HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY – It is on this day that we, the people of this United States gather together to eat meat slathered in barbecue sauce, we watch war movies, and we get an extra day to celebrate the passing of a week.
I’m sure there are other reasons that are important to people who pay attention to politics…
but damnit.. I have better things to do.
Like the —
N I G H T
R A B B L E
This week we are joined by
HERNANDEZ – The man who ate the worm…
JENNA – The girl who cobs the corn…
ERIC – The guy who fries the chicken…
LAURA – The girl who spiked the Liberty Punch…
BILL – The man returning from the war (or college)…
DANI – The girl who raises my flag…
=and=
ME! – The guy who eliminates the infidels…
* 250,000vnd
* Scott Keith’s new book, with margin notes by me!
* A signed autographed picture of me (worth absolutely nothing)
* Other stuff I have lying around!
Email: rabblediva@gmail.com
NOW TO THE SHOW:::
This night of Raw is dedicated to the people who wield guns in foreign lands.. but only the ones that over 6’3″ and 300lbs. because Vinnie LOVES the big guys.
“Even a tribute by the WWE seems in bad taste” – Dani
“Yeah, because we’re only going to rag on it… is this foreshadowing for the USA Network change?” – Hernandez
“Yeah, way to bring us down..” – Eric
We start with Jerry Lawler, and a Diva swimsuit thingie.
“Does anyone find it funny that they are in Canada on Memorial Day?” – Dani
“AND they gave us a pro-America opener?” – Eric
First down to the ring is Christie!
Next is Candace.. who is actually a cutie.
Now Maria aka Cleavage McKraken (this name brought to you by Hernandez)
“So they are getting the Viscera part out of the way early?” – Hernandez
Now is Victoria.. *yawn*
And in her first ever swimsuit competition.. Lillian Garcia.
“Where’s Lita and Trish?” – Dani
“They aren’t Divas.. they’re wrestlers or something?” – Eric
“So why’s Victoria there?” – Dani
“Well there is no Women’s Division.. so..” – Eric
Oh and here comes Viscera… and the girls weren’t instructed how to react. They are smiling, giggling, none of them seem scared as they should be that they have been placed in this dumbass angle.
Viscera isn’t actually here to help vote on the girls – he is here to take Lillian. So he heaves her up, and leaves with her.
“He didn’t have to climb a building to get to her, either.” – Me
“Now he’ll climb the Titantron” – Hernandez
So the girls all drop their towels.
“This is the first time the message board is not screaming ‘Get a towel'” – Dani
(When Christie shows her bikini) “The future Mrs. Lawler!” – Hernandez
So Christie wins.
“…wow…christie won… what a shocker… i feel such a swerve…” – Eric
Victoria is about to leave and charges in to destroy Divas! She goes and kicks one, drops another, and then beats the snot out of Christie with stiff punches to the breast. She nut punches Lawler and gives Christie the Widow’s Peak.. and it didn’t land well…
Actually, we begin speculating that Christie really popped her knee.
They just drop to a commercial with little lead out. Not good.
COMMERCIAL
On the replay, they show it again aaaandddd…. not a great angle to tell. Check Inside Pulse tomorroww for more news. Anyway, backstage Victoria is evil again! She’s pissed at Christie. Justifiably.
Now though, coming out to the ring, Hurricane, Rosey, and Super-Stacy!
They are facing, Dani’s favorite tag team… the Heart Throbs!
ROSEY & HURRICANE vs. THE HEART THROBS
Tag title match
The Heart Throbs do a little dance down the aisle.. awesome. They do some double dutch which leads into their pants getting ripped off and their dancing goes on uncomfortably long.
Hurricane starts the match with both Antonio & Romoeo, they toss him to the ropes, but he blocks it and hurls out Antonio. Hurricane tosses him, dropkick and a pin for two.
Irish whip sends Helms into the corner. He climbs to the top, but gets dropoped by Antonio. Outside he beats him foro a bit and now Romeo takes advantage, neckbreaker and a pin for two. A batch of tags from the Heartthrobs.. a bunch of punches.. more tags.. and more punches.. a couple of two counts.
We are currently discussing whether Stacy is closer to ‘SPIDERBABE’ (by Seduction Cinema) or ‘THE PRO’ (by Garth Ennis).
