Marvel Handbook

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to a another edition of the Marvel Handbook.

Hey Daron how has your week been?

Well I just got off a 9-day work week and was sick the whole time”¦you do you think it was???

Cool. I know I forgot your intro last week so I’m letting you get it in now.

Oh”¦that’s right. I had forgotten about that. *Snarls*

Alrighty then let’s start.


Jason Emails

Hello,

Still enjoying the work all of you do on the Nexus. I was re-reading some of my old Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man comics the other day (All of them written by Peter David, and are great, by the way, if you haven’t read his run, you should) and read issues #116 and #119 in which Spider-Man and the Black Cat, respectively, fight Sabretooth.

Sabretooth’s portrayal in these comics made me realize how much ret-conning has occurred for this character. For one thing, nowhere is it stated he is a mutant. Up until he started popping up in X-Men, he was a Iron Fist and Power Man villain, and briefly a Spider-Man and Black Cat foe. In the Spider-Man stories, Sabretooth is webbed in the face by Spidey, and ‘Tooth proceeds to rip the webbing off of his face, taking skin off with it. This puts him in the hospital, with bandages and stitches. Later, Black Cat fights him and reopens the wounds. Um…hello…healing factor? Where was it? Why did he not have it then? Has an explanation ever been given? Did Sabretooth’s entry into the mutant mythos and his newfound status as Wolverine’s arch-enemy automatically come with a new superpower as a bonus? I would say the in-universe explanation would be Mister Sinister giving ol’ Victor a power upgrade, but I think it’s been established that Sabretooth had his healing powers in the more distant past.

And his portrayal in these comics is different from the character we know today. Can you imagine the uber-Sabretooth we all know now being taken down by the Black Cat? Yet it happened. In fact, she pounds his face into the sidewalk, over and over. Do you prefer the Sabretooth of those days, when an athletic cat burglar could beat him up if she got really angry, or the almost unstoppable foe of nowadays?

When last we see him in that story arc, he is consumed with thoughts of revenge against Spider-Man, Black Cat, Iron Fist, Power Man, and the Constrictor, all of whom defeated him in battle or betrayed him. Victor Creed doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would forgive and forget. Why hasn’t he tracked down the aforementioned five to exact vengeance? It’s been a really, really, really long time!

Sorry the email is so long, but these are all things that began to bother me the more I thought about it.

Thanks,

No problem with the long email. Not even the longest this week

You know I liked the pre mutant Sabretooth as well. The problem was when Wolverine became popular as hell he needed a cool villain so they changed Sabretooth to what he is now. Of course Sabretooth has faced Spider-Man since the change. (Assassination Plot is a prime example).

But it seems most writers forget the old Creed before the mutant factors. Including the revenge factors.

Wait”¦Sabertooth used to not be a mutant???


Colin emails

Sorry Jim, but Daron’s team kills yours. Black Bolt alone could take out 80% of the team in one go. Both teams are dreadfully short on energy wielders, but Mags and Jean are two of the best. Add Colossus, Thor and Namor? Sorry bro…

He picked his last and then proceeded to gather guys from other worlds on top of things. My god, I had no shot in hell with that team. Of course Daron would win, I’m telling you next time we’re drafting. Man that team’s sick.

Bwahahaha!

But in my defense”¦

The reason my team has so few energy manipulators in it is because I was trying to stick to the international flair of the contest. If I could have picked more Americans I would have had some people like Havok.

And Jim, you can hardly complain since you got to pick first and the original emails said, “Keeping the “international theme” and expanding it to any variant of the Marvel Universe,” which means all “worlds” and whatnot were fair game. But you’re both right about one thing”¦my team would totally whoop up on yours :)

Hell Jean and Mags alone could probably take your whole team”¦


Daredevi1 posted

Dear Jim
i dunno if you have read the marvel solicitations lately but they say that the mistery avenger is not DD!!! who do you think is this guy “Ronin”?
well MY guess is that he isn´t DD , he is Matt Murdock!!

although Bendis maybe has some surprise for us!!
also i think that isn’t Iron fist either ( kun lun = china, Ronin = japan)
By the way, which other Marvels characters have some “Japanese heritage” (apart from DD, elektra,Wolverine, Sunfire)

Thanks a lot

From chile

I still think it might be Matt Murdock.

As for Japanese heroes or heroes with Japanese connections:

Wolverine
Elektra
Daredevil
Sunfire
Sunpyre
Base (Codename: Genetix)
Baymax (Big Hero 6)
Shigeru Ezaki (Shadowmaster)
Sojin Ezaki (Shadowmaster)
Yuriko Ezaki (Shadowmaster)
Fu’se (Cyburai)
Go Go Tomago (Big Hero 6)
Nguri Hijiro (Sunset Riders)
Hiro (Cyburai)
Hiro II (Big Hero 6)
Honey Lemon (Big Hero 6)
Katsu’ta’ro (Cyburai)
Ko’ichi (Cyburai)
Philip Richards (Shadowmaster)
Shado
Tengu (Shadowmaster)
Toshi (Cyburai)

If your wondering about Shang-Chi and Iron Fist, both have Chinese connections.


