Hi everyone. Welcome back for another edition of the Guide, written by your loveable yet damn overworked movie news guy. This week, I re-learned what it’s like to share a family compy, ditched Kern more times than I can count for newz, and got a taste of training for my upcoming full time job. Fun.
Real Life is Damn Entertaining
–Downing Street Memo – Heard about this yet? If not, I suggest – no, I insist, you read it. Then you go and find out even more information on it, as much as it takes for you to accept the fact it is real. This memo, from 2002, is proof that Bush lied and this War in Iraq is an unjust extension of that lie, planned ages before being revealed to the public. Bush knew in 2002 he was going to go into Iraq – he just didn’t tell any of us about it.
You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?
Turns out we do.
Wrestling – ECW! DRAFT! ECW! DRAFT! Nothing else, really…..
Games – I’ll buy a system for $299 dollars, but I will not pay more than $50 for a game. Period.
Music – I’m not a big music guy at all – I listen to a little bit of everything. But if YOU are big into this kinda thing, you’ll fit right in with this crew.
TV – Eh, it’s the summer. But don’t make the same mistake I did and DO NOT miss the 4400. Supposedly the best show on tv.
Sports – I don’t do sports, but these guys do, and they do a hell of a job too.
Comics -These guys make me want to start collecting and reading comics again. A fantastic section that you’d be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere.
Figures – Grown men play with/collect dolls/figures. And you do too. Or you will after you check these guys out. So read them, because they’re a very fun section of our site.
Newz You can Use – And We Abuse
You know the deal by now. J. Kern and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. We cover the bigger newz of the week, not only because there is an unbelieveable amount of newz on the net every week (much more than even I can cover here), but mostly because we’re lazy. More so him than me. Case in point, please join us in mid-conversation….
Norty: Wanna just hit all the X-men shit tonight?
Norty: Ratner, the ‘script’, and such
Kern: Sher
Norty: Okay
Norty: You up to speed on the situation?
Kern: Nope!
Norty: *Sigh*
Kern: If i knew what was going on, then i’d hardly need you, would i?
Norty: Very true — you wouldn’t have a job here at all would you? I mean really, a columnist? Don’t they have to like, put out a column now and then? You leech.
Kern: Please … i prefer the term “remorah” … much classier.
The X-Men Situation: A Disaster Before It Even Begins Filming
Well, it’s been insane with the “X” situation in the last week. To best sum it up: Director Matthew Vaughn called it quits on X-Men 3. He cited personal reasons, and it was later disclosed that it would just be too much commuting between Canada and London. Brett Ratner, who at one-time was attached to direct Superman Returns, has officially been tapped to helm the sequel. As for the sequel itself, it is said to be very controversial. “Three major characters that absolutely should not die, die. Really dead, too. Not Spock Dead. And one mutant who should not lose her powers, loses her powers permanently. Really loses them, too. Not SUPERMAN II loses them. And the sex scene… when you see who does what to who… oh, boy”.
Kern: Wow. Gratuitous (in the bad way) sex, pointless deaths and zero creative vision. At least it’s in keeping with the original comic! At least since Claremont’s first run … in ’85.
Norty: This is a disaster waiting to happen. I know it’s lame to be like, “Oh, this is gonna SUCK” a year before a movie is going to come out, but really, three directors? In a span of what, two months? This is absurd.
Kern: Do you see why i registered my fears for Batman Begins? This thing should be a slam dunk: two solid movies, interesting and diverse characters and a proven story for the third film. What do we get instead? Rush Hour 3 with SIR Ian McKellan as Jackie Chan and Patrick Stewart as Christ Tucker.
Norty: And what happens to Hugh Jackman? Or anyone else? How could they possibly feel about this? I mean, this is a joke. Let’s talk script. Three dead characters: what the FOOK is that all about?
Kern: It’s about marketing, which is all Hollywood is ever about. The first two X-Men were flukes: decent movies that slipped through the net. Somebody was watching Lost, saw the numbers spike when they advertised someone was dying in TV Guide and got a bright idea.
Kern: But what do you expect? That’s all Ratner knows. They should get him to direct the next Rambo. We’d have to sit through Stallone’s saggy nekkid butt, but on the plus side, there wouldn’t be any more sequels!