Finally a doubleteam move goes awry, they toss Helms into the corner, charge and miss which gives him enough time for Rosey to charge in and clear house. Squashes the boys, slams the other. Tags in Hurricane, and leaps onto the turnbuckle – Hurricane climbs onto Rosey’s shoulders.. and does the snuka off of Rosey!
WINNERS: ROSEY & HURRICANE
“That was awesome!” – Me
“They’ve been doing that for awhile? You just never see them wrestle.” – Hernandez
In the back, Batista.
“–oh, HELLO!” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
Raw is announcing the Diva search – but you know $250,000 is nothing.. 250,000vnd is AWESOME!
We get a flashback to the return of the H. Whoopdef*ck.
In the back agaian though it’s Batista talking to Bischoff. Batista is now wearing a bandage, which Hernandez points out he wasn’t wearing when he came in. Batista wants the Hell In A Cell rematch next week.
“IT’S A TRAP!” – Bill
Yes.. Akbar and Hassan come in.. and Bill reads my report apparently. Hassan wants to know how come Trips loses at the last two shows and now gets another one! HOLY GOD I AGREE WITH HASSAN!?!
So tonight, Batista vs. Hassan.. and a killer moment when Akbar runs up and starts babbling at Batista and he just slaps him.. square.. with nice resound. Delightful, as Akbar sells it like a trooper.
“Geez Bischoff looks small compared to these two.” – Eric
“No – that’s actual size” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
Coming down to the ring he issssss… Shelton Benjamin.
“You know, I hear that Shelton Benjamin.. there ain’t no stopping him now..” – Bill
“YO NAME.. EES TOBY” – Hernandez
He is facing Sylvain Grenier.. and … Conway? Ummm…
Oh! This is a triple threat match!
Both memebers of Le Resistance gang up on Shelton, as Shelton drops one, the other charges in. They start stomping in, then the other comes in, stomps him, back and forth they go – but youo can see them arguing with each move they do. Both trying to prove they’ll do it better. It’s actually funny, as Shelton is taking every hit.
Conway, punches him. Grenier lifts him up and punches him.
Slams to the head. Slams to the head.
Big fist. Caught and reversed.
Shelton now takes the high roaod and tosses out Grenier and goes after Conway. Shelton gets the backbreaker on Conway. Tosses Conway to the ropes, leapfrog and Grenier catches Shelton in mid-air and Conway clotheslines him.
Conway goes for the pin. Grenier stops it.
Grenier goes for the pin. Conway stops it.
Shelton bails, and Conway tries to pin Grenier.. and they start fighting it out.
In comes Shelton to clear them out, double baseball slide, Grenier climbs in and gets a big flying leap… but Conway stops it.
Grenier and Conway are now fighting ouot, Conway hits a BEAUTIFUL neckbreaker for 1… 2… NO!
Both fight too their knees, and continue punching up to their feet. Conway whips Grenier into the corner, Shelton charges in – throws out Grenier and splashes Conway.
“HERE COMES THE BLACK MAN TO HIJACK THE MATCH!” – Hernandez
Shelton goes for the superkick, caught, spinning heel kick, and standing slam to Grenier – that’s that.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
COMMERCIAL –
Coming down for the 10 o’clock spot…. for the spot that is guaranteed ratings.
“These are the spots that the ratings fluctuate” – Hernandez
IT’S TIME FOR THE HIGHLIGHT REEL!
Y 2 J
He had an autograph signing tonight so he was almost late…
“He was waiting for his fan to show up…” – Hernandez
Anyway, next week is the Draft Lottery. He’s got the guarantee to have them on the Highlight Reel.
“So they are going to pick names out of the hat, and whomever we pick – we throw rocks to kill them” – Bill
“Oooo obscure, I like” – Me
So now coming down to the ring is a monster.. no, not Lita.. here comes KAAAAAAAANE!
Jericho stands far on the other side of the ring and asks how it felt to find out that he was being cheated on.
“The part of Matt Hardy tonight is played by Kane!” – Hernandez
Jericho questions whether the man has misfunctioning equipment.
Does he have.. premature pyro?
Jericho then invites Kane to go and buy some Hagendaaz, some other hysterical crap, and have a good cry. Awesome! That’s the Jericho I love.
