BEGINNINGS:
I wrote a load of weird shit up here and then realised I didn’t have an actual lead-in to it, then I thought, “f*ck ’em”, so you’re on your own from this point onwards.
As you may have heard, Topher Grace has recently been given a role in Spider-Man 3 (and Spider-Man 4 if the rumours about shooting them back-to-back are to be believed) as a villain. You know Topher, right? He’s the NERD from That ’70s Show? Appeared in Ocean’s Eleven for about three minutes as the guy that couldn’t play poker (All red!”)? Anyway, he looks similarly stupid to everyone’s favourite fatty, Tobey Maguire, which has prompted a lot of speculation that he will be playing Ben Reilly, the clone of Peter Parker in the comic books. Depending on who you ask, it may even be Parker that was the clone, but that’s something you really don’t want to bring up with a Marvel fan. Then again, speculation was already rife that the villain was going to have ‘a lot of black’ and, since Thomas Hayden Church was already down for Sandman, it seemed that Grace could land the fanboy wet dream role of Venom. So – Venom or Reilly? Well, why not both? Have him playing Ben Reilly, a remarkably similar but obviously not cloned friend of Parker’s. He could be another freelance photographer at the Daily Bugle (the preferred choice of Jonah’s to boot), Parker’s lab partner at college and, hell; he could even have a girlfriend called Gwen Stacy. Better yet, start a love triangle with the two NERDS and Mary-Jane, who would now have the chance to live her life with a Parker equivalent free from Spider-Man if she so chose. That offers up some good dramatic tension since they are apparently now not going for the other option of using the Black Cat (and Grace would look damn ugly in that costume). Meanwhile, Harry Osborn has not used his father’s legacy to become the new Green Goblin as many thought he would. No, he’s just too much of a coward to do it himself. Instead, he has decided to restart the serum project that his father was killed working on in a bid to both avenge his father by killing Parker and to realise his father’s dream. To this end, he has mixed the Goblin serum with some of Parker’s DNA, which he could obtain quite easily. Reilly has recently got a job as a research assistant at Oscorp on this project, which Parker is not best pleased with though he doesn’t tell him the reasons why. Somehow, he winds up being used as a guinea pig for this new serum, which reacts terribly and so gives rise to the creature known as Venom.
None of that had anything to do with wrestling but I’m using my authentic Nexus ID to wax lyrical about crazy comic book related theories on a public forum, so sue me.
Hey, now for some wrestling stuff! Ryan Davis e-mailed me with some comments about my Draft Lottery notes from last week…
“[There’s a fairly easy storyline to be done with him, Funaki and Tajiri’s former associate, Akio.]
Please, please, please can we stop having this stupid idea for a storyline being paraded by supposedly smart members of the ‘IWC’. It is dumb and racist, being chosen only for the race of the wrestlers involved. See also inevitable Booker – Benjamin feud suggestions.”
Oh, everything’s racist according to you people. Saying ‘you people’ is racist. The white pieces moving first in chess are racist. Sticking a burning cross in the garden is racist. So excuuuuuuuuuse me if I’m racist!!!
Wait, that’s no use…
Okay, listen to this for a storyline idea. Wrestler A used to be in a faction with Wrestler B until he was sent off to a different show by the draft. Once on his new show, Wrestler A promptly left behind the way his faction behaved and started to act in a different, friendlier manner. Ultimately, it led to a fairly successful year by non-Wrestler H standards and he became one-half of the World Tag Team Champions. Meanwhile, Wrestler B carried on the way he was and, despite a series of very good matches with the Cruiserweight Champion, achieved little of note. One year on from this, the draft sends Wrestler A back to the other show. Wrestler B is pleased as he thinks this will lead to them ‘getting the band back together again’, picking up where they left off, and him finally getting some recognition. Wrestler A is not interested in doing this though, and instead seems more at home with Wrestler C nowadays. This leads to all sort of dramatic tension. It isn’t dumb, it’s an exploration of the effects that the Draft Lottery can have on not only a wrestler’s professional development but also his personal development and his relationships with once-close friends.
So yes, Wrestlers A, B and C all happen to be the same nationality. That’s not a big deal unless you make it into one and if you choose to then you are intentionally judging them by their nationalities, which is in and of itself racist. Besides, people are generally drawn more towards people of similar standing to themselves, be that nationality, religion, musical preferences, whatever. That’s just how we work. And hey, this is wrestling. If you can find a storyline that isn’t racist, sexist or some other offensive form of “-ist” then you’ll be lucky.
