The Midnight News 06.13.05


Hi-attt You’re very entertaining, but f*ckin either write a weekely column or stop alltogether. goddamn get your shit together, you cannot be THAT busy.

James Gilmore

Sure I can. I’m very, very important. Those bedpans aren’t cleaning themselves, y’know.

Stop it. Please.

You’ve obviously given up and don’t give a shit anymore.

Stop wasting bandwidth.

Mike O’Brien

Ohhh I have not yet BEGUN to waste bandwidth!!

Hello Whitebellies, I’m Chris and welcome to the Midnight News. I took a week out last week to prepare for something… to preare for something for YOU, my dwindling audience… ready?

What’s today? June 13th… well June 13th is the kick-off…

Ladies and Gentlemen… my close, personal friends… as a gift to you, for years of loyal readership… for years of following me from site to site, from column to column, from meltdown to meltdown… I give you one last gift…

From June 13th to Sept 5, Labor Day I give you The Summer of Hyatte… 12 weeks of columns… 12 weeks of FRESH… UNINTERRUPTED… BRAND NEW EDITIONS OF THE MIDNIGHT NEWS!!

July 4th? I’m here. Dog days of August? I’m there. Vacations? NO! I’m here… sweating my ass off… for you… for YOU, YA’ TWERPS!!!

And to wrap it up… on Labor Day, 2005… the looooong awaited… And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night

Oh just you WAIT

And off we go…


Last night was One Night Stand, which I watched but REFUSE to recap… there are 9 billion recaps out there, read a few… or better yet, watch the damn show, you goofs. Make an assessment for yourself…

A few weeks ago, I TOLD you that this wasn’t going to be an ECW show… it was going to be an HOMAGE to ECW… which it was, a show of respect… a look back… a trip down nostalgia lane.

Oh, and somewhere in there, it became a damn show… a GOOD damn show.

AND like I said… all these net assholes who made their gravy AND their reps on ECW, who were whining and moaning about how McMahon CAN’T run an ECW show because he doesn’t UNDERSTAND ECW and that the whole thing would be a giant slap in the face to the FANS… yeah, they all did a HUGE about face and basically creamed themselves over how WELL-BOOKED the show was! Oh dear, McMahon did it AGAIN… he DEFIED EXPECTATIONS!!

OF these net creeps, the biggest is Dave Scherer… who grumbled about this PPV from the get-go… ONLY because he couldn’t get in for free like he used to.

(Funny thing about Scherer is that since his old boss Bob Ryder helped out with the OTHER show over the weekend, the Hardcore Heaven show, Dave had to make a quick excuse about “family business” to explain why he wasn’t going to THAT show either… f*ckin’ Scherer… always bragging about how lucrative and successful his website is, yet can’t seem to come up with the dollars to pay for anything. Bitch tittied old fart… why won’t he just die already?)

Anyway, on with some notes and opinions of the show:

-“Lionheart” Chris Jericho looked bored and eager to do his match and run like hell back to whatever hootchie he had waiting for him

-Dawn Marie picked the WRONG time to ignore the broken condom… that Hulk Hogan feather boa she had didn’t hide diddly squat…

-However, there is nothing cuter than a pregnant tummy on a hot body. When I knock up Stratus I’ll post pictures.

-I wonder if Justin Credible got in trouble for blowing off his shift at Target to work this show?

-Why was Marlon Brando in the “Dead Guy” video? Because he was extremely HUNGRY??? Heh, heh heh heh.. ha ha ha.. ho ho ho… IT’S THE SUMMER OF HYATTE, YOU LUCKY FAGS!!

-I don’t know half those people who died

-People are already grumbling about the omissions of Louie Spicolli, Brian Pillman, and Eddie Gilbert… Eddie Gilbert died 100 years ago, FORGET HIM

-The three way dance was long enough to remind me of the times I used to ignore these sort of matches when I was Mopping Up Nitro. Heh, fun times.

