The Friday Music News Bootleg

Adventures in Instant Messaging

That_Bootleg_Guy: When’s that Star Wars review coming?
Joe Movies: Umm . . . when I see it?

That_Bootleg_Guy: If you hurry, you can get yours up before IP gets their 10th one done.
That_Bootleg_Guy: If you hurry”¦

Joe Movies: Okay, well . . . oops, too late
Joe Movies: People are now reviewing their second screenings separately.

Welcome back to The Bootleg. My Memorial Day weekend began with something of a milestone, as Baby Bootleg got his first haircut. I don’t want to say that his locks had gotten out of control, but I’m told that Jalen spits in the face of people (pause) who don’t want to be cool.

Mrs. Bootleg actually took a few “before” (bee-fro?) shots that better illustrate my imagery.

The wife was invited to mostly man the camera, as 15 months of Baby Bootleg ‘do got undone. Jalen took it all in stride and, surprisingly, didn’t wail once. That’s no small feat considering my barber moonlights as”¦a competitive bodybuilder. I am not making this up. Call him “the Black Chris Masters, the Clip Master”. OK, don’t call him that, since he’ll probably kill you.

Jalen’s hair that was there took mere minutes to cut and the “after” shots reminded me of that fateful day in 1994 when I left Patrick Ewing as the only brutha still rockin’ the flat-top haircut. Kid Cameron’s hair had gone from 1978’s carefree first-season of Gary Coleman on Diff’rent Strokes to 1985’s Sam McKinney-infested last season of Gary Colemanon Diff’rent Strokes.

We celebrated with a trip to”¦the park. No, not the ballpark ($35) and not Park Place ($350)”¦this was a trip to the plain ol’ park. Since there’s not a whole lot for a child who can’t walk, it’s on the parents to keep the kid entertained, while not going insane.

So, why do they always make those “father-and-son” shared slides down the”¦uh, slide seem so safe? My experience was the equivalent of the downhill saucer sled scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I was 180 pounds of out of control trash can lid, while Jalen was Chevy Chase. Both of us breezed to the bottom at breakneck speed, before I actually caught air at the end and achieved a couple of inches of elevation. Try to imagine all of this as an old black and white silent movie with the sliding incident sped up about 10 times.

On Sunday, we went down to “Seaport Village”, which is San Diegan for “a bunch of overpriced shops on the beach”. Mrs. Bootleg had one of those self-serving signs made to hang outside our house identifying the family within. I refused, unless she agreed to change it from “The Camerons” to “The Cam Fam”. Shockingly…she agreed. She’s f’n awesome when she wants to be.

Highlight of the Day: An older white lady comes up to Jalen and says, “I’ve never seen hair so curly!” Ugh”¦and this is why Mathan hates you people.

Finally, on Monday”¦I had to exchange a couple of tickets down at Petco Park before the BYOBB (that’s a typo) festivities began. Now, the ‘hood around the ballpark is, um, “depressed””¦homeless, panhandlers, pee-pee smell. I got hit up for change all the way to the ticket window and all the way back, with one brutha catching me coming and going:

Him: “Come on, brutha. Help out your people!”
Me: “Sorry. I got nuthin’…”
Him: (yelling) “Uppity azz n*gga! I bet you married a white woman, too!”

Amazing. I mean, how freakin’ ignorant. No, not the used-up usage of a Civil War word like “uppity””¦I’m talkin’ about the “white woman” comment. I told him I had no money. Isn’t it obvious that I married a Black woman? Ask Booker T. in three years.

It’s The Goodness”¦sucka!

For the Six of Us Who Saw Bamboozled

Seattle, Washington is one of my favorite American cities. Less than a year out of college, I went there on a business trip and enjoyed the famous Fish Market, the diverse and eclectic citizenry”¦and a brazen beatdown?

Last weekend, Richard Monroe attended the How the West Was One tour stop in the Pacific Northwest. During an attempt to climb up onstage, Monroe was met by an assortment of ass-kickings from a who’s who of Hip Hop’s top names.

