The Midnight News 06.20.05

You wrote: So yeah, we’ll see Matt Hardy vs Edge…. and it’ll be a potato factory, baby!!

What does “it’ll be a potato factory” mean?

Sash37

Unless “The Buzz on Professional Wrestling” LIED to us… it means the punches will be REAL… although technically, a “potato” is accidental… so I guess I SUCK, but I enjoyed the allegory, so blow me.

Hey Hyatte, get over it, everyone was fooled, but it was a good gag. Hey I’m impressed !! Your column rocks, keep em coming and chillax a little.

Stephen, (Dublin, Ireland)

I’m glad you were… now what the hell are you yammering about? And I will NOT chillax… fag! Chill your own ax, leave mine alone

I’ve thought of many reasons to say hi in the past year Cool Hy. But I just found my reason: RVD 4:20 means I JUST SMOKED YOUR ASS

Your Latin Mami in Miami

Rosie

Thank you baby… you never need to THINK of a reason with me, darling… just say hi and I’ll do the rest.

When I read your columns I read them with the anticipation of a 15 year old virgin about to get some ass. I luv you Hyatte. Share your protein with me.

Michelle

Oh… okay, why not. Stop over my place. I’ll share.

Hello rascals! Ladies STILL love Cool Hy and this is LLCH’s Midnight News! We are still rolling on with the Summer of Hyatte. I haven’t given up on it… I’m still JACKED about it… still having fun… still on a mission to give you one last run of productivity before making changes… and I’m still gonna wrap it all up with the long awaited And Another Thing: Independence on a Saturday Night for Labor Day. Crank up the A/C kids, cuz it’s getting HOT IN HERE!!!! WHOO HOOOOOOO!!!

And my e-mail is back… so direct all mail to the address at the bottom of this column… no more yahoo… it all goes to my big COX!!

Shall we get going? Oh yes.

(T)HERE’S (N)O (A)UDIENCE

So… what do you do when you are a wrestling company that’s losing money like Hyatte loses semen during a Viva La Bam MTV marathon?

What do you do when you’re television contract expires and you’ve gone weeks without ANY media exposure?

What do you do when your entire roster consists of 4 good wrestlers, 10 WWE cast-offs, 15 no-names, and Jeff Jarrett?

Why, you run a PAY PER VIEW!! That’s what!

And to make matters BETTER.. you run it in between the ECW reunion and an incredibly LOADED Raw PPV!!!!

Slammiversary is TNA’s June PPV… and this will be the one where the wrestlers get paid in Foodstamps (because why even BOTHER with the middle man here?)

I didn’t see it… give me a break for crying out loud… are you on drugs? I don’t watch TNA… I have SOME semblance of a social life, fer chrissakes… it ain;t much but it’s enough to skip THIS nightmare…

anyway…

-Jeff Jarrett was “arrested” for assaulting a fan… the thinking is he would not be able to participate in the “King of the Mountain” match and lose without making it look good. You see, Jeff is too damn GOOD to lose cleanly to anyone in that match, so it’s best to take him out of the equation.

-Then a bunch of people I don’t pay attention to and never really will wrestled various matches with various outcomes.

-And Samoa Joe debutted and really showed something…. his BELLY!! (*rimshot* BA-DUM DUM)

-Then Raven won the title…

And then JUST as I was about to blather on about how stupid this company is and how nutty wrestling in general is and how silly it is that the only competition that ever tries to go against McMahon seem to be redneck hicks who look quite happy walking around in bib overalls… some news came over the pipe…

It seems that TNA WILL get a one hour late night slot on Spike TV in October… right after RAW goes back to USA. That is a Saturday night. I knew they had something cooking… not with the contracts they are signing for AJ Styles, Chris Daniels, and Samoa Joe. Wrestlers may not be curing AIDS anytime soon, but they’re smart enough to not get on-board the Titanic just moments before it goes under. I knew they had SOME trick up their sleeve

SOOOO, if this is true… then Friday Nights will be Smackdown, Saturday nights will be TNA, and two Sundays a month will be PPVs… so networks executives, somehow, realize that rasslin’ fans will stay home on weekend nights to watch their favorites…

I wonder how they knew?