-It ain’t no FBI without “Wildfire” Tommy Rich… sorry, but it just ain’t.

-Shane Douglas should have been there…. selling WWE merchandise, the loser.

-Well, okay… he should have been allowed to cut a promo… then have the Coach come out and punk him… but a Douglas “I hate everything about this business as I hang on its arse hairs” promo would’ve really confused skeptics who were waiting for McMahon to ruin things.

-Mysterio don’t need this nonsense anymore… he’s got a cushy Smackdown gig, a lot of money, and Vince likes him. He can stop killing himself for these dickheads.

-Kurt Angle is slowly but surely becoming as unstable as Scott Steiner, and I don’t think its a WORK!!. Them ‘roids… they are DANGEROUS.

-JBL is the best damn character in wrestling… period. Everything he says and does is spot-on PERFECT for his character.

-What the hell was RVD yammering about? I guess it’s the “greatest promo of his career”… I’m sure it’ll earn him a nice, long series of job-outs to Matt Morgan and Carlito.

-I LOVE that that Amish dork was back on camera for the first time in 5 years and lasted all of 4 seconds before they cut to JBL… HA!!! IT’S VINCE’S WORLD AND YOU JUST MARK IN IT!!!

-One thing that bothered me was that Eddie made no attempts to get out of the Crossface, or even sell it much. He just lied there for a minute, arm casually on the mat, then tapped.

-Joel Gertner begging Bischoff for a job was made funnier only because the poor slob might still be living in his Miata… the boy needs WORK, PEOPLE!!!

-Mike Awesome didn’t do a damn thing 99% of you wouldn’t have done. Just because Joey Styles fears money doesn’t mean you should.

-And Awesome ended up having the best match of the night with… oh I’m not looking up that Japanese name… I’m sure there are a lot of vowels in it.

-Heyman… he should’a said, “Tod Gordon swallows monkey spunk”…

-Heyman… the WWE boys he shot on sort of ruined his promo with their complete no-sell of it.

-Edge is an asshole… real life now…. I really think he has ZERO regret for stealing someone’s girlfriend and abandoning wife #2.

-I think, as revenge and to become a true locker room leader, Cena should seduce Lita. Oh she would be ALL OVER his shit.

-I also think, actually, I HOPE, Cena stays away from Stratus… I don’t need to think of those two together.


-The Dudleys vs Dreamer and Sandman… the last match at 10 pm on a show that’s set to end a little bit before 11. You sort of knew that this would be a giant mess.

-Stevie Richards ain’t gonna recover from the last 2 years of jobber city on just one retro-promo

-The Blue Meanie… all fat again… this is the power of pussy… he dates a porn star and gets real skinny, she flakes on him and he eats himself into oblivion… lesson to all you fatties: Get a girl WAY beyond your class to like you and you WILL find motivation that you never thought existed before.

-I saw pictures of Beaulah getting it both up the pooper and in the chooch…. AT THE SAME TIME… and I believe one of them was a BLACK DUDE… this is the ONLY thing I see whenever she shows up on screen.

-No one screams like Dreamer

-So the whole thing ends and Austin comes out… which made this a WWE show officially… he invites the WWE boys to come on down and both sides square off

-And Bischoff sits in on commentary… and he and Styles were HILARIOUS… THERE’S YOUR DAMN RAW BROADCAST TEAM!!!

-Angle and Taz… two men, two VERRRRY unique approaches to bulking up… two VERRRRRY different results.

-And then… to make this pretty much the worst night in his life… the Blue Meanie, showing the WORLD how depressed he is after the porn star left him by pounding down the twinkies… gets the ever living SHIT beat out of him… fo real… by JBL. The boy was just WRECKED…. good lord.

-Then Foley dragged Bischoff over where he was knocked around a bit then Austin finished him… then the Dudleys tossed him out. Trish Stratus no longer has the honor of having the most humiliating thing done to a person on WWE TV (“ruff ruff”)… please, guys… leave Bischoff alone. You have your pound of flesh… he’s STILL walking around with his head held high. You ain’t gonna break him… he’s got more money than God still.

