Just a quick update –
You would have thought that things couldn’t get worse for Perry Saturn after last week. He’d escaped WCW along with Malenko, Benoit, and Eddie Guerrero, and made his way to the WWF. A skilled wrestler with a great look should have nowhere to go but up, right?
Hey, anything can happen in the WWF. Just not that.
Dain-Bramaged Perry Saturn – WWF, 2001
History
Our problems began as Saturn and Dean Malenko teamed up to take on the APA (Bradshaw and Faarooq) on the May 21, 2001 edition of Raw. Faarooq wound up hitting his Dominator on Saturn, then the Acolytes joined forces and double-powerbombed Saturn for the win. After the bell rang, they did it again for good measure. Understandably concerned, Terri Runnels (Perry’s manager) and Malenko stood backstage as EMTs checked Saturn’s pupils. Perry just stared into space and said two words: “You’re welcome.”
Things got worse on Smackdown. Saturn and Terri were ringside as Raven took on Malenko. Malenko won (with a bit of help from Saturn). After the match, Raven hit the Raven Effect (Evenflow) DDT on Saturn. Which dropped him on his head. Yep.
Kevin Kelly caught up with Terri and Malenko backstage to check on Saturn’s condition. As they explained that things looked grim due to all the head trauma he’d been suffering lately, Saturn wandered in and gave a speech that still resonates today: “Bunnies eat radishes so they can have babies. You’re welcome.”
Poor Saturn just couldn’t catch a break. On Monday, he teamed with Terri to take on Steve Blackman and Trish Stratus. Unfortunately, this was during the WCW invasion. Lance Storm ran in and put Saturn down with a superkick. To the head. Uh-oh.
June 3rd’s edition of Heat saw Saturn taking on Steve Blackman again. Blackman won with another superkick. This guy’s medical insurance has to be sky-high.
Things took a turn for the ugly on Raw the next night. Terri was taking on Trish Stratus in a bra and panties match when Saturn came running out from the back wearing a robe. He climbed into the ring and pulled it off, revealing his bra and thong. The distraction allowed Trish to win the match. After the match, Terri and Saturn fought over the robe (each one wanting the other to wear it), then finally gave up and let it drop.
Smackdown saw Saturn teaming with Malenko to take on the Dudleys. On the way to the ring, Saturn tried to give Malenko a hug – which was not appreciated by the Iceman. While Malenko was fighting off the Dudleys, Saturn’s attention was captivated by the eyeglasses Bubba Ray and D-Von had worn out to the ring. Finally Bubba had Malenko set up for the “Wazzup” headbutt to the groin, but D-Von wasn’t on the top rope. Saturn was. He immediately did the headbutt, then grabbed a microphone and yelled, “D-Von, get the muffins. You’re welcome.” The Dudleys thanked Saturn for his help with a 3D (Dudley Death Drop), then D-Von covered him for the pin.
On Raw, Saturn took on Steve Blackman in a King of the Ring qualifier match. After a mis-start (which saw Saturn trying to pin the referee), Saturn hit Blackman with the Moss Covered 3 Handled Family Credenza and picked up the win. Then Trish ran out. While she fought with Terri, Blackman nailed Saturn with his kendo stick. Guess where. If you said, “In the head,” you win!
Hilarity ensued on Smackdown as Commissioner William Regal gave Saturn, Malenko, and Terri the night off. Except for the cameras following them around. Anyway, they went out to dinner and Malenko and Terri had a deep conversation about Malenko’s date (she’s a model!) while Saturn played with the centerpiece. When Malenko’s date Sherry arrived, Saturn gave her the nicest compliment he could – “You smell like a Viking. You’re welcome!”
We kept going back to the restaurant while the show went on. Our first return visit showed Saturn explaining why orphans liked porridge, and then explaining that some dinosaurs ate meat and some ate gravy. Sherry laughed her head off and told Malenko how funny Saturn was.
Next, Saturn got Sherry with the “8 the garbage can” joke. You know how it goes – “I one the garbage can, etc.” Malenko even tried to out-Saturn Saturn by claiming that pigeons wore lipstick so they could get out of speeding tickets, but it didn’t work.
Finally we reached dessert. Sherry was feeding Saturn ice cream, and Terri was getting more jealous by the second. Finally she took a swing at Sherry with a serving tray, only to hit Saturn – all together now – in the head. Saturn just said, “Yahtzee! You’re welcome.”
Heat saw Terri and Malenko hosting at WWF New York. Unfortunately, Saturn had wandered off and was loose on the streets. First he confused someone looking for Times Square, then started trying to charge people shopping at the Gap in tomatoes. Finally Terri found him as he talked with a homeless person. Saturn’s explanation? “The Statue of Liberty has long legs because she carries a torch. You’re welcome!”
Saturn had Edge in his King of the Ring quarterfinal match on Raw. Unfortunately, Edge defeated him with a DDT.
On Smackdown, William Regal found himself in an uncomfortable position – namely having to give specific instructions to Saturn to win the Hardcore title from Test. Saturn just said “Doggies eat applesauce to save the ozone layer.” Thinking quickly, Regal retaliated, “Test says that doggies eat kumquats to save the ozone layer.” This was all the inspiration Saturn needed and he headed off to hurt Test.
It didn’t work. Test caught Saturn with the Big Boot as Saturn was getting ready to nail the champion with a mop. As Terri helped Saturn up after he got pinned, Saturn grabbed up the mop and held it closely to himself.