So what does TNA do for the FOUR MONTHS they will go without a TV outlet, but will continue to crank out a PPV each and every month?

Gee, maybe produce a TV show and show it on THE WEB FOR FREE??? Wouldn’t THAT be a unique idea? Cheap too! They say we are their core audience… why not give us something to watch online?

And ADVERTISE ON ALL THE SITES… just sticking to Scherer’s PW Insider isn’t going to help… it just makes you guys look like you beleive Dave Scherer’s hype… which no one else does. You actually turn people OFF by showing up on PWSpyware… advertise with us… advertise with 411mania… advertise with the Lords of Pain. Advertise with 1ryderfakin. Hell, And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H generated 200’000 views within its first few weeks, all on the strength of my promotion and a little word of mouth… reach out, you dumb f*cks… reach out FAR!!

Of course, they won’t listen… no one listens to me… let them burn into the ground… f-them… who cares. Nash rules.

BAH!!

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX-MRS TRISH HYATTE

It’s been six weeks… and a LOT has happened.

-Viscera is over, and apparently raping his way to Lillian Garcia’s heart.

-Lita is a HEEL… and still can’t work.

-Kane is pissed and heartbroken

-Edge is… Edge

-New HOT, HOT, HOT young stud John Cena is on her show…

-and Victoria is a heel too…

So this Monday, Trish Stratus returns to Raw… the hottest, smartest, prettiest, sexiest, EVILEST Heel chick, who just happens to own the Woman’s title, is BACK to remind everyone just who is the chick EVERYONE wants to see…

Is it a coincidence that she’s back just in time for the Edge/Lita wedding? Anyone remember what happened the LAST time Lita got married on TV?

Remember Who stole the segment and what she was wearing? (click the image) Think they’ll haul that dress out of mothballs?

Dear God… set those VCRs, people…

Of course, they might have brought her back just to trade her to Smackdown… which really, makes a LOT of sense. It would suck for her because… well… who wants to go to Smackdown??? Jesus.

Can’t wait to hear her say “aboot” again. You missed her, admit it.

MONGOOSE TALKS TUFF!!!

So, it was reported that “Y2J Chris Jericho went on a radio show and made some not-so nice comments about Bill Goldberg. This story almost started picking up some real steam until Jericho himself caught wind of it and nipped it in the bud:

Just a quick note to set the record straight. I was sitting in my hotel room in Portland Oregon doing some web surfing and I stumbled upon a post on Live Audio Wrestling.com that stated the following…Jericho shoots on Goldberg… I promptly clicked on the post to find out what it said, only to be surprised at an article stating the comments that I made on Real Rock 98 out of Phoenix Arizona completely burying Goldberg. Only problem is, I never appeared on Real Rock Radio in Phoenix or any other city this morning. I was too busy playing with my son and flying to Portland!

So that means that either Live Audio Wrestling is lying or some jackass actually wasted his time impersonating me on the radio!

Either way I just want to say that I have no ill will towards Bill. If I saw him today I would shake his hand and give him a hug. As much as people would like to believe that there is huge amounts of hatred and animosity between us, the bottom line is…there isn’t. What is done is done and I think that Bill is doing a great job with his acting nowadays and I hope someday we’ll meet again.

Maybe we’ll have to meet again, in order to join up and whip the asses of the people who won’t let the events of our past….personal events at that…fade away!
So that’s it and Bill if you’re reading this….cheers mate!!

