This week’s Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say is brought to you by:
Brooklyn Industries The BEST in urban apparel!
And…
Tom D’Errico’s Auditory Assault.
Wow. When I first sat down to write something that could sum up my Caribbean Cruise vacation, I drew a blank. I literally have NO idea how to describe what a kickass time I had.
I got up late the day of my flight to Fort Lauderdale, and was scrambling about my apartment in an effort to get ready for the family vacation I have been wanting for close to ten years.
I couldn’t catch a taxi anywhere. It’s NEW YORK, yet it took 5 minutes to get a cab? I would have thought that was impossible.
My flight was great, and I got to sit next to two ridiculously hot women who turned out to be go-go dancers flying to a show in Miami. Good start to the trip.
Now, bear in mind, I am from Upstate New York, an area that has many lakes and rivers, but the biggest boat I have ever been on was slightly larger than your average size house. It was a “whale watch” in Boston. In May. In Middle School.
No, this chick wasn’t there. I just wanted an excuse to use this pic I found a few weeks ago.
Anyway, that’s a looooooooong time to forget just how vicious the sea can be to someone who is prone to motion sickness, so much so that I stayed away from roller coasters my entire life, ironically, until the last family vacation to Disney World.
First night: fun. I went to bed that night with no clue what it was like to fall asleep in a moving ship.
Around 7 a.m. the next morning, Sunday Night’s pizza was eager to come up again, and it did. Spent the day in Nassau, and was intrigued by the ocean. It’s so f*cking teal, it’s amazing.
Then I made the BIGGEST, STUPIDEST decision of my life, one I will forever refer to as: Dead Jellyfish.
I want to go on record now and say that I had absolutely no reservations on this trip. I was going to have a great time with my family and cut loose. I was going to live it up. I really was determined to enjoy every second, as I knew that it would all fly by so fast. It did. Back to the story.
I was in the ocean with my mother, and we were joking and laughing about body surfing and how easy it was to float in salt water. My sister joined in and we were, all three of us, floating the afternoon away, making fun of the snobs next to us, and just enjoying the lack of concern for our lives back home.
Then I picked up what I jokingly referred to as “sea goober.” Yes, I am a dumbass.
This gelatinous mass was a tangle of seaweed with an unknown translucent glob affixed to it. I thought nothing of picking it up, and throwing it at my sister. We laughed, and when it splashed in front of her, we laughed it off to the fact that I am probably a seven year old at heart, as anything foreign to me is exciting and fun.
No wonder I love wrestling so much…I never grew up.
The “fun” really begins once we get back on board the ship.
Jason, my sister’s boyfriend, and I decided to go play basketball on the upper deck of the vessel. Now, for those of you who have never tried to shoot hoops aboard a ship, let me give you an idea of what that is like:
1. Turn on your ceiling fan, air conditioner, or whatever it is that you use to cool the room your are currently in.
2. Grab the nearest notebook, tear out a sheet of paper, and ball it up.
3. Throw said projectile into the apparatus, and when it is caught in the wind of the device, try and catch it.
Feel stupid yet? I thought so.
Anyway, after an hour or so of this, I began to get terrible, terrible itching pains on my hips. Unbearable itches, the likes of which I hadn’t experienced since I missed the annual “Teddy Bear Picnic” in second grade because of the chicken pox.
On the way back to our rooms, I told Jason, but we both figured it was just from the heat, and decided to go swimming. Just a quick rinse in the shower and we were going to go to the pool.
When I turned around to look in the mirror, my body looked something liked this:
Now, the scream that came out of my mouth probably rivaled Hayden Christensen’s moan in Revenge of the Sith when told of Padme’s death. Seriously, I had to sound like the biggest pussy ever.
Jason walked into the bathroom and screamed as well as the human body is not meant to be that disfigured unless you are doused with large quantities of radiation.
