Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier, the Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer, which is brewed in Bamberg, Germany. I tried this for the first time on Friday night, as I read about how it’s made by passing smoke from burning beech wood through the malt, which gives it a very robust, smoky taste. Well, it tastes just like liquid bacon. I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or not, since bacon is not a bad thing, but bacon in liquid form is, just… odd. Try it for yourself and get back to me.
On Tuesday night I got home from work around 12:15am. After getting some of those new roasted garlic cheeseburgers at White Castle, and settling down to do some work on the computer, I finally went to bed around 2:30am. I intended to wake up the next day around noon in order to get some things done (viz. get the oil/filter changed in my car, go into the city to buy some new clothes, and possibly get a tattoo if time would permit), but I also figured that if I happened to sleep in a few more hours that I would allow it, considering that I had gotten a total of about 8 hours of sleep over the past three nights. I finally woke up around 2:30pm on Wednesday, but I was still feeling a little groggy, so I decided to rest my eyes for another 15 minutes or so. 15 minutes somehow got extended, because I woke up at 7:30pm. Yeah… I slept, virtually undisturbed, and without alcoholic involvement, for 17 hours, shattering all previously held records of my sloth, which had been set somewhere slightly over 13 hours. My only rationalization of this occurrence is that I am part-vampire, and that the roasted garlic cheeseburgers came very close to actually killing me, in a euthanasia-type manner. The only thing that kept me alive was the cheese fries that I accompanied them with. This proves that cheese fries are the greatest food on the face of the earth.
Alex Gutierrez writes…
I got to give it to you, you had some nice songs listed, Rhiannon, D-Mode, Garbage, etc. But what blew me away is Fall on Your Knife by Peter Murphy. I tell people that is one of the all time “great songs that nobody has ever heard.” I first heard it because it was the main song for this stupid teen movie, Trojan War with Jennifer Love Hewitt that you can catch every now and then on cable, anyway, I knew Peter Murphy from Bauhaus, but I heard that song and had to go out and buy the cd right then.
The song is easily in my top 5. I’ve never seen Trojan War, and it sounds shitty, but if that song’s in there, I’ve got a modicum of interest now. Bauhaus is one of my favorite bands, so I own most of the Peter Murphy and Daniel Ash side/solo projects, and “I’ll Fall on Your Knife,” although it’s relatively slow, is a pretty big standard at goth clubs. As an aside, I fully intend to have that be the slow dance song at my wedding… this will not be debatable. Keep in mind that I don’t even have a girlfriend, however, one of the criteria for future spousal nominees is unmitigated compliance with this.
I went back in time last week, just so that I could see Joy Division live at Les Bains Douches on December 18, 1979. On my way out of the venue and to my time machine, I accidentally slipped and fell on the ground. However, as I was falling to the ground, one of my shoes was propelled into the air and lost. I got up and made my way into my time machine, figuring that leaving my shoe in 1979 Paris would have no adverse effect on the future, or the present, as we know it. However, upon returning back to 2005, I realize that I’m wrong, as an “alternate present” has been created…
That_Bootleg_Guy lives in Buffalo, New York, and is married to a female bodybuilder and has twin daughters. He makes his living as a construction worker, but also makes cash on the side by selling his custom-made hair bows at local craft shows. He is still black, but instead of resembling Ken Griffey Jr. with gigantism, he instead resembles Rudy Ray Moore with a harelip!
D’Estroyer is currently serving his second consecutive term as the mayor of Fort Myers, Florida. The locals like how he has lobbied to have easy listening music piped in overhead at all government buildings, restaurants, and retail shops, and has most recently gotten Liberace to play at the town hall. In the alternate present, Liberace is not dead.
Gloomchen works with apes in Ghana. Just the other day, she managed to teach one of the apes to talk. At a press conference, the ape told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet (which, in the alternate present, is the largest publication on the face of the earth, and not just some random Internet news column) that he’s going to be leaving Gloomchen’s ape sanctuary and moving to Canada to live with his “real” mentor, Scott Keith.
