Batista v. Edge. Kind of weird to do a major heel turn last week and thus build Edge up as the next major heel, and then do the title match right away. Batista overpowers him to start and whips him around, then forearms him off the apron and into the railing. This brings out Christian and Tomko, and we take a break. Back with Batista pounding away in the corner, but Christian gets a cheapshot to turn the tide. They fight outside as JR declares Edge & Christian “collusionary”. Why do they need a complex relationship? In storyline terms, they’re BROTHERS. How hard is it to remember that? Back in, Edge gets a big boot for two, and goes to the bodyscissors. Batista powers out of it and does a little ground n pound, but Christian distracts the ref and allows Edge to get a leg lariat for two. We hit the chinlock and that goes on for a while. Batista heroically powers out, but gets dropkicked. Double KO spot and they get into a slugfest, which leads to the ref getting bumped. All hell breaks loose with all the heels attacking Batista, but Flair storms in and somehow fights them off. Edge spears him to stop that, but Batista picks things up again with some spinebusters and gets rid of Christian and Tomko. Edge spears him for two, however. Lita throws him the briefcase, but Batista catches him with another spinebuster and finishes with the demon bomb at 14:03. Three weeks of build for Edge and he just jobs in his big match, even with Christian and Tomko freely interfering for him? Seems like kind of waste. Basic RAW match with a bunch of overbooking. ** Flair and Batista share a hug afterwards, as Batista continues to be a giant idiot. This brings out HHH, his snit apparently done with. And right on cue, Flair turns on Batista with a low blow. Yes, it’s another swerve. Oh, my, I was so fooled by that one. Didn’t see it coming at all. HHH gets a LOOOOOOOOOONG beatdown on Batista to end the show.
The Inside Pulse:
Kind of a letdown, as the big build for Edge proved to be nothing more than setting up HHH as the next challenger. Again. The rest was at least paced well and fairly entertaining, but I really don’t want to see this main event for a third straight PPV.