We woke my mother and sister up, and all of us, with me clad in a white, terrycloth robe, headed down to the infirmary. I was hooked up to a heart monitor while Kristin, Mom, and Jay waited outside the room, as, at this point, no one had any idea exactly what I could have eaten that I would have had such an adverse reaction to.
At one point, my blood pressure dropped to 88/36, scaring the shit out of me. My travel partners were still in the reception area, and as they entered the room and were faced with my vitals, I thought my sister was going to throw up. She actually had to sit down in the chair beside me with her back to the monitors. I can’t blame her, hell I turned away too.
I was having some difficulty breathing, my throat was tightening, but the doctors knew what to do. Less than a minute later, I had a needle in my right arm, and got another shot in the ass cheek.
Within an hour, everything was slowly returning to normal, and was told that I was to avoid sunlight (due to the round of steroids that I was placed on), to avoid the ocean (obviously), and nothing but cold showers the rest of the trip (which was easy, as my girlfriend wasn’t with us, and women on cruises are easier than college girls on Spring Break.)
So, I almost died. Not that big a deal, really, but the funny part was that once we returned to the room, my sister looked at the counter by my mother’s bag and sarcastically asked:
“Were you really going to stick him with your Epi-Pen?”
Evidently my mother thought she was going to get to be a hero. My mother, who several weeks back thought she had developed a deadly tongue fungus while watching Closer.
Here’s the culprit, in case you missed it:
I think I would have taken my chances with “The Man Upstairs” before I would let Dr. Sharon have her way with me. No thanks.
All in all, it was an accident free trip, save for my horrible sunburn on the last day at sea, Jason’s “traveler’s sickness” (FIRE IN THE HOLE!), and my losing all of my money in the casino.
I may be lucky to be back, so I am happy to be here this week. It’s too bad I have the Scripps National Spelling Bee distracting me, or I would have finished already.
By the way, if you have copious amounts of alcohol around, this makes for an awesome drinking game. Make up your own rules, or use mine:
Take a drink every time a kid asks for the definition.
Take a drink every time a kid asks for the language of origin.
Take a drink every time a contestant is eliminated.
Take 2 drinks every time a kid with a moustache approaches the microphone.
And, chug a glass every time a kid gets a word correct that you have never seen before.
You should end up pretty tipsy by the end of it all, especially if you can’t spell yourself. Fun times.
SITASS NEWS: Nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
Remember kids: Ssquared doesn’t report because he has to; he just has no idea what happened in the last week, and needs to catch up.
Kelly’s Breakaway
There seems to be general agreement that Kelly Clarkson is on her own now. The aura of “American Idol” has dimmed, with the show moving on to pick other idols.
But Breakaway, her second album, is proving that Clarkson is determined to carve out a post-Idol career for herself.
Clarkson in now going on a tour to support Breakaway, starting at in late June. Beginning on the 29th of the month in Del Mar, Calif., Clarkson will head East for shows in Utah and Colorado. Clarkson will do three dates in her home state of Texas, before a five-date stretch in Florida.
She’ll then head North along the East coast, hitting New York on August 1st with a show at the Glen Falls Civic Center. Several more concerts in New England will precede a couple of dates in Ontario on August 10th and 11th.
Heading south back to the States, Clarkson plays several more gigs in the Midwest and Great Lakes regions, then heads west for shows in the plains states. The tour will wrap up with some more shows in California and Nevada, with the final show at the Aladdin Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas on September 10.
This is Clarkson’s second tour for 2005. Earlier this year, she performed in theatres, selling out just about every stop. Last year, Clarkson shared the bill with “American Idol” alumnus Clay Aiken on a successful arena tour.
(credit:Pollstar.com)
Wow, Kelly Clarkson. Good for her. I voted for her the first “American Idol” and I am really happy with the success she is having.
And, seeing that she is going to be playing the Glens Falls Civic Center, it appears as though IP’s own Daniels will be able to see her. That should make his day.