On Smackdown, Saturn was wandering around backstage with his mop. First he interrupted Spike Dudley and Molly Holly, who were sharing a tender moment. He then headed to the ring with his mop and Terri to take on the Big Show. Predictably the Show won, and not even an attempted mop shot from Terri could save Saturn. After the match, Saturn dragged himself across the mat to grab his mop.
On Raw the next week, Vince McMahon was trying to find somewhere private to “negotiate a contract” with Torrie Wilson. After being interrupted in the shower (by Steve Austin), and the mop closet (by Kurt Angle), they’d made their way to the bathroom – where Saturn was on the commode. They didn’t hang around long after that.
Smackdown saw Saturn and Terri accompanying Malenko to the ring as he took on Scotty 2 Hotty. The match was going well – until Saturn put on Scotty’s visor and hit Malenko with his own version of the worm. Malenko pitched him, then got hit by Scotty 2 Hotty’s version of the worm for the pin.
Saturn disappeared for about a week – only to resurface on the July 15th Sunday Night Heat. Saturn took on, and defeated, Crash Holly. After the match, Saturn ignored Terri’s attempts to get a victory hug, instead looking for his mop.
On Raw, Saturn and Terri were in the locker room when Paul Heyman came in. He admired the new face Saturn had put on the mop and then tried to get Saturn to join the ECW/WCW alliance. Saturn’s reply? “Snausages.”
On Smackdown the next week, Saturn had a chance to take on the new Intercontinental champion – Alliance member Lance Storm. After informing Storm in a backstage interview that Underoos were Funderwear, Saturn wandered off. The match itself was going well until Storm grabbed the mop (now named Moppy) and rubbed his rear end with it. Saturn grabbed it (her?) away and nailed Storm with a mop shot. Saturn kept whacking Storm with the mop all the way back up the ramp to the back. Needless to say – Storm won by DQ.
On the 5th of August, a very unique match took place. Saturn (with his friend Moppy) took on Chavo Guerrero Jr. (who used to have a wooden horse named Pepe). To end the match, Saturn gave Moppy a thumbs up, then slingshotted Chavo into it. Saturn won easily.
The next night, it was revealed that Terri had indeed been dumped for a mop. She wasted no time in finding a new man, as she came out with Raven for his match against Saturn on Smackdown. Saturn defeated Raven easily, but his celebration was short-lived as he realized that Moppy was missing. Saturn spent the rest of the show frantically searching backstage for Moppy, only to have Terri come up to him and rub it in.
Saturn was undeterred – even going so far as to call in the police to help locate Moppy Q. McMopperson. He spent the next week in his search – even spending Summerslam searching WWF New York. The next night we saw that Moppy was starting to appear on the sides of milk cartons.
A glimpse of hope finally arrived on the August 30th Smackdown. Saturn ran into Regal’s office with a picture of Moppy. Unfortunately, the kidnappers were demanding a hundred thousand dollars for its return.
By the next Raw, Saturn had realized a desperate truth – he didn’t have $100,000. So he turned to the only person who might help him. Hurricane Helms. Helms decided that Matt Hardy had probably had something to do with the kidnapping and chased after him.
Later that night, Matt and Lita were taking on Ivory and Hurricane in a mixed tag match when Saturn stormed the ring and distracted Matt, which allowed Hurricane to get an easy win. When Saturn confronted him, Hurricane responded by offering a handshake. Saturn responded with the Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza.
On the September 17th Raw, things came to a head. Saturn was fighting against Shawn Stasiak. Saturn had just won the match when the Titantron suddenly lit up. Terri and Raven stood there with Moppy… and a wood chipper. After taunting Saturn, Raven fed Moppy into the wood chipper.
Raven was taking on Rob Van Dam on the following episode of Smackdown when Saturn ran out and attacked. It took some work, but with Terri’s help Raven was able to leave Saturn laying.
That brought us to Unforgiven. It only took about five minutes for Saturn to put Raven away and end the feud.
Analysis
Okay. Take one menacing-looking wrestler with good skills. What gimmick do you give him? A street fighter? Hardcore? Nope – you give him brain damage and have him fall in love with a mop.
It’s sad to see how far Saturn fell from his peaks. In ECW he was one-half of the Eliminators, still one of the highest-regarded tag teams that Heyman’s company produced. In WCW he was put into a high profile feud with Raven that ended with the dissolution of the Flock. When he came into the WWF, he was part of an elite group of wrestlers who had banded together to escape WCW.
And then he fell in love with the mop.
Where are they now?
I’d touched on Saturn’s whereabouts last week, but I’ve gotten some new information I thought I’d pass along. Andrew Branstad wrote in and said that Saturn moved to northern Iowa. Apparently Sonny Onoo lives up there as well and brought Saturn in while he keeps trying to get back into the WWE. Saturn will be appearing at Shane Douglas’s “Hardcore Homecoming” show as he reunites with John Kronus to reform the Eliminators.
Raven is currently working for TNA, where he just wrapped up a feud with Jeff Hardy when Hardy no-showed Final Justice. Right now, Raven is “suspended,” after decimating Larry Zbyszko on a recent episode of Impact.
Terri was released from WWE at her request in April of 2004. Since then, she has made the occasional appearance on indy shows, managing wrestlers such as Brian Costello and the Midnight Express.
Dean Malenko is still with the WWE, now working backstage as a road agent.
From the Mailbox
In his email, Andrew mentioned that Saturn is also working as a bouncer up in Iowa. Here’s what he has to say about Saturn:
” Perry’s a really nice guy, and a hell of a tough bouncer. There’s something really amusing about seeing two fighting drunks busted up by Perry Saturn leaping from the top of the bar.”
That’s a mental image whose coolness I cannot describe.
Next week
The greatest heel stable you’ve never heard of.
