WWE Velocity Report: May 28th, 2005

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WWE Velocity Report: May 28th, 2005

– Whoops, yeah. I know it’s Wednesday. But hey, I’ve been busy this whole weekend. Let me just pull a Snitsky say that it’s “Not my fault.”, and move on, ok?

– Josh Matthews and Steve Romero are your usual fun and games.

– And in what is going to be a recurring thing tonight, one of the Diva’s, Joy Giovanni, is doing ring announcing. Some others will be doing ring announcing, too. I swear to f*cking god, they’re awful. If you bash Tony Chimmel, then please watch this Velocity, and realise that Tony Chimmel is the only good ring announcer in the WWE right now.

– The Basham Brothers vs. Nunzio and Funaki
Jesus christ, Joy Giovanni makes Mike McGuirk look good. The Basham’s attack from behind to start the match, and Nunzio and Funaki regroup. Ok, Nunzio and Doug are going to start. Doug slams Nunzio down for 2. Punches, but Nunzio tries to hit a backslide, and fails. Doug misses an elbow, and Nunzio is knocked down. Danny in, and he covers for 2. Uhh, hello, wouldn’t it of had made sense for Doug to cover, well, BEFORE Danny was tagged in? Does it make ANY sense. Come on guys, use your head. Punches, and a back suplex is hit by Danny. He starts stomping, and taunts poor Nunzio. He hits punches, and Nunzio rolls him up for 2. Doug is quickly tagged and starts punching him in the back. He hits a stump puller, and he hits more punches. Doug then nails an exciting headlock. Kicks, and Funaki gets frustrated, so Funaki nails him. Thank god. Danny is tagged in, and tackles Nunzio down. Danny misses an avalanche, and Funaki is tagged in. A flying headscissors and a bulldog by Funaki gets 2. Bulldog by Nunzio, and he misses a pescado. Baldobomb on Nunzio gets the pin. Too much of squash to be interesting. Here’s another problem, whenever Nunzio and Funaki tag, it’s the exact same f*cking thing over and over again. Nunzio gets really worked on, and Funaki gets tagged in. Funaki nails a flying headscissors and a bulldog, IN THAT ORDER, and then falls to a finisher for the pin. It’s getting annoying and ridiculous. *. Another thing that’s getting ridiculous, is how Funaki and Nunzio win one week, and job the next. It’s like a pattern. I don’t like it.

– Commercial Break.

– Let’s go back to the battle royale from Smackdown. I missed Smackdown, because the Yankees pre-empted, because lord knows the Yankees should be on two networks AT THE SAME TIME. Come f*cking on, the YES network (Which shows the Yankee games.) is now available on basic cable. This is ridiculous. What the hell is wrong with UPN? It’s not even like the Yankees are that good anymore. The royale seemed interesting, though. Kurt vs. Sharmell, on Smackdown! Atleast the angle wasn’t dropped, like the Hassan/Daivari angle from weeks ago.

– Commercial break. Those Star Wars Burger King ads are getting really f*cking annoying. Except when the King meets Darth Vader, or when Darth Vader finds out the kid won a million dollars “I am your…Uncle.”

– WWE Rewind: Booker attacks Kurt from Judgement Day.

– Now, Michelle McCool is ring announcing. Shoot me now.

– Booker T (w. Sharmell) vs. Quinsen Valentino
It’s becoming Superstars by the second. Lockup. Booker with armlocks and punches. Scissors kick, and karate kick by Booker. Chops, and punches. Valentino hits him and rams Booker’s head to the buckle. He punches, but Booker clotheslines him and hits a spinebuster. SPIN-A-ROONIE and a scissors kick gets the win. Pretty short…but a fun squash. *1/2. Booker makes squash matches pretty entertaining, actually. Barely under two minutes, though.

– Commercial Break.

– Yup…they’re showing the ECW segment from RAW. I love how Vince still does his stupid walk. Atleast we got to see Paul Heyman again.

– Commercial break. Donkey Konga= Good. Good Charlotte playing Donkey Konga= BAD.

– WWE Slam of the Week. Morgan F5’s Big Show onto a table.

– Billy Kidman vs. Shannon Moore
Miss Jackie ring announces, and just plain sucks. Lockup, and it’s broken for some odd reason. Kidman starts kicking and punching Shannon. Shannon battles back, and hits a high crossbody for 2. Dropkick and stomps by Kidman, who is pissed now. Chokehold, and Kidman covers for 2. Snapmare and a headlock by Kidman. Shannon starts punching, and sends Kidman to the turnbuckle. Slugfest, which Shannon wins, ensues. Shannon hits numerous clotheslines, and a back body drop. Finally, this is really picking up. Spinning heel kick (VIVA LA SAVIO!), and Shannon hits Kidman with a 360 clothesline, which sends Kidman out. Moore with a plancha, and he drags Kidman back in. Corkscrew misses by Shannon, and Kidman takes advantage with a spinebuster. He then calmly goes to the top rope, and hits a Shooting Star Press for the 3. Great match, but way too short. I shudder to think at how good this would’ve been with an extra 2-3 minutes. Fuck you, stupid untalented Basham Brothers. ***. I’m sure it’d get much, much more if it were actually given time. The freakin’ Basham Brothers get 5 minutes to squash Funaki and Nunzio, and these guys can’t get any time to get a great match going? My goodness.

– Commercial Break.

– U.S. Title Match: Orlando Jordan (Champion) vs. Mark Jindrak.
Torrie Wilson does ring announcing, and is awful. God wants me to suffer. This ring announcing is ALL they can do for the Diva’s? Just get rid of them, already (Except for Melina. She can do that split thing for me to enjoy, ANYTIME.). Lockup, and elbows by Orlando Jordan. He bodyslams him and puts the boots to Jindrak. Yes, you read it right. Jordan is dominating freakin’ Jindrak. Jindrak starts fighting back, and hits some punches. Jindrak with a hiptoss, and a dropkick. An atomic drop, followed by a roll-up, gets 2. Headlock, and a shoulderblock gets 1. Jindrak tries to leave, after that pain inducing headlock he just recieved, and Jordan attacka from behind. Jordan stomps and punches again. He sends Jindrak to the buckle for 2. Punches, and Jindrak with a roll-up for 2. The tide is turned, and Jordan with a swinging neckbreaker, followed by stomps, for 2. Kicks, and another headlock by Jordan. Jindrak is sent to the buckle, but he no-sells and nails Jordan. Yay! Jordan is sent to the buckle, and Jindrak starts punching. Jordan is sent to the other turnbuckle, and the 10 count punch is next! Clotheslines and a backbody drop by Jindrak. Dropkick gets 2. Rake in the eyes, and a face planter out of nowhere gets the 3. Picked up after the headlocks, but someone, please let Jordan drop the title. *3/4. The problem with Jordan, is that he needs to work on his skills, and really can’t, with him being the U.S. Champ and all.

– Josh and Steve say goodnight.

– Quite a mediocore epsiode. All of the crap (The Bashams, Jordan) got time while the good stuff (Shannon vs. Kidman) got such short time. Thumbs down this week. Josh signing off. You know the address.