Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Dean Easy Milk, which is 100% fat-free and lactose-free, and easier to digest than regular milk. The other day I was forced to drink this because we didn’t have any unhealthy milk left in the fridge, and while it’s not bad, it’s got an odd flavor. It tastes like skim milk when you’ve poured it on corn flakes and are drinking that last little bit left in the bottom that has picked up the taste of the cereal. However, it still beats soymilk…
Reader Daniel Atari writes…
I was thinking, since this is Bobby Brown’s 17,690,478 lifetime arrest, it’s hard to figure the number of crimes he has NOT been locked up for. NASA tells me those results are pending.
I don’t think he’s ever been found guilty of cannibalism. That’s the only one I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others.
From regular Shane Beasley…
This may not be news to you, but it was *certainly* news to me. If you go to the Ishkur’s Guide to Electronic Music, click Techno, then VGM, and play song #5, the David Whittaker theme to the Commodore 64 game Lazy Jones. It should sound familiar, and moreover, should make you want to kick someone squarely in the junk. As if I didn’t hate that song enough already, I think it just sank to a record low.
Oh, this is just ghastly; I had to hold a giant wad of paper towels to my face to keep blood from spurting out of my nose. On the other hand, I’d really like to see what happens if you were bust out the David Whittaker track at your run-of-the-mill, shiny shirt, fake tan, pop techno club. It would be awesome to see the initial mark-out, followed by the realization that something’s not quite right.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Oasis’ Liam Gallagher recently chastised the members of U2 for making it a point to film and later view every single one of their performances. He made his comments after learning this, in addition to the fact that the band opted out of the 2005 Glastonbury festival because they weren’t going to be given any control of the editing of the broadcast of their performance. “Wankers. Haven’t they got f*ck-all better to do? I’d rather be out getting pissed. I certainly wouldn’t go back after a gig and analyze it. No wonder they’re the biggest band in the world… ‘Oh Edge, the fourth guitar solo wasn’t right tonight’. ‘Oh sorry, Bono’. If that’s what people think rock ‘n’ roll is…”
After hearing his abrasive commentary, The Saturday Swindle Sheet sent one of our ace reporters to London, and he caught up with Gallagher at a bar in Leicester Square to see what he had to say about some of our staff members. We sat down with him in an effort to blatantly rip-off Entertainment Weekly‘s “5 Rounds With…” feature.
First Round: Six pints of Carlsberg
SSS: “That_Bootleg_Guy.”
Gallagher: “Wanker. I’d rather be out getting pissed. One time I went to a Chelsea game and got absolutely langers. I broke my foot off in some geezer’s bum. The new Oasis album is the greatest thing since the last Oasis album. If you don’t buy it you’re a cunt.”
Second Round: Double Bushmill’s
SSS: “Shawn M. Smith.”
Gallagher: “Wanker. I’d rather be out getting pissed. Have you ever had a bottle broken over your head?”
SSS: “No.”
Gallagher: “Wanker. I’d rather be out getting pissed. I mean proper steamed. My brother is the biggest twat in England, and our band is better than any other band to ever exist. The new Coldplay is absolute knickers.”
Third Round: Double Bushmill’s with a Midleton neat chaser
SSS: “Tom D’Errico.”
Gallagher: “Wanker. I’d rather be out getting pissed. You all wish you were me. You wish you were cool like me. Bollocks! Bloody bollocks! The American dollar is taking a shit! I eat baked beans for breakfast! I wash it down with warm Boddington’s! Fucking twat!”
Fourth Round: A large boot filled with Guinness and Jameson
SSS: “Gloomchen.”
Gallagher: “Wanker. I’d rather be out getting pissed. What the f*ck is this shit I’m drinking?”
SSS: “It’s a boot filled with Guinness and Jameson.”
Gallagher: “I ordered this? You f*cking git! Your country is too dumb for Countdown! If they had Countdown in the States everybody would be confused. Hey, go get me a sandwich… Wanker! Wanker! I’d rather be out getting… (falls asleep)
Fifth Round: An entire bottle of Midleton and a 2-liter bottle of Strongbow
SSS: “Kyle David Paul.”
