There’s a little tickle in the back of my throat that threatens to turn into springtime sickness. I wish it would hurry up already as I tend to handle any sickness from start to finish in a week, and I have things to do the weekend after next. So, it’s me and my pal Robitussin, although I really should pay better attention to dosage labels instead of cracking it open and taking a couple of swigs.
Music, yes, this column is about music. So I’m going to get serious and stuff.
Alice In Musicland
As if you didn’t already know:
A jury acquitted Michael Jackson on Monday of molesting a 13-year-old cancer survivor at his Neverland ranch  exonerating the pop star who insisted he was the victim of mother-and-son con artists and a prosecutor with a vendetta.
Jurors also acquitted Jackson of getting the boy drunk and of conspiring to imprison his accuser and the boy’s family at the storybook estate  a total legal victory but one that may do little to improve his bizarre image. Jackson had faced nearly 20 years in prison.
The courtroom was deathly still as the verdicts were read. Jackson, as motionless as he had been throughout the trial, dabbed at his eyes with a tissue. One of his lawyers burst into tears as the first verdicts were announced, and Jackson later stood and was embraced by his chief lawyer, Thomas Mesereau Jr. Some of the women in the jury also wept and passed around a box of tissues.
I have made my views clear on this case: Michael Jackson is creepy and probably pervy and very possibly a child-toucher, but he didn’t do shit to this particular kid. If anyone got touched, it was the people he paid off. The parents in this case were such disgusting opportunists that although I thought it would be fun to see MJ go down for this, I didn’t want to see them reap the rewards.
News flash: having a kid with cancer doesn’t mean you deserve help from everyone. It’s sad, but nobody should ever feel bad for turning down charity so long as they put their money where they believe it belongs. We can’t all be lifesavers. As far as charitable contributions go, you have to pick your causes and run with them. Nobody can afford to save everyone and everything, everywhere. Yet the mother of this kid honestly thought that celebrities, due to having money, should give some to her and her family. Not because she baked them cookies in gratitude, not because she was going to pay it forward, and not because she didn’t have traditional charities to fall back on. She, in the end, was nothing more than welfare scum.
And don’t get all pissed at me for saying something like welfare scum. My family was almost welfare scum, and actually, a good portion of my relatives fit that description. We had no money and my mom didn’t have anything more than a high school education with three kids to feed. After a year of living on the government dime and deciding she wanted more for herself and for us kids, she researched her alternatives and went back to college. She graduated at age 40, and even though I had to hear all about her sexcapades with kids half her age, she escaped the trap of being welfare scum. If she can do that, that f*cking leech of a mother could have done wonderful things to help fund her child’s cancer fight.
I’m glad that bitch didn’t get a dime. And I’m even more glad that all of MJ’s financials have started to come out in the wash, and maybe we’ll get to see him taken down for something a little less creepy.
Is there any other news worth mentioning? Shit.
From the AP again:
Staying together was not part of Destiny’s Child’s destiny — the multiplatinum group is splitting up.
In a statement released to MTV News, the trio of Beyonce, Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams announced plans to disband after their world tour ends in the fall.
“We have been working together as Destiny’s Child since we were 9, and touring together since we were 14. After a lot of discussion and some deep soul-searching, we realized that our current tour has given us the opportunity to leave Destiny’s Child on a high note, united in our friendship and filled with an overwhelming gratitude for our music, our fans, and each other,” the statement said.
One question:
WHO CARES?
Another question:
After Beyonce’s solo success, WHO DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING?
And once more, because I can:
DUH?
Never mind that the group has changed members as often as I have changed hair colors. I think more people were shocked that they regrouped for another album.
At least that’s one less corporate whore moneybags pile of shit half-talented band of f*ckwits we have to worry about.
I’ll bet I know your next question. “Summer, what’s your opinion of Destiny’s Child?”
From Blabbermouth.net:
VELVET REVOLVER frontman Scott Weiland has rejected Internet rumors that the band have scrapped the final five shows of their ongoing European tour because he has fallen off the wagon and will be re-entering rehab. In a posting on the group’s official web site, Weiland writes, “Christ! You people are like locusts! Every day there’s more bullshit. I must be absolutely mesmerizing! You all seem to be enraptured and in need of your rock & roll fables.