Robb emails

This isn’t a major question or whatever but isn’t Magneto from Europe or something like that? Since he did grow up in a concentration camp during WWII.I don’t even remember if he’s been to Israel or not.

Oh and on the Contest of Champions, I’d think Jim would win. Most of Daron’s people are pretty much loners. Plus I kind of doubt Jean Grey would get along with Magneto much since “He” killed her.

Gotta love people finding ways to help me win here to. I admit there’s a few to many loners and former villains people won’t trust on Daron’s team. Will help me get the edge.

Yeah well, you need the help. As a really well informed person said in this very column only last week, This is the same deal with the one guy versus another guy; it always comes off as a cop-out to me when someone uses a character’s emotions to determine why a less-powerful character would probably win. Past all that, between Thor, Hercules, Black Bolt you’re team will still be decimated.

As far as Mags goes, I always assumed he was from Israel but that may be a mistake. But either way I’d just use him from whatever country he is from. So Jim got the answer to that one?


James emails what he thinks of our Contest

Contest of Champions
Our hero, Jim Trabold is fed up. After years of abuse at the hands of his Holiness, the Grandmaster Overlord Daron (GOD) the Great TM, Jim’s had enough. The final straw came when GOD the Great TM assigned a series of hot interns to replace Jim as “Answer Man” to the Marvel Universe and justified his actions with the simple adage, “Hey, what? Hot interns = ratings! Yowza!” Jim, reassigned to chronicling the Harvey Universe, home to Richie Rich, clutched his treasured ALF pogs and Berserk Wolverine Wrestling Buddy and wished upon the stars for a way to end his suffering… and since this is the Harvey Universe, his wish came true.

Jim and GOD the Great TM are transported across time and space and find themselves in the basement of a suburban Maryland home in the early 1980’s. A mysterious figure looks up from his Intellision Baseball game and says, “Hello again, my friends, I am the Keymaster! You are to assemble great armies and battle each other for the supremacy of the universe! Now, begone, I have a date with the Gatekeeper and I must restock the fridge with Puddin’ Pops and Sunny-d! Chicks love the Puddin’ Pops and Sunny-d!” Before GOD the Great TM can get out his amazing one liner involving nerds, the 80’s and the movie ‘Ghostbusters,’ he and Jim are again transported through time and space…

Psyche. They haven’t moved at all. They’re in the same basement bedroom belonging to that 80’s nerd. The nerd re-enters the room and is surprised to see them. Realizing he only has minutes before his date gets here he instructs them to use his Intellivision to pick 12 champions from time and space and do battle to settle whatever issues they’re having. Since they’re using a “Classic” Intellivision their draft choices are little more than badly rendered stick figures with block lettering representing their names. Hurried by the nerd, the two opponents quickly choose the best teams they can come up with and are again transported away to start the contest… THE CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS.

Our hero, Jim Trabold, finds himself in a large circular spacecraft hovering over the city of Los Angeles. There are hot 80’s girls dressed in red jump suits manning every position he can possibly think of. That’s right, he’s in the mothership of the Aliens from the TV mini-series ‘V.’ He immediately meets his team:

Captain America fresh from the assemblage of Avengers in Heroes Return
The Punk Rock *yet lightning powered* Storm from the 1980’s Uncanny X-Men
The Sexxay Wolverine from the Grant Morrison run on X-men
Sunfire from the time and space band known as the Exiles
Kirby-era Black Panther
Late 1980’s Avenger Dr. Druid
Early 80’s Claremont era Nightcrawler (pre-Excalibur)
Sabra from Peter David’s run on the Hulk
Starlight right after she ended her Defenders run but before she went insane
Captain Britain from early Excalibur
Ultimate Shang Chi
and, last, but not least, the Celestial Madonna Mantis

GOD the Great TM, finds himself back in high school. Not just any high school mind you, but we’ll get to that later. GOD the Great TM is dressed in a grey business suit and he seems to be occupying a Vice Principal’s office. It is Saturday morning and the first item on his list would be to check in with his team who are now assembled in the school’s library.

Cue the Simple Minds.

Seated to the left and looking strangely out of place in her 80’s preppie fashion, Jean Grey (Morrison run-pre death), looks longingly at her autographed picture of Rick Springfield and lets out a sigh worthy of any 80’s era red-headed teenage b-movie star.

