SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF!
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! It’s been a looooooooooooooooooooooong time since I last talked to you guys. But actually, I haven’t gone anywhere. Just focusing on behind the scenes stuff and life decided to go insane on me. I would like to say I was absent because two beautiful sadistic lipstick lesbians kidnapped me and made me do strange, awful and terrible things. I would really like to say that. In fact, I would really really like to say that. But no, that is not what happened. Just life went into fifth gear and the little amount of free time I had which was literally a couple hours of week went into drinking heavily, hooking up with bar hoes that were not sadistic lipstick lesbians but at least wore lipstick, and the occasional mental breakdown. Admittedly, I did have some time around May to do some writing. But I decided to use that time to instead engage in heavy drug use and kinky sex. Nothing beats the combo of LSD and cunninglingus to a woman in a gasmask to help revitalize the sprits. Breakfast of champions I tell ya.
Yup, I’m back. Let’s talk about sports.
BUT, FIRST!
“”Nick seems to be the only person here that has an article up on a regular basis. Where’s everyone else?”-Eugene Tierney
I won’t hide the truth. What is there to hide? It’s all there on the sports page. The number of columnists we have dwindled to a few. And that’s a good thing! What did I say? Yes, it’s a good thing. Because while we have had writers come and go, and I was politically correct about all of them, I can honestly say every writer that is currently on the IP Sports roster is awesome. It may not be a large number I’m talking about, but I can say it honestly and earnestly. When you click on their columns, you don’t get crap. So a few points for Darwinism. The cream stayed and continue to write week after week, entertaining columns. Can’t say that about too many places on the internet. Besides, it’s about quality not quantity. Yes, I realize 99% of the IP staff disagrees with me there, but they can go fly a kite.
Really! Flying kites is an affordable and fun way to spend your day. And the entertainment value increases 10000% when stoned too. But then you’ll accidentally let go, watch the kite fly way and it will make you cry. That’s the downside of flying a kite….
BASEBALL
Newsflash! Newsflash!
Yankees suck!
No pitching, no hitting, when they pitch they don’t hit, when they hit they don’t pitch, etc. And just about every Yankee hater couldn’t be happier. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Money don’t make a ballcub. It helps definitely, but the 2005 Yankees now go down along with the late 90s O’s as big money busts. I write this as if their season is already done. Could they come back and make a run for it? Stranger things have happened. Could George Steinbrenner make a blockbuster trade and increase his payroll to 250 million? Stranger things have…actually, no. That’s never happened. Let’s think about this rationally for a second. I personally couldn’t care less how much a team spends. Seriously, why should I care? I don’t waste my god given life on coveting, resentment, and jealousy. Besides, in a capitalist market, many of these players are in fact worth that much. Don’t blame me, blame economics. And as far as I’m concerned, no one can give me one example of a team that can’t get off the ground because they are small market. We’re not going there, we’ve been through this. Them cellar dwellers have no one but themselves to blame. But seriously, would George do it? Would he boost that payroll to 230, 240 plus? Now even I have to say that if he does so, then we’re getting a little ridiculous. Besides, it’s a waste of money. Them Yankees think this is the 1980s and the 1980s wasn’t a good decade for them. If this team has a chance in heck to get back in the horse race, it’ll be up to the team.
They should also just pay off Giambi already and trade him back to Oakland. He’s an albatross.
BASKETBALL
Wow! Have you seen the NBA playoffs this year? No? Well, it seems nobody has. The 2005 NBA has got to be the dullest thing on television since the 2003 NBA. I think the Pistons and Spurs are two great teams to watch and there is plenty of talent in the league but man, the game just sucks. I don’t think I’ve watched a full NBA game this year. It’s just a boring brand of basketball. Especially when compared to the ecstasy that is college hoops. One of these days I’m gonna have to write one of those generic ‘how to fix the NBA’ columns. Well, here are ten things they can do. Now I wanna say as a disclaimer I don’t care about popularity. I’m talking about making the game better for sports fans.
1) Forget about the quarter system. Go to two 24 minute halves
2) Less Time-outs
3) Get rid of the smiley face (allowance for offensive fouls) under the nets.
4) Get that team in Joisey into Brooklyn NOW
5) Less Time-Outs
6) Legalize all illegal defenses
6) Stop giving the newer franchises cheesy names or at the very least enough with the phonetical nightmares.
In fact the following teams should change their names
Milwaukee Bucks
Washington Wizards
Charlotte Bobcats
Denver Nuggets
LA Clippers
Memphis Grizzlies
New Orleans Hornets
7) Make all free throws one and one.
8) Enough with the crazy 5 personal fouls per quarter and/or two in the final three minutes rule. Pick a number of fouls per half and stick with it. How about…I don’t know…seven?
9) Don’t bury the punks and thugs of the NBA. Exploit them to the moon.
10) Less Time-Outs
HOCKEY
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
To hell with them for awhile, ok?
RASSLIN
ECW One Night Stand was one of the greatest PPVs I’ve ever seen. Last night me and the crew were having a blast. We were on edge for just about every second of the show. I don’t care if you disagree with me. I don’t care what you found wrong with it. I don’t care about the politics of WWE. Leave me alone. There is another zone at IP where you can do that………………………
Or is there?
:O
THE CORRECT TOP FIVE LIST OF AFFORDABLE VODKA
Because this information is dire for you young drunks who spend your money on SKYY or the Well. By the way, this list doesn’t include a flavored vodka, vintage, or limited edition stuff. Flavored Vodka is a whole different list. Vintage vodka is stupid because it doesn’t taste any better then any of the vodkas I’m about to mention (Vodka is not like scotch or brandy or wine, it’s pretty cheap to make and there isn’t much you can do with it.) Limited edition stuff is just for yuppies with nothing better to do.
5) Smirnoff
Tried, tested, and true. Smirnoff is a great vodka to buy by the bottle. Ugh, using bye and by right next to each other. Anyway, it’s relatively inexpensive and it’s very good vodka. Very good straight, mixes well with any juice or liquor but tends not to make good martinis. Still, great for the parties.
4) Ketel One
I know a lot of you beginners are going ‘wait a minute, shouldn’t this be higher’. Well, the truth is if Ketel One is your favorite vodka, you’re not a big vodka drinker. It’s essentially vodka for people who don’t like vodka. I also think while it is very good straight, it makes a horrible mixer. I think #4 is very…fair.
3) Absolut
The best vodka for martinis. It’s good with juices as well but there are others that are better. Not too great for liquors, and forget about using it for Russians or Sombreros. Still, this top shelf vodka is great when ordering a top shelf cocktail. It also has a hint of aphrodisiac too.
2) Grey Goose
The best vodka when mixing with a juice. Excellent for liquors, and just amazing when drinking straight or on the rocks. Most bars make you pay an extra dollar or two for the Goose, but in most cases, it’s worth it. Beware when buying bottles as liquor stores tend to jack up the price.
1) Stolies
The best. Period. Ok, I aldrready put down a period and said period. That’s redundant. Anyway, it’s the best. No contest, no debate, end of story. The other four put in any order you want. Hell, take one off and put something else on the list. At the end, Stolies is the best. Yes, you will have a Ketel phase and a Goose Phase and an Absolout Phase. But it always goes back to Stolies. The best vodka ever made. So if you die of liver failure because of drinking too much Stolies. You died well.
God Bless and Everybody have a Great Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