1. A few days ago I was a Nazi.
2. Then the end of the Euro tour is cancelled because Slash and I hate each other.
3. Now I hear I’m going to rehab.
“Get a f*cking life!!”
I think I only posted this news story because I’m on a roll with this Destiny’s Child thing and I would like to say how much I cannot stand Scott Weiland. I was completely psyched for this other-members-of-GnR project until I found out they chose him as the vocalist. He’s a piece of shit, end of story.
And gee, why would anyone EVER believe Scott Weiland might be going to rehab — because he’s never come out before and said he’s clean only to relapse a month later? Boy wow, that’s one REALLY BIG STRETCH that nobody could conceivably fathom as truth! You poor Scotty boy, with the world looking at your historic patterns and applying them to the present. How dare they?
Okay, I’m just being mean now. But at least I can say that I never started any of these internet rumors. I’ll let further apathy speak for itself.
Your Band Here
Look, a new section! Tell all of your friends!
In fact, here’s the OFFICIAL shill:
Are you in a band, unsigned or on a teeny label? Do you have a web presence, either your own site, MySpace, or another outlet? Would you like some free press and a review by the mighty Gloomchen? EMAIL ME and we’ll get you hooked up!
As for our first victims candidates:
In The Mourning (Chicago, IL):
Metal, metal, and more metal; considering the ages of the kids behind the instruments in this band, you won’t believe your ears. The oldest member is a ripe 25, but they play something massive. Solos! YOU GET SOLOS! The vocalist has sort of a lame-duck James Hetfield vibe, but these things happen to good bands. Their style is comparable to Shadows Fall but with audible influences ranging all over the map.
Highlight: “Proof of Life.” Incredible talent, guys. Simply amazing.
Lowlight: They go from proggy to very european-death sounding, but all with very bland vocals. It’s a bit of a style clash. Either boot the singer or get him to expand his emotional range a bit.
The MSB (Madison, WI):
Straight-ahead rock with a strong southern influence. They remind me of a lot of the cover bands around here, except that they’re not a cover band. Imagine that, midwestern bands writing their own songs! It’s magical. Anyway, their songs do have a bit of a country flavor but are definitely rock; I’m not sure how many of these are memorable enough to want to hear again and again, but they’re certainly not bad on the ears.
Highlight: “B Maj gonna be alright” or whatever the hell the song is called. If you like your southern rock, it’s a nice flavor.
Lowlight: There’s a worry that they’re too country for rock and too rock for country. They’re very middle of the road and bar-band-like and forgettable, even if they don’t suck.
20/20 Hindsight (Mason City, IA):
Strong indie rock, although not very polished. That must be hard, though, coming from the total land of nowhere. I love the idea of their “99 County Tour” where they vow to play a show in each of Iowa’s 99 counties. Anyway, aside from supporting my home state, what they have recorded at this point isn’t anything special and certainly demo-like. They have a good sense of song structure, but haven’t found that magical button of excellence yet.
Highlight: “Pretty Little Lady” is a nice cohesive chunk of playing and songwriting, even if it’s pretty damned sloppy.
Lowlight: Lack of imagination, lack of any sort of definition or image. Time to decide what you’re about, embrace it, and run toward it at the speed of light.
And that’s it! Do you think you can handle that sort of scathing review? Do you know anyone else who might? Pass the word along. Even horrible, horrible press is better than being ignored.
My Opinion Matters
SUBJECT: CHROMA KEY.
One of my favorite bands of all time, it’s really just Kevin Moore, former keyboard powerhouse for Dream Theater (and the one who wrote all the fantastic lyrics back in the day). If you think I’m pointing you toward another rambling prog metal venture, you’re dead wrong. Moore left and never looked back (unless you count OSI).
The first album is the important one: Dead Air For Radios. Absolutely riveting soundscapes, mind-blowing lyrics, and extreme minimalism turn this simple album into a masterpiece.
