Please do not hate the LONG stretch in updating, if you check out the forums I did write to let everyone know – I had a major laptop meltdown on Monday as I was posting up this… so it didn’t go up.
Now all is well, or at least as well as it will be for now – so without further adieu, here is all of the snarkyness sealed for freshness since Monday.
Thank you,
James Hatton
So this week…
My laptop is dying..
My commute home today sucked..
My girlfriend who is a farging genius decided that to celebrate tonight’s ‘draft’ by buying me beer to make me feel better.
So welcome to the
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
S A M
A D A M S
E D I T I O N
So join us while we get liquored up and choose the fate of our Raw Superstars! Who is here tonight?
Jenna – Traded to Smackdown
Hernandez – Traded to TNA
Eric – Traded to ECW
Bill – Traded for a Mox Ruby
Laura – Traded for two cartoons to shiv someone
Dani – Traded for the rest of my natural life
Me – Traded and never coming back.
Bischoff starts the show just WAY too happy. He picked the first draft lottery choice last night. We won’t believe it, but Coach is here (and a great moment of him looking at the camera, almost surprised that it’s there) .. apparently Paul Heyman isn’t there.
Bischoff doesn’t care – this first pick is his DEFINING MOMENT!
Starting the show, fufilling his promise to show us the first draft pick.
“Jericho is looking tasty tonight.” – Dani
“Drinking already honey?” – Hernandez
“Oh, what’s his name Jamie?” – Hernandez
“Why?” – Me
“Curtain Jerkin Jericho” – Hernandez
So he promotes his Fozzy album and teases our asses. So let’s hear it.. who is it?!
“KURT” – Hernandez
“GUERRERO” – Me
…and… they don’t come out.
IT’S JOHN FUCKING CENA!!!! The crowd pops like a summabich and here he comes down with Smackdown title in tow. Jericho makes a point that the last time both champions were on Raw, he beat both of them.
“Aww, he’s having a nostalgia dream” – Hernandez
So Jericho and Cena have a lot in common. They are media superstars, but Jericho is beating him just a little. He says that if he wants to be successful, he might have to just ignore some of the wrestlers and fans. Cena doesn’t hear that. err..word…
Cena announces readily that if anyone wants some… Oh and WHO wants some?!?!
CHRISTIAN WANTS SOME – Here comes Captain Charisma!
This is the best opener to Raw in a LONG time.
Christian wipes his eyes, as he must be dreaming. The cheers remind Christian of another fraud’s cheers, that of Mark McGuire, for awesome cheap heat. It’s not going to take an Act of Congress to reveal John Cena as a fraud. This is Christian’s show – Canada in the house. That’s just… how.. he.. rolls.
Cena takes a step back and asks Jericho if me minds if he handles his business. Cena raps on Christian, referencing the Brood and Gangrel, Kazoos, religion, refers to him as an assclown, calls Tomko Christian’s lifepartner, and gives Christian a 5 Second Pose before Cena blows through both guys and then F5’s Tomko.
And That Is How This Show Should Be Done.
“Is Cena a ninja?” – Dani
“Why?” – Me
“Because we can’t see him!” – Dani
The crowd is on their feet as we head to the first commercial.
COMMERCIAL
A quick commercial for the Rabble Diva search. Even the WWE is joining in! Remember, get your entries in now. Here’s one for tonight … just to wet your pallete.
As a note – this is me and Laura enjoying DRAFT night – but the entries are coming in.. and I’m going to start posting them soon, so get them in! The deadline will be announced in a week or two.
rabblediva@gmail.com DO IT!
The first match though is a handicap match for the IC title.
MUHAMMAD & AKBAR vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Handicapped title match?!
Lock up to start, Hassan pushes him into the corner, and Shelton fights it out with some big hip tosses and then an armlock. Shelton keeps on him, tosses him to the rope, another hiptoss and then he front suplexes Davari onto the rope.
Shelton comes back in to get hit by Hassan, but then kicks right up and a nice belly to back suplex sends Hassan down. Shelton splash..and stopped. Hassan hits his finisher and 1… 2… 3….
FOOT ON THE ROPES! SHELTON HAD HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!
Hassan has the belt wrapped around him by the time the ref gets the call rescinded.
COMMERCIAL
We come back and Shelton launches himself spear style at Hassan, but looks like it hurt both of them. Akbar runs in and takes advantage of Benjamin while Hassan wakes up and they both toss him into the corner. Then both Hassan & Akbar take turns wringing Shelty’s arm against the corner post.
Hassan puts him into an armlock and it looks like Shelty’s bleeding.
“NO! He just drank Kool-Aid before the match” – Hernandez
A tag to Akbar and he takes it with quick kicks and stomps, shoulderblocks. They continue to work on Shelton’s hand and Akbar puts him into a hammerlock, rolling over for 2. Finally Shelton fights his way out of it and begins clearing house between the both. Another Shelty-Splash into the corner onto Hassan and the T-Bone on Davari.
Winner: SHELTON BENJAMIN!
Hassan seems shocked. No beatdown though.
We get the flashback to Trips.. because tonight we’ll see the contract signing for a match that nobody wanted!
