WHO LOVES YOU, AND WHO DO YOU LOVE?!
That’s right baby.
Faster than a running man…
More musical than the Dynamo….
Sharper than the Buzzsaw…
And cooler than Subzero…
It is time for America’s Favorite Raw Report…
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us are:
Dani aka “Team Get A Towel”
Jenna aka “The Black Widows”
Hernandez aka “Mavericks”
and Me aka “The Rabble Rousers”
Nobody else has arrived, but those our names over in WWE FANTASY at Team Inside Pulse.
Tonight we have a Kurt / Batista Main Event.. let’s get it on!
Starting we get the invitation to Lita’s Wedding tonight with Edge.
“How many invitations will we see with her name on it?” – Jenna
And coming out first iiiisssss… JOHN CENA!
“Hey look it’s not Jericho!” – Hernandez
Cena grabs the mic and the crowd apparently can see him, otherwise they wouldn’t be cheering him so much. HA! Oh that’s a zinger. He seems to be a bit confused how a person can be his teammate one moment – and attack him the next. This is Monday Night Raw!
“Thanks for telling us that” – Dani
So Christian attacks his face. Good work. Chris Jericho wants to make it personal.
“He wants to spill a cup of coffee on him.” – Hernandez
So John invites them both down to the ring right now. Forget Vengence, he wants them NOW!
“Enter Bischoff” – Me
Oh, well guess not.. we get Hassan and Akbar to whine for a bit. Cena is a moaning, bitching, complaining American, apparently. The bit wears thin, when honestly – Cena wasn’t whining, nor complaining. Anyway, Cena rags on him hard saying that people don’t hate him because he’s Arab-American. They hate him because he’s Asshole-American…. Cena decides he’ll face off against Hassan TONIGHT…
Oh, wait – HERE comes Bischoff.
Not only does Cena have to face Hassan tonight – he’s gotta face him for the title..
Cena’s cool with that. So he takes off his shirt and is ready right now. Hassan, even though he is in his wrestling trunks and full garb.. he needs some time to limber up or something. Expect that match at the 10pm hour.
Okay, Rabble QUestion Time – Batista/Angle?
Hernandez – “Four Man Clusterf*ck.”
Dani – “Triple H beats Angle with the hammer to guarantee his match versus Batista.”
Jenna – “Angle wins – proving he’s the top guy”
Me – “I predict two dead refs, with Shawn making the final count for the pin.”
We come back to Bischoff in the ring..
Hernandez picks Big Show
I predict Charlie Haas
Dani picks Randy Orton
Jenna picks Crash Holly… weird.
Okay, first off Bischoff invites Shelton Benjamin to the ring. He discusses how he won the IC in October – how it’s been a long journey – how he beat Chris Jericho… Shelton rips the mic from his hand and predicts that he’ll have to face the next Draft Pick…
“That…… EES COOL!” – Dani
Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin
IC Title Match
Well given Carlito’s history – he has a good shot of winning this one. Match starts with Carlito kicking and chopping Shelton to the corner. Shelton fights out of it, with huge fists. Tosses Carlito to the ropes and Carlito bails. He comes back in and gets tossed again and a big fist to his head and he bails… again.
Shelton charges, goes for the flying crossbody, his foot catches the rope with his toe.. and the ref charges out of the ring to make sure he’s ok.
We come back, and CCC has Benjy in a chin lock. They show the toe-trip up twice more, but it seems Shelton is ok as Shelton fights up and then gets knocked back down for a two count. Carlito fists the hell out of Shelton’s face, and continues to get 2 counts. Front facelock from CCC to Shelton. Shelton fights to his feet again and elbows CCC’s gut – they hit the ropes and double clothesline knocks both of them out. They get to their feet, and exchange fists. Shelton gets the upperhand, and shoulderblock, followed by a back body drop.
Shelton climbs to the top, but Carlito follows quickly and chops Shelton up on the top turnbckle. They fight at the top – and Carlito ends up taking the dive after multiple headbutts. Shelton almost falls off the top turnbuckle.. he does look a little shaky. We’re predicting concussion to Shelton. Benjy DOES get the double underhook bridge pin for two.
Shelton immediately gets hit HARD into a DDT for 2. Shelton comes back quickly with a Shelty-Splash – and a Samoan Drop – 2 count! Shelton brings Carlito into the corner, goes to pull him up for another suplex.. Carlito blocks it.. rolls Shelton up.. Grabs the rope.
