The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

Archive

Hi everyone. Welcome back for another edition of the Guide, written by your loveable and only slightly overworked movie news guy. The build to the monumental summer season is well underway, and Batman is pinging the radar louder than anyone could have hoped for. June is going to be off the charts with that and War of the Worlds, both fantastic follow ups to the month that was Star Wars. But, more on that in the very near future.

Real Life is Damn Entertaining

Some people will call these men and women un-American

Refineries Can’t Meet Gas Needs – Perhaps we could, like, end this illegal war sometime soon?

You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?

Turns out we do.

Wrestling – ECW One Night Stand? More like InVasion 2.0: Finding more ways to screw it up!

Games – E3 fall-out continues. Conker FINALLY goes gold. And Next-Box games for $60 a pop? Yeah, well, nuts to that.

Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.

TV – Complete coverage of all the popular shows, though most of them are over now. No new 24 til 2006……DAMN IT!

Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.

Comics -These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.

Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. Or you will after you check these guys out. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site.

Newz You can Use – And We Abuse

Kern and I RETURN! Yes yes, the part of the column you loooooooove, the dynamic duo you just cannot get enough of, return after a week of….hiatus, and tear into all the newz you can handle! Here’s what we do: J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. Most of the time we just wind up off topic and non-sensical and such, but the people love it, so we provide it. Take a look for yourself!

Lord Help Us – There WILL be more Rambo!

Rambo IV officially begins preliminary shooting in Bulgaria in January 2006, as Nu Image/Millennium Films have acquired film rights from Miramax/Dimension Films. Sofia, Bulgaria, will be the first stop for the third sequel with filming locations in India and the United States to follow. More…

Kern: Wow. Can’t get much more American than a Navajo Green Beret being attacked by white supremacists in India and Bulgaria… Or can you? RAMBO 5! Forced by the Liberal Left media, John Rambo is forced to distribute Noam Chomsky leaflets to grade school nuns being fudned by Nazi / Al Qaeda terrorists! Only his military survival training and trademark red bandana stand between the U. S. of A. and complete annihalation at the hands of freedom haters like Hitler, bin Laden and Dan Rather!
Norty: Hitler and Dan Rather teaming up eh. Actually, you’ve so totally nailed this newz byte, that I just don’t know what to say. Rambo 4? Come ON now. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: What the hell is the point!
Kern: The point is the sequel to that sequel. If they time it right (i.e. 2008), it’s just 90 minutes of Rambo hunting down, killing and eating the Dems nominee for president. FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!
Kern: Goodness, i’m sorry. You’ll have to excuse me getting all political. i just had one of those new Budweiser energy drinks and i’m chock fulla piss and vinegar. And Budweiser. And energy drink.
Norty: I see. The one question I have to ask, and it’s one I’d ask Rambo if I ever met him: Where does the vinegar come from, exactly?
Kern: i do not know. But i do know that penicillin will not clear it up.
Norty: Pfft. Rambo would just grunt, concentrate, and that shit would be gone faster than a gay man at a White House Press Corp. party.
Kern: And that is why Rambo is sitting on a fatty stack of cash as they film his third sequel while i’m sitting here on my fatty ass taking pot shots at him.
Kern: Now let’s move on before i start making Oscar jokes.

Almost Everyone Approves Indiana Jones 4 Script

Very good news for those awaiting the long-talked about but little movement on fourth Indiana Jones movie; creators’ Steven Spielberg and George Lucas have finally given the script a big thumbs up.More….

Kern: Ooo … Indy and Rambo!
Norty: No no, not Indy and Rambo in the same flick. Indy and Rambo in the same week!
Kern: Also, i don’t think it needs to be said, but just in case … Lucas ALSO gave the thumbs up to the scripts for the first two Star Wars prequels, so lets not get too excited by that particular digit.
Norty: Oh sure, this coming from the guy who loves Episode 3 so much he gives it like a 9.5. Listen, fanboy in wolf’s clothing, give up the act. I know you’ve nothing to say about Lucas and either the Wars or the Indy flicks.
Kern: EIGHT point five. And it comes with the Special Olympics caveat. After the first two, we’re just so proud he didn’t crank out three absolute turds in a row.
Kern: Some of us were alive when the first film came out, and it’s something of a generational touchstone, like Britney Spears is for you, so we can be forgiven for having some emotional investment in the franchise.
Kern: At least, i assume that’s why you have her poster on your wall.
Norty: I’m going to ignore your idiotic Britney comments (whore). And, well, yeah, that’s definitely true about the Wars. Friggin fan boys…..ANYWAY! Indy is a different beast. He did his prequel treatment with the Young Indy TV stuff. This is sequel land we’re taking, PLUS he’s working with Spielberg. I don’t see it going too wrong, actually.
Kern: Yeah, Lucas, Jedi Master of Merchandising and Captain of the Pander division, Spielberg. What could possibly go wrong?
Norty: Oh, now you’re just reaching. What about Ford? And what about the refusal to approve anything but a “good” script? Though Lucas and scripts…..
Kern: Ford hasn’t approved it yet, has he? Also … Air Force Once.
Norty: Air Force One?
Norty: What aboot it?
Kern: …
Kern: Enjoy Rambo 5, jackass.
Norty: What!? I haven’t seen AFO in years. Was it that bad?
Kern: There has never in the history of cinema been a good movie set on a plane. Except for Airplane!, which is the exception that proves the rule.
Norty: True enough. What about Con Air? Did that suck too?
Kern: …
Kern: You’re gonna talk to me about Bruckheimer?
Kern: You’re gonna talk to ME about BRUCKHEIMER?!
Norty: And my work here is done. Moving on.
Kern: Enjoy National Treasure 2, jackass.
Norty: Snow would melt in hell first.