Behind her, nerdy Doctor Don Blake is a bit paranoid about his surroundings. While he can transform into the Kirby-era Thor at will, he seems a little put off by…

…a scruffy Magneto (Early 1990’s Jim Lee era), using his Magnetic powers to open and close a switch blade seated to his right.

In front of Magneto, Namor the Sub-Mariner (1990’s Byrne solo book), struggles with the strings on his sweat suit as he’s unaccustomed to wearing what we now know as “casual wear.”

Behind them all Black Bolt (Exiles universe, post-losing Medusa pre-hooking up with Sue Storm), is dressed and in drag and a parka for reasons unknown.

Off to the side (and off camera) are:

1980’s Layton era (big drinker) Hercules
1980’s stuck-in-metal-form-all-the-time Colossus
Meggan from very early issues of Excalibur
Ultimate Iron Fist
Factor Three member Banshee
The current 616 incarnation of Moon Knight
and the cool Silver Samurai fresh from chopping Wolverine nearly in half in the 1980’s.

GOD the Great TM, is unimpressed.

Back at the mothership, the great leader, Captain America assembles his forces and starts to gather data on what his team is up against. Nightcrawler (using his teleportation) and Sabra (using her superspeed), manage to get inside GOD the Great TM’s high school and bring back dossiers on the competition. Captain America then begins to go over the data with his team.

In the high school seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours of boredom.

GOD the Great TM, sends Colossus, Meggan, Iron Fist, Banshee, Moon Knight and Silver Samurai to patrol the grounds of the high school. He’s sure an attack must be coming, but he’s is unphased by the names of his competition (I mean SABRA? What kind of threat is SABRA?), and keeps his heavy hitters in the library.

In said library a discussion of world domination begins. Magneto and Namor are immediately at each others’ throats as Jean Grey rolls her eyes at their conversation, Donald Blake lies in the fetal position under his desk, and Black Bolt scratches his head in order to add dandruff snow to a picture of a countryside on his desk.

4 hours in, no sign of the other guys, Hercules finds the stash of confiscated alcohol located in GOD the Great TM’s office and eliminates himself.

GOD the Great TM 0, Jim Trabold 1

After hours of lecture, Captain America’s team makes their first move as Nightcrawler teleports Captain Britain to Meggan. Since they were still hot and heavy at this point, they eliminate each other by finding a spare broom closet to make out in.

GOD the Great TM 1, Jim Trabold 2

ULTIMATE Iron Fist and ULTIMATE Shang Chi have the ULTIMATE battle that no one cares about. Part one is really cool from what we can see. There’s a month or two delay before the coolness continues in part two. Then part three is never released even though Joe Quesada promises that guest writer Kevin Smith will resolve the battle after the release of “Clerks 3: Don’t Tell My Wife That This is Yet Another Homage to Joey Lauren Adams and Pot Smoking.”

Battle inconclusive, GOD the TM 2, Jim Trabold 3.

The female Sunfire turns on the charm. When that doesn’t work (she, after all, doesn’t like guys), she simply melts Colossus as he’s working out in the gym.

GOD the Great TM 2, Jim Trabold 4.

Unfortunately, the sneaky Silver Samurai sneaks up from behind her and
cuts her in half.

GOD the Great TM 3, Jim Trabold 4.

Dr. Druid confronts Moon Knight with his own continuity. Moon Knight’s
brain explodes.

GOD the Great TM 3, Jim Trabold 5.

Kirby-era Black Panther quits his team after becoming disillusioned
with
the line-up of the original Live Aid. Later, he’s retconned out of the
story entirely as twenty years later no one remembers the original Live
Aid or how pop music really can change the world. He was replaced in
the
timestream by RAGE, who, as a high schooler, simply skipped school the
first chance he got.

GOD the Great TM 4, Jim Trabold 5.

Factor Three agent Banshee (lacking the experience of his modern
counterpart) is simply no match for the powers of Punk Rock Storm,
Mantis and Starlight.

GOD the Great TM 4, Jim Trabold 6.

However, since the Banshee is dead sexy, his former attackers whisk him
away to nurse him back to health. The Luck of the Irish always wins in
the end.

GOD the Great TM 7, Jim Trabold 6.

In a scene out of every 80’s slasher movie, Wolverine gets a little
payback in the locker room and slices Silver Samurai into cubes.

GOD the Great TM 7, Jim Trabold 7.

Unaware that his team is now ::gasp:: tied with the lowly Trabold’s
team, GOD the Great TM enters the library where Namor and Magneto are
still fiercely debating the merits of their own megalomania. He, of
course, enters the debate.