The nerve of some people… putting WORDS in people’s mouths like that (see below)

But anyway… I was curious… so I hunted around and found a whole bunch of stuff he said to various media outlets… or stuff the outlets CLAIMED he said… I collected a bunch of the meatier ones and forwarded them to his WWE e-mail address… shock of all shocks, I got a reply!!! It seems that some of the things I sent hin he DID say… and others he did NOT… and he wanted to clear the air once and for all…

-Did he tell the “Orlando Sentinel”: Canadian girls are hairy Otter beasts and all the best poon is in America? Yes, he did.

-Did he tell “Playboy Magazine”: I don’t wear a cup in the ring because the ropes feel nice when you rub them in the right spot? No he did NOT

-Did he tell “The Cleveland Plain Dealer”: I’m in a race with Trish to see who can bang the most rats in one month? Dear god NO.

-Did he tell “The Rosco and Hank Morning Whacky Whack House” on Tulsa 98 FM Rock: Jesus, 80% of the Raw locker room are freakin’ homos? Yup.

-Did he tell “Foxy Cotton’s Drivetime Happy Hour” on KWood’s Classic Rock in Billings, Montana: Whenever we see Stephanie walking around bowl legged we know she just had a “meeting” with John Cena. Yeah, he said that.

-Did he tell “The Salt Lake Tribune”: I love it in Utah, there are no blacks. No, he did NOT.

-Did he tell “The London Times”: I love coming to this town. The coke is AWESOME! No he DID NOT… he said the “heroin” was awesome

-Did he tell “Chimpy the Monky Queen” on Vancouver’s “Hoser Rock Radio” What I really want to do is sing a duet with Justin Timberlake? Yeah, he did.

-Did he say to Slam Sports.com: I think I have a disease. My dick keeps falling off.? I’m afraid he did.

-Did he tell Dave Meltzer: I pushed Owen.? NO!! He said D-Lo Brown did it.

-Did he tell Sports Illustrated’s Steve Rushin: God, I’d give this fake shit up in a heartbeat for two minutes on Oiler ice? Bet’cha ASS he did.

-Did he confess to “Blue Boy Magazine”: Of course I am. Have you seen what I do for a living?? I couldn’t get a yes or no out of him for this one.

-Did he admit to “Gene Simmons Tongue” magazine: The difference between me and Rob Feinstein is that he got caught? Oh of COURSE he didn’t.

-Did he tell El Paso’s KStud FM’s “Keg-boy and Chester: I always piss in Hunter’s protein shake when his back is turned? Heh, sneaky bastard did say that.

-Did he reveal to Sirius sattlelite’s “BJ Hair-Fest Showgram”: Christian likes it when I fart in his face? Yes, he did.

-and finally, did he reveal to Ugo.com: I know who Dave Scherer is? Don’t be silly, of course he didn’t. He actually said that he knew who “Chris Hyatte” is… NOT Dave Scherer.

So there you go… the record is now, offically, clean.

Dude should really be more careful next time.

SOILED SHEETS

So there I was, minding my own damn beeswax, clicking open the latest issue of the Torch (fo’ FREE) and wondering just what unnecessary bullshit that no-talent Pat McNeill was going to waste my time (and YOUR good money) with when THIS interesting notation caught my eye…

CLARIFICATION: MCMAHON-RUDE CORRECTION

WWE attorney Jerry McDevitt emailed the TORCH with concern over the wording in a recent editorial regarding Rick Rude and Vince McMahon discussing steroid usage. Mitchell wrote in the May 21 edition of the TORCH within a “Mitchell’s Memo” column about messages he believed McMahon was sending to wrestlers during the May 16 edition of Raw:

The late Rick Rude once testified in Federal Court that when he explained to Vince McMahon that he and his wife wanted to have a child so therefore he couldn’t use steroids for a while, McMahon responded, “Have kids on your own time.”

The TORCH is retracting that sentence and clarifying that there is no testimony indicating McMahon ever said those exact words. Mitchell’s format of wording gave the impression that was an actual quote from testimony, rather than being the essence of what Mitchell interpreted from reports of Rude’s testimony at the 1994 Vince McMahon steroid trial.

