The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #95

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Motrin IB, which helps you get through work when you’ve been lifting furniture the entire day before. It also can act as a really good self-defense mechanism if you whip the bottle really hard at someone’s face. Try it.

I was recently searching Google to find a particular issue of The Saturday Swindle Sheet when I came upon this page. For those of you who don’t feel like looking, it’s called ProstateCancerInfoSite.com, and that particular page is titled “Cancer Dan Fogelberg Prostate.” If you pan down, you’ll see this…

Insidepulse.com » Music » The Saturday Swindle Sheet #57
InsidePulse is the #1 internet source for diehard enthusiasts of Video Games, Music, Comics, Figures, Wrestling, TV, Movies and Sports!
www.insidepulse.com

That was the issue where I mentioned Dan Fogelberg’s prostate cancer, but I have no idea how this link got onto this page. There is a part at the bottom of the page where you can add a link, but I wasn’t the one who did this. My first guess would be Fingers… or Lil Jon.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (CHEESE EDITION)

I knocked out about 75% of this on Thursday, but then failed to finish it up until Sunday night. I went out drinking until 5am on Friday, and I had to work until 2am on Saturday. Seeing as I usually do plugs last, here’s the lazy slop cheese version…

American
Cheddar
Mozzarella
Swiss
Colby
Brie
Parmesan
Monterey Jack
Provolone

NEWS TO USE

Bob Geldof announced the official plans for his 2005 incarnation of 1985’s Live Aid African benefit, which, as previously reported, will coincide with the G8 summit, and be called Live 8. Geldof told reporters in London on Tuesday that there would be five concerts on July 2, in London, Philadelphia, Berlin, Paris, and Rome, featuring artists including U2, Sting, Bon Jovi, Paul McCartney, Coldplay, Stevie Wonder, Madonna, Crosby Stills & Nash, Brian Wilson, Mariah Carey, Jay-Z, and 50 Cent. “We don’t want people’s money. We want them,” Geldof said. “Twenty years on, it strikes me as being morally repulsive and intellectually absurd that people die of want in a world of surplus. … This is to finally, as much as we can, put a stop to that.” After trying to shy away from the Live Aid brand, Geldof said that many of the artists involved coerced him into going with the familiar theme. “It seemed to me that we could gather again, but this time not for charity but for political justice.” He explained that the main objective of the concerts is to create a buzz around the summit and place “political heat” on the politicians involved to do things like forgive the debt of poor African nations, as well as give them more financial aid and better fair trade conditions. This agreement, however, will require Africa, in exchange, to take Fred Durst and Avril Lavigne, and also make Nigeria knock off their damn 419 scam.

50 Cent has filed a lawsuit against Czar Entertainment Inc. (along with subsidiaries Vision Plant Pictures and Premo Pictures), after he says that they had used footage from a free interview that he had given without holding up their end of the agreement. 50 Cent’s lawsuit states when he gave an interview on the late Kelvin Martin, a criminal in the 1980s who used the moniker 50 Cent, Czar Entertainment agreed to donate money to either Martin’s family or to the rapper’s G-Unity Foundation, which they did not do. Instead, according to the lawsuit, the company used the footage for DVD documentary, called The Original 50 Cent: The True Story of the Legend Who Inspired the Biggest Name in Rap. While 50 Cent is looking to curtail the distribution of the DVD, Czar Entertainment told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, “We have made arrangements directly with family regarding the donation of proceeds from the DVD sales and feel confident that all relevant parties will be satisfied. Except for 50 Cent, who is bitch-ass punk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to [undisclosed location].”

A 24-year-old local man was allegedly beaten and mugged by Snoop Dogg’s entourage during a concert on Saturday night near Seattle. Richard Monroe told reporters that he was invited onstage during a performance of “Gin and Juice” (which also featured The Game and Oowee), and after putting his hand on Snoop’s shoulder, he was rushed by the rappers’ bodyguards and other unidentified people. After being taken to the ground, Monroe said that “[t]hey just beat me, stomping me, and beat me with a microphone. … They took my diamond earrings off my ear, my jewelry off my fingers, [and] they took my wallet and my cell phone.” Police in the Seattle suburb of Auburn are investigating the incident, and are specifically observing a home video, which captured the entire melee as it went down. A spokesperson for Snoop Dogg sent out a statement on Tuesday, saying that “any person who jumps onstage at a concert has to be interpreted as a security threat and an immediate risk to both the performers onstage as well as the fans in the audience. Once a breach of security has been made, authorities are forced to take the proper measures to ensure safety. This includes taking all of the offender’s valuables, because we can’t have those falling into the wrong hands.”

Following up on this story, from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #93

Trent Reznor testified against former manager John Malm, in proceedings for his civil suit on Tuesday in New York. The Nine Inch Nails frontman told the jury that over the last 15 years his finances had been handled with a high degree of negligence, and that the lawsuit felt “like a divorce.” Reznor admitted that there had been times when he hadn’t read over certain financial documents before signing them, and that Malm had taken advantage of that when he got the singer to sign a paper entitling him to 20 percent of the his gross earnings, as well as 40 percent of his self-loathing.

The jury ruled against John Malm last Friday, finding that he had breached his contract with Reznor and acted fraudulently, leaving the singer with only $400,000 out of millions of dollars of earnings. Reznor, who not on-hand for the verdict, was awarded $2.95 million. “He was almost silent at first. It’s still sinking in,” his lawyer, Zia Modabber, told reporters. “It’s been a difficult thing for him in a lot of ways. They were very, very close friends.”


