Did you feel the earthquake?
Welcome back to The Bootleg. If I ever decide to craft a FAQ for this column, the above question would’ve cracked the top three this week.
Y’see”¦I live in California. And, this week, my state made headlines across the country with a trifecta of tremblers over a five-day span. Of course, the best thing about an earthquake is always the over-the-top terror that the media makes out of it.
Most of you will be seeing the following headline in your newspapers or Internet home pages today:
Moderate Quake Shakes So. California
This one hit yesterday afternoon and registered a 4.9 on the Richter scale”¦and I didn’t feel it. “Moderate”? I’ll wager there were more people who were feeling Fox’s Andy Richter Controls the Universe, yet the quake still had a higher overnight rating.
Last Sunday, a slightly stronger seismic moment struck the state. I was at the gym around 8:00 AM and, I’ll admit, I felt this one. It was a 5.2, which caused all of the weight plates to awkwardly and unevenly shake. And, based on that description alone, it could’ve just been me on any machine in there.
Have you ever actually been in an earthquake? Most of ’em feel like a semi truck driving past (not through) your house and last about 10 seconds.
Yet, when the national media runs the story, they’re always anxious to show the same old surveillance camera shots of the beleaguered bar that stacks its 600 shot glasses atop a slippery scotch-soaked shelf. As the quake hits, we get grainy black & white video of shattering glass everywhere, along with the always enjoyable early-morning machinations of the barely awake and intoxicated.
The hysteria reached new heights of hyperbole this week, when a 7.0 earthquake occurred under the sea (under the sea) out in the Pacific Ocean about 90 miles off the coast of Northern California.
What? You mean you didn’t heed the tsunami alert?
And, with the footage of Fook Mi Fook Yu Phuket fresh in our minds, several of my home state’s inhabitants were swept away by a sea”¦of idiocy.
People”¦none of the earthquakes we get are like the ones you see in those made-for-TV movies or co-main eventing Summerslam ’90. OK, that’s not entirely true, but I’d still rather take my chances against one half of The Natural Disasters, than hurricanes or tornadoes.
I believe it was the former that gave us Jimmy Johnson’s pumpkin-colored mug on the pro football pregame shows every Sunday, while the latter was the film foundation for the 14 months Helen Hunt spent as an A-List actress.
The Goodness: This Kitten Has Claws!
“John Jay Smith””¦Acquitted?!
I’ve been in Reno for six weeks”¦did I miss anything? Well, only if you weren’t here on Monday, as Michael Jackson was cleared of all charges in his high-profile kiddie case.
But, even if you missed the verdict, the clear highlight in the aftermath was an appearance by Thomas Mesereau, Jackson’s lead defense attorney, on NBC’s early morning talk show Today.
When asked if his client would be changing any of his, um”¦”eccentric” interactions with children (whom I’m told are our future), Mesereau replied that MJ would no longer share his bed with young boys. And, here’s our newest candidate for quote of the year:
“(Michael) is not going to make himself vulnerable to this anymore”¦”
Wow. I mean, throughout the Institute of Inappropriate Adjectives, this one’s gotta rank amongst the all-time oxymorons. Speaking of that word’s third and fourth syllables, it was good to see MJ pull out the “oppressed African-American card” through the miniature mustachioed mouthpiece known as the late Jesse Jackson.
Yep”¦a beacon for the Black community that MJ. And, can anyone explain to me why so many people view interracial dating as an abomination, but Jacko’s interracial molestation is nothing but “victimization from an unwarranted allegation”?
Hey, that rhymes. Now, I’m Jesse Jackson!
Higher Learning”¦But, Worse Than the Movie
50 Cent has announced plans to set up several scholarships for 10 lucky New York high school students, totaling over $30,000. The awards would provide full and partially-paid rides to Queensborough Community College. 50’s G-Unity Foundation is providing the”¦wait a tic”¦community college?