Obi-Wan to Do a Comedy

Ewan McGregor (Star Wars Prequels) will star in an untitled British comedy to be directed by Scot Peter Capaldi. McGregor will play four roles in the feature within a feature: a 1930s Hollywood star, his stand-in, and both of the 18th-century characters they play in the movie they’re shooting. In the story, a studio in the 1930s is filming a picture about the Jacobite rebellion of 1745 rulers. When the star goes missing, the producers trick an extra into filling his shoes, with surprising results.

Kern: Wow … A movie about a movie about 17th century French history. The movie practically sells itself!
Kern: That being said … Ewan could do a movie about crabs and i’d watch it.
Norty: Well, it has Obi-wan in it.
Kern: Go on … ask me if i mean the tasty sea crustaceans.
Norty: *Sigh* Must I?
Kern: Do it.
Norty: Fine. Do you mean the tasty sea crustaceans, Kern? Though I don’t like seafood much…
Kern: No.
Norty: Do I have to ask what you do mean?
Kern: Only if you’re still … not yet a man.
Norty: Oh. Well, thankfully I am
Kern: Which is cool. i hear a lot of kids are into that sort of thing nowadays. Saving themselves and whatnot.
Norty: Pfft. Screw that.
Kern: No, no … you don’t need to put on a show. It’s just you and me here. You can admit if you … you know … really identify with that Madonna song.
Norty: Like a virgin? Hardly
Kern: Hey, hey, it’s cool if you are. i’ve heard you have … problems …
Norty: I do?
Kern: i’m sure McCullar has a reason for calling you Floppy McNubbin behind your back…
Norty: Oh. No, you misunderstood. We call HIM that. Sometimes we add Grandpa before that. No so, no problems in the bedroom for me. Never. Ever. Period.
Norty: I have about as many problems in the bedroom as Obi-wan has with a lightsabre….that is to say, zero.
Kern: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Norty: What lady?
Kern: Let’s move on, Floppy…

Joining Norty and Kern mid-conversation during a break before the big X-MEN stuff…..

Norty: Unexpected stuff came up
Norty: And I like having a plan
Kern: Nerd.
Norty: Thanks
Norty: Do they pay you for your newsletter writing?
Kern: Yep. So i feel extra guilty when it’s late like this. Not that it helps. i’m late every month.
Norty: No surprise there
Kern: i yam what i yam as a wise man once said…
Norty: Didn’t he pal around with a guy who needed burgers, and would pay for them tuesday?
Kern: Jesus? i think so. Wimpy was often referred to as the 13th apostle…
Kern: In the Dead Beef Scrolls, that is…
Norty: Which were only recovered, what, in the 1960s?
Kern: Around the founding of Burger King … Coincidence? Burger King? King of All Kings?
Norty: Not that I can see
Kern: You should go before i start in on my Islam / Hardee’s comparisons and somebody issues a fatwa on my ass.

And then we were going to go into deep discussion (well, deep for us) on the current mess that is X-3. But, well, my connection went out on me and then Kern never showed up again. Which is also the reason this is showing up on a Saturday night as opposed to Friday. But, really, this X-3 stuff is only going to blow up even bigger in the coming week or two if online sources are to be believed, so trust me, our chats on this topic are far from over (As unhappy as Kern may be about that).

Trailer of the Week: A History of Violence

The plot: “A History of Violence” stars Viggo Mortensen as a pillar of a small town community who runs a diner and lives a happy and quiet life with his wife (Maria Bello) and two children. But their lives are forever changed when Mortensen thwarts an attempted robbery and is lauded as a hero by the media, attracting the attention of some mobsters (William Hurt and Ed Harris) who believe he is someone else.