Monroe also alleges that his earrings were ripped from his earlobes, liquor was poured over his beaten body and he was robbed. He’s planning to bring assault charges against Snoop Dogg and The Game.

Now, Monroe claims that he was “encouraged” to get on stage and dance, as Snoop was beginning his Gin & Juice set. And, for those of you who’ve never been to a rap concert, here are two rules to remember: neutral colors and n*ggas don’t dance. Don’t believe me? Then, explain how Savion Glover went away faster than the Boogaloo Shrimp n’ Shabba-Doo twosome from Breakin’ 2?

I’ve got two theories: one, the bullets used to kill Savion’s “Mantan” character at the end of Bamboozled were real. And, two”¦why couldn’t they have saved one for Damon Wayans?

I Can Think of Two Things Wrong with That Title

Did ya hear that Atlanta’s own Hip Hop Hedgehog is dropping a new album this summer? Jermaine Dupri’s Young, Fly & Flashy Volume 1 is set to hit stores on July 19. We’ll ignore, for the moment, that Jermaine’s gonna be 33 this year and no one has used “fly” has an adjective in over a decade. (Are you listening, Lloyd Banks?)

Anyways, the buzz is that Dupri is ready to film the video for the album’s first single, Gotta Getcha. He’s reportedly cast his inexplicable better half, Janet Jackson as a plaid-skirted school girl-cum-stripper (oh, grow up) in what’s being described as a “peep show” motif.

‘K”¦couple of things”¦didn’t Madonna do the MTV video peep show thing, like, 15 years ago for Open Your Heart? And, more importantly, will this gig require Miss Janet to”¦y’know, act? Well, it has been 10 years since Showgirls, so I guess there is some kind of “miscast role meets stripper pole” synergy going on.

Besides, it’s not like Lisa Turtle or Kelly Kapowski will be bringing their résumés to the next Bayside reunion. Did you know they both shared scenes with Bill Bellamy’s laminated lips n’ wet curl collabo?

Play that card when the time’s right, Jessie.

The Last Member of The Nation of Domination

Public Enemy frontman, Chuck D. is returning to talk radio”¦on the same station that cancelled him this past winter. On The Real (sigh) debuted last week amid promises that this effort will contain “more music, humor and debate”. Chuck D, 68, hopes to reach out to the kids with his unique brand of liberalism and liver spots.

Damn it, Chuck”¦just stop, already. You were once the voice of The New Black Renaissance in the late ’80s and early ’90s. Now, you might as well be “The Mayor” sweeping up store fronts for a frosty mug of Miller High Life. Sorry, Charlie, but someday most militants will eventually need to meet their mortgage.

We’d all love to work three-hour days, while bashing Bush from the crotch-cutting comfort of a pair of worn-in butt-hugging black Levi 501 button-flys”¦except this ain’t 1990 no more, Chaz. In Living Color’s been cancelled”¦The Raiders have long since left Los Angeles. Hell, Flavor Flav has gone from a pop culture phenomenon to a pop culture punchline.

Your bean pie banter might work in the back of the barbershop as you lament the loss of Living Single from syndication on USA, but the rest of us can’t hear you.

We gotta go to work.

The Wheels on the Bus Go ‘Round and Thunk“¦

I’m told The Backstreet Boys are back. And, for any other formerly disbanded boy bands out there”¦if you want to get into The Bootleg, all you have to do is run over one of your fans.

Dateline”¦Dusseldorf Airport. The Flaming Five had just boarded their tour bus, en route to a performance in Cologne. As several hundred supporters bum-rushed the bus for their brush with great”¦er, Good”¦um, “them”, 19-year-old fan Julia Wagner was run over by Otto.

She suffered a dislocated hip, a fractured leg and torn ligaments”¦but, the band promised to make it right by extending her a VIP pass to their show. Seems fair. A grotesque series of serious injuries meaning months of rehab in exchange for a few hours in the concert hall’s handicapped section.

It does come with double-wide bathroom privileges and full use of the ubiquitous bars that line the stall’s walls. You mean those aren’t for hanging the sports section over after you’ve read it?