1.. 2.. 3… WE HAVE A NEW IC CHAMPION!
WINNER: CARRIBEAN CARLITO COOL!
Not the best match from either man, but Shelton really looks like he knocked himself senseless. Hopefully he’s ok.
Dani spends the entire commercial break gloating because she picked him as her Fantasy pick.
In the back, Edge is getting dressed.
Who is in the audience, but Superstar Billy Graham!
In the back, Carlito is backstage with Boobage McTahTah.
“Carlito, you just won – how did you do it?” – Boobage
“How? I.. I pinned him 1.. 2.. 3..” – Carlito.
Carlito then gets an apple and spits all over her. Nice.
Back in the ring, here comes Viscera, dressed in what can only be described as.. a huge curtain. He is facing Simon Dean who before the match even begins, makes fun of him. I would too given that Viscera is wearing an ascot.
Viscera vs. Simon Dean
Lillian gets wet match..
Match starts with Viscera tossing Nova into the corner and a couple of huge chops. Viscera paces after him, and Dean tries to take advantage by booting Dean in the knee.. in the face.. he turns around to talk to Lillian – and Viscera counters with a huge rolling kick and a Rick Rude gimmick infringement.
Viscera humps *eww* and the Viscera-Bomb. Easy win.
Viscera now invites Lillian into the ring, where Lillian says that Visc is gonna get lucky at Vengence.
“Put a donut on his finger!” – Bill (just arriving)
“mmm… ring pop” – Jenna
Now a review of the Diva search.. The RABBLE Diva Search!
Here are TWO entrants into the Rabble Diva Search!
You still can get in on it. RABBLEDIVA@GMAIL.COM
Backstage, Chris Jericho discusses why wrestling is interesting to him again – part of it has to do with the fact that he hasn’t had a title match in near three years. His interest in wrestling will increase as he beats Cena at Vengence. Christian feels that Jericho is overlooking the fact that Hassan might win.. just like Jericho overlooks Christian.
“At least he doesn’t wear a big gay ‘C'” – Bill
Christian also seems to think that Jericho, like Fozzy… sucks.
“Hey look.. more filler” – Me
A video package about Trips and Batista.
Bischoff watching the video package, and Angle comes in to discuss how Batista and Michaels are going to have a bad month. He is going to dedicate his win to a GM that he can respect.
“Do you have a dick Eric.. can I suck it?” – Bill
“..Sure!” – (Erik) Hernandez
They coddle each other for a few more minutes. They hug.
“YES! Asskissing Angle is back!” – Me
“It’s True! It’s True.” – Hernandez
In the ring, the wedding has been all set-up .. that’s apparently coming next.
“I don’t think she should be allowed a white wedding.” – Dani
We’re back – and we have a Minister. Coming out to his own theme music though… EDGE! Leather pants, leather tie, leather hat.. skull & crossbones motif.
“Why’s the rum gone!?” – Bill
“Where are the midgets??!?!” – Dani
I stand by that there is no wedding until I see Trish. As a matter of fact here comes Lita wearing what we can only refer to as a white shee tied precariously.. holding her nipples up using what we predict is scotch tape.
“So is that priest catholic?” – Dani
“Not anymore..” – Me and Hernandez
” ‘I’ve lost the urge to f*ck little boys’ ” Bill
“Somewhere, Matt Hardy is crying with Kane” – Hernandez
“Cutting” – Dani
The crowd is chanting ‘We Want Matt’ as we go to the over the top video package of the love story between Lita and Edge. Awesome. Mainly because the entire package is interspersed with footage of Kane crying.
The footage ends with Lita and Edge suckling face. There is a ‘Large, unusual looking man’ who wishes to say something… and of course, it’s a false sell for Snitsky, wearing a ripped up tux. Hot. Snitsky wrote them a special passage for them entitled ‘It’s Not My Fault… you fell in love.’
Once again, WWE goes so past good taste that it makes it funny again! Gene actually rhymes the word ‘do to us’ with ‘uterus’.
“I want that on my Christmas cards” – Jenna
Edge’s vows include referring to him as ‘Money In The Bank’
The crowd finds this entire thing ‘Boring’.
Lita’s vows include getting flustered as the crowd screams ‘Slut!’