Good for the Glens Falls Civic Center. Since the debut of the Knickerbocker Arena, now Pepsi Arena, in Albany, the interest in the building in the North has waned, but they have continually tried to lure in larger acts that might have a harder time selling out the 14,000+ seat Pepsi.
Glens Falls was the home of the Adirondack Red Wings, an AHL affiliate of the Detroit Red Wings. Adam Oates and many other future stars got their start there, and my father and I rarely missed a game. With the loss of Wings, the building drifted about without a tenant, save for the Section II High School Wrestling and Basketball Games.
Alright, no more editorializing…
Spoon Headlines Brooklyn’s Siren Fest – July 16
Spoon, the Dears, Brendan Benson, and more will draw out pasty indie rock fans from their cool summer hovels and over to historic Coney Island, Brooklyn for the Village Voice’s fifth annual Siren Festival on July 16. VHS or Beta, Mates of State, Q and Not U, and Dungen are also among the first acts announced today by the Voice; lineup additions will be announced soon.
While festival organizers might have a tough time matching last year’s standout bill that featured Death Cab for Cutie, Mission of Burma, TV on the Radio, Blonde Redhead, And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead, among others, there’s no doubting the campy allure of seeing rock bands do their thing without being totally freaked out by shrieks and screeches emanating from the legendary Cyclone roller coaster, which runs alongside the main stage.
The event is free and goes down rain or shine. For more info, visit the Siren homepage.
(credit: Spin.com)
I’ll be there. I missed last year’s festival, and now that I live here, there is no excuse. Besides, I love the Coney Island Cyclone. It’s a national treasure.
Strokes to Release Album in January
For those of you waiting with bated breath for the next Strokes album to hit, you can exhale: According to Billboard.com, the third studio album from the New York City boys will arrive in January. Manager Ryan Gentles told Billboard that the new album will be a lot “trickier,” and that lead singer Julian Casablancas has learned how to “accept his voice.”
Now he just has to work on accepting the fact that one of the producers of the new album, David Kahane, used to work with Sugar Ray. We promise it won’t ruin your hipster cred, Julian. The band also plans to tour in the weeks leading up to the album’s release date.
(credit: Spin.com)
Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE the Strokes. One of my all-time favorites, so I will be very happy in January when this disc drops.
Let’s get one more piece in for Spin.com, eh? Must have been a good week for them.
Reliving Live Aid
In the hopes of raising awareness about global hunger, Bob Geldof, who organized 1985’s blockbuster Live Aid concerts, is launching a new concert series, Live 8, on July 2nd.
There are already concerts scheduled in Philadelphia, London, Berlin, and Rome, with ongoing negotiations for a Paris venue. Not surprisingly, rock’s elder statesman Bono is scheduled to play in London, along with Madonna, Paul McCartney, and R.E.M.
P. Diddy, Dave Matthews, and Stevie Wonder are scheduled for the Philly show, while Lauryn Hill and Brian Wilson will rock Berlin.
Live 8 is scheduled right before the leaders of the G8 convene in Great Britain. According to the Associated Press, Geldof says that, “[the G8 meeting is a] unique opportunity for Britain to do something unparalleled in the world … to tilt the world a little bit on its axis in favor of the poor.”
(credit:Spin.com)
In “The Most Ridiculous Thing I Have Heard This Week” News
Stolen directly from the Inside Pulse Super Secret Staff Hush-Hush Boards:
From Atlanta’s News 11:
A Carroll County mother is accusing one of the teachers at her son’s elementary school of having inappropriate physical contact with her son, having him lick the teacher’s toes in exchange for candy.
The mother says she discovered what happened on Friday, when she saw a note, bearing the teacher’s name in the signature, written in her 10-year-old son’s school yearbook.
“I saw a note from a teacher, saying, ‘Good luck next year. Don’t lick anyone else’s toes. You’re silly. Love, Mrs. Kilpatrick,'” said Denise Strozier, the student’s mother. “So, I’m, like, okay. What is this about licking somebody’s toes?”