The Link: Here
The Analysis:

Rob “I invented Bad Ass” Sutton: I was kind of skeptical at first, but the end of the trailer seems to make it really intriguing. I like some Cronenberg’s other work and it looks like he’s put something a little unconventional together as usual. Its also got a good cast and I’m glad that Viggo Mortenson might get a decent followup to Aragorn after his Hidalgo disappointemnt.

Mike “I’m as violent as a grandmother” McCullar: David Cronenberg has always been an intriguing director, but lately it seems like he’s fallen on hard times. It’s been a while since he’s done anything that matches the quality of The Fly or Dead Ringers or Scanners. His newest film, The History of Violence, looks like it may be a return to form. And we may finally have a suitable vehicle for a post-Aragorn Viggo Mortensen. The trailer looks great, and I’m looking forward to the flick.

Sarah “Discussion Killer” Graves: hehehe Hidalgo rocked. If only for the ability to now end every tale like the following example: “I searched and searched for the perfect cabbage. Searched like a horse. A horse named… Hidalgo!”

And that was it for that, really. The whole thing just broke down into Hidalgo jokes and other conversation after that. Ugly sight, it was….

Reviews We Sit Through – For You!

Scott Sawitz PWNS the reviews this week, kind of like Leamons and his constant owning of the DVD section. He has three reviews for everyone this week: The Longest Yard (Positive); Madagascar (Mixed); Cinderalla Man (Perfect).

Layer Cake – A film that falls just short of being perfect in the eyes of Mike McCullar. Just shy. Like, that much. Not even. Seriously. It holds its own with the rest of the summer blockbusters (in case you didn’t know that already).

On DVD

A Love Song for Bobby Long – Travis Leamons seems to take some downtime this week, as this is the only DVD he reviews. And it’s not even a good one, either. Then again, any guy who dominates one aspect of one entire zone of a site needs some downtime too, just like the rest of us (Plus he hooks me up with stuff, so he can pretty much do anything he likes). Anyway, decent story, bad DVD, read him for the rest.

White Noise – Matthew Romanada is far more generous to this film than I was when I reviewed it during the weekend of its theatrical release. Even then, he only gives it a 5. Read on and shake your head in sadness as Keaton tries and fails to revive his career.

Team America: World Police – Uncensored and Unrated – If you need to read McCullar to know you should own this DVD right now, then you probably shouldn’t go out and buy this DVD right now (though you should still read McCullar).

Star Trek: Insurrection -Rob Sutton reviews the next to last Trek film (so far) and walks away pretty happy, with a fairly positive review to boot. Not the best in the series by any bounds, but not nearly as bad as some make it out to be. Read Rob for more.

We Even Do Columns!

Rob Sutton gives his Bad Ass thoughts on Silverado. Really, I can’t think of anything to say about this film, as Rob really covers this one well. I find myself at a loss for words to describe the badass-ness of it all. Great stuff as usual.

Brad Torreano returns for another week of cult classics with Mondo Culto XXVII. To best sum it up? He talks about the good ole redneck horror films, started well with Texas Chainsaw and currently seen in stuff like House of Wax. Hmm. Would that be a de-evolution of the genre? Fantastic stuff as usual from Mr. T.

I write two columns weekly (usually) – this one, and a column about trailers. Fun times as usual…

Rob Russo continues to Set the Trend. Ever wonder why movies make the mega-bucks in the first week or two of their release and then burn out faster than Brenden Campbell on holiday? Rob really gives an excellent, well said and thought out analyzation of this process, and why it’ll never go back to the way it once was.

Matt Coates shines again with another Holistic DVD Column. Number eleven to be precise. He covers the adapation of book to film, looking specifically at From Hell and L.A.Confidential. Good times.

Sometimes, Mikey McCullar wonders why I don’t plug his “Perfect Pulse”. That could have something to do with the fact that the guy rags on ME, saying Kern is all the talent of this here column and whatnot. True as that may or may not be (it is), where does Mr. Perfect get off, filling over half of his…erm, Daily Pulse, with plugs for everyone else and THEN spending what, five minutes on actual content? Pfft. I know I float em just like you Mikey, but let’s call a spade a spade here. Oh, and his actual Perfect Film is Commando this week. Just in case you were still wondering.

The End

That about does it for me. I’m mulling over how I shall handle my future endeavors here at El Pulso de Inside. Maybe just alter things ever so slightly. We’ll see. Anyway, you’re bored to tears as it is by now, so on that note….

Until Next Time…