The second, You Go Now, shows just how weird Moore got when truly given the time to explore his brain. Much of this album just screams avant-garde, but again, the lyrics are masterful and the actual complete songs are dead-on.
In between this and all over the place, Moore started doing a lot of work with film scoring, as well as moving to all sorts of weird places around the globe. It may be fair to label him as a completely insane genius; his compositions became more erratic and it’s like he awakened some little creature in his head that just wants to spit out weirdness and record it for posterity. Is it music, are these songs? It’s fun to play the guessing game.
But the third album he actually released under the Chroma Key name is Graveyard Mountain Home, which is actually a film score. But this isn’t a score in the traditional sense; Moore took an old ’40s film about manners and such, and he scored it. If you get the special edition of the disc, it comes with the DVD of everything put together. While the music is neat on its own, the whole thing is a trip. I simply can’t figure out how this guy got into such oddity. I’m insanely jealous and want to stick a straw into his brain to suck out some of the juice.
Hmmm. Maybe I should take a step back from that last one there.
Regardless, my very favorite Chroma Key track is a demo that was on the single for “Colorblind” — the song is “Blanket (I Bury Me Wife And I Dance On Top Of Her)” and it’s positively amazing. Perhaps some p2p services somewhere still have it floating around.
But if you want any of the studio stuff — you can buy it digitally on the Chroma Key site if you don’t want to invest in a CD. Just passing that along!
The Rad Ones
Kyle David Paul posts some very elegant fiction, if you can get through the horrid squished-together formatting. Someone please give Archway a proper beating.
Fernandez plays with one of the Oasis boys, with predictable results: we all get linked!
Speaking of using and abusing the rest of the staff, Cameron started playing with the competition and I have been drafted away from my IP hombres. It would be nice to write on a site with Michael Melchor again though, he was always rad.
The guy with the same initials as me certainly has carried the idea of LiveJournal over to IP, with just a touch of music to boot.
Alex, oh Alex, how neat that you feature my little burg in your column! Hooray, we have folklore here!
And all of these people keep talking about some PPV or something. I give my official seal of approval on the subject to Kenny Breadsticks.
Outro
You may have noticed the “Band vs Band” section in absentia. I’m totally out of good ideas. What two bands need to duel? Every time I think of someone good, I realize I have already covered them. Dammit. Either that or I think of something like Yes vs. Rush and realize it’s an absolute no-brainer and not worth my time to write. But maybe YOU have some ideas, or maybe just want to see more on a particular genre. Hey, I’m writing for an audience here, not just to waste my Sunday and Monday evenings clacking away. Your input is always appreciated even if I have been absolutely horrible lately about responding to email.
Anyway, enough of the bland shit. Here’s ME! I just got my hair colored!
WHEEEEEE! I AM A GIRL! MY BOOBS WILL MESMERIZE YOU!
Did I mention I drank a chunk of Robitussin earlier? How I have managed to keep my wits about me this long is quite amazing. Not that my throat feels any better, either.
You know what I like? When people randomly send me new songs to listen to. Try it! You just might get one in return.
And for those out there who are wondering why they haven’t heard a peep out of me about the new Dream Theater album (I’m waiting for my actual copy to get here, that’s why), here’s a preview: some mainstream fodder, some jam-band crap, some really neat moments and a mind-blowing title track, and OH MY GOD WORST LYRICS EVER I AM TAKING YOUR NEWSPAPER AWAY. Hope that whets your pallate sufficiently.
Sorry for all that randomness.
Hey, I just thought of a good Band vs. Band! BUT IT’S TOO LATE, I’M ALREADY DONE WITH THIS COLUMN! You’ll have to wait two more weeks. Set your calendars for it.
Watch for me at Reverence and hiding somewhere in the Twin Cities trying to avoid all of the furries there for CONvergence over the upcoming holiday weekend. Life is good when you have a car that runs well AND excellent folks to run around with (thanks again Alex).
Tis the lucky lucky penny penny penny buys the pearly to their souls,
–gloomchen