Norty: Flukes? What the hell? X-2 is hailed as one of the best comic movies ever, right behind Spiderman 2. How can you call it a fluke? I mean, yeah, it wasn’t perfect, but damn if it wasn’t good.
Kern: …it’s a fluke because it was a good movie that made it through the system designed to weed out quality. Pay attention, Norty, or i’ll send Ratner to do your biopic. i hear three of your family members die … but on the plus side, at least you’ll get to have sex for the first time!
Norty: With a mutant for the first time, you mean.
Kern: … whatever gets you through the night, man …
Norty: Yeah. Back on topic, I agree with you. It was a fluke they weren’t shafted sooner. Same with Spiderman. Soon to be Batman, and hopefully Superman. But it amazes me Fox has this hot property and is just hell bent on ruining it. Well, not so much…it IS Fox. Anyway. Who do you think they’ll off? Halle Berry is a given.
Kern: The great thing about the X-Men franchise is there’s so much cannon fodder. Frankly, it doesn’t matter how many people die or how many mutant boobies we see … the only way to save the franchise from the sterile clutches of Ratner is for Captain Picard to turn off the holosuite at the end of the movie and go have dinner in Ten-Forward with his wife, Suzanne Pleshette.
Norty: …….you’re pulling at straws. You realize this.
Norty: That ending would be worse than ANYTHING Ratner could pull out of his ass. And he will be pulling. A lot.
Kern: Hey, i’m not the one who admittedto having sex with mutants. Honestly, i think that’s pretty harsh to call your girlfriend that, but i guess you guys do things differently out there on the east coast.
Norty: What? Dude, focus, would you? You figure they’ll kill off Berry because she’s an annoying bitch for Fox in real life. Fine. Cyclops got all of five minutes in X-2, so he could be offed. But who else? Professor X? Wolvie? Magneto? Rogue? Mystique?
Kern: Famke dies in the comic. Angel too and i’ve seen him in promo stills. i heard that Frasier was cast as Beast; what’re the odds he’s gonna wanna stick around after seeing the dailies?
Norty: Low. Then again, throw enough money his away and he’ll give his voice up to X-10: Bringing Mutants to Life to Die Again. And yes, if they go Dark Phoenix, I’d bet they kill off Jean. Which is…..I dunno. I just don’t know. This is so bad. It kinda depresses the fan in me. And I mean fan on two levels: Movie fan, and comic fan.
Kern: i stopped reading X-men comics ten years ago. There was a time (sixth grade) when it was my dream to have a vanity plate that read “XMEN”. It’s been a loooooong hard life since then, but the one thing i never regretted was giving up on that overhyped, overmerchandised, constantly retconned, miserable piece of crap magazine.
Norty: Uh huh. So X-men suck, period? Bit ignorant to say considering you’ve ignored the last ten years of continuity.
Kern: Nerds are always part of a community of nerds. Just because i am no longer a
Norty: Fair enough I suppose. I’ve been in and out of the X-comics for years, but I’ve never had a huge problem with them. Sure, they get pillaged and some plot moves are stupid, but overall they’re not the worst thing in comics. And the films were great. They deserve better than Ratner.
Kern: X-Men are the Hollywood of comics. Endless sequels and useless iterations and out-of-continuity stories. All shekels, no art: that’s X-Men. Reading one’s about as entertaining as getting head from Charlie McCarthy.
Norty: Well, you mean, that’s what they’re about to turn into? I mean, I wouldn’t say that about 1 and 2 – they flowed nicely one into another.
Kern: i’m talking about the comics. The movies were fine, but as we can see we’re already moving down the path of wooden fellatio…
Norty: I just can’t say enough how much of a shame it is. But I guess we’re beating it to death for now. I’m sure we’ll talk more when we find out more about the cast and script. I just hope this never happens to Spidey or Bats.
Kern: Two words: Superman 4.
Norty: So you figure it’s inevitable?
Kern: As surely as the sun do shine … as surely as the bees do buzz … as surely as Norty tries to cover his pedophilia by insisting those jpgs are “just research”…
Norty: Indeed. I think we can let the topic stay here for now, eh toolbag?
Kern: Whatever you say, Mr. Glitter…
Halo in Theaters in 2007
A deal is taking shape at Universal Pictures and 20th Century Fox to bring the uber-selling video game Halo to the big screen. More….
Norty: Pardon me, I just joygasmed all over myself.
