The SmarK Rant for WWE Judgment Day 2005

The SmarK Rant for WWE Judgment Day 2005

– Kind of an appropriate title considering this show is pretty much judgment day for Cena’s run as champion thus far.

– Live from Minneapolis, MN

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening match: MNM v. Bob Holly & Charlie Haas. Melina immediately annoys me by ripping off the Hollywood Blonds’ “Brush with Greatness” catchphrase, but it’s been well over 7 years so it’s fair game. Plus she makes up for it with the ring entrance. Nitro starts out with Haas and grabs a headlock, but doesn’t get anywhere with it. Next plan is a wristlock takedown, which Haas bridges out of and armdrags him out of the ring. Haas snaps him back in and starts his own punishment of the arm, with an armdrag for two. Holly comes in and Nitro retreats to let Mercury deal with him. Holly overpowers Mercury and they fight over a rollup, before Holly gets the DROPKICK OF DOOM and the low blow on the ropes. Mercury comes back with some chops, but loses that battle quickly. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, but Nitro sneaks in with a superkick to break it up, and Holly is YOUR grump-in-peril. MNM works him over in the corner and Mercury gets a neckbreaker for two. Holly fires off more chops, but runs into a boot and Mercury levels him with a clothesline out of the corner for two. Nitro slugs him down and chokes away, then hits the chinlock. Holly fights out of it and gets a full-nelson slam, and it’s hot tag Haas. He backdrops and dropkicks Mercury and spears Nitro, then dumps both of them and follows with an unlikely plancha. He stops to go after Melina and Mercury attacks, but Haas rolls him up for two. Small package gets two. Exploder and it’s BONZO GONZO, but Holly misses a charge and splats outside. The ref is distracted and doesn’t see Hass’ pin on Mercury, and Nitro cheapshots him to set up the Snapshot (Problem Solver) for the pin at 8:05. Nothing spectacular, although the crowd reaction to Hass’ comeback was something to behold. **1/4

– Carlito v. Big Show. Carlito really has the star aura around him now, although Matt Morgan needs a better look as the bodyguard. Carlito runs away to start, but gets caught and tossed into the corner. This prompts the usual “frying pan” simile from Michael Cole. Show tosses him around like the proverbial ragdoll and steps on him, then slams him, but Morgan pulls down the rope to put Show on the floor. Back in, Carlito gets two. He tries to keep Show down by pounding him, but Show casually fights him off, which brings the “typewriter” reference from Cole. Someone get this guy a thesaurus. The ref is bumped and Show goes for the chokeslam, but Carlito goes low and Morgan adds a big boot and F-F-F-F-F5, and Carlito gets the pin at 4:41. I quiver in anticipation of Big Show v. Matt Morgan. 1/2*

– Cruiserweight title: Paul London v. Chavo Guerrero. They do some sparring to start and London takes Chavo down, but Chavo pounds him to get free. He fires away with forearms and a backbreaker, and works on the back with kicks. He keeps working on the back in the corner and takes him down for a wristlock submission move, but London comes back with a clothesline. He snaps off a nice rana for two. Chavo keeps coming with forearms, however, but misses a blind charge and London jumps him and then dropkicks him and goes up. 450 hits nothing but knee, which pays off Chavo working on the ribs quite nicely. Chavo goes back to the ribs and slugs away on London, then gets a backdrop suplex for two. He throws more nasty kicks to the ribs and chokes him out on the ropes, then suplexes him on the top rope. Kick to the ribs gets two. Abdominal stretch follows, but London counters out of a pumphandle attempt and gets two. Chavo goes back to the ribs, however. He whips London into the corner and follows with a backdrop suplex attempt, but London lands on his feet and hits Chavo with a belly to belly. Chavo recovers first and stomps his head, but London fires back with forearms. He lands on his feet after being backdropped and comes back with a leg lariat for two. Running forearm into the corner follows and an enzuigiri gets two. London goes for a victory roll, and Chavo grabs the ropes to get two. That allows him the time to stomp the ribs again to regain control, but London flips over him in the corner. Chavo tries the Gory Bomb, but London fights out and gets a form of the koppo kick, and goes up again. Chavo rolls out to escape, so London flattens him with a somersault dive to the floor. Chavo recovers first, however, and gets a tope suicida on London. Man, he just won’t die. Back in, they fight up to the top rope and Chavo tries a piledriver from the top, but London backdrops out of it and follows with the 450, and that finishes at 10:54. Felt like it could have gone longer and found one more gear to kick into, but it was quite good for the time given. The “champion is beat up and done for” groove was really effective, and it was almost a case where a fluke finish would have worked better. ***1/4

