Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Google, which has plans to introduce a payment system that will rival PayPal, in an effort by the company to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. The Saturday Swindle Sheet wishes them the best of luck with that.
I am making a promise that in the next few weeks I will start turning this column in on time. I get bogged down with my quarterly job as layout editor for Dispute Resolution Magazine near the end of every issue, and this past week has been really hectic, not mention that I’ve been putting in 50+ hours at my full-time job.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (SOVIET LEADERS EDITION)
Here’s a quick rundown of Soviet history, and how our own InsidePulse staff fit into the equation…
That_Bootleg_Guy was the one who started it all. After founding the Bolshevik party, he had Tsar Aleksandr III and his entire family assassinated, and later took over as the first Premier of the Soviet Union. When he died of a stroke in 1924, the Soviets wanted to cryogenically freeze his body, although they instead opted to remove his brain for science, and embalmed his body, which can still be seen at the [That_Bootleg_Guy] Mausoleum in Moscow. After [That_Bootleg_Guy]’s death, the leadership of the company was shifted to his general secretary…
Shawn M. Smith, who defeated Bolshevik Party rival Leon Trotsky and expelled him from the country. [Smith] is known throughout history as pretty big dick for having used repression and initiating the “Great Purge,” which was his way of consolidating his power by eliminating anyone whom he perceived to be an enemy or potential enemy. Many people were either executed by a firing squad, exiled, or sent to work in labor camps. Under [Smith], the USSR was changed from a poor peasant nation to an industrial powerhouse (kind of like Nine Inch Nails… take that Botter!) and the second most powerful country in the world, although most of it was due to the use of skullduggery. After [Smith]’s death in 1953, power was shifted briefly to his close confidante…
Michael Chadwick, who is often forgotten, as the guy who served between [Shawn M. Smith] and [D’Estroyer]. [Chadwick] was Premier for only a few months before he was joined by the new First Secretary, [D’Estroyer], who won a brutal power struggle between the two, within the Communist party. After taking power in September, [D’Estroyer] had his main rival, Lavrenty Beria, executed a month later for treason. [Chadwick] resigned 1955 after being accused of having ties to Beria, and later tried to get a group together to overthrow [D’Estroyer] in 1957. After that failed miserably, he was snuffed out by [D’Estroyer], and disappeared from the political circle, later to reemerge as David Hasselhoff. That’s right, you heard it here first.
[D’Estroyer] shocked the Soviet congress in 1956 when he made a speech that chastised [Shawn M. Smith] for having committed atrocities during the Great Purge, and accused him of capitalizing on something that would later become a huge hit for Living Colour in 1988. Living Colour is my favorite black metal band. [D’Estroyer] was regarded as a loose cannon by his rivals (and even his supporters) and had a very bad temper which he was not afraid to show regularly during diplomatic summits. He would often bang his fists on the table and yell loudly if he didn’t agree with something that was being said. Once he even called another delegate “a jerk, a stooge, and a lackey of imperialism,” pulling his shoe off of his foot and holding it up as to throw it at the man. He was finally deposed by rivals in the party, not only due to his abrasive behavior, but also after widespread disdain for having screwed the pooch with the Cuban missile crisis and the invasion of the Bay of Pigs.
Gloomchen took over as First Secretary after the aforementioned removal of [D’Estroyer] in 1964, as [she] had already been a pretty big political player in the USSR, having supervised the country’s defense program, as well as its space program and industrial and construction ministries. [She] became [D’Estroyer]’s Secretary of the Central Committee in 1963, and was involved in the plot to depose him. After taking power, [Gloomchen] reverted to some of [Shawn M. Smith]’s ways, and while [she] didn’t implement any of the genocidal atrocities that he had used, [she] did put into effect a stricter political policy, and gave the KGB a lot more power than it had had under [D’Estroyer]. She did, however, establish… meh, I’m really getting tired of writing this Soviet history stuff. I haven’t done this since college. Let’s try something different…