The TORCH originally reported the following regarding Rick Rude’s testimony at the 1994 Vince McMahon steroid trial:

Rude told the story of how he was off steroids because he was trying to start a family with his wife and steroids tend to lower the user’s testosterone level. He said that McMahon commented to him at a TV taping that “I didn’t look good.” He said McMahon was happy with his wrestling and interviews, but not his look. “I told him I was trying to establish a family so I was not on anything. He told me to push myself. I understood that to mean I wasn’t taking anything (but should be).” “You mean steroids,” asked (U.S. government prosecutor Sean) O’Shea. “Yes,” said Rude.

On (Jerry) McDevitt’s cross-examination, McDevitt established that McMahon was concerned about Rude partying too much and warned him against smoking and that McMahon never told Rude to go to Zahorian for steroids. Rude said he wouldn’t have injected steroids around McMahon because it’s not something you’d want to do in front of the boss.

No malice was intended on Mitchell’s part. It was intended, within the context of the editorial, to convey that McMahon has a history, when dealing with wrestlers and employees, of sending messages regarding what he expects of them and how people have come away from such interaction believing he expects them to put their careers ahead of anything else – including family.

Vince Russo made a similar point in various interviews, including the recent Ultimate Insiders DVD, stating that when Russo told McMahon he wanted more time to spend with his family, McMahon told him to hire a nanny.

Wrote McDevitt: “Nowhere in the entirety of Mr. Rude’s testimony does he say, or imply, that Mr. McMahon said, ‘Have kids on your own time,’ a crass remark put in quotes to make it appear as if those were the actual words said by Mr. McMahon when in fact the actual words were that having kids was great.”

For those of you who don’t bother to follow along with these shenanigans, this is what happened…

The Torch is a long running newsletter run by Adam’s Apple Wade Keller… it’s never come close to Dave Meltzer’s “Wrestling Observer” and Keller never, ever, will have access to the types of sources Meltzer has, so he makes do by focusing on WRITERS and less on NEWS…

So, basically, the Torch is a website you have to pay for.

The biggest gun in Keller’s stable is Bruce Mitchell, who has a great voice for writing and a lousy voice for radio… which doesn’t stop Keller from running a weekly “Mitchell Audio Special” where he asks Mitchell questions then sits quietly as Mitchell talks for minutes on end with a super thick, extra dense hillbilly delux Northern Carolina accent.

Recently, and I think its because he threatened to sign on and write for Meltzer, Keller has been cranking up the ass kissing on his star. Listen to Keller at the end of any audio and you will hear a grown man give another grown man a verbal tonguebath that will make you question your FAITH in society.

Now Mitchell is THE star of the Torch, make no mistake. He gets his own Audio show on the Torch, but its “moderated” by Wade Keller because… well, because A: Bruce is too cheap/lazy/cool to own his own net recording equipment, B: Bruce’s Carolina accent is so thick Keller feels he needs a translater, or C: Keller thinks he and Mitchell can be wrestlings version of Meet the Press, because, you know, professional wrestling should be debated SERIOUSLY…

Plus, after a few years of realizing that this ding dong web won’t just DIE, Keller embraced the Internet and opened a pay area for his Torch subscribers, the VIP area offers the Torch newsletter for free, exclusive bullshit (James Guttman is just not f*cking funny), and their very own message board… including a few dedicated just for individual writers…. including Bruce Mitchell.

Then factor in the fact that Mitchell has CELEBRITY friends like Mark Madden, Dave Meltzer, and Johnny Fairplay… two of which drop in on his forum and make posts. (Meltzer isn’t one of them)

So, after a few years of writing for the Torch, after a few years of Keller’s brown nosing, after a few years of being told he is the most influential wrestling writer in the dirt sheet business, Bruce Mitchell FINALLY let his head expand to the point where he went ahead and attributed a quote to Vince Mcmahon that Vince was never caught saying…

Bruce Mitchell, a PROFESSIONAL wrestling writer, put words in Vince McMahon’s mouth… he lied in order to get his agenda across.