– Kurt Angle v. Booker T. Booker, as expected by the video package, goes after Angle and beats the hell out of him, then sidekicks him down. He chokes away on the top rope, but Angle facelocks him, so Booker pounds him with shoulders to escape. Into the corner, and Booker throws some chops, so Angle takes him into the corner and fires back with his own shoulders. Angle pounds him down and grabs a chinlock, but Booker fights up and hiptosses him. Angle begs off, so Booker stomps him in the corner and necksnaps him out. Seated dropkick, but Angle suckers him into the anklelock. Booker pushes off to escape and sidekicks him down again. I haven’t seen Booker actually showing emotion like this since, ever, really. He puts Angle on the top rope and axe kicks him to the floor. Booker really needs to tap into his inner pissed off black guy more often. Angle sends him into the post to buy time, however, and kneelifts him as they head into the ring. He does that a few times to take over, mixing it up with some forearms, and a vertical suplex gets two. That’s actually the first pin attempt of the match. He takes Booker down with a chinlock and bodyscissors, but Booker fights out of it. He misses a sidekick and crotches himself on the top rope, however. Angle gets a nice backdrop suplex for two off that. Kurt works him over in the corner with forearms and chokes away. Backbreaker gets two. Angle wrestles him into a two count and keeps him on the mat with a bearhug. Michael Cole actually makes a good point for once, noting that Kurt survived Booker’s initial emotionally-charged flurry and was able to take control with patience and wrestling. Booker fights up with an elbow to the face and makes the comeback with the forearm and clothesline. Snap suplex gets two for Booker. Superkick puts Angle down, as he’s bleeding from a variety of places. Axe kick misses and Angle tries the Angle slam, but the Bookend gets two instead. Booker stops to spinarooni, but that allows Angle to come back with a clothesline and start throwing the german suplexes. Booker fights out with elbows, but walks into the overhead suplex. Angle gets two. Angle Slam is reversed to a cradle for the pin at 13:59. That looked like a mistake, actually. Ending didn’t really work for me, as I was expecting some anklelock stuff, but the match itself was quite good, probably Booker’s best in a long time. ***1/4

– US title: Orlando Jordan v. Heidenreich. I still don’t get how or why Jordan ended up with the US title. Heidenreich finds a girl in the front row who is way too excited to be his friend, and reads her a poem. Is anyone else getting the wrong vibe from this? I mean, seriously, would YOU let some tattooed Aryan guy in his underwear bring your daughter out of the crowd to be his “friend”? Heidenreich needs better material. Maybe Lanny Poffo should ghost-write for him. OJ attacks to start and goes up to the middle rope, but Heidenreich slugs him down. A really bad powerslam gets two. I mean, how do you mess up THAT move? Pick him up, put him down, not hard. They fight outside as Heidenreich’s victim…er…friend goes through a range of emotions. Must be the Stockholm Syndrome. Back in, Jordan gets a backdrop suplex for two. He goes to a neck vice and stomps Heidenreich down, but he makes the comeback. He gets some clotheslines, and a backdrop. Big boot gets two. That girl at ringside is VERY annoying. Jordan gets a neckbreaker for two. Jordan stops to draw a giant “OJ” and gets rolled up for two. That’s gotta be embarrassing. He gets a DDT for the pin at 5:01, however, to retain the title. The girl handles it pretty well. I’m gonna need some therapy, however. DUD Just to irritate me further, the girl comes into the ring and leads the crowd in a “Heidenreich” chant and gets him to do his happy goosestep. What kind of drugs were they doing when they came up with this one?

– Eddie Guerrero v. Rey Mysterio. Oh yeah, this is more like it. The Eddie turn does present a problem, however, in that fans these days will cheer strong characters in general, regardless of heel-face alignment, because everyone is booked to be such losers most of the time. Thus, whenever anyone breaks out of the 50/50 booking mold, they immediately become a de facto babyface. And heel Eddie suplexing people on inanimate objects is a VERY strong character. We get the cool staredown and smackfest to start, before Eddie goes loco on him and pounds away on the ropes. He throws some nice knees , but Rey overpowers him and kicks him in the head, so Eddie bails. Rey follows him out and Eddie sends him into the steps to make him pay for that. Then, in case the point wasn’t made, he sends Rey into the post, too. Then, just because Rey can be slow at times, Eddie slams his back into the announce table. I hope he got the point. He puts Rey back in the ring, and then thinks better of it and slams him on the table again. That’s awesome. He’s just so EVIL again. Back in, he beats the hell out of Rey and dropkicks him down for two. Absolutely WICKED backdrop suplex gets two. Abdominal stretch follows, as he twists him in very mean ways, and then cuts off a comeback with an inverted powerbomb for two. Rey fights up again, but Eddie kicks him in the bad ribs and goes to a half-crab with a knee in the ribs. Rey kicks him in the face a few times to break free, but can’t stand up. Eddie grabs a leg, so Rey gets an enzuigiri. Both guys are down, but Rey manages to pull himself up first and comes back with a monkey flip. Eddie tries to dump him, but Rey lands on the apron and springs back in with a diving headbutt for two. They slug it out, but Eddie dropkicks him in the knee and gets a Liontamer, the way Jericho USED to do it. He turns that into a standard Boston crab, and then into an STF to prevent Rey from grabbing the ropes. It doesn’t work. Eddie shows his frustrations and tosses him to the floor, then sets up the stairs again. Rey realizes what’s going on and clings to the railing in rather pathetic fashion, but Eddie pounds him and brings him to the stairs. Rey blocks the suplex and sends Eddie into the post in desperation, then hits him with the ringpost 619. Saw that one coming. Back in, they slug it out, and Rey wins with an unlikely big boot. He makes the comeback with a springboard crossbody for two. Leg lariat and he gets the springboard senton for two. Rey hammers away in the corner in un-Rey-like fashion, but his temper gets the best of him, as he charges and hits the post. Eddie puts him on top and brings him down with a superplex for two. Eddie gets the rolling verticals , but Rey rolls out of the third one and kicks Eddie into 619 position. Chavo, however, comes out to run interference, allowing Eddie to grab a chair. Rey dropkicks the knee to prevent him from using it, gets rid of Chavo, and hits Eddie with the 619. Rey springs in, but Eddie waffles him the chair to draw the DQ at 18:44. And thus Eddie still can’t beat Rey. A monster beatdown with the chair follows. A DQ was pretty much the best route to go, because Rey beating him clean would have ended the storyline. This was ugly and nasty in all the good ways and quite epic. ****

