The Monday Night Rabble

Archive

Last night…

Blood was spilled.
Chairs were broken.
Bischoff was smacked around.
Vinnie Mac proved he can actually put together a damn good ECW show, as long as Tommy and Paul E book it.

Today – the Rabble is on time.

Welcome to the show so big there are smaller shows that live inside of it.

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

I T ‘ S
F R I G G I N ‘
H O T
E D I T I O N !

Joining us tonight are:
Hernandez – Who is made of jalapenos
Jenna – Who has melted into her chair
Bill – Who studies the art of pyromancy
Laura – Who is just hot!
Eric – Who screams ‘Flame On’ at dockside bars.
Dani – Who is just plain hot.
and Me – who is just that cool.

“Austin will be playing ‘Texas Ranger’ tonight.. where the beer is plentiful,
and the blondes are black and blue” – Jenna

Which leads us to my first question – Why in gods green earth is Austin scheduled to be here? He was the only thing that, in my opinion, hurt the ECW show – and in all honesty. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll get drafted to Antarctica.

Oh, so shocker – the show starts off… and coming out first is everybody’s favorite repeat offender.. Steve Austin.
“I feel the need to choke a bitch out” – Dani
“Everyone look for the blonde plant” – Hernandez

Austin of course takes the mic, thanks the fans and begins to discuss how he was called by a man how he was screwed time and time again…
“Bret Hart?” – Hernandez

So it’s someone who feels he’s been wronged, and blase blase. He is here to give his unbiased opinion. Without further adieu, he introduces the defendant. Hassan.
“Wow, everyone in the ring that I hate.” – Dani
“If they add Chris Masters to the ring, I’d have to turn off the tv.” – Me
“What if Repo Man shows up?” – Hernandez
“Oh, that’s not fair – Barry Darsaw trumps all.” – Me

So Hassan and Akbar show up and Austin’s first line is – “I see sand people.” and he won’t shake his hand. So since Austin won’t shake Hassan’s hand, he hates Hassan.. why? The way he dressed? The way he talks?
“No, he just won’t shut up” – Hernandez

He’s out here because he demands justice. Austin then asks Hassan to remove himself from his personal bubble, but Austin wants to know what his problem is.

Hassan feels that he’s been wronged – never defeated – and to prove it – Akbar has created a video package. It starts with him being curbstomped at the Royal Rumble. Yelled at by Foley, Ross, Lawler, beaten down by Hogan, excluded from the Gold Rush tourny, the Money in the Bank match, opened up by Batista, beaten by Jericho, the Dusty finish against Shelton. You know what.. he makes a strong point..

Austin uses Hassan’s towel to wipe his eye. His ruling though, even though he feels that Hassan is garbage, is that Hassan is right. Crap – I agree with Austin. It must be the heat. Tonight, Hassan gets a ‘fair shot’ against Shelton Benjamin with Steve as the special enforcer.

Akbar goes and shakes Austin’s hand .. THERE WAS NO TRAP!

Coming down to the ring right now is Shelton Benjamin though.
“That was just because Shelton is black” – Jenna

COMMERCIAL

SHELTON vs. HASSAN
Intercontinental Rematch

We come from the commercial with Shelton fighting his way out of an armbar, a double leg leap off the top rope and reverses it completely. Hassan gets to his feet and fights him to the corner. At five, Hassan breaks it and then goes punching Shelton to the face. Great beginning set-up.

Shelton spins it around and gets on top of Hassan for the ten punches. Hassan steps forward and Shelton hits head to turnbuckle. He tosses Benjy to the corner. Hits a snap suplex. Hassan bends to pick him up and a small package from Benjamin gets two. Hassan then picks up Beny and just slams him down slopily. Follows it up with some kicks to the back and a chinlock…

Benjamin fights his way up – punches to the gut, and a toss out of the ring – there goes Hassan with Benjamin following him. Hassan fights his way out of a headlock – goes and tosses Shelty in the corner, and Hassan goes for a chair, but Austin stops it.

Hassan tosses Shelty back in instead, and follows up with an abdominal stretch. Shelton elbows his way out – but Hassan kicks him in the gut – picks up Shelton for a suplex, but Benjamin lands on his feet and turns it into a neckbreaker.