Toby Bonagura is an evil genius who lives on an island off of the Strait of Gibraltar that he has dubbed Aruba Jam Sprite Remix Presents Evil Mountain. He is currently working with Luxembourg (which, in the alternate present, is the most powerful and diabolical nation in the entire world) to build a missile that can destroy Venus, just because. Also, in the alternate present, the McDonald’s Arch Deluxe still exists.
In the alternate present, reviews for Sleater-Kinney, System of a Down, Team Sleep, and Aimee Mann do not exist. In fact, neither does this Web site. Instead, this domain name is used by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, which, in the alternate present, is called the Inside Pulse Teddy Bear Company.
NEWS TO USE
Nine Inch Nails canceled a scheduled appearance at the upcoming MTV Movie Awards after a disagreement with network officials over a prop that was to be used during their a performance of their newest single. According to lead singer Trent Reznor, they were going “to perform ‘The Hand That Feeds’ with an unmolested, straightforward image of George W. Bush as the backdrop. Apparently, the image of our president is as offensive to MTV as it is to me.” MTV released a statement soon thereafter, saying that “[w]hile we respect Nine Inch Nails’ point of view, we were uncomfortable with their performance being built around a partisan political statement. When we discussed our discomfort with the band, their choice was to unfortunately pull out of the Movie Awards. They will be replaced with Snow Patrol, and as a result of the combination of the two, Jeremy Botter will soil his knickers in glee.”
Country superstar Garth Brooks proposed to girlfriend/fellow country musician Trisha Yearwood on Wednesday night, while at the “Legends in Bronze” ceremony at Buck Owen’ Crystal Palace in Bakersfield, California. The two were on-hand because one of the 10 commemorative bronze statues that were unveiled was of Brooks, along with statues of Buck Owens, Elvis Presley, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Merle Haggard, . Immediately after his statue was introduced to the crowd of 7,000 fans, Brooks got down on one knee onstage and proposed to Yearwood, who accepted. “I feel that Trisha and I have really connected over the past few years, and I am in love with her. The one thing that overshadows everything, though,” he told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “is that she’s never brought up the time I tried to pull off a soul patch, not even as a joke. That’s what told me that she was the one. Hell, I’m still getting hate mail for that one…”
MÃƒÂ¶tley CrÃƒÂ¼e filed a lawsuit against NBC on Tuesday, after being banned from the network for Vince Neil’s slip up on New Year’s Eve. In the incident in question, the band was performing for the New Year’s Eve broadcast of The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, and shortly after midnight Neil shouted out to drummer Tommy Lee, “Happy f*cking New Year,” or something like that. The lawsuit states that Neil was unaware that the expletive had been aired, and that NBC has violated the band’s right to free speech and hurt their record sales by preventing them from being able to promote on the network. Their suit seeks a lift on the ban, as well as an unspecified amount to make up for hampered record and ticket sales. It also alleges that NBC is unfairly targeting the group, since neither Bono nor U2 was banned after he said, “f*cking brilliant” at the 2004 Golden Globe Awards ceremony. The network released a statement in response to the lawsuit: “To ensure compliance with its broadcast standards, NBC has the right to decide not to invite back guests who violate those standards and use an expletive during a live entertainment program … We will defend the case vigorously and we fully expect to prevail.” Oddly enough, though, Tommy Lee’s reality program where he goes to college and smacks around a bunch of drunken young co-eds with his donkey dick is still scheduled to air sometime this summer.
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A couple of members of Bobby Brown’s entourage were stabbed during a fracas at The Sycophantic Shithead’s Justin’s Restaurant and Bar in Atlanta. Brown was reportedly performing during open mic night when a disagreement between his friends and some other patrons escalated into a brawl. Shayne Brown and Kelsey Brown were admitted to nearby medical facilities, while the perpetrators are still at large. I’d be willing to bet that that shitstarter Lil Jon had something to do with this, as he’s not caused any trouble lately and is about due.
Cock rock revival band The Darkness has parted ways with bassist Frankie Poullain, a result of “musical differences.”
Bob Geldof told reporters that a Live Aid-type concert extravaganza is “brewing,” although it’s not to be labeled as “Live Aid II.” The concert, which is rumored to involve Sting, Paul McCartney, and U2, will once again benefit African famine, and may coincide with this year’s G8 summit in Scotland.