With apologies to Adam Carolla, that’s still just “high school with ashtrays”, right? Oh, I’m kidding. In fact, let’s just kill the whole “lower standards” stereotype of University, Jr. community college, right here”¦right now.
50’s scholarships are available to students at three NY high schools, including Mr. Cent’s alma mater. All those interested need to submit a 500-word essay and have at least a C- average. Winners will be announced on”¦hold up”¦a C- average? And, 50’s helping these people into college?
These are the world’s Wal-Mart greeters and real estate arrow sign spinners, so why clutter their collective can’t do attitude with Scan-Tron wishes and lecture hall dreams?
Boys Don’t Cry II
Mr. Whitney Houston hasn’t had the best month. And, things took a turn for the bizarre when Bobby Brown joined his old band mates from New Edition at the Theater at Madison Square Garden last Friday.
Brown was reportedly incensed that the group’s set ended 10 minutes early and he proceeded to curse out anyone within earshot when he returned to the backstage area. As the show wound down, the headline act, Brian McKnight was out on stage when Brown stumbled out and took the mic from him.
Brown was quickly ushered to the back and the show concluded without further interruption. I’m tellin’ ya”¦with behavior like that, Brown should be trying out for the Florida State backup quarterback job.
Now, not to mock the mentally ill, but the whole FSU fiasco sounds like something out of the deleted scenes from that 1993 college football film The Program. In it, two-time Academy Award winner Hilary Swank plays Joe Kane, a troubled QB with”¦what? You’re tellin’ me that was Craig Sheffer?
I don’t know”¦take another look and tell me I’m wrong.
“¦Our Home and Native Land”¦
Ooooh”¦don’t look now, America, but Canada is mad at us”¦again. This time it’s Alanis Morissette who’s at the eye of the (Lance) storm. Morissette has inked a deal with the Starbucks coffee chain to sell the acoustic version of 1995’s Jagged Little Pill album.
The new CD will be available inside the caffeinated and corporate confines of North American Starbucks for the next six weeks, before it goes on sale worldwide. So, why is Saskatoon’s Moose Jaw all Ottawack?
Well, it seems that Canadian music retailers such as HMV believe that Morissette has turned her back on her roots for the big, bad capitalistic cash of the greatest country in the world.
Bah. Truth be told, we only want Canadians in our country until we have no further use for them. Rick Moranis played the part of Peter Scolari Lite down here for a few years, and we returned him right away. And, do we complain when you guys send us celebrities with shaky star power? Nope”¦in fact, we often pay to package them up before shipping them back.
You’re welcome.
Watch This Item in My eBay
Our friends at eBay have caved in to public pressure and pulled several seller’s auctions for tickets to the Live 8 concert on July 2. The original ticket holders first had to enter a lottery by text messaging an entry for a pair of the 150,000 available tickets.
It’s believed over 2 million entries were received and, as winners began to get notified, tickets began popping up on the ubiquitous real-time garage sale site. This angered the concert’s organizer, Bob Geldof:
“It is completely against the interests of the poor. The people who are selling these tickets on Web sites are miserable wretches who are capitalizing on people’s misery.”
“Miserable wretches”? Ah, nothing like some Elizabethan dissin’ that might’ve made Bill Shakespeare blush back in the day. And, I don’t wanna get all “red state” on y’all, but what, exactly, are “the interests of the poor”?
It seems like the whole point of this concert is to make a bunch of money and hand it over to the down and destitute. Money for nothing? Sounds like the mission statement for food stamps and government cheese, to me. (My apologies to my friends on welfare, but I used the “reparations” joke last week.)
General Haberdashery
Fernandez was drafted to Joe Reid’s fantasy site last week, but he’s still remembered fondly ’round these parts. The man that won me over with Hostess cupcake cartoons and the best strip club songs has you covered with counterfeit shirts and Michael Jackson suicide notes.