“This entire bit has gotten really uncomfortable.” – Me
The preacher does the ‘forever hold your peace bit’… the room is all chanting for different people. Anyone.
THE ENTIRE ROOM GOES FUCKING NUTS AS MATT HARDY’S MUSIC PLAYS!!!!!
THE ENTIRE CROWD IS FROZEN!
Lita and Edge start laughing… VINCE IS A PRICK!
“I’m sorry… I just couldn’t resist” – Edge
“..not funny.” – Jim Ross
“Does anyone feel really dirty” – Dani
Just as the vows are about to be solidified.. Kane’s head appears underneath a floral arrangement! He goes after Lita, but Edge hits him in the head – and Lita/Edge bail. Kane then goes and destroys the styrofoam set. Kane finishes by lifting up the preacher… and grinning dirtily.
Of course.. Tombstone to the priest. Only in the WWE can I say that it is natural that a preacher gets tombstoned.
“Dammit.. we still didn’t get a Matt Fact” – Hernandez
“Matt Fact – Matt is still fired..” – Hernandez
“Matt Fact – Vince just made me soil myself” – Me
“Matt Fact – Vince really is the devil” – Dani
“Matt Fact – Everybody watch the crowd’s heart explode” – Jenna
“Matt Fact – Never let Vince own your character.” – Dani
“OOOoooooo…” – Collective
From the Inside Pulse Forums:
“I think it would’ve been funny if Hardy came out with his gun” – Hevia
On the replay:
“Coming up from the slit in the ground, Kane looks like an angry little clitoris.” – Bill
In the back, Kane goes for an interview with Coach.. instead he hits them and threatens them through the camera. Dani has declared that henceforth, Kane needs Mike Tyson quotes, as it seems they have taken him off of his Zoloft.
“Kane will eat your children!” – Dani
“Kane will gut you like a fish!” – Bill
Backstage, talking to ‘Todd’.. is Christy! She looks kind of drawn out actually. Vince once again, feeds his Diva heroin. Nice. Everytime Christy thinks of that.. bitch.. Christy goes CRAZY! Then Victoria smashes her in the back of the head with a bowl of Kero syrup.
“SHE’S PASSED OUT – QUICK TAKE OFF HER SHIRT!” – Bill
“Grab the lotion!” – Hernandez
“Screw the lotion.. grab my dick.” – Me
“Todd’s thinking.. just like my first date without the chloroform” – Hernandez
“Next time Todd talks to Christy, he should give her $5 and say ‘Thanks’ – Dani
In the back they are trying to fix Christy, adding a neckbrace and asking her name..
“How long has she been down?” – EMT Guy
“Since she was 15..” – Me
“Does she have Krispy Kreme eyes?” – Bill
Here comes Hassan with Akbar.
“Muhammad with his second wife Davari” – Hernandez
His opponent of course.. John Cena.
JOHN CENA vs. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
WWE Title Match.. Which Might Be A Trap
The lock up starts the match, and Cena tosses Hassan – and goes for the big charge, and clotheslines him over the top. Cena follows and charges again attacking Akbar and Hassan. Cena tosses in Hassan, but Hassan gets up in time to attack while Akbar holds Cena’s legs.
Hassan chokes him out and goes for the pin of 2.
Snap suplex from Hassan. 2 Count. Cena fights up to this feet, punches and headbutts and two short clotheslines, and a sloppy hiptoss, and Cena has got it all set-up now.
“How do I become a Doctor of Thuganomics.” – Dani
“You must go to the School of Hard Knocks” – Bill
Cena gets the Five Knuckle Shuffle – The F-U – The Pin.
“How anticlimactic.” – Dani
“What an.. amazing end.. to Hassan’s run…” Hernandez
As Cena goes up the path – here comes Jericho.
“Or as I like to call him.. DARK JERICHO” – Bill
Christian charges out, and then he and Jericho fight over who gets to fight Cena. Christian lets Jericho have him, he hits him once more and they both leave. Jericho stops and stares at Cena’s belt.
In the back, Christian is leaving – he stops to let two Divas know and then we go to ANOTHER GOD DAMNED VIDEO PACKAGE ABOUT DIVAS! …kill me…
“They want to show who has the least.. on the inside” – Bill
Girl #1 – Won’t win because she has herpes
Girl #2 – Might win because she’s spunky
Girl #3 – Won’t win because she’s black
Girl #4 – Won’t win because her eyes are 3 feet apart
Girl #5 – Might win because she’s cute
Girl #6 – Won’t win because she’s snotty
Girl #7 – Won’t win because she’s stupid
Girl #8 – Won’t win because she’s on downers
Just announced – Vengence rematch – Shelton vs. Carlito for the IC Title.