And I officially have absolutely nothing to do with the IWC. I am smart though. I’m not a smart, just smart. S-M-R-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T, that’s me.
“[’03/ CHARLIE HAAS
Blah, blah, blah, Shelton Benjamin, blah, blah, blah, World’s Greatest Tag Team]
Been done, was boring then and will be boring again. Don’t let heat-sucker Haas anywhere near anyone decent like Shelton.”
I guess that I shouldn’t have used so many blahs. I wasn’t talking about them immediately reforming the tag team. I wouldn’t want that either, or at least not right away. It would be quite easy to riff on the storyline from above though and have Haas want to reform the team since all of his success over the past year has come from tag team work with Rico and Holly, only for Benjamin to decline the offer for the exact opposite reasons. That leads to a crisis of confidence for Haas and, since fear apparently leads to hate or the dark side or something daft like that; it would be an easy ride to get the two feuding. It’s a basic rasslin’ feud for two guys both essentially little more than rasslers. Then we’d get a fresh PPV match-up that would push the four-star barrier before being driven into the ground for several months worth of rematches, as is the WWE custom. Sounds good to me… Maybe not to some people but then if they don’t want the white man to be able to challenge for the Intercontinental Title then that’s just racist…
Man, I love getting angry e-mails. This one was only ‘mildly perturbed’ but still, it brought back fond memories. If you want to bitch at me or just send a quick Universal Greeting my way then clicky.
ANTI-NEWS:
“My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.”
Every fantasy booker’s wet dream, the WWE Draft Lottery 2005, kicked off this past Monday and as we all know by now, the first pack saw John Cena drafted to Raw. Chris Jericho reacted like he had suddenly discovered what all those pesky strings on the guitar are actually for. Christian reacted like Jamie Hatton upon hearing that Brett Ratner was going to direct X-Men 3. Tyson Tomko was also there. John Cena overcompensated with some homophobic material that could possibly have passed for a rap had he actually rapped it. The shiny belt spun around a little. Thousands in the arena gave him the single biggest f*cking pop that I’ve heard since they stopped caring about Stone Cold. It was a great moment.
But just like my boyhood hero Edna Mode, I never look back. We’ve had our lovely little moment, aw, cute, let’s all just go and have a wank over it and f*cking move on already. Cena’s on Raw. Cena will be feuding with Christian for the next few weeks and may even wind up facing him at Vengeance as the company breezes through that feud without realising how entertaining it actually is, racing to prepare themselves for that magical moment in August when Cena runs into the brick wall of reality and lays down for the H-Count. If he’s very, very lucky, he’ll get to snap at the heels of H for the next several months and then finally win the title back at WrestleMania just in time for the whole damn thing to start repeating itself until Cena needs to be drafted back over to Smackdown for his own protection, much like what surely has to happen with Dave in a few weeks time. If he’s not that lucky then he’ll be stuck in a glorified supporting role with Randy Orton and all the homophobic non-rapped rapping material he could ever possibly hope for.
Not at all gay
Not at all cool
Not at all a bad movie
Not at all gay
Not at all Stephanie McMahon
Hey, just be glad he knows where his towel is. What the hell was I talking about anyway? Oh yeah, Cena… nah, f*ck him, let’s talk about Canadians instead. More specifically, Christian, who deserves a Blue Peter badge and two comely lassies of virtue true for his recent stellar performances. We’ll also have to reward Chris Jericho somewhat for his turn this past month, so let’s just give him a packet of Skittles and all the porn that he could ever wish for. Oh dear god, I would kill for some Skittles right about now… When, lord, when is it my time for these salted treats?? Answer me, Superman!!