Bored out of their minds, Jean Grey and Black Bolt retreat to the
ladies
room to touch up their makeup. As they return they encounter Dr. Druid,
Nightcrawler, Captain America, Sabra and Wolverine.

Jean uses the Phoenix force to put the fashion disaster known as Dr.
Druid out of his misery.

GOD the Great TM 8, Jim Trabold 7.

Feeling out of place in this WASPY high school, Sabra sulks away from
her group. Black Bolt follows.

The remaining heroes prepare to take on the newly angered Phoenix but
Wolverine stops them. He unbuttons his shirt and displays his
Morrison-era angst-free charm. In awe of his sheer sexxay-ness, Jean
drops her guard for half a second and reverts to human form. Wolverine
beckons her closer, their eyes meet, they kiss, and Wolverine pops his
claws through her heart.

GOD the Great TM 8, Jim Trabold 8.

Captain America and Nightcrawler enter the library. Nerdy Donald Blake
finally takes action and strikes his walking stick to the floor,
becoming Thor. He throws his mighty hammer at Captain America.
Nightcrawler jumps in front of Captain America and teleports right as
the hammer is about to strike, the momentum taking the hammer with him
as he teleports.

After a minute, Thor reverts to his human form. Cowering from an angry
Captain America, Donald Blake stumbles into the hallway and into
Wolverine’s claws.

GOD the Great TM 8, Jim Trabold 9.

A nearly exhausted Nightcrawler continues to teleport half a second
ahead of the hammer. His teleports taking him all over the school.

Captain America and Wolverine sneak up on the arguing Trio of GOD the
Great TM, Magneto and Namor. Magneto, infuriated at the interruption of
his chance to debate his greatness, uses the iron in their blood to
make
Captain America decapitate Wolverine with his shield while Wolverine
stabs the good Captain through the heart with both sets of claws.

GOD the Great 10, Jim Trabold 9.

Magneto then, as if dealing with gnats, returns to the debate without
missing a beat.

Black Bolt catches up with Sabra in the hallway.

Sabra, “You don’t talk much, do you?”

Black Bolt shakes his head.

Sabra, “Why are you dressed in drag?”

Black Bolt shrugs.

Sabra sighs, “I don’t know what it is, something about this place makes
me long for my home. I mean I’m different from every one else here. I
don’t understand the culture and I’m feeling alone. Tell, me, have you
ever felt alone?”

Outside of the library, Black Bolt offers his hand. Sabra gladly
accepts it.

They begin to make out in the cheesiest 80’s high school makeout
session
of all time.

As they begin to take off clothes, they stumble through the door of the
library where the debate rages out of control. With her back to the
debate, Sabra can’t tell what’s going on, but Black Bolt is
increasingly
annoyed at what he’s hearing. Since he can’t concentrate on making out
with this beautiful girl from a strange land (his first chance to have
human contact since Medusa died), he tells them to shut up, releasing
the full power of his voice at them.

Sabra, standing in front of him, is obliterated along with Namor and
Magneto.

GOD the Great TM 11, Jim Trabold 11.

Stunned, Black Bolt trips over Sabra’s corpse and accidently sets off
her quill blasts into his own crotch. Black Bolt’s death is not swift
nor kind.

God the Great TM 11, Jim Trabold 12.

GOD the Great TM is now alone. He realizes he over-estimated the
greatness of his team. He begins to call for Jim Trabold to show
himself
and face him like a man. After ranting and raving he feels a tap on his
shoulder. He turns to see Nightcrawler, who waves as he dives out of
the
way of Thor’s hammer. The resulting mess brings the contest to an end.

Final score: God the Great 11, Jim Trabold 13.

Watching from a distant space ship now heading somewhere beyond the
moon, Jim Trabold smiles and takes his ship filled with hot big haired
80’s women off to go where no man has gone before… Jim Kirk would be
proud.

Ok I never thought of that as a way to win. Now that really helps a ton. Right now I’m leading 2-1 on votes to. Even with Daron having a powerhouse of a team.

Well as amused as I am at that take”¦and it really was funny”¦it hardly counts as an actual vote since clearly the “actual” characters we chose weren’t used in the parody. As I said, it was quite amusing.


That’s it for the emails this week. Next week will be pretty big. I’ll be covering your emails, (keep sending them), A post or two from the board, which I’ve read but didn’t post this week. X-Men The End # 4 of the current arc.

House of M will be covered the following week with next week’s titles House of M 2 and HOM: Spider-Man 1.

So we’ll have few good handbooks coming up. Keep sending those emails on Contest of Champions and any questions you’ve got. Daron care to sign off first?

Didn’t you pretty much just sign off? All I have to say is bring it on little man”¦

Alright reporting from the Marvel Universe I’m Jim Trabold. Have a great week. See you at the comic shop.