Hi kids – do you know what time it is?
Oh yeah, it’s about that time…
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us is the standard band of criminals:
HERNANDEZ – Hater of all things Me
JENNA – Lover of all things Hernandez
ERIC – Eater of all things meat
DANI – The girl who chose to marry me one day
ME – The guy with the keyboard
So this week let me just discuss the RABBLE DIVA CONTEST –
Yes, I will give you 250,000vnd and other prizes.
All you need to do is send me a photo for round one.
rabblediva@gmail.com
Do it. You deserve it.
So last week, lots of screwing happened – specifically Lita over Kane with Edge in the Billiard Room with the Briefcase. Tonight, Edge faces Batista for the title.
Starting the show though is about 50 rent-a-cops.. why? No idea yet.
oh, that’s why, Edge is here with EVIL Lita.. you know that becauses she’s wearing all black, and the crowd hates them. Lita talks about why she screwed Kane – but the crowd is a whole lot more interested in chanting about Matt (Although the muting of the crowd makes them sound dead.. you can read lips and see people doing the MaTT v1. symbol)
“Just because I got more action in the last month than most of you people will have your entire life” – Lita (Yes, she said that… fun.)
“She’s still cute though” – Me
“You just like the heel girls” – Eric
From here it gets REALLY uncomfortable when she says that no man in her life has ever satisfied her like Edge. I swear to god everyonne in the Rabble-Room is completely uncomfortable right now.
“Yeah, you can call her a slut” – Edge
“Well, that settles it – we now have permission” – Hernandez
So Edge rags on about how we are all jealous – and I will give the WWE this.. it’s bad heat, but it’s a LOT of heat. Tonight, Edge faces off against Batista – we knew that. We wait for the interruption, but it never happens. In the back, Kane is watching on.. rocking back and forth.. that can’t be good for your back.
Also tonight a rematch – Jericho & Benjamin vs. Akbar & Muhammad
COMMERCIAL
IS USING LITA THIS WAY (In the angle, I mean) A GOOD IDEA OR A BAD IDEA?
“For the angle yes, for morals no” – Hernandez
“I said they should have done it weeks ago – but seeing it is so harsh, but it fits right in” – Dani
“Yes” – Eric
“I don’t agree, but it’s expected” – Me
Bischoff is backstage talking about setting up tonight’s funeral for ECW Funeral. He’s setting up for the draft. And here comes Shelton Benjamin, he can’t find Chris Jericho so Eric makes this match a handicapped match. Way to go Shelty!
So here comes the Arabian Assasins… I made that up, they didn’t. And Shelton.. allll aloonne.
AKBAR & MUHAMMED vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
The alone match…
Benjamin starts off with Akbar, just tossing to the ropes and throwing him around. Back elbows, hiptosses, and he puts ihim in a headlock and a blind tag to Akbar. Muhammad goes for a cheap shot and gets tossed. Akbar on the other hand comes in flying.. well that’s because he gets hiptossed. A batch of missed leapfrog spots, and Benjamin gets tossed outside.
Muhammad is outside to slingshot Benjamin right into the railing. Ouch.
They slide in, tag to Muhammad, and we go right to a chinlock. Hassan hits a snap suplex. Quite nice, and Akbar gets the tag. He goes for the supex, but it is reversed into a beautiful stun-gun. Shelton follows up with big clotheslines. Benjamin continues to beat the hell out of Hassan, then Akbar, then Hassan again – but Akbar comes in with a chair, the ref stops it, and Shelton goes to hit Akbar in the T-Bone. Hassan grabs him, spins him around and.
“SIM SALA BIM.. IT’S OVER” – Dani
Let me apologize for the lack of commentary – Jen and Hernandez didn’t stop discussing Jericho not being there. Sitting waiting for someone to download the next Fozzy album.. even on bit torrent. This degraded into a discussion about how downloading porn is better than downloading the Fozzy album – since you get something out of porn.
COMMERCIAL
Backstage here comes Chris looking all rockstarish!
“Look, it’s TRL Chris!’ – Hernandez
Jericho blows off missing his match with Shelton, since Benjamin still has the IC title – so he’ll face any single wrestler tonight since Jericho = Ratings.