The dumb hillbilly f*ckhead.

Just so we’re clear… Mitchell did NOT expound and theorized about what Vince was thinking. He did NOT muse about Mcmahon’s intentions… he put quotation marks around a sentence and claimed McMahon made that comment. Not paraphrased, he ATTRIBUTED!

This was not a mistake. it was not an error. And it almost gave the WWE a chance to sue Wade Keller’s pants right off his bony ass. Mitchell’s arrogance could have cost Wade Keller his whole Newsletter.

Am I serious? Hell yeah. WHy? Because Keller CHARGES people for the Torch. Mitchell is under CONTRACT and gets paid for services rendered. This isn’t free labor here, when you charge someone for your work, when you call yourself a “News Source” you have a legal obligation to always speak the truth. You cannot make shit up like you can here on the web. Mitchell didn’t make something up for entertainment purposes, he structured it as a legitimate quote to further his point that Vince McMahon supports and encourages and damn near DEMANDS his employees use steroids.

After years of being told he was the greatest thing since edible panties, Bruce Mitchell let his big-ass head get carried away and arrogantly thought he could get away with it.

Keller, being the biggest dweeb on two legs, was more excited to get ANY sort of recognition from the WWE than anything else. I’m sure, after he feels things have calmed, he’ll start bragging about how EVERYONE in the WWE reads the Torch!! He’ll use this to trumpet the all-mighty Mitchell… the All-Mighty BRUCE!

Meanwhile, he’ll probably never realize just how his star writer could’ve cost him his entire livelihood.

Oh, I’m SURE this’ll blow right over… but if there is anything you can learn from this… it’s that EVERYONE who writes about wrestling, no matter who they are, no matter how much “credibility” they have… they are all, no matter how hard their boss and co-workers worship them, they are ALL full of shit… we all are. No one in this IWC/Dirtsheet crap is legit… EVERYONE is a phoney. And no matter how hard guys like Keller try to make professional wrestling feel like a “real” sport and how make his newsletter feel like a “real” news source, it’s f*ck-ups like this that should remind you why no one takes professional wrestling seriously. You don’t see Rick Reilly putting words in George Steinbrenner’s mouth and acting like he was right there when George said it.

Oh, what was Mr. Humble’s reaction to this? How sorry was Mitchell after he was caught in a bald-faced lie?

Hey, I understand I have an obligation to get every single part of it right and this time I didn’t. For that, I’m sorry. That doesn’t mean the issue doesn’t exist.

Yeah, he feels real bad. Maybe next time he’ll say something bad enough to allow the WWE to finally snuff out “The Torch” for good… that’ll prove his point.

Good job, newsboy. A real credit to this ridiculous industry.

Meanwhile, during all this, Pat McNeil continues to write a column for the newsletter each and every week… and every week he is completely ignored. Maybe the most boring, pointless paid writer in existence. Just there to fill space, that’s Pat McNeil’s role for the Torch. Plus he has a HORRIBLE radio voice. No matter how “broadcaster” he tries to sound, his raspy wheeze is the equivalent to “white noise”. He can die with a big black shaft in his mouth too… they all can.

Gah… everyone I’ve ever read when it comes to pro wrestling is a douchebag. Every. One.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*The most common time for a bank robbery is Friday, between 9 and 11 a.m. The least likely time is Wednesday, between 3 and 6 p.m.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Kevin Costner?

Another guy that can get bent.

Flea, the man who ALL my ex-bitches run to.

What’s wrong with Costner? I dunno.

THE BRAND SPLIT IS BETTER FOR YOU

Is taking a break… until the Lottery wraps up and both shows go back to being individual and distinct. Meanwhile, let’s spend a few weeks bringing back an old favorite…

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Anus-slammer, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a supporter of Rob Feinstein too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because

Two years ago he was the first guy to actually let Ric Flair flip over the corner rope, run to the other corner, climb to the top, and jump off without grabbing him and throwing him. You KNOW he did it just to see what Flair had in mind. In twenty years NO ONE has let Flair jump, IT’S RESPECT, PEOPLE!!!