They fight to their feet – fist fist fist. Total slug fest, but Benjamin gets the upper hand and hits a flying cross body, a clothesline, a back body drop, and a kneelift to the face. All of this and it gets a two count. Hassan stumbles into the corner, Shelton charges and MISSES with the Shelty-splash, but jumps to the 2nd rope. Hassan reaches underneath for a one arm powerbomb for two.

They fight again to their feet, and lifts his knee, and does an elbow drop on the back of Shelty’s neck for two. Hassan tosses Shelton out of the ring, but he lands on the apron springboard bulldog. Akbar climbs to the apron and gets tossed in by Shelton, but then eats a lowblow by Hassan that the ref misses out on.

Shelton gets put into the camel clutch, but in comes Austin to kick Hassan and proclaim by DQ, the winner is in fact Hassan.

He then celebrates with Benjamin.
“They gave Shelton malt liquor.” – Hernandez

Strong match to start – even WITH the StoneColderference.

Tonight though, John Cena & Jericho vs. Christian & Tomko.
Tonight a draft pick from Smackdown.

COMMERCIAL

Draft pick is……
Hernandez – I’m hoping RVD
Dani – I don’t know many people .. Carlito.. cause I know.
Laura – Bookah T, all of those white guys look the same.
Bill – All of Eminem.
“It doesn’t work like that” – Me
“Put it down” – Bill
Jen – “Eddie Guerrero, to fill the minority quota”
Me – “I say Charlie Haas.”
Eric hasn’t in fact arrived, so we’ll see what he says.. we already imagined that he says it’s going to be “SHUT UP COLE”

Back from the commercial Bischoff is stretching out his shoulder, Coach is trying to apologize for last night.. but apparently, as far as Bischoff is concerned, last night never happened. Except for when the fans chant it like that.

Jericho comes on in and gets pissed because he deserves the chance to be the #1 Contender, but apparently it’s Christian who will be facing Cena at Vengence.. (..nice.) Jericho plans on beating the snot out of Christian tonight to change Bischoff’s mind.

As Jericho is about to leave, he runs into HHH. They have a tense moment, and Chris finally leaves. Triple H wants to know who the next Draft choice is. The rumor is that whomever is going to come over from Smackdown is going to get a chance to go in the ring and talk face to face with Batista. Trips wants them to hopefully say something like “Hey, nice fashion sense.” and nothing that might affect his Hell In The Cell match.

None of us are sure how that might happen, but.. hey.. whatever.

Trips leaves – Bischoff chuckles.

COMMERCIAL

“Can the show get any worse?!” – Dani
“It’s actually been a pretty good show so far.” – Me
“I stopped watching when I saw Austin.” – Dani

In other words.. Chris Masters is here.

Bill is in fact enamored with the fact that Masters is covered with glitter. Masters is feeling confident – so the bet is 11,000 for the Masterlock Challenge.
“And I’ve greased myself up with chapstick.” – Bill

Who is it…. oh good god.. it’s Sgt. Slaughter.
“Why is it Slaughter?” – Dani
“Why was he in the lockerroom” – Bill
“It’s not Memorial Day anymore.. it’s not July yet.. I’m confused.” – Hernandez

So Slaughter, who looks slim, gets praised for a moment by Masters. Masters wants to know what makes Slaughter think he’s got a chance?
“Laser pistols!” – Hernandez
“HIT HIM WITH THE STICK!” – Bill

Slaughter grabs the mic.
“Grab the spit guards!” – Hernandez

Slaughter doesn’t care about the money, or the challenge. He has his OWN challenge for Masters. Does Masters think he can beat the … COOOBRAAAAAAAAAAAAA …err.clutch.

Slaughter beats down Masters! He clotheslines him. He kicks him. He locks in the clutch! Masters seems to be dropping down.
“Does this mean Masters shoots RED laser beams where Slaughter shoots BLUE laser beams?” – Dani
“Yes, and they always miss.” – Hernandez
“Where’s Duke and Scarlet?” – Dani
“Shelton could be Roadblock.. a skinny Roadblock..” – Hernandez
“Christie could be Scarlet, and Victoria could be Lady J.” – Dani

So during all of the GI JOE pontificating, Masters got the ropes, locked in the full nelson, and knocked out Slaughter.