Kern: Typical. Halo’s a decent enough game, but the story is what makes it special. Good riddance to the meddling jackasses and DreamWorks, New Line and Warner Brothers. They probably wanted to turn it into an alien sex fest with Hillary Duff as Master Chief.
Kern: Now don’t get me wrong … i’ve got nothing against a smut romp with young flesh. But now that i’m older, i prefer my sex unfettered by things like MPAA ratings. And by that, obviously, i mean tranny porn.
Norty: I can see that. I have doubts about Fox (X-men and whatnot) but Universal and Fox together could be interesting. Not to mention the tactics Microsoft are taking with this film.
Norty: Ask me what tactics, Mr. Kern.
Kern: What tactics, Norty?
Norty: Picture this, if you can Kerny. You’re an exec at Warner Bros. You get your cup of coffee, sit at your desk, and decide on what teen angst-filled films you’ll be signing off on. Suddenly, MASTER CHIEF comes into your office, puts a script of Halo down in front of you, and refuses to leave until you read it! This happened at EVERY studio!
Kern: i’d ask to try his rail gun.
Kern: Personally, my guess is after the first three studios passed, Bill sent an email to the rest of the studios telling them that if they touched the story, he’d permanently blue-screen all their machines
Norty: I know you would. But these idiot studios passed on a film that will make so much money they could retire that weekend. And I am confident because Bungie has the Halo bible, and no hack director (Sucktard Michael Bay) is going to ruin it.
Kern: Good plot, my good friend, does not necessarily translate to solid script. Am i going to have to bring this up every week? PHANTOM MENACE. Is there a more fertile ground for awesomeness than the Star Wars universe? i humbly submit that there is not.
Kern: Halo could have the Holy Bible and Jebus himself directing and it could be sunk by a Lennon / Garant (Taxi, The Pacifier, Herbie: Fully Loaded) screenplay.
Norty: But it’s a Alex Garland script, and one Microsoft apparently has a hell of a lot of confidence in.
Kern: Microsoft has a lot of faith in Internet Explorer too … guess how much that factored into my decision to switch to Firefox?
Norty: Ie doesn’t equal a cash cow.
Norty: Halo is the future for both X-Box consoles and Microsoft film.
Kern: i’m sorry? IE isn’t a cash cow? You realize every monopoly case that went to trial with them was over IE, right?
Norty: ? How is a free service a cash cow?
Kern: Besides … they’re wrong about IE and that’s what they’re good at. Why would i trust their taste in movies?
Norty: Nevermind, we’ll chat about that before I make myself look MORE stupid. Halo will hopefully be good.
Trailer of the Week: The Island
The plot: Lincoln Six-Echo (McGregor) is a resident of a seemingly utopian but contained facility in the mid-21st century. Like all of the inhabitants of this carefully controlled environment, Lincoln hopes to be chosen to go to the “The Island,” reportedly the last uncontaminated spot on the planet. But Lincoln soon discovers that everything about his existence is a lie. He and all of the other inhabitants of the facility are actually human clones whose only purpose is to provide “spare parts” for their original human counterparts. Realizing it is only a matter of time before he is “harvested,” Lincoln makes a daring escape with a fellow resident named Jordan Two-Delta (Johansson). Pursued by the forces of the institute that once housed them, Lincoln and Jordan engage in a race for their lives to literally meet their makers.
The Link: Here
The Analysis:
Scotty Sawitz: In an era of remakes and sequels, here comes Michael Bay basically re-doing Logan’s Run except with bigger explosions and Steve Buscemi. Yawn. It was quite the awesome trailer, I admit, but this is going to be like every other Michael Bay movie out there. Just take a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, take some second-tier actors, and insert bad dialogue and worse acting. Scarlett Johansen does look awfully tasty tho, so it could be worth the price of the matinee.
Mikey McCullar: Michael Bay gives me the willies. I don’t think the guy could order a Big Mac from Mickey D’s without about 9 quick cuts and the takeout order box exploding. That said, the premise for The Island does look intriguing. He’s got some good actors, but then again he’s had good actors before and managed to f*ck thm up every time. I’m really not sure about this. I should be feeling more excited, but…it’s Michael Bay! Where’s Kern? He can break down how Bay is the 3rd sign of the Apocalypse.