Saving Chris’ joke is Edge on the Titantron. Edge asks all the questions that would make Matt Hardy uncomfortable – and he doesn’t feel bad for what he’s done. Lita has a personal announcement for Kane.. she has officially filed for divorce. In the background, the Canadian audience is chanting YOU SCREWED MATT louder than they can mute.
So they flush Kane’s wedding ring.. wheeee…
Back in the ring, Kane is crying.
“KANE HATE FREDDY PRINCE, JR!” – Bill
“Come on… cut… sing a pretty sad song…” – Dani
Awww, COMMERCIAL.
We get a flash to the “ECW match” last week… and too lead up the ECW show, Bischoff comes on down to the commentary position.
He babbles on about how he is going to crush ECW. Why is he going to have Benoit vs. Edge? Well if Benoit wants to go EXTREME.. then he will have a man from his Anti-ECW army send him through a table… Umm.. Edge!
BENOIT vs. EDGE *w/Lita*
Tables Match w/ Canadians in Canadia
Match starts with a lock-up. Charges and chops from Benoit that drop Edge. Snap suplex from Chris to Edge. He picks him up by the hair and slams him into the corner for some more chops. Edge spins it around and tosses Chris into the corner to leave and go for the table.
Benoit gets up in time to suicide dive through the 2nd rope to invoke a HOLY SHIT chant. Both dead outside the ring .. good time for a commercial.
COMMERCIAL
Back in the match, Edge is throwing Benoit back in the ring. Benoit drops Edge and tries to go for the sharpshooter, but Edge kicks out of it. He picks him up, tosses Benoit to the ropes, he holds on and Edge fails at dropkicking. Benoit goes for the sharpshooter – denied again.
Benoit gets tossed into the corner, and charged. Out goes Edge to get a table.. he picks it up and gets it baseball slid into his face. Nice spot.
Outside Benoit constructs the table, which is apparently broken. He takes a moment to ring Edge (who is bleeding from the mouth) on the ropes so he can fix the table. He fixes it and gets to the apron, they fight to the death with teaser spots for a german suplex, a full suplex.. great tease set.
Benoit hits the ropes, but gets clocked in the face and drops like a rock. Edge climbs to the top, but NOOOOooooo Benoit drops him, and baseball slides him AGAAAAAIN to the outside. During this time, Benoit sets up a table in the ring and brings up Edge for the superplex.
In comes Lita to MOVE the table.
“THANKS! THAT WOULDA BROKE MY FALL!” – Hernandez
Lita tosses in the briefcfase, but Benoit catches Edge first and goes for the triumverate of german suplexes. Hits another set of three, and puts Edge on the table. Up to the top he goes for the flying headbutt, but Lita shoves him off.
Bischoff gives the ‘COME HITHER’ hand – and here comes what we can assume is the ‘anti-ECW’ group… Tomko, Maven, SNITSKY! (w/ Lou Albano Chin Rubber) They destroy Benoit, and watch as Edge powerbombs Benoit into the table.
Edge goes to kiss Lita, and it’s obvious that Lita says NO.. given the blood pouring from Edge’s mouth.
“She’ll get your herpes.. again.” – Me
Sadly there is no ECW retaliation.. another week I guess.
Back in the WWE TV STUDIOS. Jean Paul Levesque gets set-up for his interview.
COMMERCIAL
Flashback .. again to Trips..
Hunter now talks – knowing Batista is back there.. watching this..
“Touching himself” – Hernandez
Apparently the ring is a stage, and Batista is but a player… it’s nice that he’s stealing from Shakespeare now. Last week he did something that hadn’t been done before. He beat Dave. Which makes an animal submissive…
“Wow you seem very knowledgeable on that Hunter.” – Hernandez
“You know.. Stephanie” – Me
“Right.” – Hernandez
Hunter wants Dave to ask Kevin Nash –
“Who?” – Me
“Oz.” – Hernandez
“Oh.” – Me
Ask Mick Foley about the Hell In A Cell. It’s intense.. it’s big.. it’s metal… it’s LOG! He rambles on while we hear Canadians chant “hey hey goodbye”. This feigned intensity makes me yawn. As the Rabble sits and discusses Star Wars commercials.