Coming down right now with 15 minutes left is Kurt Angle!
We come back and Kurt is still squatting..
“He’s been squatting for that whole 3 minutes” – Hernandez
“awww.. we don’t get sexy Dave in a suit!” – Dani
Here comes Dave! Wearing the red bananahammock.
BATISTA vs. KURT ANGLE
Not sure if this is a title match!
The bell rings and starts with a lock-up. Kurt goes for the wrap around, and then Batista charges him in the corner. Dave brings him in the center, and Angle crawls around putting him into the Ankle Lock. Dave kicks out of it, and charges – but misses. Angle brings him back in and goes for a tight armbar. Angle is digging it in hard, and Dave slowly gets up to his feet, and powerbombs Kurt down – with a clothesline over the top rope.
Dave follows outside and slams Kurt into the steps. Trips comes out and charges into Dave – EVERYONE attacks Dave. Trips, Kurt, Ric. Here comes Shawn! Shawn goes and fails at tossing Ric over the top rope– then gets it again.. then tosses Kurt out. Dave then clotheslines Kurt out! Leaving in the ring Shawn and Dave to cheer amongst themselves.
OO! Here comes Bischoff – changing the match to a tag team match RIGHT NOW!
In the ring, the match has already begun.
Shawn is in the ring with Trips, fighting it out. Shawn goes to the ropes and huge crossbody to Trips. He takes a moment to hit Kurt, which gives Ric a chance to come on in and attack Shawn.
Great combo, as now Kurt gets tagged and Trips and he go at Shawn. Kurt mocks Dave, while Trips and Ric work on Shawn’s legs. Kurt drags Shawn into the ring and works again on his leg. He wraps Shawn’s leg around his neck and slams his knee to the mat. Kurt tags in Trips – and Shawn gets a moment of shining beat down on Trips, but Trips clips his knee and tags in Kurt.
“Batista looks bored.” – Bill
Kurt puts Shawn into the STF and Dave is now trying to get the fans to root for Shawn by waving his fist in the air like Arsenio. Shawn fights his way out, but Kurt goes and tags Trips.. Shawn is, as always, our hero in trouble. Trips mocks Dave only to continue wrecking Shawn’s knee. Trips goes to put Shawn in the figure four, Shawn kicks him out of it and Trips goes headfirst to the turnbuckle and Flair Flops.
Trips gets to Kurt first and grabs Shawn by the leg. Shawn enzuiguiris and MAKES the tag!
“FEEL THE JESUS!” – Jenna
Here comes Dave, as Trips comes on in. Dave goes nuts, tossing Trips into the corner and a HUGE back body drop. Kurt runs in and gets tapped in the face. Trips gets dropped. Double clothesline. Dave shortarms Trips in the corner. Dave shortarms Kurt in the corner. Dave gets a huge slam on Trips and a 2 count as Kurt stops the count.
Shawn comes in to take out Kurt, and they fight on the outside.. literally, right into the crowd – leaving Dave in the ring with Trips.
Dave continues to punch and tosses Trips into the ropes, and eats the knee. Trips hits the ropes. Spinebuster to Trips! Spinebuster to Ric! Trips spins it around and Pedigrees Dave.
1… 2… 3…
WINNER: TRIPLE H & KURT ANGLE
Trips lays the belt on Dave and whispers in his ear..
“Makes sloppy love to him.” – Bill
“Your mustache keeps tickling my cheek” – Hernandez
Okay, well that was that… and Hernandez and I discuss that it is amazing how someone can only take one move and then eat a Pedigree and lose. Apparently, Triple H’s finisher is the strongest move.. EVER! That wouldn’t fly in Smackdown: Feel The Pain! – That doesn’t fly with me!
Okay, final words?
Jen – “I’m speechless, but I miss Matt”
Bill – “I want Christian to go to Smackdown, that would be a fair trade for Carlito”
Dani – “Good show, I think I got lots of points. I’m a point whore.”
Hernandez – “V.1… great set-up.”
Me – “A sadly underwrestled show with WAY too many video packages.”