Tommy D’Errico: I’ve been looking forward to this movie for a while: it’s an intriguing plot with some solid actors. While the director’s previous work is making other staffers apprehensive, I’d rather look forward (as I am) to the release and be disappointed in something like the directing after the fact, then dread the potential for the bad before I get a chance to enjoy the movie. (Note: very rarely is it solely a case of bad directing that turns me off of a movie. Once the directing is bad, there’s a slew of other things to get added to the list to turn me off of a movie. Like I said, this one looks good to me so here’s hoping…)
Robby Sutton: So I’m usually inclined to just declare Michael Bay the devil and write him off completely as a director. His films are pompous, bloated popcorn epics that believe they are entertaining when in fact, they’re usually quite tedious. Armageddon is the absolute definition of over the top, manipulative, sophomoric Hollywood film making. Pearl Harbor is the Armageddon of War Movies. Bay constantly compensates for a crappy script with more explosions. On the other hand his films always have that “look” about them. It’s like you could take any frame of his work and make a postcard out of them. And two words are conspicuously missing when I see this trailer; Jerry Bruckheimer. As much as I’ve hated his Bay’s movies (except The Rock, which I always put under my love for Bond and Bond-type flicks), I’ve always wondered how much of the crappiness can be attributed to Bruckheimer himself. While Bruckheimer has had a hand in some good films (Blackhawk Down, Pirates of the Caribbean), most his resume is fill with macho crapfests (Con Air, Gone in 60 Seconds). As for The Island itself, I love the cast (that Ewan McGregor guy was great in something recently) and I like the Logan’s Run/ THX type premise. It could be crap, but I have to say that if I hadn’t seen “FROM THE DIRECTOR OF ARMAGEDDON” in the trailer, I would be really looking forward to it. I know I’ve written way too much about this. Sorry Norty.
Badass, Rob. You can never write too much for this column (Just ask Kern). Good stuff as usual from these guys.
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
High Tension – Man, I am SO jealous of McCullar. This flick isn’t playing ANYWHERE near me this weekend, and that pisses me off to no end. I was so AMPED to see this, and we get the shaft. Story of my life. Anyway, Mikey calls it a classic and says it is what Saw tried to be. Damn it! Go read it, and then go see this flick if it’s anywhere near you.
Lords of Dogtown – A pretty lame look at people who defined a sport, according to Scott Sawitz. It comes off as average and that seems like a shame, given the material it is covering. You can learn more about it in Scotty’s excellent review.
It’s All Gone, Pete Tong – Arturo Garcia can easily recommend this film, as it’s a fine heir to the mock-rock tradition of those that came before it.
On DVD
Be Cool – Take a good idea, get the best cast you can, and shoot a film. Sound good? Unfortunately, this one is a disappointment, due mainly to an incredibly small amount of time being spent on each character. But, read it for yourself and find out why this is far from “Cool”.
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events – Mr. DVD, Travis Leamons, sits down with this Jim Carrey film and, to my surprise, turns it off very satisfied and content. Guess the film wasn’t as bad as critics made it out to be, which is awesome. I’ve come to trust Travis’ taste in film, and I’ll definitely consider checking this out. Read his review to find out if you’re in the same boat.
We Even Do Columns!
Matt Coates submits, for your reading pleasure, another Holistic DVD Column. #12 this week, to be exact. He covers Flash Gordon and Time Bandits this week. Then he gives some more thoughts on both after his analysis, and, well, really, if you haven’t checked him out yet, now’s as good a time as any. He really writes some good, fun stuff, and…well, it’s just good! So read him! Now!
Rob Sutton has a really great, Bad Ass flick this week KHAAAAAAANN!!!!!!!!! . There’s nothing else I can say, really….
Brad Torreano returns this week for Mondo Culto XXVIII. I suppose the best way to sum it up would be that he takes a look at the must-see videos based on Christian cult-like situations. It’s another powerful and brilliant, plus entertaining column from the man, the myth, the Culto.
Rob Russo continues to Set the Trend. He looks at that lovely little piece of technology, the DVD. It’s been a good decade for sure, and it’s great that some people have TONS of the badboys, but what happens when Blu-Ray and HD-DVD hit? Re-stock the collection all over again? Hells bells……
The End
Batman Begins next week. Words cannot describe my excitement. What Star Wars is for most of the Movies Staff, Batman is to me. It’s been a long wait, but it’ll be worth it. So worth it. See you all next week after Batman.
Until Next Time…