WINNER OF THE CHALLENGE: MASTERS

COMMERCIAL

“Bischoff could be Doctor Mindbender.” – Hernandez
“Viscera could be Grimlock.. I didn’t watch GI Joe..” – Me
“Viscera could be the twins..” – Dani

We get a flashback of the whole Triple H/Batista package. Starting from the lead up to Wrestlemania. Batista’s win. Triple H/Batista 2.
“Electric Boogaloo.” – Bill

The Pedigree fight at Backlash. The final win from Batista. The loss from Benoit. Triple H leaving for.. err.. a week or two. Dave’s friendship with Flair. The screwjob. This all takes roughly a halfhour… while this goes on, I go and run Ad-Aware, Eric. S would be so proud.

“Honestly, it’s a sexy suit retrospect on Batista.” – Me
“While Dave’s tailor watches on, a tear in his eye.” – Bill

In the back, Captain Charisma and Tomko are coming out in Christian’s ‘C’ gear. Bill doesn’t like it.. but Bill’s wrong.

COMMERCIAL

Coming down to the ring now.. he is a Peep to one and all… except Bill, but Bill is wrong. He is Tyson Tomko’s best friend, accompanied by Tyson Tomko – it’s CHRISTIAN!

Flashback to last week’s draft appearance at the Highlight Reel.

Next, comes down the man who appears EXACTLY at 10:00pm… Chris ‘Lionheart’ ‘Y2J’ ‘Savior of the WwE’ ‘Just ask the Rock’ Jericho.
“I donno about all that – but Jericho’s alright.” – Bill
“Jericho hit his highlight last night, when the kendo stick caught him in the face” – Hernandez

Finally coming down with the dumbest promo shirt ever, and with white boys bobbing their head. I’m the only one who likes his new Spinner belt. John Cena!

SIGN OF THE NIGHT FOR STUPID PEOPLE: “RUCK CENA”
..why? Because it then translates to ‘Suck Rena’… wha!?

The crowd goes with the Cena chants. Jericho starting in the ring with Christian. Jericho with a kick to the gut and a punch fest from Jericho. He grabs Captain, hits the ropes, hits an elbow. Christian grabs Jericho and throws him down – and they continue fighting it out. Jericho drops Christian and fights for the Walls, but is denied – and Christian tags in Tomko.

Jericho now goes nuts on TOMKO! Slaps, chops, dropkicks, and the tag to Cena is made!

Cena at this point goes apeshit all over Cena, nothing but fists fists fists – and a toss into the ropes, and a suplex for two.
“Being a Doctor of Thuganomics is pretty impressive – I can’t even get past remedial Thuganomics.” – Bill

Cena leaps to the second rope and hits Tomko with a lariat. Christian charges in, and Jericho saves Cena from the cheapshot, as they doubleteam Christian tossing him to the outside on top of Tomko.

COMMERCIAL

We come back in to have Christian tossing Cena into the ropes, and hitting him with a crossbody. They both get to their feet and Cena blocks two hits and hits ANOTHER crossbody. Jericho tags himself in ring, and HE crossbodys Christian. Christian gets to his feet – kicks Chris in the head and tags in Tomko. A HUGE blind hit from Jericho.. Tomko fell like an hour to early – and then Jericho eats his big boot.

On the outside, Christian cheats a bit while Cena confers with the ref. Cena follows out and Tomko and Christian take turns beating Jericho down. Finally leaving Jericho in a chinlock in the middle of the ring with Christian. Jericho fights his way out of it, tries for the Walls, but instead goes for just punching the hell out of Christian. Christian reverses it into a reverse DDT for two.

They toss Jericho into the corner and continue the dual beatdown. Finally, Tomko goes for a powerbomb, which is reversed and enzuiguiried.. and Jericho crawls for the hot taaaaaaaaag… GETS IT! Cena charges and hits Christian off the apron – then goes after Tomko, HUUUUGE hip toss, and Tomko gets NOTHING right tonight. Jericho clotheslines Christian over the top rope – and Cena hits the Five Knuckle – the F-U. The Win.