– Smackdown World title: John Cena v. JBL. This is “I Quit” rules, of course. Cena enters on the back of a semi, which I’m sure will come into play later. They fight over a lockup to start and Cena grabs a headlock, controlling JBL on the mat. JBL reverses to his own, so Cena takes him down with an armdrag. Bradshaw bails to escape, so Cena suplexes him back in and chokes him down. JBL comes back with a clubbing forearm and a DDT for nothing, since there’s no pins. Cena comes back with a backdrop and clotheslines him out of the ring, and they do a bit of brawling out there. Cena gets whipped into the railing and it’s out into the crowd, where it looks like JBL DDTs him on the floor. Hard to tell from that camera angle. They slug it out and JBL sends him back to ringside and preps the announce table, offering Cena a chance to quit first. He refuses, so JBL whips him into the stairs. Can’t say he didn’t warn him. JBL steals a belt from ringside and whips him with it, then chokes him against the post with it. Nice. Cena pulls him into the post to break free. JBL gets a bit upset at that and offers him another chance to quit, then tries a piledriver on the table, which Cena reverses to a backdrop through the other table. Cena clubs him with what I think was a monitor as he gets up, but JBL comes back with a well-timed chairshot and Cena starts bleeding. Nice one, too. Apparently it’s not enough blood for Bradshaw, as he bounces the stairs off his face and Cena REALLY starts gushing. As Gordon Solie would say, he’s wearing the crimson mask. Into the ring, JBL indicates that Cena can’t see him, which I think is literally true at this point. Clothesline From New York follows, and a short-arm version, but it doesn’t matter if Cena is too unconscious to quit. Realizing this, JBL chokes him out with Cena’s own chain, lacking an actual submission move. Cena fights out, but JBL goes low and starts doing the Tully-TA mic spot (“Quit!” THUMP “Aaaaaagh!”) but Cena gets pissed off and comes back. Hiptoss into the backdrop suplex, and five-knuckle shuffle follows. That sets up the F-U, but that’s rather pointless in this sort of match. And indeed, JBL rolls out of the ring and flips him off. Cena follows him out and they fight on the limo, as Cena suplexes him onto the hood. JBL comes back with a neckbreaker on the hood, which is now covered in dents and blood. Nice visual. They head over to the electrical equipment and JBL chokes him with a power cord, but won’t Cena won’t quit and reverses him into a TV, which is a rather silly spot but an effective visual. And now JBL is bleeding, as you’d expect. In real life the glass wouldn’t break from that kind of impact, but whatever. So they head over to the limo and Cena uses JBL’s head to smash a window, and up to the roof they go. JBL uses the thumb to the eye and tries a suplex, but Cena reverses and gets his own. JBL crawls into the limo to escape, but Cena pulls him out and runs him into the door, knocking it off the hinges. These are some really creative spots. Cena then uses the door on the windshield, perhaps thinking better of using it as a weapon, I dunno. So up to the back of the trailer they go, as expected, and JBL DDTs him to buy some time. Cena still won’t quit (“Quit!” THUMP) so JBL climbs up an amp and tries to hang Cena with a piece of cable. Cena clobbers him with the mic to break, and JBL falls through a table. No idea why it was there, but it was, so it’s fair game. Next up, Cena pulls an exhaust pipe off the trailer, and JBL begs off by quitting at 22:53. Bad ending, great, brutal match. That’s exactly the kind of crazy, bloody, brawl I was wanting to see at Wrestlemania. ****1/4 I think this might be Cena’s milieu, the same way that Steve Austin was able to work around his limitations by doing the same sort of brawl in his glory years.