I liked this show… I liked the bad production values. I like the break from the high-gloss WWE show. I like that ECW is dug up from the grave while TNA doesn’t even have a TELEVISION CONTRACT!!! I like the whole “Let’s go out there and get messy just for the sake of getting messy” attitude. It reminded me why I was a wrestling fan for the last decade.

And after a few weeks of WWE high-gloss, I’ll forget the feeling, I’m sure.

I told you assholes it woulf be a great show… dammit, listen to Hi-8… I know my shit.



Because he’s dumb enough, and arrogant enough to think he can glom onto the PPV, Shane Douglas ran his own “Hardcore nostalgia” show last Friday. A lot of the guys who worked Sunday were there… and probably shell-shocked that they actually got two days worth of work for the first time in years “Jesus, I feel like a wrestler again!!”

Oh like I went… come on, it’s ME.

Oh, like I’m gonna recap it… come on, it’s ME.

BUT… I do have some inside sources who told me what went on at the ECW arena on that balmy Friday night… sources who were… BACKSTAGE…

Here are some things overheard at Shane Douglas’s “Hardcore Heaven”:

“Why is my check written on toilet paper?”


“Where are the f*cking rats?”

“Why the hell did I agree to come back to Philly?”

“Since when is Jeremy Borash hardcore? He takes it up his ass dry or something?”

“Shane’s cutting a promo, anyone wanna go see Revenge of the Sith now?”

“No Tammy, it’s Sweet & Low”

“You promised Vince would be here!!”


“Man, Terry Funk looks GOOO… oh wait, that’s Francine.”

“No Mr Funk, I don’t know where your leg is. Maybe you left it at the hotel room.”

“The plan is to poke ourselves with barbed wire so McMahon will hire us and push us like he did to Orton after he landed on the thumbtacks.”

“Hey look, Sabu sneezed and 9 old wounds opened up!”

“I don’t care how large your penis is, Mr. Gordon”

“Candido’s in heaven? Yeah, right.”

“No way in HELL, Joey Styles would do the WWE PPV, not after years of swearing he wouldn’t”

“Man, you assholes haven’t missed many meals, have you?”

“I’M HARDCORE!! Now where did I put the Ben-Gay?”

“Whattaya mean Borash is shooting the DVD with a Nokia phone cam?”

“First Vince will see me work, then he’ll hire me, then I’ll f*ck Trish until she falls in love with me, then I’ll sit pretty off her millions! THAT’S THE PLAN, SON!!”

“Man Mr Funk sure looks worn dow… oh, wait, that’s Foley!”

“This will be a show that EVERYONE WILL TALK ABOUT… right until Sunday’s show on TV, then we’ll be forgotten. Smart thinking, Douglas!”

And so it goes…


And finally…

Because it t’was THE weekend for “rasslin”… the Ring of Honor ran a show i New York on… Saturday, I think… maybe Sunday afternoon…

And because ROH is all about “special guests”, they let Shane Douglas come out to cut a promo on how the WWE can NOT put on an ECW show even with Paul Heyman and Tommy Dreamer running it… and if the fans were really, REALLY lucky he might toss in a few bon mots about how Flair and McMahon and Scott Hall ruined his career (casually omitting the part where he tried to make Rob Black’s porn fed credible)…

But word has it, Douglas didn’t get to say much… for you see, the Ring of Honor crowd booed him out of the building.

He even went out there a second time… and had Samoa Joe personally endorse him to the crowd… they STILL booed him.

Why did they boo him? Why would a crowd of Ring of Honor fans… supporters of the most famous “underground” indy fed there is… boo a life-long “I’m a wrestler, not an entertainer” veteran like Shane Douglas?

Could it be that they know that Douglas as a crybaby?

Could it be that they know Douglas would run right to Vince’s tit the minute milk was offered to him?

Could it be that they know Douglas is his own greatest fan?