But yes, a thousand thank you’s to those two fine upstanding young gentlemen for being so hopelessly entertaining at a time when Raw has generally been as entertaining as a fart in a Jacuzzi. According to Word, Jacuzzi needs to be capitalised. I don’t know about that, but it is being very insistent, so best not argue with it. Seriously though, take away Captain Charisma and Y2J and the one-night buzz of Cena and what the hell else was there on Raw this past week to get so excited about? Those of you that say ‘ECW’ I will deal with slightly later on…
It is interesting to note that these two guys offer up shining examples of two completely opposite ways of developing characters in wrestling. On one hand there is Christian, a completely over-the-top, humour driven character. In this case, he is the not-quite-great wrestler, the not-quite-handsome man, the not-quite-popular superstar, the not-quite-hilarious funny-man and the not-quite-cool Captain Charisma that believes, no, that knows within himself that he is all of these things and more. He is the f*cking Dr. Doom of wrestling and several times as cool. Every single aspect of his very being embodies his unwavering faith in his own greatness. Every step he takes is one that he has bestowed upon us lesser men with generosity that should overwhelm our primitive minds. Every breath he takes is a personal affront as he must share this air with a world unworthy of one such as he. Every word he speaks deserves to be carved in stone and regurgitated in a foolish church every Sunday two-thousand years from now. The man knows this all to be true and never once even begins to question it, no matter what may happen in the ring. It is completely outlandish and altogether brilliant, exactly the sort of thing that makes entertainment entertaining. Sadly, not all of entertainment can manage to pull off such a feat; otherwise Matt Damon would be considerably more popular. It takes a man as talented as Jason Reso to pull it off so easily and so convincingly and lets all thank him for it.
On the other hand, there is Chris Jericho. I slapped myself when I wrote Y2J up above because it is such a hideously outdated and/or meaningless nickname that only George Lucas could consider it relevant and/or meaningful. The same could be said for practically everything that Jericho has done since, oh, around about 2001. Thankfully, the writers have actually noted this and turned it into an integral part of his new character. Unlike Christian’s believable caricature, Jericho is turning into a believable human being. Why the hell should he care about wrestling as much as he used to? People change, people grow, and it is nothing to be frightened about. Likewise, some people cling onto the same thins their entire life and that is also nothing to be ashamed of. Hey, if you want to be driving from high school gym to high school gym in a dented rental car all across Backwater, USA well into your 60s to perform to married cousins and golfers then that’s your call and here’s hoping its good for ya. Jericho, on the other hand, just simply doesn’t have time for such matters. How the hell could he? Sure, he’ll wrestle now and then to keep that part of the fan-base happy. It’s just good business sense. But delegate, Zomig, delegate! There’s the music to consider and all the gigs, parties and groupies contained within. And let’s not forget the TV, radio and magazine work. Oh, and the web-based duties to boot. It’s all good and here and now. So sure, let’s have ourselves a little bit of rasslin’ on a Monday. We could even arrange time for a monthly go-around on a Sunday, if the iCal will allow it. Sure, you might win, you might not… doesn’t matter, still getting paid… After all, Jericho’s climbed the highest mountain and found what he’s looking for, so he’s one up on poor ol’ nobby Bono.
And to put him in the ring with someone so similar and so different like John Cena? To have him react with such obvious joy and throw in a little bit of arrogant self-belief to boot? To add the undoubted joy of Christian to the mix? Oh yes, it was a great moment alright.
And really, isn’t the moment all that we need?
Hello, nasty
“I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”
On the other side of the good ship WWE, we saw Chris Benoit drafted to Smackdown. But in more important news, I’ve just booked my tickets for Batman Begins!!! Midnight screening opening thingie. Yes, I am that much of a comic book guy. I don’t even care for Batman that much anymore in the comic books, I’m just convinced that Christian Bale is going to own this role like Wheels owned the Superman role back in the day. He really is a whiny bitch in the comics nowadays, you know. Tim Sheridan has the details on the latest issue if you want more details. The movie though… oh, the movie will rock almost as much as Benoit.
I stopped writing there and went out for beer and chicken. And for Skittles, but I wound up with gravy instead. Don’t ask. Now I’m back and wondering what the hell I have to say about Benoit. The short answer is, not a whole hell of a lot. So instead, I thought I would ask Dr. Doom if he had any opinions on Benoit that he would like to share with the rest of the group. Doom?
Um, he’s obviously a bit preoccupied at the moment so we’ll just try again later on. The bottom line is that after the Cena bombshell they needed to move someone who was very popular but make the move substantially less controversial. Someone that could keep interest in a champion-less Smackdown, give people a bit of hope for the future and get a nice pop of his own to keep interest in the draft concept itself. If it was me, I would probably have gone for Shawn Michaels, but Benoit was also a very good pick – and one that surprisingly few people have predicted in the 18,987,756,023 prediction posts on the net in recent weeks. Now we have Benoit, Angle, Guerrero, Mysterio and London all on the same show and a seriously good chance of Benoit getting a second world title reign. Of course, any of those other guys could be sent over to Raw and Benoit could wind up feuding with Matt Morgan over a spilled cup of coffee, but in the here and now it’s all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.
“Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.”
ECW One Night Stand will happen this weekend and finally get out of my way. I think that I covered my feelings on the ECW diehards fairly thoroughly last week, and I’m far too bothered about my Curse to even consider laying into them again. So, let’s just play it nice and safe and take a look at the card…
The Thrill Seekers Explode Match
Lance Storm vs. Chris Jericho
For the life of me, I never really understood the fascination with Lance Storm that so many of the net columnists seem to have. Sure, he’s a good wrestler… but he’s not a great wrestler. He was just there, doing his thing, and it was all good and neat and tidy and perpendicular and about as radically exciting as an Ikea catalogue. Come on, at least Val Venis waved his tadger around. Is a little tadger waving really so beneath you, Lance? Are we so vain??? Still, at least we don’t have to worry about Justin Credible turning up… Please…
Midgets Don’t Cry Match
Rey Mysterio vs. Psychosis
Woo Hoo! You know when Homer thinks he’s going to see the little bear in the fez drive around on a little car but he’s actually going to the ballet? That’s gonna be me during this match. Look at the little bastard fly!! Woo Hoo!
If I Could Turn Back Time, If I Could Find A Way Match
Masato Tanaka vs. Mike Awesome
Potentially the single funniest match in terms of crowd reaction since the infamous Brock/Goldberg love-in, given what people have been saying about Mike Awesome returning to ECW for this show. I would waste my time pointing out that this isn’t ECW… I would waste my time pointing out that Awesome was never worth a f*cking damn in the first place and you deserve what you get for believing that he was… I would point out that there is no hope in hell for this match to even hope to live up to what was apparently a classic way back when… I would… but I already have done.
Vince McMahon’s Worst Nightmare Match
Super Crazy vs. Yoshihiro Tajiri vs. Little Guido
Go banana!
I Would Have Waited An Eternity For This Match
Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit
In some glorious alternative reality, this match headlined WrestleMania XXI. Then again, in some less-than-glorious alternative reality, WrestleMania XXI was headlined by Justin Timberlake vs. Eugene, so I’m really adept at stepping on my own points. It could be why I have such a big problem with gravity. But you know what? I’d even buy a TNA show if it meant that I could see Eddie and Benoit go one-on-one in a straight-up wrestling match, freed from all the political constraints of every single WWE PPV.
As an aside, there is something deeply strange when Snitsky and JBL are standing up for the purity of wrestling and Benoit is standing up for twatting folk on the head with garbage cans…
Drowning Pool Have A Lot Of Explaining To Do Match
The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer vs. The Dudley Boys
Fucked if I know, man. I’ve been staring at the screen for a good two minutes trying to figure out what to say about this match. Maybe Dr. Doom will care to enlighten us?
“You ask much, child. You may be an infuriating man, but you are an honest one. I find that quality refreshing. Continue to amuse me and you shall live.”
No, no, not me. I meant the match.
“You believe DOOM could be entertained by a ragtag collection of amateurs?? DOOM does not engage in fisticuffs, youth…”
Oh. Well, that’s… fine.
There are also expected to be some extra matches and/or segments involving the likes of Sabu and Stevie Richards, while Joey Styles and Mick Foley will be doing commentary duties. We can also look forward to Rob Van Dam having a nervous breakdown in the middle of the ring, or something like that. Oh, and a bunch of WWE guys. Yup.
“Look, all I’m saying is, if these big stars didn’t want people going through their garbage and saying they’re gay, then they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.”
Hardcore Homecoming happened.
Sigh…
“Dear Optimus Prime,
It does my weary heart good to once again make contact with you, Prime. I only wish that this latest correspondence could reach you under brighter circumstances. Regrettably, the planet Earth is once again in need of your stable leadership skills and all-encompassing wisdom in the face of overwhelming idiocy. This is a threat that has long simmered below the surface of our civilisation, yet today, in our darkest hour, it threatens to at long last spill over the edge and crush the innocent in its stupid wake. Only you have what it takes to once again bestow some semblance of sanity in a world gone mad. Only you may remove the weak, replenish the tired and restore the needy so that Shane Douglas and his ilk may never again threaten to sully the good name of humanity. Though the irony of basing the last vestiges of my hope on the Royal Mail delivering a letter quickly and efficiently is not lost on me, these are desperate times for us all, and for us all we require desperate measures. The effort of writing this has left me light of head and heavy of heart, and so I must away to the fridge for one more beer. I leave you with the battle cry that lights the eyes of all the believers I encounter – Save us, Optimus! Save us! May this letter find you in good health,
Your pal,
Iain”
“Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
TNA lost its TV deal with WGN.