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Plus, the jacked up bastard might surprise everyone and start working Tuesday nights. Wouldn’t THAT shake shit up?

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Haven’t done this in a while…

Top five ten movies of the week, daddio!! With real live INSIDE PULSE MOVIE REVIEWS INCLUDED

1) Batman Begins: $46.9 million ($71.1 million total). A serious, dead hetero, sincere story about the creation of a comic icon… of a Dark Knight! I proud day for fan boys everywhere! A sad day for the gay people who embraced Joel Schumacher’s homoerotic vision for the last two movies. YOU LOST YOUR CHAMPION, BOYS!!! BATMAN PLAYS FOR THE HOME TEAM AGAIN!!!!

Katie Holmes needs it in the butt…. rudely…. and dry. So does Christian Bale for that matter… and I’m sure they BOTH… well, we won’t go there (although I wouldn’t be shocked if they did.. ho HO!!!)

2) Mr. and Mrs. Smith: $27.3 million ($97.7 million total). Since no one else seems to see this, let me shine the light oif TRUTH here… Brad Pitt can’t act… PERIOD. He makes Ben Affleck look like Sean Penn

Angelina Jolie, on the other hand, CAN act… she just chooses to let her lips do all the work…. I think she’s all hype anyway… all contrived.

3) Madagascar: $11.1 million ($147.3 million total). A cartoon about animals in the zoo… you realize that if the Civil War went a little differently, the animals here would be replaced by black people? You southern idiots… thank GOD us Yankees kicked your doofy asses!

Of course… replace “zoo” with “prison” and then the animals would HAVE to be replaced… err… nevermind. Kill whitey.

God, the only people who belong in a zoo are those crazy Polacks… everyone knows that.

4) Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith: $9.7 million ($347.8 million total). It’s PG-13. NOT for the violence or the dark tones… but because no child under 13 should be exposed to such ridiculous DIALOGUE without a parental authority nearby to explain to them that George Lucas hasn’t communicated with anyone normal in over 20 years.

5) The Longest Yard: NASH, GODDAMMIT!!! NASH!!!

6) The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl: $6.6 million ($23.9 million total). I’m getting pretty goddam sick and awfully f*cking tired of Robert Rodriquez. We don’t need 20 movies a year from him. I’ll settle for one good one.

7) The Perfect Man: $5.5 million opening weekend. Can we all agree that in the war between Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan… Duff won by sitting quiet while Lindsay had a meltdown that made Britney Spears say, “Damn, girl… stay home and chill once in a while.”

.8) Cinderella Man: $5.2 million ($43.9 million total). The irony being… Rene Zellwigger sort of looks like a Jack O Lantern… get it? Cinderella…. pumpkin…. Zellwigger… Jack O Lantern? Hee hee hee Hyatte rules.

9) The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: $3.2 million ($30.2 million total). I don’t know what the f*ck this movie is, and I don’t care. Smells like a dyke movie.

10) The Honeymooners: $2.6 million ($9.5 million total). Someone should sue Cedric the Entertainer for false advertising.

And there you have it.

I should point out that 95% of the movie reviews I linked were reviewed by someone named Scott “Kubryck” Sawitch… whom I never heard of… and do not know why he is on my site without my approval… which reminds me that I don’t know pretty much ANY of the writers here other than… umm… Eric and… err…. does Flea still do a regular column? Umm… GLOOMCHEN… yeah, she still around?

Anyway… this Kubryck dude likes his movies… good going, dude! I wonder if Widro pays him like he used to pay Jacob Ziegler at 411?

While we are in this movie motif…

DOING LINES… CAUGHT ON FILM

What I do here is take lines from movies/tv shows and put them here for your amusement and/or delight! Neat, huh?