Gallagher: “Who are they? Wankers! I’d rather be out getting pissed! Twisted! Oy! This is a proper piss-up. Who the f*ck is InsidePulse? You’re a bunch of f*cking tossers! Remember when I kicked in Shane MacGowan’s teeth? Want to know what’s on my iPod? Your mother!”
That sucked. Sorry. Read this and this.
NEWS TO USE
Several weeks of off-the-record insults and an unraveling “truce” between The Game and his former compatriots 50 Cent and G-Unit culminated in an abrasive vitriol at last Sunday’s Hot 97 Summer Jam in New Jersey, when The Game unloaded and let all of his venom fly. His set started with two men dancing behind him, one wearing a rat suit and the other a gorilla suit, and both wore G-Unit t-shirts, as they were humorous pummeled by The Game’s entourage. The crowd mildly rumbled as he shouted, “G-G-G-U-NOT!” and “Fuck 50,” before performing abridged versions of “Love It or Hate It” and “This Is How We Do,” and inviting the entire G-Unit crew, name by name, to fellate him. He later added, “I don’t follow suit like faggot ass [Tony] Yayo,” and said that he’d be happy to “knock out” Yayo and Lloyd Banks, and was ashamed of 50 Cent for making out with Paul Oakenfold.
Singer Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age recently pled no contest to having beaten the shit out of Blag Dahlia (of rock band Dwarves) while at the Dragonfly in Los Angeles last November. According to the Los Angeles Superior Court, Homme was sentenced to 36 months probation, along with an undisclosed amount of community service, and 60 days of drug and alcohol counseling and extensive anger management counseling. Homme also had to pay for the defendant’s medical (and legal) bills, and a restraining order was subsequently filed to keep him at least 100 yards away from Dahlia at all times.
Recently departed bassist Frankie Poullain, of The Darkness, told reporters this week that the band’s upcoming album was co-written by him and “is incredible. … I’m convinced it is destined to be a huge success.” However, the other band members later released a statement saying that Poullain had no part of the album, and that guitarist Dan Hawkins played all of the bass on the album. [Poullain] had yet to participate in the recording of the album when his exit from the band was announced,” the band said, “so no re-recording of bass parts will be necessary.” When reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet tracked down Poullain on London’s High Street Kensington and confronted him with this statement, he pointed off into the distance and when the reporter looked he ran away.
Quick Bits
Pink Floyd has officially announced that they will be reuniting to play for the upcoming Live 8 series. The band will perform on July 2 at Hyde Park in London.
Rapper Young Buck, of 50 Cent’s G-Unit group, will be arraigned on assault charges at a Los Angeles Superior Court on Tuesday, after allegedly stabbing a man at last November’s Vibe Awards. A donnybrook erupted after Jimmy James Johnson punched Dr. Dre in the face, and Johnson was stabbed moments later.
Isaac Hayes, Steve Cropper, John Fogerty, Bill Withers, and David Porter were among several inductees into the Songwriters Hall of Fame at a ceremony on Thursday. Alicia Keys and Les Paul were also honored with special awards for the up-and-coming Starlight Award and the Sammy Cahn Lifetime Achievement Award, respectively.
The Cash family has put the 7-bedroom Nashville home of the late Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash up for sale, with a price tag of $2.9 million.
The Clear Channel Music Group is offering fans of the Backstreet Boys who buy their tickets on AOL CityGuide an extra two free tickets for every two purchased. The free tickets will be for the lawn or mezzanine and will have no surcharges applied to them.
Renfield Records plans to release a tribute album later this year in honor of rock band Failure, and has confirmed that Deftones, A Perfect Circle, Poison the Well, Melissa Auf Der Maur, and Cave In will all contribute. Cave In sucks.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Underground Inc…
Many of you didn’t get a chance to grab the shirts you wanted during the tour. We have them now in our webstore and we want to give you 20% off . Use the code “TOUR20” (Must be all caps no spaces!). There were a few shirts that weren’t added to the merch booth until the last week of the tour including the I Heart Drugs shirt and Pigface Soccer Jersey! Definitely more to come!… Save 20% Now!