She says her son, a student at Temple Elementary School, then described inappropriate physical contact this past February with teacher Jody Kilpatrick in front of a dozen other children.
“He said that [the teacher] says, ‘Well, everybody else has candy. And if you lick my toes, you can have some candy,’ And I said, ‘Are you sure that’s what you [heard?]'” Strozier said. “He said, ‘Yes, ma’am, all my friends were there and I licked her toes, and I got candy.'”
Strozier says one of her son’s friends also wrote in his yearbook a note similar to what she says the teacher wrote.
Strozier called the principal to complain, and she said the initial response from the school was simply to offer Strozier and her son a replacement yearbook, but only if she returned the one with the teacher’s writing in it.
Strozier said the teacher apologized to her over the phone, but the mother wants the teacher fired.
“If she’ll let my son lick her toes, who’s to say she won’t do something worse? So, if she doesn’t have better judgment, she doesn’t need to be there,” she said.
A spokesman for the superintendent and the school board said they had only recently become aware of the incident and were investigating.
Late Tuesday afternoon, the Carroll County sheriff’s office confirmed that it has just launched an investigation of the mother’s complaint as well.
What the f*ck was this woman thinking? Hell, my teacher gave me all the candy I wanted as a child, but imagine how much cooler life would have been if I was allowed to suck on her toes?
Damn it.
First, teacher’s start banging their students, and now this? I seriously can’t wait until the next sick teacher allows a student to take a dump on her chest or piss on her. By the time I have a few little Ssquared’s running around, the kid’s will practically be expecting the butt sex that their father had to work so hard for as a college co-ed.
Anyhow, this chick should be fired immediately, be given a new yearbook, and the mother should be booked in a Mixed Martial Arts fight against the child’s transgressor. I would pay to see that, only because I have a feeling that the match would end up in a passionate lesbian embrace.
Think of the buy rates!
Who Do You Love?
In honor of my vacation, I bought several staff members presents:
I bought Fernandez a bone carved Rastafarian mask for $60 in Nassau. The man who sold it to me actually is from Chicago, and carves the masks by hand, taking extra time to get every last detail into the joint hanging from his mouth. Jeff will love it!
Aaron Cameron got a bootleg copy of the season finale of Lost and a Panama Jack hat. It’s woven and awesome, and only slightly used. Seeing he still owes me money for a pizza I delivered to him many weeks ago, I didn’t buy him anything that I wasn’t planning on using first.
My new best friend, Kyle David Paul gets a “tobacco” pipe shaped like a dolphin. I even bought him some “tobacco” with which to test of the aromatic essence of the teakwood. I think he’ll love it.
Mike Chadwick can expect his copy of Carnival Cruise Lines Presents: Caribbean Groove Tunes sometime in the next month. Honestly, mail takes forever to get to the U.K., so it may be a while. I just can’t afford to Express Mail it to him. I hope he likes Steel Drums.
I also bought presents for the various members of Los Cinco Enfuegos:
Dan Hevia gets a fat sack of hand rolled Cubans. Technically, they are hand rolled Bahamian cigars, but Dan will appreciate them anyhow. He’s not a stickler like that.
Mike Eagle got the Cubans as well, but also a handful of dead jellyfish and $200 in Casino Chips that somehow made it back to the States with me. “Open Mike” has finally got some music samples up on his Myspace profile, so check them out. I love ’em!
McCullar gets some motion sickness pills and a travel pillow embroidered with the phrase: “Cutting Loose in St. Maarten.” He can use it on his next flight…it’s comfy. He writes so much here on the ‘Pulse, that I think he is next in line for a vacation. Maybe he will come visit good ol’ Ssquared here in Astoria!
Kern is being sent six nubile women from the isle of St. Thomas. I bought them with Casino chips that I stole from the Cruise Director’s cabin. I just read his newest piece, and he does sound a tad bitter.
Okay, guys, I need to get some crap done around the neighborhood, so I will leave some more stories for next week.
Until then, keep it real!
Ssquared