Could it be that they know that Douglas’s promos, as articulate as they are, are also stuffy, long-winded, and 85% pointless?

Could it be that they respect Flair more than Douglas could possibly imagine?

Could it be that they know Douglas has resorted to bumming around TNA looking for handouts from sympathetic bookers?

Could it be that Shane Douglas may very well be the most overrated worker to ever lace on the boots?

Could it be that, if he could, he would’a married Stephanie Mcmahon in a heartbeat?

Or could it be they know that Shane Douglas… when it’s all said and done… was never much of a wrestler to begin with?

It doesn’t matter… they booed his ass out of the building. They did something that should have been done a long time ago. They told him to shut the hell up.

Bravo, ROH fans. Bra-f-ing-o


I, for one, am so sick and tired of all these IDIOTS claiming that the Brand Extension should be discontinued and re-combined. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good reason why the Brand Extension is THE BEST THING THE WWE HAS DONE IN YEARS (other than hire Stratus), and why useless sheet writers like Wade “I shave my ass” Keller and worthless net writers like Dave “I wax my bitch tits” Scherer have shown their TRUE “intelligence” by holding onto this cheap, rushed, complaining for the sake of complaining ideal.

Pay attention and you’ll understand why you dumb f*cking sheep are listening to morons.

The Brand Split Is Better For You Because…

The WWE reps at the ECW PPV would’nt had had those flashy blue and red shirts to add color to the show!!



*Babies’ eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.


Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:


Don King?

Don King? He don’t book a loser. Never. Ever. And when he does, he just goes to the other side. Love him. He is the epitome of what America is all about. His greatest move is knowing which bandwagon to get on. You see him on the TV, or at the fights. Whoever the loser guy is King walks right over him to get to the winner. Whoever the winner is, there’s Don King right next to him. Only in America. If an asshole like him can succeed, why can’t you?

Flea, who didn’t use the word “asshole”.


I have, for the most part, adopted the Scooter Keith policy on being on AIM.

That being: I’m buddy list only for 90% of the time.

Why? So I won’t have to deal with nonsense like this:

XxMFB2DxX: idea for T-shirts. “AC aint COOL!!”. opinion?
Hyatte1com: Air Conditioning? Atlantic City?
XxMFB2DxX: Adam Copeland
XxMFB2DxX: :-D
Hyatte1com: gay

XxMFB2DxX: really??
XxMFB2DxX: why?
Hyatte1com: because it mixes brands… and wrestling shirts are for losers again
XxMFB2DxX: soooo, dude, the draft is coming up and the brands are gonna be mixed anyway
XxMFB2DxX: I think it rocks, and its not a “wrestling” shirt
Hyatte1com: the hell it ain’t
Hyatte1com: it’ll have a WWE logo on
Hyatte1com: and who the f*ck wants to wear an Edge shirt?

XxMFB2DxX: when I first asked your opinon your first question was Air Conditioning? Atlantic City?
XxMFB2DxX: and it aint gonna have a WWE logo on it
XxMFB2DxX: it’ll just say AC aint Cool

Hyatte1com: air conditioning is cool tho’
Hyatte1com: Atlantic City is cool
XxMFB2DxX: yeah, air conditiong rocks….. I dont know bout Atlantic City though 8-)
XxMFB2DxX: :-

Hyatte1com: t-shirts that declare something as “cool” or “ain’t cool” is not cool in the slightest
XxMFB2DxX: depends on where you from and how you take it
Hyatte1com: no, it’s a universal thing
XxMFB2DxX: well I’ll agree to disagree then
Hyatte1com: that ain’t cool either
XxMFB2DxX: 8-)

Oh…. ICK!!

People… leave me alone with your nonsense, PLEASE… that includes my fellow IP writers.


No “LOL”s either…. for chrissakes… you are NOT “Laughing Out Loud” and even if you were, I don’t need to know it.

And just because I know Stratus (or a really good impersonater), don’t f**king even TRY to snuggle up to me and be my buddy. I’ll put you down like a mutt.