Kyle David Paul wears cowboy boots AND tight black jeans at the SAME TIME. Kyle David Paul beat up your father, and most of your uncles. Kyle David Paul never bought his wife tampons. Kyle David Paul parties with David Hasselhoff all day, every day! Kyle David Paul keeps his room at a toasty 78 degrees. Kyle David Paul always got more Halloween candy than his brother. Kyle David Paul hates Ovaltine. Kyle David Paul has never had the flu. Kyle David Paul enjoys backgammon. In 1992, Kyle David Paul was MVP on the Japanese “Hungry, Hungry Hippos” National Championship Team. He was always the orange hippo. Kyle David Paul once bowled a 374. Kyle David Paul despises Weezer. As a matter of fact, Weezer tried to get his band to tour with them, and Kyle David Paul gave them all atomic wedgies. ALL of them. Kyle David Paul shops at Value City. There are streets named after Kyle David Paul in 37 of the 50 states (Idaho is currently in the process of approving legislation to be the 38th state). Kyle David Paul invented peanut butter. Kyle David Paul enjoys trading on eBay. Kyle David Paul has never gotten a speeding ticket. In fact, Kyle David Paul issues speeding tickets to police officers. There are 23,456,765,789 blades of grass on Kyle David Paul’s front lawn. Kyle David Paul never rewinds videotapes he rents from Blockbuster. There is nothing they can do about it. Kyle David Paul has 20/20 vision. Kyle David Paul’s favorite dinosaur was stegosaurus. Kyle David Paul has not seen Star Wars. In fact, Kyle David Paul TP’d George Lucas’ house. Kyle David Paul hates Old Navy Commercials. Kyle David Paul did not invent Crystal Pepsi. Kyle David Paul prefers Campbell’s soup over other brands. Kyle David Paul has no problem eating bagged cereal. Kyle David Paul never has to pay roaming charges. Kyle David Paul’s abs glow in the dark. Kyle David Paul is the former mayor of Chooch, Nevada. Kyle David Paul doesn’t pay for the vowels he buys on Wheel of Fortune, nor does he have to phrase his answers in the form of questions on Rock & Roll Jeopardy. Kyle David Paul stole his teachers lunch money in 5th grade. Kyle David Paul never gets pop-ups or spam while surfing Elvis Web sites. Kyle David Paul took home a glowing piece of the Aggro-Crag on Nickelodeon GUTS. He beat out 10-year-old Brian “The Dodger” Rogers and 9-year-old Sean “Smiley” Riley. Kyle David Paul wears wool mittens instead of gloves in the wintertime. Kyle David Paul is always regular.1
NEWS TO USE
Linkin Park and Destiny’s Child were recently added to the Live 8 Philadelphia concert on July 2. They will be joining a confirmed lineup of Stevie Wonder, Bon Jovi, Jay-Z, Dave Matthews Band, Will Smith, The Sycophantic Shithead, Sarah McLachlan, Maroon 5, Rob Thomas, Keith Urban, and Kaiser Chiefs. 50 Cent was also scheduled to appear at the event, however, on Wednesday, a representative for the rapper told reporters that he would not be able to make it after all because he has to film parts for an upcoming movie. In a related story, Destiny’s Child will be breaking up after the completion of their summer tour, “Destiny Fulfilled… And Lovin’ It,” which will kick off in St. Louis, a week after the Live 8 performance. While I could have sworn that this actually happened about three years ago, following the launch of Beyonce’s solo career, it’s a possibility that I may have actually just imagined it, just like I may or may not have imagined this…
Rapper Cassidy (né Barry Reese) surrendered to Philadelphia police on Friday to face charges of murder, aggravated assault, reckless endangerment, weapons offenses, and whole slew of other things in connection with a drive-by shooting in April that killed a man and seriously injured two others. Authorities claim that Cassidy and two other men were driving in their car as they fired upon another car in their neighborhood as it sat in a driveway. It was reported that the men in the other car were unarmed, and they had no connection to the other three. As Cassidy’s new album, I’m a Hustla, is scheduled to be released on June 28, I’m sure at least one person on the forums will say that this is a marketing gimmick. Let me tell you something, this is as much of a marketing gimmick as if Cassidy ordered a bacon cheeseburger at Wendy’s… except that the bacon cheeseburger didn’t kill anybody. Sure, a pig and cow had to be killed to make that bacon cheeseburger, but the bacon cheeseburger and the ordering thereof most certainly did not kill a man and send two others to the hospital with life-threatening injuries. The point of all of this is that I’m drunk…
After jazz artist James W. Newton and supporters looked to appeal a decision to dismiss his lawsuit against the Beastie Boys in 2003, the Supreme Court decided not to review the case and let the original decision stand. Newton v. Diamond, et al. 204 F. Supp. 2d 1244, 1256 (C.D. Cal. 2002) was dismissed by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Pasadena after the judge found that a small sample of Newton’s “Choir” in “Pass the Mic” (off of 1992’s Check Your Head) “was de minimis and not actionable.” The Beastie Boys had paid a licensing fee for segment, but Newton claimed that they did not pay a supplementary licensing fee for the “underlying composition.” In a related story, when The Sycophantic Shithead heard that the court had ruled against Newton, he immediately set the entire composition of “Choir” to a bass beat, slowed it down a few notches, and added Black Rob and G. Dep, with Faith Evans singing a chorus that mirrors the chorus of “Don’t You Want Me?” by the Human League. Your little sister will love it.