COMMERCIAL
Backstage Tajiri is practicing kicks, and Regal finds him. He is concerned that Tajiri has been fraternizing with Paul Heyman. Chris Benoit is in fact backstage to promote more ECW shenanigans. Regal things it is all quite a bit of poppycock and just plain barbaric.
Benoit though has a match versus Snitsky tonight, ECW style.
“According to WWE creative when fans think ECW and Chris Benoit, Gene Snitsky pops in their heads… ” – Mr. Pink (Grabbed Off The Forums!)
Regal states that he is a part of Bischoff’s Anti-ECW team – and Tajiri needs to make his choice.. and he does..
E C W.. repeated until it’s almost not funny..
Bischoff is backstage preparing to talk to John Cena.. but oh, it’s Muhammed whining about the Dusty Screwjob. Hassan apparently has filed a lawsuit against Eric Bischoff – next week there will be a one man team to address Hassan’s grievances in the ring.
..oh.. and it’s stone cold…
pop..pop..pop…no…
“GET A TOWEL” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
“You know they started this show off real well… but now.. it’s just going downhill” – Dani
..here comes Chris Masters..
Before Masters can even get DOWN to the ring, Val comes out and just beats the snot out of him.
VAL VENIS vs. CHRIS MASTERS
Annoy Me Match
They roll in and the bell rings, and Val tosses him to the corner. Big chops from Val, then a snapmare and a hard kick to the back. Val knees masters in the gut and some European uppercuts and a charging clothesline.
Masters TRIES to get some offense, but Val reverses it with a Rock bottom, Masters rolls out.. which is the perfect time for Val to slam him into some steps!
As Val is coming back into the ring, Masters coounters with a kick to the crotch, but val comes back quickly with a Fisherman Suplex, followed by a tiltawhirl powerbomb thingy. Masters is bleeding from the mouth now, and Val climbs on Masters for the 10 punches in the corner – but Masters slams him down and slinks in the full nelson.
..that was it?
“My full nelson is sooo much better than that” – Dani
“We saw it.. it’s pretty good” – Bill
Geez…
WINNER: CHRIS MASTERS
In the back Trips and Ric discuss the contract signing, and how Trips has never lost a Hell In A Cell.
“A contract signing for what?” – Bill
“So they can stare at each other.” – Hernandez
“So they can put together a nice music package.” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Bischoff is in the ring with all of the security, announcing that Heyman is somewhere in the arena tonight, so he’s warning the audience.
“If he scams popcorn off you, tell security.” – Me
Bischoff stutters over Triple H’s accolades.
“Bischoff just had an aneurysm” – Eric
“Triple H… not hot” – Dani
This contract, which shows an amazing amount of continuity, says if either man gets drafted – the match still goes on. Triple H doesn’t care about the draft, because there is not a man on this planet that can…
“pleasure him.” – Hernandez
..defeat him. Come Vengence, blah blah… 11 times.. blah blah.. video package about Trips in the Hell In The Cell.
“This message brought to you by the letters H – H – H” – Bill
“Fear the cell Dave” – HHH
“Don’t fear the cell Dave” – Dani
“Fear the reaper” – Me
“Don’t fear the reaper” – Bill
“This video package is giving me a seizure moment.” – Dani
For the record, there is a big lightning storm going on outside of my house – Dave comes down to rolling thunder. God likes Dave.
“That is how you wear a suit” – Dani
“All the men in the room should feel ashamed” – Jenna
“Dave may have a lot, but he doesn’t have something that I have” – Me
“What?”
“The sound of weeping in his bedroom at 2am…” – Me
“And beer” – Bill
“Oh yeah.. I have beer!” – Me
Dave doesn’t fear the cell. He doesn’t fear Trips.
“He doesn’t fear the reaper” – Dani
They sign. Trips stands. He makes a threat. Dave stands. Rebukes the threat. Trips goes ‘I’m Rubber Your Glue’. Triple H admits that the thing between Triple H and Dave, after Vengence.. will be over.
“THANK GOD!” – Dani
They shake hands, and pull nose to nose. They then randomly start to strip.
“THIS IS THE GAYEST PORN EVER!? Where’s Ric and the donkey?!” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
Eric and I agree that Batista came off much better in that whole bit. Much more intense.
The room calls in Danielle to come into the room, as her favorite new tag team is in the ring with Victoria.
“Why do they have a man in a bikini.” – Laura
“I think she’s kind of striking” – Me
“Like striking other people” – Bill
“Wow, way to call that joke in from the 2nd grade” – Me
Coming down is Rosie & Hurricane come down with Christie.
“Christie should go heel” – Hernandnez
“Oh God.. I think I’m sporting a half-sy.. thanks.” – Me
Starting in the ring is Hurricane and Antonio, Hurricane tosses him for and hits a powerslam, then quick tags back and forth as they just continue to toss Hurricane around with some solid tag wrestling.
“Their finisher should be called the pearl necklace” – Hernandez
Double suplex, and then Romeo tags in Victoria who begins to stomp on Victoria. Christie gets tagged in, and a couple of clotheslines, a kick, and Christie going fireball all over Victoria – choking the hell out of Victoria, so much that the ref has to stop her. She then climbs under the ref’s legs and chokes her even more!