Oh, and one more thing… for the record and because I do NOT want to leave ANY DOUBT about this… listen to me very, very carefully…

I have not, and will not… under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER use the word “Fucktard”… if you think you’re talking to me in disguise or if someone is pretending to be me and the word “f*cktard” is used, then rest assured, it’s not me.

I have a vocabulary… I use colorful CREATIVE ways of cursing people out… my curses are works of ART… “f*cktard” is something unimaginative simpletons who cannot TOUCH me in terms of intelligence use. Capito? Bueno.



Special feature, kids… a few of my own personal favorite cuts from One Night Stand

01): YOU SUCK DICK!!– The crowd


02): I got a ticket you little Mexican!– JBL

03): I’m not crying, my eyes are just red from smoking a joint in the back with RVD– Heyman

04): I’ve been waiting a long time to say this to you, Eric Bischoff. In case you didn’t notice, it’s not Paul Heyman with his tail between his legs going to a WCW pay-per-view. You are in our house, BITCH!– Heyman to Bischoff

05) Wait a minute, hide your wives, it’s Edge!” Edge laughed and pointed at himself. “You screwed Matt!” chanted the fans. “Edge, I know nobody with a written promo has the balls to say this to you, but I have two words for you. Matt Frickin’ Hardy!– Heyman to Edge

06): I almost forgot about you, Mr. Shoot Promo himself, bounced checks, ECW we’re out of business. Hey, John, on a person note from all of us just to you, since you want to shoot, cowboy, the only reason you are WWE Champion for a year is because Triple H didn’t wanna work Tuesdays!– Heyman to Bradshaw

06): That must’ve hurt! Almost as much as having to be Simon Dean every Monday night (few moments later) yeah, I know, I’m fired.– Joey Styles: after Nova took an ugly bump


OH YEAH!! OH YEAH!!! OH YEAH!!– Bischoff at the same time




08): You picked a fight with the wrong guys!!!– Styles

We picked a fight with a bunch of scabs that couldn’t get a job anywhere else!! GARBAGE!!– Bischoff

09): I wanna come over there and knock the hell outtta you! I’ve been waiting to do it for a long time!– Bischoff

You wanna do it because you couldn’t buy me out because you couldn’t buy me out because I didn’t answer your eight phone calls! Did I?– Styles

Eight phone calls MY ASS!– Bischoff


How long you think Styles was waiting to say that?

That’s the nice thing about this business… it might take a while, but eventually, EVERYONE will get a chance to say what they want to say to ANYONE… if you have heat with someone, no matter who, if they are in this business, you WILL get your shot at them. Might take a while, but it ALWAYS happens.

So yeah, we’ll see Matt Hardy vs Edge…. and it’ll be a potato factory, baby!!

Matt’ll get his ass WHUPPED too… if it’s a shoot… heh, if it’s a work, he’ll put the gawky, thick jawed prick over anyway…

Before I head off, let’s wrap it up with some world class GOOFING…


In a small gym in Brandon, FLA… HISTORY was made!! YES!!!

As the Indy scene struggles to survive in this jaded rasslin’ world, the World Wrestling Network prestned the FIFTH Jeff Peterson Memorial Cup… WHICH, I believe, used to be called the “Super 8” Cup but a certain huffy hotel chain stopped allowing the workers into their free continental breakfast buffet and… well…. when you take the free chow away from the boys there ARE ramifications…

Oh, and there was a kid who died so they re-named the Tourny after him… why? because his Uncle runs the thing, that’s why.

Anywhoo… Chris “The Future” Sabin won the thing by beating Sonjay Dutt… and if Sabin doesn’t do something to parlay this, the only Future he’ll be looking at is stocking wrestling DVDs at his nearest Wal*Mart.

But I have some connection with this tournament… yes, me… Mr. Non-Insider… Mr. Loser…. Mr. No-Talent… Mr Nobody heard of You… ME!!