This news makes me feel like celebrating. Let’s all bow down to the Curse!
Franklin’s favourite toy
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO… I am DOOM! I rule here! They were to have been DOOM’S toys and DOOM’S alone! You refuse to fear me, child? You should. You shall.”
Oh, shut up you crazy old goon.
By the way, I think that the above quote would explain A LOT about Jeff Jarrett and his strange little show…
“If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
Tombstone: The History Of The Undertaker DVD is a triple-disc set that will be out in August, and the lovely people at Silvervision have announced the match-listing. Here we are…
Disk 1:
Survivor Series 1991 vs. Hulk Hogan
Royal Rumble 1994 vs. Yokozuna
WrestleMania XII 1996 vs. Diesel
In Your House Buried Alive vs. Mankind
In Your House Revenge of Taker vs. Mankind
SummerSlam 1997 vs. Bret Hart
Extras:
– Undertaker attacks Hulk Hogan at the Funeral Parlour
– Undertaker builds a casket for Yokozuna
– Undertaker in the graveyard talking about Diesel
– Undertaker in the graveyard talking about Mankind
– Undertaker interrupts Mankind’s interview
Disk 2:
In Your House Ground Zero vs. Shawn Michaels
In Your House Badd Blood – Hell in a Cell Match vs. Shawn Michaels
WrestleMania XIV vs. Kane
Unforgiven 1998 – Inferno Match vs. Kane
King of the Ring 1998 – Hell in a Cell Match vs. Mankind
King of the Ring 1999 vs. The Rock
Extras:
– Undertaker interview about Shawn Michaels
– Undertaker talking to his parents’ tombstones
– Undertaker interview – Kane burns his parents’ tombstone
– Undertaker breaks into Paul Bearer’s house and mauls him
Disk 3:
Fully Loaded 1999 – First Blood Match vs. Stone Cold
WrestleMania XVII vs. Triple H
Judgment Day 2002 vs. Hulk Hogan
No Mercy 2002 – Hell in a Cell Match vs. Brock Lesnar
Vengeance 2003 vs. John Cena
Survivor Series 2003 – Buried Alive Match vs. Mr. McMahon
WrestleMania XX vs. Kane
Extras:
– Undertaker interview about Triple H
– Undertaker promo on Hulk Hogan
– Undertaker talking about the Hell in a Cell
– Undertaker in the graveyard promo on Mr. McMahon
I can’t believe they actually put the Judgement Day 2002 match with Hogan on a Best Of compilation… Still, on the whole it is probably about the best that they could hope for when trying to make such a compilation with The Undertaker, who impressively managed to make it all the way up to 1997 before having his first great match. Quite why they decided to go for a rather generous three-disc set is a bit of a mystery, especially since the likes of Benoit, Guerrero, Michaels, Foley, Austin, Hogan, Rock and, hell, everybody else bar Ric Flair never managed to make it that far. Still, I’m sure that there will be plenty of people willing to sit down and watch this. I would call them idiots, but then maybe I’m an idiot for buying the first season of The X-Files today… no, no, that’s not right. It’s not as though I bought the tenth season…
RANDOM STUFF:
Hatton returns, better late than never and just in time to get his weekly cheap plug from me. Those photos are just too f*cking scary, man.
Keith hates both wrestling and the Super Friends and invites you to share in the hating…
The Nexus crew keep busy by talking endlessly about the X-Men and pancakes and tangents.
Smith is a Music fella that I’ve never read before, but he joins in the Liam-praising and Bono-mocking, so he’s alright by me.
Kaye makes the world work by writing about The Transformers, ob la di, ob la da, life on goes on… Starscream was still a mincing mince-mincer though…
END CREDITS:
This column has been brought to you in conjunction with…
The Beatles – The Beatles
Dr. Doom
R.E.M. – The Best Of R.E.M.
AOL IM: KingKongBurnside
Iain Burnside is anxiously waiting on a reply from Cybertron any day now…