Well, color me the fool.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Green Day fans”¦assemble! Now, you can own a priceless pricey piece of music history, as the 1985 Ford Econoline 150″¦formerly owned by drummer Tre Cool”¦is on the auction block. The inside of the van is strewn with graffiti, stickers and an odd herbal scent.

Opening bid is just $50″¦thousand. Basically, anyone who wants this couldn’t afford it and those that could buy it”¦well, let’s not even crack that chestnut. I don’t ever want to know those people. Instead, let’s make fun of the kids who can’t buy it.

They’re the ones who still think twelve to a car and two more to the (single) motel room is a “Road Trip”, instead of a bad clown comedy routine. Anyways, the auction runs until Tuesday, so if you pool your group tips from the tin cup, The Mystery Machine might be yours.

Just remember, it’s best that there are no more than three of you. Here’s some random dialogue to explain why:

How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, Milhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Wait a minute! What about Sundays?

Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Milhouse will have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.

Wait a minute! What about 0?

You know what”¦f*ck it. Just get the Carl Yazstremski with the mutton-chop sideburns. Baseball cards are the wave of the future m’boy”¦

Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi

After 5 months of little to no decent hip-hop being released, we have had two straight weeks of serious heat. Last week, we had Common’s long awaited Be. This week Sean Price’s Monkey Barz hits the streets. Y’all might remember Sean P as one half of Heltah Skeltah, part of the infamous Boot Camp. It’s been seven years since Heltah Skeltah dropped their second album, Magnum Force. Think of what’s happened in that time.

Anyway, the man formerly known as Rock has been around appearing on mixtapes and compilations during that time. After years of name legal problems over names, label drama and overall chaos, the Boot Camp Click have finally got their act together and chose Sean Price’ s first solo album as their first shot in their comeback.

Monkey Barz, without a doubt, is the hottest disc of the year so far. From the opening track Peep My Words, Sean P just hits you with ill lyrics and top notch production that no other MC has matched so far this year. In some ways, it’s like Canibus’ Rip the Jacker album from 2 years ago, when heads said “why the f** couldn’t he just get production like that to begin with!”

In contrast, Price didn’t suffer from lackluster production, moreso an overall hiatus and label problems, but you get the sense that he could have been doing so much in the meantime.

All that aside, this is definitely worth the wait. Now you youngins who enjoy crunk music and sh*tty machine drum beats better skip this one because the production has the feel of sample-driven classic Boot Camp, Wu-Tang, Pete Rock, and Jedi Mind Tricks. (You’re not going to find it in the front sale display at Best Buy, either).

No need to go through them track by track as everything is sick here and relatively short and crisp with no overly long tracks… It should be mentioned though there’s plenty of Bootcamp cameos and his boy Rusty Juxx is pretty nice, too.

Standout tracks:

One Two Y’all
Heartburn (Prod. by 9th Wonder)
Boom Bye Yeah
I Love You (Bitch)
Bye Bye feat Buckshot
Spliff N Wessun (Prod. by Ayatollah)
Monkey Barz

They even throw in the bonus track, Rising to the Top at the end of the disc. Why should you know that? If you’ve ever played Grand Theft Auto you’ve probably heard the song a few hundred times. You’ll recognize it when you hear it and go, “That was him?”

Exactly.

Sean P and the BCC are back, and I can’t wait for Buckshot/9th Wonder Collabo next month.

Highest recommendation. Real hip hop lives.

Muthaf*ckas Who Need They Ass Kicked (MFWNTAK)

Has it been a year, already?

Last Memorial Day, an innocent insult towards sissified sycophant, Farnsworth Bentley, turned into the MFWNTAK. Nick and I rolled out 25 nominees who, well”¦WNTAK, to turn a phrase. It’s easily been the most popular Bootleg feature we’ve done and there’s no better time to induct another 20 or so.