See… me and Jeff Peterson had history…

The following is from The Midnight News: 12.02.02


They say a proper eulogy can only come through memories… here are mine:

“I’m starting to think you like to call us boys, because you want to do some sexual, if that is so, your sick dude. Now, I’ll invite you down here to my Uncles Center in Tampa Bay and make a man out of you. You don’t use the term “boys” unless you are one of them. I can surely tell you are not one of the boys. Listen, if your ever in the Tampa Bay area, or in the North East when I’m there lets arrange a shot fight. I’ll pop you like a pimple you son of a bitch. And I don’t really care that your gay, I just think it is very funny.”

“Damn, your gay. Listen man, you might write a better column if you take your dads d*ck out of your ass”

“So how the hell have you gotten such a large ego? When most people waste 5 minutes out of their day to read one of your columns, they get the image of a fat 25 year old gay virgin typing away at the computer. The fact is that if I got you in a street fight or in teh ring for that matter me and my guys would whop your ass.”

“DAMN, you suck”

“You should f**king stick 411 right up your ass, you bitch.”

” The fact is that this 150 pound body is tougher than your ass will ever be.”

“Your a flaming homosexual whose ass I would love to fight. You don’t have your column anymore gay boy, why don’t you fight back like a man this time”

“Your such a homosexual. Where the hell do you live? I want to fight your ass later in the summer, I’m looking for a fight. My roaddawg Madd Matt Storm wants you to get a partner for a little tag team action”

“Man, it must suck to be a flaming homosexual, you fu*king jackass. I’ll kick your ass the next time I’m in the area, then I’ll rape your daddy.”

“The All-American” Jeff Peterson: 1981-2002

What am I going to say? Not much. Didn’t know him, didn’t care about him. He had cancer for the longest time and vented some of his rage at me. That’s cool… actually it was flattering. Glad to have helped. Hell, I bet he kind of liked it for a while. Might have been the greatest kid who ever walked, might have been an asshole… the hell should I know? I’m not going to expound with empty, meaningless platitudes.

Now… the OLD me would have said something like “one down”… or “Hey, Scaia, you’re next!”… or use it as a warning to ALL (that means YOU, Scooter) not to mess with me. The OLD me would have said something like “What, I TOLD you I was a Web GOD!!”… yeah, the OLD me would have been all over that… but I’m older now… more seasoned… wiser… more sympathetic.

The kid was fun to fight with and… wait!! hang on… I’m getting a message:

Dude, talking about people being dead, I was fu*king your dead mom last night. Damn, she was good.

Well shit…. looks like the kid gets the last laugh… good for him.

If he plans on haunting me, could he please ask my Mom where she hid her wedding ring?? I want to get some coke for the weekend and am low on funds. No, I already dug up the casket and checked… nothing but gold fillings there… and a little bit of her vag… I cut it out and sent it to Scaia so he could practice.

Man… as is always the case, after I talk about dead wrestlers, I always have the need to talk about Black people!


Yes… for some unknown reason, he decided to take his rage out on little ol’ me…

Then he died… and I have since learned that his last words were: “Fuckin’ Hyatte SUCKS!!

No.. NO, I kid… his last words were actually, “Stop it Mr. Feinstein! Don’t touch me there!!

KID… I’m a jokester…

Anyway, in honor of the Jeff Peterson Memorial Cup and the Jeff Peterson himself and Chris “The Future” Sabin… I humbly offer this…

puts envelope to forehead

The Jeff Peterson Memorial Cup


rip… poof

What do you need to wear after losing your balls to Cancer?



Next week… The Torch screws up and I’m all over it! More stuff… lots of stuff…. news…. humor… world class ball breaking…

Coming this Summer: The return of Hal Jotsky, PORN, MySpace and the stars who use it, reading material, quotes, gossip, FUN… and a lot, lot more…

And coming this Labor Day… And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night

You silly bastards… welcome to the Summer of Hyatte

This is Hyatte