Of course, I need YOUR help, with submissions and what not. A fellow by the name of Justin Parr has been helping me out with these for years!

This week… well, I like this week’s batch, real eclectic, with a heavy focus on television shots. You’ll enjoy it…

01): Are you in the Mafia?

Am I in the what?

Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.

That’s total crap, who told you that?

Dad, I’ve lived in the house all my life. I’ve seen the police come with warrants. I’ve seen you going out at three in the morning.

So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?

Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?

I’m in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you’re mobbed up. It’s a stereotype. And it’s offensive. And you’re the last person I would want to perpetuate it.

Fine. There is no Mafia.

Alright look, Mead, you’re a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?

At least you don’t keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it’s actually kinda neat.

They seen The Godfather, right?

Not really. “Casino” we like, Sharon Stone, the 70’s clothes, pills…

I’m not asking about those bums. I’m asking about you.

Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like… Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.

Oh, and I’m not.

You finally told the truth about this.

Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market…

Look, Dad, please, okay? Don’t start mealy-mouthing.The Sopranos

02): First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. “Oh, Debbie. Hi.” Two, you always call the shots. “Kiss me. You won’t regret it.” Now three, act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be. “Isn’t this great?” Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move. “Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.” And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.Fast Times at Ridgemont High

03): You don’t want to walk around on fire for the rest of your life, do you?

Is that a trick question?The Fantastic Four

04): Bruce Lee ain’t dead you know. They got him frozen in carbonite down under Chatsworth. They’re gonna melt him down as soon as the economy gets better.DC Cab

05): I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what’s going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I’m just so glad you didn’t die before I told you that.Desperate Housewives

06): What is he doing?

I’m building up my energy to destroy the world.

Funny how building your energy and sitting on your ass looks like the same thing.Buffy the Vampire Slayer

07): 07): We can’t let them get away with that. I mean, they treated her like she was their horse. We may be whores but we’re not horses.Unforgiven

08): Our Savior Jesus, help me do this right and I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black men.The Longest Yard

09): And I’m tired of hearing the story of how you found an onion ring in your french fries! That was twenty years ago!

IT WAS MY WOODSTOCK!!The Simpsons

10): If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I’d take in the ass for an Oscar.

You’d take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.Entourage

And there you go…

I’m starting to dig that Entourage show… except it’s only 8 half hour shows a year… that’s HARDLY a TV show…

Back to #8… in case you didn’t hear, the re-made Longest Yard is CURRENTLY in theaters and is CURRENTLY being stolen by resident Bane of Smark Existence KEVIN F-IN NASH!!!!! YOU HEAR ME??? NASH OWNS THIS FLICK!!!! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

And back to #9… it’s lines like that which makes The Simpsons STILL the best goddam show in the whole goddam world… those creeps at The Family Guy can suck my right nut.

And let’s take this biscuit home with a final thought… a nip of cognac after a heavy meal

CHAT SCRATCH FEVER

I was sitting online, minding my own business, when…

KCQ98: So I’m wearing an NWO t-shirt….watching an ECW PPV…and “World Wrestling Federation” is a past tense term. It’s f*cking Bizarro Worl
Hyatte1com: no, you’re in Geek World

KCQ98: If I only I had their money.
Hyatte1com: that would break the stereotype

KCQ98: ‘Sides, Geeks hang in large groups of fellow geeks.
KCQ98: So I just prefer being Uncool. Suits me better.
Hyatte1com: carpe diem

Fear not little trooper… you DEFINE Uncool… mission accomplished.

However, geeks do not hang out with a large number of ANYTHING, except for wrestling tapes… of course.

I’m done. The Summer of Hyatte rolls through ANOTHER week! Next week, we continue with lots of stuff… lots and lots… TONS DAMMIT!!!

And I better start getting some e-mail luv here… or it’ll be time for ol’ Hyatte to re-assess his priorities… just so you know.

Creeps…. ungrateful creeps.

This is Hyatte