We’ve left the kids alone, this year, but continue to assault women. And, speaking of which”¦

Johnny Damon

Nick: The long awaited story of baseball’s most sought after… OK no one asked for this but they got it anyway. Congratulations on writing a book on the basis that you have long hair. Now that he is a literary giant, I assume he will replace an aging Fabio on the cover of romance novels.

Aaron: Anyone else remember the sh*tty year he put up in Oakland in 2001, before cashing in on a level of celebrity that got him an EW cover with Jimmy Fallon! Earlier this season, he said he’d retire if the Red Sox (or one of five other hand-selected teams) didn’t sign him. We should be so lucky.

Rick James, b*tch!

Nick: Truly one of the most hilarious skits of all time. Which (like anything) was quickly ruined once mainstream America got a hold of it. Look what you did to Dave now! Saw Chappelle live recently (not in South Africa) and had to deal with multiple assclowns yelling that line out throughout his set. To his credit, he tore them apart. When the guy who made the skit is telling you to shut the F*** up, it’s time to let it go.

Aaron: Nick says “mainstream”, but he means “white folk”. It’s OK, because Nick is white, though. And, remember the last Black star y’all stole from us? Yep, Chris Rock has been given the reigns to write, produce and star in The Gilmores of Beverly Hills. Who knew “the big piece of chicken”, “how much fo’ one rib” and “a tossed salad” could stay fresh so long.

The Runaway Bride

Nick: More stupid news to distract you from your own life. Shouldn’t this psycho be dealt in a manner appropriate to her actions. Since she likes Vegas so much why not let her fate be decided by the roulette wheel? No doubt the taxpayers from her hometown would put up public funds for a few spins of the wheel. Is it still too late to access her registry and purchase her china?

Aaron: “Did you see that?””¦”See what?””¦”The Black guys who kidnapped me!” I was waiting for the Susan Smith pronouncement, but it never came. By the end, we had no closure, only a wild-eyed runaway with her head in a sack. Eyes”¦head in a sack”¦anyone else have visions of Harry Hamlin in Clash of the Titans pulling out Medusa’s bug-eyed snake-head? No? Well, then.

Martha Stewart

Nick: She’s even more popular now that she went to prison! The whole thing reminds me of Mike Tyson, minus the charming personality and humanity. Free financial inside tip: sell any shares of Martha Stewart you own.

Aaron: She’s a convicted felon and getting her own prime time show on NBC next year. Won’t somebody please think of the children? And, has Law & Order ripped her story from the headlines, yet? I smell “crossover event” come sweeps month which, for L&O means a half-dozen guest stars from Oz.

Dr. Phil

Nick: I realize this is probably too obvious, but isn’t the entire basis of the show just a toned down and “civil” version of Jerry Springer? What better way to straighten out the problems in your life than to talk to a pseudo-shrink stranger who has no idea who you are for 12 minutes in front of a national audience. If you’re lucky, he won’t be too condescending. “I want you to stop doing drugs.” Thanks Phil, I want you to start doing them.

Aaron: Life advice from Jeffrey Tambor? Whatever. Y’know he’s the one responsible for the words “critically acclaimed” being used in conjunction with Gary Shandling and Jason Bateman. Wait, wrong guy. Dr. Phil is a spin-off from Oprah, for God’s sake. Now, do you see why I’m always bitching about Black women?

Jerry O’Connell

Nick: He continues to get work as well. Even if it is one of the 10 rip-offs of CSI, which itself has gone overkill. The real mystery to solve…how did he score Rebecca Romijn?

Aaron: What’s the shelf life on these pretty boys, anyway? Call it the Dan Cortese test. These shameless “mimbos” steal the hearts of the Teen Scene reading set. Then, they hit 30 and it all ends. Maybe Jerry can soldier on in those Rock n’ Jock Softball games for another decade. Worked for Dan.

George Lucas

Nick: Finally, it’s all over and now he can retire from the madness of Star Wars and get a fresh start on brand new projects…like Indiana Jones 4.

Aaron: Enough. Can we all admit that his Star Wars series was made to move merchandise and nothing else. You know his greatest contribution to pop culture? It was the Darth Vader Collector’s Carrying Case.

