Yes, this column does still exist. I know it shocks me as much as it does you. However, I’m sitting here at a little after midnight on Friday/Saturday, and Smackdown’s just finished downloading, and i have the desire to do a column, because Christ knows that I’m trying to ration whatever medication I have left and I’m having trouble sleeping (I’m in sort of a constant mild daze right now and will be for weeks until this stuff clears out by the normal methods). So why the hell not do a column? Actually, I’m going to get this done now in order to put myself to sleep, so that I can wake up tomorrow morning refreshed in order to do what’s called a KSA (Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities) for a job with the Food and Drug Administration as a retail food inspector…
…yes, I know what you’re saying. However, I was a retail inspector long before I became a wholesale meat inspector, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Of course, I didn’t have many expenses at the time, seeing as my employer gave me food, lodging, and clothing (I seem to remember that I had to dress all in green for some unknown reason), so it was more relaxing, but I loved the hell out of it. Might as well try getting into it again, you know? Plus, the job’s in Dallas and I not only lived there for two years back in the early 80s (which is where I became a true fan of wrestling courtesy of WCCW), but I have relatives down there. Besides, the job involves a lot of travel, which I absolutely love. So I’m going to type that shit up over the weekend and e-mail it in to them. Hopefully I’ll hear something within a month or so from that. If not, no skin off my dick. Besides, it gives me something to do when the US Open isn’t on.
And if that doesn’t top it, the version of SD I downloaded had some encoding errors in the MPEG file. It kept showing up as being three minutes long. I had to reencode it using VirtualDub in order to get something working out of it (and VirtualDub was the only thing that would actually PLAY the son of a bitch with no problems, so you know there were some difficulties involved somewhere). Thank God I upgraded this machine, because thanks to the new processor and RAM, VirtualDub went through the file like shit through a goose. Only took a half hour or so to reencode it.
Enough of the personal stuff. So what happened on Smackdown other than a complete absence of ECW references (and, lo and behold, I agree with something else Milord said: it’s shocking that they didn’t follow up on the PPV on either show, those dumbasses)? Here goes…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Benoit over Doug Basham (Pinfall, reversal of some sort): Ugh. Total formula Benoit match, nothing we haven’t seen him do a thousand times before, including carrying of a complete load. And that ending looked…well, awkward would be a good word to use. This match just never seemed to have a real flow to it, and Benoit normally keeps things on an even keel in that regard. Just a match that could have been used to forward a Benoit/High-Quality Speaker Boy feud, and nothing else (made even less relevant by UT coming back during the beat-down). It just seems weird to think that Benoit could have been assisted by leeching off High-Quality Speaker Boy’s heat. Proof Positive that wrestling is the Bizarro World.
If Benoit hadn’t been stuck on Raw for over a year, selling for Doug Basham might be considered embarassing
Eddy Guerrero over Paul London, Non-Title Match (Submission(!), Texas Cloverleaf (!!)): Somehow it’s a bit more palatable to see Paul London given the “Make Him Look Good” treatment than it is to see Doug Basham receive the same. Maybe it’s a benefit for London, though, because if any of those ECW “auditions” on Epilepsy this week work out, London will need a bit more cred in order to look like a fighting champion. But that ending struck me as weird again. What kind of message was being sent? That Eddy can wrestle submission if it’s against a cruiser? And that since Rey-Rey’s a cruiser, Eddy can injure him at any moment? Can someone please explain what the bookers are on tonight?
Is Eddy a heel, or is it just constipation?
London does his flippy-flip thing on Eddy
The Big Show over Matt Morgan (DQ, Rican-ference): Oh, dear God, not another behemoth match. You know, if these guys weren’t visibly motivated (and I have no clue as to why they were), this thing would have been totally unwatchable instead of only partially unwatchable.
Where’s a Certs when you need one?
Orlando Jordan over Bob Holly, US Title Match (Pinfall, reversed sunset flip): Hmmm, surprisingly decent. You know, I think we’ve been underestimating Holly all of these years. The guy knows how to wrestle and brawl, he knows how to enhance talent, he can do solo or tag (and this match was something for him to do while Charlie’s off on his honeymoon*), and although he hasn’t been given a mic in a long time, memory tells me that he can cut a promo. Could it be that his horrid first impression as Sparky Plugg that’s been lingering in our collective memory for a decade now has blinded us to this guy, and it’s only now that he’s been getting some solid (as opposed to sporadic) midcard exposure that his real talents are starting to come through? I dunno; it may be giving him too much credit. But maybe a reevaluation is in order.
* – Apparently Charlie’s on his honeymoon alone because Jackie showed up during the Heidenreich segment. I don’t wish to speculate what he’s doing. Even I’m not that smutty.
If white guys from Alabama know one thing, it’s how to beat up black people
Just because your name is Jordan doesn’t mean you have to reach this kind of elevation
High-Quality Speaker Boy over the Undertaker, No Disqualification Match (Pinfall, Orton-ference): I pretty much blinked through this match until Orton’s entrance. It’s not like we haven’t seen this before, you know. I do have to give UT credit: his pregnancy leave left him energized. Neither guy was dragging their ass through this one, and that’s about the best we can hope for.
Look, you little f*cking punk, what did I tell you about that particular sign? Hope your parents have you insured.
This is even worse than selling for Doug Basham
Angle Developments:
A portrait of the Cabinet in break-up
Survive If The Language Lets You: Oh, Tazz. Using the phrases “eating chocolate balls” and “Hershey highway” during the commentary surrounding the Cabana? Did someone not get all of the ECW out of his system on Sunday night or what?
Here’s two people who don’t like Tazz’s potty mouth
Sins Of Omission: When Michelle and Melina went at it, my mind flashed back to Sunday when Styles unleashed his “Catfight!” call. I didn’t know how much I missed it until I heard it again. Now I wish he was there all the time for moments like this. Come on, guys, I laid out the scenario for doing that during Tuesday’s column. So pull the gooddamn trigger already.
The very definition of “cheap pop”
Like I Care About Him, But Just For The Sake Of Completeness…: Orton had his rep ruined by his bullshit one-month title reign, so the change in scenery was desperately needed. He’s got the insta-feud with the Undertaker (on the same basis that Angle has his with Michaels on Raw, the Wrestlemania match). SD needs another upper-mid-card heel with Angle gone. So, yeah, this is a good trade-off. But can Orton’s rep be salvaged, or will that take years of hard work and effort? And what is up for him after UT? I’d say Booker. Booker needs a feud with Angle gone, and he meets the “legend” criterion enough to keep up Orton’s rep. We’ll just have to wait and see.
And that puts this one in the books. Hey, I actually got in three columns this week. Will miracles never cease? We’ll be able to tell that next week, though, to see if I can keep it up. Until Tuesday, enjoy the weekend.