Trent Reznor breaks character and smiles after testifying against his former manager/accountant, John Malm. Next week, 50 Cent breaks character and makes out with Paul Oakenfold.

After completing a 12-month probation as a result of a 2003 New Year’s Eve brawl at the Ritz-Carlton in Naples, Florida, Alex Lifeson (né Alex Zivojinovich), the lead guitarist for Rush, his son, and daughter-in-law are all seeking damages from the hotel’s security director and three sheriff’s deputies. The suit claims that they “applied illegal and unjustified force, and such force was excessive,” causing Justin Zivojinovich “severe discomfort and pain.” It charges the defendants with pain and suffering, mental anguish, and costs of the Zivojinovichs’ defense in their criminal case. This all stems from an incident at the aforementioned hotel on January 31, 2003, during which time Alex’s son, Justin Zivojinovich, and a few of his friends jumped onto a stage while the house was taking a break, trying to rile up the crowd and just basically acting like drunk idiots on New Year’s Eve. After security and police got them off of the stage, Alex came over and pushed an officer down a flight of stairs and spit in another’s face. He received a broken nose for his troubles.

Quick Bits

The 78,649th lifetime arrest warrant for Bobby Brown has been issued, this time for failing to appear for a child support hearing in Canton, Massachusetts. His attorney claimed that he was in an Atlanta-area hospital after falling ill, however, he was unable to provide any documentation proving that claim.

Jack White of The White Stripes married that chick from the “Blue Orchid” video on June 1. According to White’s publicist, “[they were married] on the confluence of three rivers—the Rio Negro, the Solimones and the Amazon … by a traditional shaman priest on a canoe at the exact point where the three rivers met. They then drank a single plum floating in perfume served in a man’s hat.”

Singer Rod Stewart and his fiancée, Penny Lancaster, announced on Wednesday through Stewart’s label, J Records, that they are expecting a child in December, and will get married next spring.

The upcoming Coldplay album, X&Y, has been leaked to several online file-sharing sites. In an unrelated story, some kid in Dallas stole a pack of gum from a convenience store.

People buying the upcoming Fat Joe album at certain retailers will receive a copy of a Marvel comic book called The Heist, in which Fat Joe, T.I., Fabolous, Trick Daddy, and Lil Kim will team up in a quest to find a stolen diamond. It will end when they realize that the comic book sucks.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

The lovely Aisha Bell has some info about one of my favorite 2002 releases…

All of the pre-street activity created a significant boost on the Astralwerks catalog title:

Gorillaz Spacemonkeyz versus Gorillaz – Laika Come Home (72435 40362 24)

Here’s the soundscan during last 3 weeks
(all BEFORE the new album) :

this week: 607
last week: 450
2 weeks ago: 248

We’ve got a lot of opportunity to build on the
68K+ that have bought this, especially with the NEW fans!

I still listen to this album at least once a week, and it’s great for both fans of Gorillaz’ debut album, as well as fans of downtempo, and proper dub, in the same vein as Lee “Scratch” Perry & the Upsetters and King Tubby.

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Amon Tobin, “Slowly”
Reflection Eternal, “Memories Live”
New Order, “Temptation”
Wolfsheim, “Wundervoll”
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, “Blinded by the Light”
Oasis, “Fuckin’ in the Bushes”
Laptop, “Greatest Hits”
The Shamen, “Hyperreal” (Selector Mx)
The Streets, “Has It Come to This?”
Faith No More, “Last Cup of Sorrow”
Nekromantix, “Who Killed the Cheerleader”
White Zombie, “More Human Than Human”
Tom Tom Club, “Victim of Love”
Pet Shop Boys, “In the Night”
Billy Joel, “Only the Good Die Young”
The Beach Boys, “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”
Van Halen, “Beautiful Girls”
Pixies, “Planet of Sound”
Roni Size/Reprazent, “Lucky Pressure”
Erykah Badu, “Otherside of the Game”
The Prodigy, “Firestarter”
Blondie, “Rapture”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Alice”
The Prodigy, “Medusa’s Path”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

MTV recently interviewed California Department of Corrections spokesperson Margot Bach to see what would happen to Michael Jackson if he’s convicted. He will more than likely be jailed in a Protective Housing Unit, isolated from the rest of the inmates, will need to work, will be allowed into the library once a week, et al. One particular part of the interview, however, that jumped out at me was this…

And what about Jackson’s unusual grooming regimen? He would be assigned a light-blue chambray, denim pants, a denim jacket, white boxer shorts, white T-shirts and gray sweats. Inmates are expressly forbidden to alter their appearance, so no wigs, weaves, hairpieces or hair dye is allowed, barring medical necessity. Facial hair is also forbidden, and Jackson’s hair could be no more than three inches in length.

But somewhat surprisingly, Bach explained, the regulations are not as strict on the issue of makeup, which is not considered contraband.

“Female inmates are allowed to wear a certain amount of makeup,” she said. “And we do have male inmates who are transvestites—not that Mr. Jackson is a transvestite—and they are allowed to wear a certain amount of makeup as well. Men who choose to do it can do it.”

I, of course, find this to be absolutely hilarious…

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I was born with a 6-gun in my hand.

Cheers
-JF2k5!