CENA AND JERICHO!
..wait a second.. Jericho goes and charges Cena!
“Awww.. someone has recording jealousy” – Hernandez

Jericho tosses Cena into the stairs, and puts Cena into the Walls outside the ring. Thank God.. Jericho is a heel again. He stares at Cena’s belt.
“SPIN IT!” – Bill
“No!” – Hernandez
“Give it a little WIGGIDA WIGGIDA” – Bill
“NO!” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL

We get a Diva Review Review… but that’s just not as cool as THE RABBLE DIVA CONTEST!

250,000 vnd!

A Scott Keith Book signed and Rabbleized!

Some Comics!

AND MORE……

Email your entries to: RABBLEDIVA@GMAIL.COM

Since I’m taking a sabbatical from the Rabble because of San Diego Comicon – the Deadline is set for July 24th! All entries are due July 24th at Midnight. You have one month… join us!

So in the back Jericho goes and charges Bischoff to ask him if he saw what he did to Cena! Bischoff saw it. Yes, Jericho deserves his title shot.. here comes Christian! HE deserves the shot. They get into a YES YOU DO – NO YOU DON’T screaming match and the Vengence match is changed to a Triple Threat match as Cena charges in on Jericho.

In the background there are a bunch of steamer trunks that say ‘ECW’
“That’s where they keep all of the wrestlers” – Hernandez

We realize we have only seen two matches tonight… that’s not good.

COMMERCIAL

In the ring right now is Maven… his opponent is… Viscera… WITH LILLIAN!?!?!
“Darth Chocolate” – Hernandez

VISCERA vs. MAVEN
Lillian in leather match
“Good message to the kids – kidnap a girl and you can keep her” – Dani
“No, he didn’t kidnap her…” – Me
“He swept her off her feet. Like Jamie says.. she didn’t blow the rape whistle.” – Hernandez
“Do you think the Raw Rape Whistle yells ‘Woooo!’?” – Dani

Maven starts by clipping Visc’s leg. He dropkicks Viscera’s neck. He climbs to the secondrope with a missle dropkick for two! Maven tries to punch Viscera, and toss him into the corner, he’s denied.. so he charges, goes for a bulldog, is caught and dropped by Viscera. He then falls on him and humps him.

Maven walks into a HUGE sitdown powerbomb.. that is that.

WINNER: VISCERA

In the backstage, Trips and Ric are talking about Cena and nipping this Draft thing in the bud.
“He’s actually TALKING about his glass ceiling” – Me

COMMERCIAL

Hey… another match! It’s Kane.
“Kane vs. Lita” – Bill
“nonono.. Kane vs. Sweater.. even his theme music sounds whiny now.” – Dani
“Kane vs. a bathtub and a straight razor.” – Bill

Actually..

Kane vs. Sylvain Grenier
Kane cries for the French match

Sylvan turns his back to put his robe on the corner, and that was stupid. Kane walks over patiently and starts elbowing Grenier, tosses him into the corner. Grenier comes out and eats a sideslam.
“The worst thing is everytime Kane’s therapist says to scream into a pillow.. the pillow catches on fire.” – Bill

Kane continues to destroy Grenier. Boots in the corner. Punches to the chest. Headbutt. Grenier actually gets out of the pummeling, hits the top rope – missle dropkick. Kane goes down and NO SELL! Chokeslam. He picks up Grenier by the neck and ANOTHER Chokeslam! He does it.. AGAIN!

“He’s totally now a little Goth princess! He’s angry that NIN’s album sucks.” – Dani
“He heard Skid Row wasn’t touring anymore?” – Hernandez
“He watched ECW last night and realized LIta was ALWAYS cheating on him with Matt!” – Dani

Now before Kane’s pyro goes off – Lita’s music hits.. and she has a surprise for Kane.. it’s her new friend… Snitsky!
“She just became friends with her own personal coathanger!” – Dani

Lita absolves Snitsky of things, apparently it wasn’t his fault.
“THAT’S WHAT I BEEN SAYIN!” – Bill (as Snitsky)

Lita wants to thank Gene.. like.. reaaaallllly wants to thank him. She then kisses him. So now Lita is going to introduce ANOTHER friend of her’s…
“Torie!” – Dani
“Pete Rose!” – Hernandez
“X-Pac!” – Me

No.. it’s Edge.. who is wearing a Kane shirt! So next week, live on Raw – Lita is getting married.
“This won’t rule unless Trish is a bridesmaid.” – Me

Edge makes a crack about Lita having sex with him and they tongue kiss. Kane once again goes back to humming Something Corporate songs to himself.
“He’s just disappointed.. he can’t get his pyro up.” – Bill

Coming down to the ring is Trips with Flair.