Gloomchen was also picked up by Reid last week. And, this week, a few of her readers (well, two of ’em) took me to task. Hey, I loves me some Summer. Click the link and watch her pimp her boobs and a bottle of Robitussin. Our own NY Slayer has been there since Tuesday, so whaddaya waiting for?
KDP looks an awful lot like Oakland A’s starting pitcher Barry Zito. No? Am I the only one who sees this? And, much like Zito, this week KDP was defeated by Archway, 9-0. (Don’t worry, you’re not supposed to get that joke.)
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. He’s got some thoughts on the MTV Movie Awards and none of them are equal to the effusive exuberance of IP’s thoughts. Yeesh. You’ll also find other people’s thoughts on the end of Star Wars and the Tom Cruise-gone-crazy conundrum.
A is for me.
M is Comic Book Mathan. So, he’s still without computer, but he’s got enough online time to choose between his four personas. And, given a choice between Music, TV and Moodspins Mathan, his loyalties lie with”¦comic books? Hey, we’re just glad to have him back.
His first question covers Shazam!, which is cool since last Saturday’s Justice League Unlimited featured an equally cool Captain Marvel storyline. (Ummm”¦Jalen’s a big fan.)
Junk Mail-The Readers Shoot on Us Edition
Last week’s satirically serious Inside Pulse/411mania Draft was one of the most well-received segments in Bootleg history. I was very torn over whether or not to include any feedback this on it this week, since I know how sensitive some writers are to criticism (justified or otherwise).
So, if it makes any of my peers feel any better, we’ll begin with some good ol’ fashioned Aaron Cameron bashin'”¦
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You seriously need to get over yourself. How arrogant do you have to be to believe that anyone would read any site where you’re the “centerpiece”? I think the other guy’s draft was better just because he got Gloomchen and you’re stuck with you. Sorry, but you wanted feedback”¦G.S.
The nerve”¦the gall”¦I mean, Joe Reid as “the other guy”? Why didn’t I think of that nickname for him? It’s certainly easier to remember than the two-syllable staccato that is his name. And, thanks for the letter. Believe me, I take every critique to heart”¦even when it comes from an ass whose AOL user name included the word “Jerichoholic”. You know that stuff’s fake, right?
Once again, here are the post-draft rosters for your perusal:
The Cam Fam
Aaron Cameron”¦Music
Mathan Erhardt”¦TV
Leonard Hayhurst”¦Ask 411 Inside Pulse Movies
Jacob Ziegler”¦Movie Reviewer and former Movie Zone Writer of the Year
Scott Keith”¦Wrestling, Author, Raconteur”¦
Mitch Michaels”¦Music (but, none of that Negro noise)
Ashish”¦Update Intern
Murtz Jaffer”¦TV VIP
Mike Eagle”¦Music (what Mitch won’t touch)
John Haley”¦The Anti-Keith
Joe’s Load
Joe Reid”¦Movies
Mathan Erhardt”¦Music
Jeff Fernandez”¦Music
Gloomchen”¦Music
Evocator Manes”¦Agitator
Michael Melchor”¦Music (Ret.)
Mike Huckaby”¦Arch-Conservative
Will Helm”¦Movies
J.D. Dunn”¦Dual Threat
Cris Murphy”¦Movies
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I like Joe’s 411 Draft better than yours, Aaron. He picked up my favorite music writers (present company excluded) *and* some very underrated talent like Melchor, who can write anything anywhere. You’re thievery of the best of the 411 Movie Zone is commendable, but where’s the balance? And, Keith hasn’t written a new column in weeks. Sorry, but you’re the old and busted while Joe’s is the new hotness (to coin a stolen movie phrase)”¦P.E.
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Come on, Aaron, this one’s easy. You’ve giving us Keith’s PPV rants, a full TV section with the two best movie writers on either site (sorry, Joe). Reid is hanging his hat on Fernandez, whose most interesting segment is his links and Gloomchen, who is entertaining in only a suicidal sense. Advantage: Aaron”¦S.P.