Wanda Sykes

Nick: Epitome of “tired schtick”. She must have her resume on Monster.com by now. Objective: to continue to entertain the masses with an attitude that says “oh no you didn’t”. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Aaron: Who does this b*tch know at HBO? I ranted on her a few weeks ago, so I’ll say that the “sassy, Black sidekick” has been extinct since Jackeé killed off the genre on 227.

Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell & Vince Vaughn

Nick: Hey they’re all friends. We get it. No comedy can be released without some sort of combination of at least two of them. I think it’s at the point where it’s some sort of complex mathematical equation. (Stiller) x 1 + (Owen Wilson / .0234 ) x [Vaughn] x 2 + the square root of Ferrell = > Luke Wilson.

Aaron: Look”¦I enjoy them. Not as much as they enjoy themselves, but I like these guys. It’s just the whole traveling in packs thing works for wolves, not for actors. Can they just sign each other’s scripts with “Friends 4ever, have a great summer!” and find separate roles? This is an out-of-control overlapping Venn Diagram.

Flavor Flav

Nick: A triumphant return to the spotlight…of VH1. Did you miss him? Flav got one of his old clocks and wound the hands back 15 minutes. Guess what Flav? It’s up again.

Aaron: Proof that old rappers are instantly irrelevant. Who remembers 1989? The Fight the Power video empowered an entire generation (for a few weeks). Now, who remembers 2004? Flava and Red Sonja sittin’ in a tree”¦

Kirstie Alley

Nick: Are we seeing a pattern here? Has the entertainment industry fallen into a permanent cycle of trying to revive careers of former stars, no matter how low the demand for them is? You think Kirstie could call on some of those space aliens to help her career and exercise regimen. As a matter of fact I will accept no other explanation of her getting a new TV show other than some sort of alien conspiracy. Apparently treadmills are on L Ron Hubbard’s “No” list but doughnuts are on the “Yes” list.

Aaron: Who was a more unlikely Vulcan”¦Kirstie Alley or Kim Cattrall? In Kirstie’s case, she’s teamed up with Jenny Craig to crank out a series of commercials. I’ve never seen Fat Actress, but it’s wrong to perpetuate the myth that chubby chicks get no love in Hollywood. Kathy Bates won an Oscar and”¦um”¦wasn’t Pepa (from Salt n'”¦) on a few episodes of Oz?

Kevin Smith

Nick: Hey everyone, go out and see Episode III, HE APPROVES OF IT! I liked him better when he was silent.

Aaron: This might get me kicked outta the ‘net writing community, but I’ve never seen anything Smith has done. Sorry. I’m a Black guy that grew up in an urban setting”¦not exactly in his target audience. Is it too late to nominate Kevin Smith’s phalanx of fanboys? We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

Harold Reynolds and John Kruk

Nick: The kings of starting off analysis with the cliché “when I played..” Kruk is noticeably more at fault here though, as he does not make an attempt to hide his bitterness towards today’s players. ESPN would be wise to make an attempt to hide him from as much TV time as possible. Whose job is it to stuff him into a suit? Note: Tom Arnold seems noticeably lost without someone more ghastly than him to tool on anymore. Note 2: I don’t need to see retired players in suits showing me the proper way to lay down a bunt or apply a tag. I don’t play professional baseball, I just watch it.

Aaron: For those who don’t know, Kruk is about 300 lbs of man poured into a 200 lb. suit. Reynolds was a light-hitting second baseman, whose claim to fame is being named as one of George H. W. Bush’s “1000 points of light”. They’re loud, obnoxious and unbearable. Picture me and Nick, with the physical descriptions reversed.

Ricky Williams

Nick: Doesn’t this sound like every kid you knew that flunked out after a semester for spending too much time “relaxing”, then ended up taking a class at a community college and showed back up at college the next year to hang out but was not registered for classes? “Yeah dude, I’m just taking some time off.” Sources tell us that Ricky took a class on holistic medicine but he handed in his term paper late and got his C- knocked down to a D+. Right, except this guy did it with a few million bucks at stake. Welcome back.