COMMERCIAL

And now with ten minutes left, we get a five minute entrance.. it’s Triple H.
“We’re gonna get a talkin to…” – Bill

MAIN EVENT CLUSTERFUCK & DRAFTPICK

“Wow, Flair wears a suit better than Triple H” – Dani

Triple H comes out quoting NBA Jam “I’m on fire!”. The Game is on fire..
“Flaming Shoots and Ladders” – Dani

Trips rambles on about the Hell In A Cell match.
“Is Hell In The Cell like ‘Don’t Break THe Ice'” – Dani
“Only if Mick Foley plays…” – Me
“So he loses..” – Dani

So Trips now invites the Draft Pick to the ring. AND IT IS KURT ANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
“There’s Shark Boy.. where’s Lava Girl?” – Bill

The crowd ‘You Sucks’ as Kurt comes on in.. and three picks in and I’m still loving the draft! Kurt grins and smirks “So, Triple H.. it’s been a long time. I can really respect what you did here on Raw. If it was anyone else from Smackdown, you are right.. they should take a backseat to you.. but I’m not just anybody. Your days of being number one here.. are over.” Kurt then Woos.

Kurt and Flair then have a ‘WOO’ Off! That was awesome.

Ric takes off his jacket. Triple H stops it and welcomes Kurt back to the big leagues, but it’s still HIS show.
“Because he doesn’t work on Tuesdays..” – Dani

The last time Kurt saw Triple H was at Wrestlemania 21, when Kurt made Shawn tap out and Trips lost his belt to Batista.. Woo! So while Triple H was selling out arenas… Kurt was getting his ass kicked by Booker T’s Wife.
“..woo!” – Bill

Kurt LET Sharmel win.. he kinda has a thing for OTHER PEOPLE’S WIVES… So.. how’s Stephanie?

“Greatest Continuity Argument Ever!” – Me

Trips almost laughs, “Everybody made out with my exwife Kurt.”

So we back off a moment, and Kurt talks about how everyone loves Batista. He’s VERY impressed with him. The crowd is too given their chant. Kurt stops them, he’s not THAT impressed… he’s an Olympic Gold Champion. He wants to prove he’s the #1 guy. He does, though, want a match with the champ.

The day after Vengence he wants a match with Batista. If he gets in the ring with Batista.. Dave’s gonna choke..
“..a bitch out.” – Dani

Dave once again comes down.. in pinstripes – it’s Davetista.
It’s Dapper Dave
It’s ‘Holy Mother F’n Suit’ Dave.

Dave goes and gets his OWN microphone. He welcomes Kurt to Raw.. and ponders the word ‘Choke’. After the ECW show last night, Kurt shouldn’t talk about choking. So Kurt wants to know if Dave’s scared of him. Trips KNOWS Dave isn’t scared of Kurt.. HE trained him. So if Kurt wants a match against Dave, he’s got it. Next week.

So next week.. Dave versus Kurt… but wait a second… SHAWN MICHAELS!
“He just looks like a preacher in a suit!” – Dani

Shawn comes down and wants a match versus Angle at Vengence.. Angle/Shawn 2! It’s on! Kurt attacks Shawn. Shawn attacks Kurt. Trips attacks Shawn. Dave attacks Trips. Kurt attacks Dave. Shawn attacks Trips. Ric flops randomly. The ring has gone nuts!

THE SHOW… ENDS.

DAMNIT! Strong opening. Strong ending. Weak Middle. I say a good show.. what does the Rabble think?

Jenna – “In the end, Lita still comes home to me.”
Bill – “Started strong, boring middle, ended alright.”
Dani – “I apologize about the coathanger comment.”
Laura – “Dear Dave, dig the pinstripes. Love Laura.”
Hernandez – “I like WCW endings when it is done right.”
“Was it done right?” – Me
“Yes.” – Hernandez

So that’s it.
We’re done.
Oh, what about Eric. He never showed up.
So until next week guys, this is James Hatton saying g’night.

Oh.. and rabblediva@gmail.com