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First off, this was a great idea that was nicely executed. Much love to you and Joe. That said, I’m sorry, but your boy pretty much killed you in your own column. He’s got the better music writers (including straight stealing Music Mathan from under your nose) and the better wrestling writers. Your site has you. Oh, and Ashish. Unless you plan on making the Bootleg a seven day a week thing, my vote is for Joe Movies”¦B.A.
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OK, let’s look at this section-by-section: Over in music, it’s Aaron, Open Mike and Mitch Michaels. Joe’s got Fernandez, Melchor and Gloomchen. Joe: 1, Aaron: 0. In movies, you’ve got all the reviews from Ziegler and the best column on either site from Leonard. Tie score. I’ll still take Keith over any other wrestling writer out there, since they all steal from him anyway. Aaron: 2, Joe: 1. Others: You’ve got TV covered with Murtz and news with Ashish. Joe’s got Huckaby and Evocator. Push. You win, overall”¦A.S.
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To tell you the truth, while I thought the draft was entertaining (and I’m giving Joe the win, my friend, sorry), it was the candid comments towards each other’s sites that I found the most enjoyable. Mocking IP’s three dozen Star Wars movie reviews or 411’s infatuation with supple boobies was nicely and deservedly done. Looking forward to more Aaron and Joe collabos”¦M.M.
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Well, to quote Joe: Cam’s new site might not be a DUD, but it’s barely getting one star rating from me. Way too much cynicism for my tastes, Cam. All of your writers are pissed off about something (Hayhurst hates today’s youth, Mitch Michaels hates all things urban, Keith hates everything). Meanwhile, Joe’s only got to deal with Gloomchen’s dark cloud of angst once a week. Credit to you for stealing Haley, but Joe gets the props here.
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Wait a minute. Don’t get me wrong, cuz this whole draft thing was a great read. But, it seems a little disjointed in some places. I guess you had to make some edits for political purposes. Is there any way I can see the unedited version of the draft, assuming it exists and I’m not misreading this whole thing?…M.P.
Umm”¦well, it was edited and pretty heavily in some places. But, if there’s enough interest maybe I’ll throw up some of the “deleted draft comments” in this space. Of course, I’d probably have to make sure the 411/IP people that we playfully poke were cool with it. Maybe an enterprising young writer will post the whole thing on his (unaffiliated with Inside Pulse or 411) blog where anyone could”¦Reid it.
Life with the Bootleg Family
All of you who had “10 days” in the pool, come cash in your tickets.
Mrs. Bootleg has been a part-time employee since she essentially threw away her Master’s Degree for the sake of more motherhood at the end of May. She then took a week off because, Lord knows, you have to ease yourself into 20 hours a week.
This past Wednesday, the wife called me at around lunchtime:
“I don’t have anything to do. Is there anything you need or any errands you need me to run for you while I’m out?”
That’s a week and a half, kids. A week and half full of four hour work days and she’s already bored! And they wonder why we didn’t invite them to the Million Man March. (“I’m tired of marching. My feet are swollen. Oh, no she’s doesn’t have on the same outfit as me.”)
Is there anyone out there who thinks that the wife is going to make it to the end of year before those 1:00 PM mall walks and mid-day Maury Povich Shows start to get old?
Besides, if she wants entertainment, I’ve always found that a hot meal when I get home to be the epitome of exhilarating. Funny, but the wife seems to think otherwise. Here’s one of her favorite lines when I happen to walk through the door at the end of the day:
“What time do you want me to start dinner?”
By now, the big hand is on the “12” and the little hand is on the “7” (sigh”¦that’s 7:00 PM, Nick) and I’m wondering if I could hotwire Doc Brown’s De Lorean and whisk the wife to the Bootleg Kitchen of two hours ago.
Or, at the very least, run her over with my Saturn.
Oh, I’m kidding. Besides, who’d cook my dinner then?
It’s time for my second annual Father’s Day haul! Have your own kids and join in on the fun! Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM at ajcameron13.