Billy Idol will perform at select dates for this year’s Vans Warped Tour.
Tupac’s mother, Afeni Shakur, is getting ready to open the Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts, in Stone Mountain, Georgia, on June 11. The center includes an art gallery, gift shop, rehearsal area, another gift shop, and a “peace garden.” Also to be added is a community meeting area, classrooms, and another gift shop.
Guitarist Paul Hinojos has left Sparta, although the band has not announced any plans to stop recording its next record, which is only partially finished. They have not yet named a replacement, but are accepting applications from guys with afros and shag haircuts.
The Who is compiling a new documentary, and is looking for private fan footage of the band… “There will be very unusual stuff, hopefully, that never was seen before,” Lerner told Reuters. “We’re looking for material like fights between them, on and off the stage, unruly fans that make it difficult, weird incidents on the stage, interviews with ex-wives and girlfriends.”
Boston Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo is releasing a rock album, which will be available July 12. It is said to contain covers of Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, and Foo Fighters tracks, and will feature Alice in Chains bassist Mike Inez, along with former Monkee Mickey Dolenz…
Mickey Dolenz, who was part of the popular 1960s group The Monkees, will appear on the upcoming Bronson Arroyo album.
Rapper Cassidy will be parodying 50 Cent in the upcoming video for “B-Boy Stance.” The video will be very close to that of 50 Cent’s “21 Questions,” and according to sources close to Cassidy, almost 25 rhinoceroses were used.
Henry Rollins told reporters that he is planning a USO tour at military stations in Japan, South Korea, Guam, and other Pacific locations between June 13 and June 23.
Coldplay singer Chris Martin joined Stevie Wonder onstage last week at New York’s Jacob Javits Centre for a duet version of Wonder’s hit “Superstition.” Wonder was performing to raise money for a local charity.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
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Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
A Tribe Called Quest, “Find a Way”
Jay-Z, “Guilty Until Proven Innocent” [f/R. Kelly]
DJ Spiller, “Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love)”
Rolling Stones, “Have You Seen Your Mother Baby?”
Two Da Road, “Re-Up” [f/Shyheim]
Joy Division, “Love Will Tear Us Apart”
P’taah, “Do You Keep It Near You?”
Iggy Pop, “The Passenger”
Front 242, “Master Hit (Part 1 & 2)”
Berlin, “Sex (I’m a…)”
The Living End, “Roll On”
Ministry, “What About Us?”
.38 Special, “Hold On Loosely”
The Runaways, “Cherry Bomb”
Todd Rundgren, “Hello It’s Me”
ORG Lounge, “Amon Dur”
Method Man/Redman, “Mi Casa”
Big & Rich, “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”
SinÃƒÂ©ad O’Connor, “Nothing Compares 2 U”
Freestylers, “Here We Go” [f/Definition of Sound]
Dust for Life, “Where the Freaks Go”
Bahamadia, “One-4-Teen (Funky for You)”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
After years of mutual dissent with his former boss Suge Knight, rapper Snoop Dogg invited the record mogul to attend the Protect the West summit in order to hash out their long-lasting feud. “Suge didn’t show up, but you know, as far as we’re both concerned, we don’t have no problems with each other no more.” Snoop told reporters after the summit. “We’re just trying to move forward because he’s trying to do business. They’re trying to take him out of the game, and I don’t want to see him go out of the game like that because I’ve got love for him. He gave me [an] opportunity when nobody else would. I’m a grown man now, so I’ve learned to forgive people for what they’ve done, for what they know not. … I feel like I can help him like he helped me. It’s just a matter of us trying to come together and me looking at the situation. You know, when you see a brother down, do you kick him or do you give him a hand? I was taught to give him a hand. So I’m just trying to help. I don’t have any problem with Suge Knight, Death Row Records, more power to them. I wish them success and luck.” While reporters for The Associated Press could not immediately reach Knight for comment, The Saturday Swindle Sheet was able to get a hold of a Death Row spokesman, who told the reporter that Suge Knight would be happy to bury the hatchet with Snoop. However, he added, a few minutes after the hatchet is to be buried, Suge Knight would punch Snoop in the nuts so that Triple H could come out and attack him with a sledgehammer.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’ll see you down in Arizona Bay.