“SHE’S BANGING VICTORIA” – JR
Good call JR. DQ it is…
“Awww, nobody cares about Stacy.” – Dani
WINNER via DQ: Heartthrobs & Victoria
Backstage, Bischoff lays a subtle challenge to Heyman and finally sees Cena. His shirt is damn lame. Bischoff makes the main event next week a tag match of Christian & Tomko vs. Cena & Jericho. Bischoff continues to ask John for things. To join the anti-ECW thingie.. to be his friend.. to kiss him.. John just doesn’t care really.
We then go to the Smackdown Rebouond – which is the commercial for Smackdown’s draft. There was some cool ass Kurt Angle stuff – go find out what here with CJ Ambrosia!
COMMERCIAL
Last week Viscera took away Lillian. Also we had the Dutchess of Uncomfortable, Lita flushed down Mat– err.. Kane’s ring down the toilet. How these things relate.. I don’t care.
Coming down to the ring… KANE.
His opponent.. Visce? Edge’s music hits! Aww, but he’s got a mic.
“Kane should just start cutting himself right now” – Dani.
The bad news is he’s not Kane’s opponent.
The good news is..
“I saved money on my car insurance using Geico” – Bill
..they will fight at Vengence.
Edge teases the fight, then instead brings down Lita. Once again she’s wearing a shirt that resembles window curtains. So since Vengence is in Vegas.. who knows what will happen.
“Shades of Trips and Stephanie.” – Me
“The little white chapel” – Hernandez
So.. err.. no match for Kane it seems as we go to —-
COMMERCIAL
We get Coach’s music – an amusing bit where he demands his name be announced while he goes to the commentary position. All becomes clear as Chris Benoit’s music hits.
CHRIS BENOIT vs. GENE SNITSKY
ECW Invasion Match
Before Gene gets in the ring, Benoit dropkicks his feet and smashes Snintsky with the trashcan lid a bunch of times. Benoit tosses in Snitsky, and kicks him in the corner, but Snitsky reverses it. Snitsky reverses the set-up for the german suplex, but it turns into a failed Crossface.
Snitsky takes a moment to set two garbage cans in the alternating corner and then tossing Benoit into both. Gene hits a sideslam onto the trashcan lid. Snitsky charges Benoit, but Chris ducks it and Gene gets all caught on the ropes. Chris goes and grabs a table.
As he comes in, Snitsky tries to clothesline, but it’s ducked and we get the triple-plex, andn then he headbutts Snitsky onto the table. Benoit heads to the top rope!! Gene gets up and hits the ropes, neutering Chris on the turnbuckle. One trashcan hit and Chris falls to the outside. Out of nowhere…
DUDLEY BOYS – SNITSKY – 3D! – and the brothers are gone through the crowd.
COMMERCIAL
Now apparently since it was ECW rules, the match continued. Benoit climbed to the top, hit Snitsky with the flying headbutt and won.
Backsage, the Coach is going after the Dudley Boys and gets them (as well asy Heyman) arrested.
There are a bit of rabblerousing and fisticuffs, and Heyman wants a meeting – they’ll meet…. NEXT!
COMMERCIAL
Now Bischoff is cooming dowon to th ring with Edge, Christian, and Tyson Tomkoo and we are in our..
MAIN EVENT DISCUSSION
So Biscoff wants to beat them tonight, so he is inviting him down to the ring with whomever he wants. The boys come out through the arena, they hop the barricade.. and the big question is.. who else did he bring?
Heyman makes a point to explain that has NOTHING to do with Heyman, it has to do with ECW. And he swears on his soul–
“NO DADDY NO!” – Bill
Dudley’s crawl into the ring and face to face with Team Bischoff, but Bisch brings in reinforcements, flanking the Dudley Boys. Bischoff calls some music and here comoes RHYNO, AXEL, BALLS, DREAMER, and SANDMAN!
“Good god Axel got fat.” – Eric
And as Heyman declares that they never backdown from a fight, the ring erupts. Coach is even in there for f*cksake! There are kendo sticks, chairs, and Rhyno gores Edge. Kendo stick to Mavaen’s face, as he’s dropped into the tree of woe, with a baseball slide from Dreamer. 3-d. Maven is tooootally dead.
The boys bring out a handpainted ECW sign, and the show ends WWF / ECW face to face. Pretty sweet.
I have to say, the lows weren’t that low, and the highs were pretty damn high.
Final opinions:
“E C DUB E C DUB E C DUB, I like that they didn’t trump ECW with the signing”- Eric
“My book is really good” – Dani
“Could care less about Batista/Trips 3 – loved the rest” – Hernandez
“I’d quote Tajiri, but we don’t have time.” – Jenna
“I’m noticing more and more that Triple H looks like Jeff Foxworthy” – Bill
“I knew my baby (Shelton Benjamin) would win.” – Laura
“Hottest Raw In Months” – Me
So this has been another Rabbleific – Rabbletastic – Rabbilicious event of the week.
Send your photos to: rabblediva@gmail.com