COMMERCIAL
(Hey a commercial with Goldberg! He’s got a show on the History Channel. What’s funny is, he can’t read.)
“There is irony that Goldberg is on the Nazi network.” – Me
“History.. like his career!” – Jenna
ECW: One Night Stand is brought to us by DESTROY ALL HUMANS
“Greatest promotion ever!” – Hernandez
Coming into the ring is Chris Masters
“The Disaster Lock!” – Bill
We discuss candidly how Masters seems like a Mike Tyson Punch Out badguy. There is also a sign that has vaseline on it. Those jokes are just too easy.
So now the Masterlock challenge for $10,000….
Sign of the night: “The guy next to me can break out of the Masterlock”
He isn’t going to call out from the audience. He’s calling out to the lockerroom.
“Taz?” – Eric
“Yes!” – Hernandez
No.. it’s going to be Val Venis. NICE! Val throws out the towel and a fat kid in a Trips shirt gets it. Nice.
Masters is a fan of Val, so it’s going to be a privlege to make him tap out to the Masterlock. Val grabs the mic though – to give Masters ..very…stiff…competition. God we miss Val.
Masters cheapshots Val instead though, and kicks him in the head, knees him down and THEN throws onto the Masterlock. Val is fighting it.. fighting it!
“HE’S HARDENING UP!” – Hernandez
Val fights it, gets to the corner, hurls back, no luck.. and after a good fight – Val falls. I have to say, that we all were sitting and rooting for Val.. like in our seats doing so, so maybe this angle is working. We Hate Masters!
COMMERCIAL
Coming down to the ring now – in a shirt that was awesome in 1974.. he is Christian. I am totally a Peep-head. The crowd LOVES him too!
He starts to discuss the draft, and gets interrupted by a ‘CHRISTIAN’ chant!
He was looking over the Smackdown roster and sees that they are missing something.
They have Americans. (Boo from the Candians)
They have Japanese. (Boo from the Canadians)
They have a Deadman. (Mixed from the Canadians)
They have a rapping redneck (Boos)
They do NOT have a Canadian (Raucous cheering..)
He wants to go and be the official Canadian of Smackdown. I still am pissed that now I’ll have to watch Smackdown. Especially when I have Brad Jannette to review it for me.
COMMERCIAL
With 6 minutes left here comes Hassan…
“I predict Trips attacks him at the top of the ramp” – Me
Apparently the Canadians love Dave – and why shouldn’t they really!
Bell rings and Hassan tries to charge Dave and fails. He brings Hassan into the corner and knees him a lot. Throws Hassan into the ropes, and shoulderblocks him down. Hassan bails and Dave follows to attack Akbar and then gets in to get blindsided by Hassan.
“He’s got them Krispy Kreme Eyes” – Bill
Hassan chokes him against the ropes. Tight reverse neckbreaker, and slowly and messily locks in the cobra clutch. Dave stands, and FLIPS Hassan over him, follows up with the Dave-Clothesline.
He throws Hassan into the ropes, Hassan reverses with the boot, but then eats a spinebuster. Akbar climbs to the top (IT’S A SECOND TRAP!) and throws him. Akbar is gushing out of his head.
“Wow – they do bleed like us!” – Hernandez
Dave goes and starts to go nuts – kneeing Hassan and choking him out into the corner. He throws him out of the ring and hihts him square with a chair. Dave tosses some refs. Dave bombs the hell out of Akbar. He bombs the hell out of Hassan. If you haven’t figured it out – THE ANIMAL IS VICIOUS!!!!!!!111!!!ONE!!!
The crowd seems to love it. I do.
WINNER BY DQ: HASSAN
Opinions on tonight’s show:
“Pretty Pyro..” – Jenna
“It was fun.” – Hernandez
“Not horrible.” – Eric
“..this show is stupid..” – Dani
“I’m glad they are doing the draft.. maybe Edge will go away, because I hate him.” – Laura
“An ok show, because I have to keep in standing with what everyone else said” – Bill
“Good matches, bad interview segments. 50/50.” – Me
So next week, the entire show will be talking – since it’s the draft.. although we might see some nice little crossover matches. Add in an ECW invasion bit and I’m sold already.
Til then, keep sending your Diva Entries!