“So is Jericho really leaving wrestling?” – Dani
“If there is a God” – Hernandez
……”no.” – Hernandez
“Good save, dumbass” – Me
Hey, look it’s CAPTAIN CHARISMA!!!! He discusses how he could NEVER say I quit. He beat EVERYONE on Smackdown – Rey Mysterio, Guerrero.. and the line of the night from Tomko “Who’s Mark Jindrak?” Edge offers his championship briefcase to the man that HELPS him beat Batista. Christian says he’ll probably see Edge later.
COMMERCIAL
Oh and now this is big news.. Maria (AKA Boobage McStupid) interviews Viscera… and now something worse!
Here comes CHRIS MASTERS!
Hey, he’s even got a match!
“The font they use for his name is TOTALLY wrong!” – Dani
“Thank you. The readers will love that.” – Me
So they give us a flashback of Stevie Richards – who actually HAS THEME MUSIC!
Masters gose nunts and tosses him into the corner, and a double backbreaker! Stevie gets picked up, standing verticle suplex. Masters loads up the Polish Hammer, but gets a stiff kick RIGHT to the face. Now Stevie comes back and forth with rights and lefts! I think he even got the crowd to pop! GO STEVIE!
Finally Masters gets a knee in to stop him. Masters picks him up and sends him to the corner. Masters charges, and Stevie grabs the leg and elbows it down… that’s it as the Masterlock is applied.
“BREAK OUT BREAK OUT!” – Eric
“Nope, that’s it..but at least he didn’t tap” – Hernandez
WINNER: STEV–…sadly.. chris masters..
In the back, Bischoff doesn’t like that Chris believes ‘Jericho = Ratings’ so he’s got a match next. Bischoff also wants to know how Kane feels, so he sends Todd to go interview him.
COMMERCIAL
Now coming down to the ring.. he is the man.. the myth… the guy who will get more ribbing than anyone else.
Chris Jericho!
“Can we change the channel now?” – Hernandez
..see…
“I can still catch the last 15 minutes of 24…” – Hernandez
…SEE!…
And his opponent is.. Sylvan Grenier?! Sure.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. SYLVAN GRENIER
Smoke break match
Grenier starts it off and tosses out Jericho, kicks him, punches him, drags him in and throws him into the turnbuckle. Chris hits a reversed elbow, but Grenier continues to reverse out of it. Grenier picks him up in a torture rack, tosses Jericho in the corner – Jericho crawls over hihm for a sunset flip.
From here it’s Jericho calling in the spots, f’s up the enzuiguri, MISSES the 619, gets KNEES up for the Lionsault.. but finally wins with the Walls. He seriously just phoned in the match.
“Hey, the crowd is chanting for Y2J” – Me!
“No.. it’s more like Why? 2j” – Hernandez
Shelton is waiting outside the ring, but Jericho bails and apologizes – you see he’s a rockstar, a talk show host, a pop culture icon – and the Jerichoholics all agree.
“Jerichoholic? Whatevah.. I’m a mathlete” – Laura
COMMERCIAL (Note: Draft Lottery.. June 6th.. it begins..)
Back in the ring – it’s dressed in black – there’s a barbed wire wreath – and Bischoff begins the eulogy of ECW.
First, Eric gives us a history of ECW. Before he gets past the words ‘upstart promotion’ the asshole chant begins. He explains the rise and fall of ECW, due to.. well, HIM! In the end, ECW just died and he will kill it again.
Eric gets to the point where he is stomping and pissing and moaning… and here comes Vinnie Mac!
“Vinnie equals ratings” – Hernandez
“Yes… I miss Shane” – Dani
Vinnie is not here to join the eulogy of ECW, on the contrary, he is here to speak on his vested interest in the well being of ECW. Vinnie admits that he backed ECW for quite a bit of time. He did so to groom wrestlers for the WWE… you know, some guys like Mick Foley.. Dudley Boyz… Stone Cold… all while Eric Bischoff drove them into bankruptcy.
This is fun to watch! Especially when Vince explains that the loans that ECW bankrupt were credited from WWE.. roughly $500,000.
“I could start another XFL with that!” – Hernandez
Vinnie’s even going to reinstate the ECW rules match from last week – Benoit vs. Tajiri. The EC’DUB’ chant takes over. Vinnie plays the crowd a bit for this, and states that the new show might be more of a RESURRECTION – where there is another brand of wrestling that is in fact dead. That is WCW. Again.. this is really fun to watch.