From Astralwerks…
The 101ers, Elgin Avenue Breakdown
Before The Clash, Joe Strummer was the lead vocalist/guitarist in a gritty, R&B-styled London pub band called the 101ers. The 101ers mark a key point in the development both of Joe Strummer’s own musical sensibilities and also of the burgeoning punk scene.
Named after the number of the squat they were living at in North-West London, the 101ers became one of the most exciting live acts in London thanks to their brand of full-tilt rock’n’roll. Word spread so that at wherever local pub they played they were guaranteed a huge crowd without having to even print flyers. “The thrill of discovering old blues numbers and playing them to people and making them groove – to us it was new and exciting.” – Joe Strummer
Within a year Strummer had been poached from the 101ers to join a new band, The Clash.
Released after the break-up of the band, 101er’s only album Elgin Avenue Breakdown had a pressing of 2,000 vinyl copies and has since only been available as a bootleg. It now appears for the first time ever on CD, expanded to include every studio track the band ever recorded as well as bristling, never before released live tracks. One listen will convince you that it was with the 101ers that Strummer honed the skills later used in the Clash.
The Juan Mclean, Less Than Human
Astralwerks is proud to announce the first two releases from the brand new partnership with DFA Records. The debut album from The Juan Maclean, Less Than Human, will be released on July 12th. “Tito’s Way,” the first single from the album, will be released on July 26th. “Tito’s Way,” itself a natural dancefloor Kalashnikov, is backed with a comprehensive mix package courtesy of Booka Shade, Lindstrom and Prins Thomas mix, Reverso 68 and a special remix from 41 Small Stars a.k.a. Adrock of The Beastie Boys.
Tucked away in his newly adopted home of New Hampshire, Maclean creates tracks twinged with doom and glory; pulling singular life experiences and far-out, mechanical inspirations into the mix. This former member of Six Finger Satellite aligns metallic synths, cowbells, samplers and even “robot stuff” (e.g. ‘Shining Skinned Friend’ & overall glimmering dynamics), which pass from one state to another.
Less Than Human, recorded at Juan’s home and Plantain Studios, was mixed and produced by the DFA and Juan Maclean. This advantageous pairing led to the successes of tracks like “Give Me Every Little Thing” and the general re-ignition of Juan’s enthusiasm for music. Less Than Human is a precision-tuned rekindling of Maclean’s love affair with everything from Kraftwerk to Juan Atkins and Derrick May, Funkadelic to Giorgio Moroder and Lipps Inc, DAF to Talking Heads and Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Dr. Dooom, “Leave Me Alone”
Nancy Sinatra, “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)”
Geto Boys, “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta”
Pigface, “Alles Ist Mein”
U.N.K.L.E., “Lonely Soul” [f/Richard Ashcroft]
At the Drive-in, “One Armed Scissor”
Os Mutantes, “Baby”
Transplants, “Romper Stomper”
Gipsy Kings, “Bamboleo”
Slick Rick, “Street Talkin'” [f/Big Boi]
Friends of Distinction, “Grazing in the Grass”
Joe Cocker, “Feelin’ Alright”
R.E.M., “Bang and Blame”
Covenant, “Dead Stars”
Elvis Presley, “Return to Sender”
The Kinks, “You Really Got Me” [BBC Session]
The Mooney Suzuki, “Half of My Heart”
Elton John, “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”
Cypress Hill, “Loco en el Coco”
Pet Shop Boys, “Suburbia” (Rmx)
Jay-Z, “Change Clothes” [f/Pharrell Williams]
KMFDM, “Vogue”
The Motels, “Only the Lonely”
Marilyn Manson, “The Beautiful People”
Kool G Rap, “Fast Life” [f/Nas]
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
The UK’s Sophos company is warning computer users to beware of a Trojan horse that has been disguised as a chain e-mail notification of a supposed Michael Jackson suicide attempt. The e-mail, which is usually titled “Re: Suicidal aattempt” [sic], contains an attached “suicide note” which simultaneously downloads a virus that f*cks your computer in the ass as your read the phony letter.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