Following up on a story from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #82…
Kid Rock (né Bob Ritchie) was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault on Wednesday after allegedly punching a DJ at a Nashville-area strip club. According to several witnesses, and the DJ, Jerry Campos, he was in the DJ booth speaking on the PA, when someone in the audience shouted some generic obscenities at him. Campos exchanged some heated words with the man, who was a friend of Kid Rock, apparently bouncing back some of his own insults. Kid Rock shouted at Campos to apologize, and when he refused, he approached the DJ booth and punched him in the face. The bar’s management called the police, but Kid Rock ducked out a back door before they arrived. They caught up with a few hours later at a nearby apartment where he was staying and arrested him. According to police reports, the singer told them that he had avoided them because he’d wanted to sober up before being booked. In a related incident, a Vanderbilt University campus police officer had pulled Kid Rock over shortly after he had left the strip club after he peeled out at a stoplight. The officer had reportedly smelled alcohol on the singer, but didn’t administer a sobriety test, instead letting him off with a warning, and getting an autograph. That officer was fired shortly thereafter for being an idiot, and probably for wanting Kid Rock’s autograph as well. That’s just unacceptable…
Campos filed a lawsuit against Kid Rock on Monday at a Circuit Court in Nashville, seeking $575,000 in punitive and compensatory damages. His suit states that he suffered “severe, disabling and permanent injuries.” Kid Rock had already pled no contest to criminal assault charges on that same day, receiving a sentence of 11 months and 29 days in jail, along with having to attend anger management counseling and pay $180 for having broken Campos’ glasses when he punched him. An additional $7 was tacked on for spilling his Red Bull and vodka.
After announcing last month that they’d be going on an “indefinite hiatus,” three quarters of Hot Water Music have come together in a new band called Draft, which will feature Chris Wollard, Jason Black, and George Rebelo. The only member not involved is Chuck Ragan, who disapproved of the band’s original name, which was the Anti-Chuck Ragan Band. Draft will be playing their first set on July 4 at the Common Grounds in Gainesville, Florida.
Quick Bits
Ronald Winans passed away on Friday at Harper Hospital in Detroit, of heart complications. The 48-year-old singer, who was part of the gospel quartet The Winans, had suffered a heart attack in 1997.
Bob Geldof announced on Friday that the Paris edition of the Live 8 concert series will take place outside of the Palace of Versailles. “We need an iconic building to represent the wealth of our countries.” he told reporters. “There is a great, rich symbolism.” Upon hearing this statement, France surrendered.
In other Live 8 news, after receiving criticism from the British music industry that not enough African artists are to be featured, the organizers of the events are also planning a concert in Cornwall, England, also on July 2. “Africa Calling,” which will showcase Youssou N’Dour, Maryam Mursal, Salif Keita, and others, and is being organized in part by Peter Gabriel.
Bob Dylan and Norah Jones will be featured in Amazon.com’s Web concert on July 16, which will be streamed live to celebrate the site’s 10th anniversary.
Jerry Lee Lewis and wife Kerrie Lynn McCarver Lewis have successfully concluded their divorce hearings, and the singer’s manager, J.W. Whitten, told reporters that Lewis is planning to tour this summer and release a new album this fall. It will feature a song with Jay-Z and production by The Neptunes. Hopefully most people will get that as a joke.
Richie Sambora will be playing guitar on the studio recording of American Idol loser Bo Bice’s song, “Vehicle,” which is a cover of 1970 Ides of March song. The song will appear as a B-side on the singer’s premiere single, “Inside Your Heaven,” which will be released on Tuesday.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Astralwerks…
Royksopp, The Understanding
On July 12th, Astralwerks will release The Understanding, the long-awaited, much-anticipated new album by Royksopp, one of the most world’s most celebrated & innovative electronic acts. Hailing from that hotbed of musical activity Norway, Royksopp’s last album Melody AM was a downtempo classic that sold over a million copies worldwide, and was named one of the best albums of 2001 by Rolling Stone, GQ, Entertainment Weekly, Jockey Slut and more. For their follow up, Royksopp combine the lush atmospherics of their debut with a more refined pop sensibility. An enthralling listening experience from start to finish, check out a preview of The Understanding HERE, and see them on tour this summer.
CLICK HERE for a full list of what Astralwerks artists are currently touring!
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Dionne Warwick, “Do You Know the Way to San Jose”
Blink 182, “Dammit”
Mr. Big, “To Be With You”
Depeche Mode, “Behind the Wheel”
The Whispers, “And the Beat Goes On”
Garbage, “Only Happy When It Rains”
La Bouche, “Be My Lover”
Peter Frampton, “Baby, I Love Your Way”
Local H, “Fritz’s Corner”
Luke Slater, “Only You”
Accept, “Balls to the Wall”
The Detroit Cobras, “Cha Cha Twist”
Type O Negative, “Everyone I Love Is Dead”
Neil Diamond, “Sweet Caroline”
Rancid, “Roots Radicals”
Fiona Apple, “Shadowboxer”
The Beta Band, “It’s Not Too Beautiful”
Dirty Vegas, “Days Go By”
Dr. Dooom, “Welfare Love”
The Smashing Pumpkins, “The End Is the Beginning Is the End”
Dr. Octagon, “No Awareness”
Pulp, “Common People”
Megadeth, “Almost Honest”
Godhead, “Eleanor Rigby”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Michael Jackson is a free man.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
Endnote
1 This may or may not have been aped verbatim from a certain tribute Web site to a certain actor who may or may not have starred in Full House.