So now Vinnie wants to introduce someone who had a lot to do with the ECW brand. Eric is now speaking in a helium voice and gibbering like an idiot. Here he comes though, looking awesome. PAUL E HEYMAN!
Vinnie jokingly introduces the two, and Heyman giggles as all three men are in the ring together. Heyman in fact reminds Vinnie that he may OWN ECW, but Paul CONTROLS ECW. Paul reminds Eric and Vinnie that Rey Mysterio brought the Lucha Style to America.. that the submission style of Benoit and Taz was brought by ECW..
“At 3 am on MSG..” – Eric
A good moment while Bischoff checks his time piece. Paul continues on about the Hardcore legends. It was counterculture, antiestablishment, and IN YOUR FACE… and I gotta say, I wasn’t a huge ECW guy – but this promo is frigging intense! Eric is playing aloof to the hilt.
vinnie then states that he also supports Raw, he supports a big pot full of money and a good fight.
“And a big pot full of money with naked women on top” – Me
So he in fact is ok with Bischoff bringing a bunch of ‘crusaders’ into the ECW show to try and bring it down. Heymen then lights the barbed wire wreath on fire, the ECW music hits, and Heyman says it’s a fire – that Bischoff – can’t – put out.
“Oh, I think somebody got served.. I think there is gonna be a rumble” – Dani
“There’s gonna be a rumble… tonight” – Eric
COMMERCIAL
Hey in the front row is the Green Bay Pacakers..
“Where’s Al Snow?!” – Hernandez
“I miss Steve Blackman” – Me
Hey.. the longest yard…
Coming down to the ring is Chris Benoit – who before he even drops his hands at the top of the key, get shit in the gut with a kendo stick by TAJIRI!
CHRIS BENOIT vs. TAJIRI
ECdub Rules
Benoit throws him down the aisle, and crawls in the ring together. Benoit is about to hit him wiht the kendo stick, and GREEN MIST to the face. Tajiri grabs some signs and lids and cans, and various aluminum implements and tosses them in the ring while Benoit clears his eyes.
Tajiri crawls back in and Benoit chops Tajiri down, and sets the garbage can in the corner. He grabs Tajiri to hurl him into it, reversal and Benoit goes in HARD. Tajiri goes for a weapon, misses and gets a german. He goes for the kendo stick, and reverses into a german. Tajiri reaches the kendo stick and tries to hit Benoit with it.
Chris pulls the stick out of Tajiri’s hands and chokes out Tajiri WITH the stick. Tapping ensues.
WINNER: CHRIS BENOIT
COMMERCIAL
Last week, Batista saved Ric Flair. This week Batista is sitting in the backstage and Flair comes to talk to him. “I’ve wanted to say this all day, but didn’t know how..”
“I love you” – Me and Hernandez
Flair thanks him, and extends his hand. They shake.
“Awww, Dave has a friend.” – Dani
In other parts of the arena, Todd is standing ten feet away from Kane. He asks about losing Lita.. Kane mumbles about blood and maggots under his breath.
“Hot water burn baby?” – Dani
“Hot water burn baby.” – Me
Apparently, Kane was born to bring pain. You can’t have friends with pain. The pain in Spain flows mainly in his refrain…
“Wasn’t X-pac his friend?” – Dani
“So was Torie!” – Hernandez
Kane then cries.
“Oh my god, Kane is going emo. He’s Emo-Kane!” – Dani
He doesn’t want this pain. He scratches his own chest a bit.
“LOOK HE’S CUTTING!! HE’S CUTTING!!!” – Dani
He wants to cause pain. He wants to be left alone. Todd thusly, leaves – before he has to sing Weezer.
“Think he’ll come down in a sweater next week?” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
Backstage Kane leaves – and in the center of the ring, Boobage McBreasty calls down Viscera. Boobage had an ‘interior’ motive for bringing Viscy down here… she invites Lillian to the ring. Viscera says he waited a long time for Lillian to come to his hotel room..
“With allooot a pudding” – Hernandez
Boobage goes and gets Viscera a half-eaten hotdog (NO! I’M NOT KIDDING!)
“The night Viscera got mono” – Jenna
Viscera then dances for Lillian. Lillian dances .. well, near him anyway… and Viscera begins to strip… and Lawler says ‘Bootay’… and we see Viscera’s boxer shorts… and some music kicks in.. OH GOD BLESS THE COACH!