Aaron: True story”¦I once saw Ricky Williams at the airport in San Diego. This was during his “wear helmet in interviews” phase of public fright. Huge guy. I’m talking “stung by a bee” kind of swollen. So, I sit down next to him and he gets up and moves down the area to the last seat on the row. For one fleeting moment”¦Ricky Williams was scared of me. That’s all you need to know.

The Desperate Housewives

Nick: I assume this show’s title reflects the majority of its viewers. Can we please stop pushing the 50 + crowd on unsuspecting bystanders. Teri Hatcher has really stepped her game up since her previous work in those Radio Shack commercials. She must be relieved to not be getting paid in surge protectors, remote control cars and batteries anymore.

Aaron: There’s a reason why Michael Douglas and Clint Eastwood still get to star alongside women 1/8 their age. There’s also a reason why Rene Russo hasn’t worked in 100 years. The Housewives have given hope to hag-bags everywhere and this must stop. If you’re dating a much younger man, he wants your money or your daughter.

Mark Cuban

Nick: He’s so likable…he has X-Boxes for his players right in the locker room! Personally I think network execs should have showed some of that famous Cuban business savvy and cancelled “the Benefactor” even sooner than it did, like say right when they went to the first commercial break.

Aaron: I’m surprised that Nick didn’t work in his “Shemp 2005” line. I can’t hate on him too much, since he’s doing the exact same thing that any “everyman” would do if he owned a sports franchise. But, the whole “celebrity” thing”¦yeah, not so much. I’m tellin’ ya”¦Johnny Damon has more credibility as a star. And, that’s what we call coming full circle.

General Haberdashery”¦The “I Didn’t Read Their Columns This Week” Edition

Ahh”¦but, I won’t be letting a little thing like that get in the way of providing you the who’s who of who you should be reading this week. I’ve shared a site with these fine men and woman for nearly a year, now, so I think I can guess how each column will read:

Por ejemplo”¦Fernandez might reference his on-again/off-again drinking problem, while bashing Fred Durst, P. Diddy, Ja Rule and 50 Cent (maybe). He’ll show you his iPod and be ridiculous by the end. Not sold yet? Well, his “written columns-to-nudity links” ratio is the highest in 411/IP history, so you might get lucky.

Gloomchen might say, “I was at a time in my life when Dave Mustaine spoke to me more than my own friends. But, hey that’s what we chicks do…whew, sorry”¦ got a little caught up there…anyway I had a few drinks and was bored so I just cued up War Pigs from Sabbath and bummed my last beer from “Joe” the bartender (hey, being a famous writer has its perks) I pimped his $2 wing night in my column!!!” (NCS)

Shawn S. already spoiled this week’s column in the staff forums when he detailed his near-death experience. Seriously”¦read his stuff this week, kids. It’s actually a first-person account that takes you pretty damn close to death’s door. Then, Shawn rang the doorbell and ran away. Oh, that Shawn”¦

J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.

J is for Movie Joe Reid. He fills the void created by the death of Mathan Erhardt to bring you his 2004-05 TV awards. But, first”¦let’s all go to the lobby! Harry Potter starring Dudley Moore? The DaVinci Code starring the cast of Powder? Black Snake Moan starring Samuel L. Jackson (natch) and Christina Ricci? Well, if Mathan wasn’t dead already”¦

A is for me.

M is Now Hiring. We received our first résumé for the “M” in J.A.M.. The Movie Zone’s own Michaelangelo McCullar wants in. Let’s check out his writing sample:

Team America: World Police DVD Rating”¦9.5/10

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Rating”¦9/5/10

(from the IP Staff Forums) “So I finally heard (John Cena’s) “Bad Bad Man” today. It wasn’t bad.”

Yeah”¦umm, we’re going in a different direction. Less crazy Puerto Rican and more kooky Puerto Rican. It’s a fine line.

Next week Inside Pulse joins forces with”¦411Mania? Someone’s getting fired! Meanwhile, get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13