Coach asks Viscera to leave due to a sexual harrassment possibility. Coach then insults Viscera claiming he is an embarrassment. Coach is about to yell at Lillian, and Visc stops him throat first. A couple of big chops, and a samoan drop!
Then Viscera humps Coach. (NO GOOD MOTHER LOVING CHRIST I’M NOT KIDDING!)
“THERE IS NO WINNER IN ANY OF THIS!” – Dani
Lillian and Viscera kiss.
Backstage, the main event competitors are on their way down.
COMMERCIAL
We’re back, and Edge and Lita comes down to what kind of sounded like a flooded Batista chant, but it might not have been. I’ve never been able to tell really… but Batista comes down, watered and shiny…
BATISTA vs. EDGE w/ LITA
The Weird Chant Gold Rush Title Match
The match begins with Edge taking it right to Batista. Big fists, he tries to toss Batista, but it’s turned aroound with a big shouldlerblock. A HUGE toss into the corner sends Edge to his ass.
Dave picks him up, tosses him to the outside apron and Batista elbows him and Edge takes a nosedive to the outside. Christian and Tomko head on to the top of the key and WE are on commercial.
COMMERCIAL
Back in the ring and Batista has Edge in the corner doing the top rope 10 punches.
“Flair should come down on a donkey.” – Dani
“For the record, I said Flair should come down earlier” – Eric
“Yeah, but you didn’t say the donkey!” – Dani
Edge tosses Batista who goes neck first to the ring rope, and now Edge has the advantage. Edge brings him to the outside, head to the ringsteps, kicks, punches, etc. Back in the ring they go, and Edge puts him into a scissor hold. Batista, in time, unwraps Edge’s legs, spins around and begins punching the hell out of Edge.
Christian leaps to the rope to distract the ref as Edge thumbs him in the eye, BIG spinning heel kick and a two count right into a chinlock.
Chinlock gets Batista unconcious to thhe two count.. and Lita is outside tapping her hands against the mat to the Batista chant. (Good catch Eric) Dave does NOT fall at the 3 count, gets to his feet, tosses Edge to the ropes, but gets hiht with a huge dropkick!
Edge runs to the top, but Dave charges him and brings him up for the superplex! I remember when that move was a finisher.. both men are out… but slowly get to thheir feet. Edge first, but the punch exchange begins.
Batista wins it, tosses Edge to the corner – and follows up with the clothesline. Edge hits the ropes, and misses with a crossbody, but HITS the ref. Now it’s Christian and Tomko all over Batista! Who comes down, but the Natcha Boy! He clears house of Christian and Tomko, but eats a Spear. Everyone is too busy beating on Flair to see Batista get up and destroy EVREYONE! Edge though gets the Spear on Batista…. the ref crawls over…
1….
2….
33333333333333333333333333NO!
The ref is still not ok as Lita hands Edge the briefcase – but Batista catches him, Rock Bottom and a Batista Bomb for the win!
WINNER: BATISTA!!!!!
Nice solid sports entertainment ending, but high impact stuff. Not a shock. Dave goes and helps up Flair.
“Flair’s not bleeding!” – Eric
“Internally he is” – Hernandez
Dave and Flair have a shared moment, but good christ it was two weeks already.. hehre comes Trips.. and Ric is in the prime spot to low blow Dave… and he does so. Sadly, spotty camera work misses it. Trips comes on down with the sledgehammer, and Dave is stunned. He then in fact eats a sledgehammer.
We get a flashback to 30 seconds ago for the nutshot we missed.. and we come back and Dave is bleeding like a bastard. Trips rips off his shirt to show us what he did in his two weeks… as some of that weight is gone. Dave eats some stairs, and some table, and the ring bell, and the sledgehammer again.
“When Trips keeps his hand in front of the hammer like that.. it hurts that much more!” – Hernandez
Trips states randomly, “Hell In A Cell” – and eats the Pedigree, on the world title.
Oh, and JR thinks he’s an asshole.
What did the Rabble think of the show?
“I liked a lot” – Jenna
“Meh” – Eric
“Kane = Emo. Ric should have come out in a donkey though.” – Dani
“Cared less about the main event, but liked the ending.” – Hernandez
