The SmarK RAW Rant – June 20 2005
– Welcome to the newer, more streamlined RAW rant, meant to allow me to review shows without the hassle of play-by-play and just hit you with the opinions and star ratings. On with the show…
– Live from Phoenix, AZ.
– Your hosts are JR & King.
– Opening interview: John Cena, the champion without a show, joins us and talks about adjusting to RAW and having partners turn on him. He wants that Vengeance title match TONIGHT, yessir. Man, that never works. And indeed, Muhammad Hassan interrupts and he’s all “Man, let me tell you about my people turning on me…” and blah blah blah it’s a match tonight. For the title.
– Next up, Uncle Eric announces the next draft pick, but first brings out Shelton Benjamin and reminds us that he’s had the IC title for a REALLY long time and won it by facing an opponent who wasn’t prepared for him. So, I guess in the interest of fairness, he now has to face the next draft pick — Carlito. Man, they’re just raping Smackdown of all the entertaining guys. And where does that leave Matt Morgan and his crappy act?
– Intercontinental title: Carlito d. Shelton Benjamin (9:33, rollup –> pin, 3/4*) to win the Intercontinental title. Major yawner, only highlight early was Benjamin diving at the stalling Carlito and nearly killing himself in the process by catching the top rope on the way over. Match went nowhere from there with tons of restholds, until a few hot near-falls at the end and Benjamin trying a german suplex, only to have Carlito reverse to a rollup and hold the ropes for the pin.
– Meanwhile, Carlito spits his apple at Maria, if you know what I mean. Oh, wait, I mean that literally, sorry.
– Viscera d. Simon Dean (1:26, tree slam –> pin, DUD). Total squash. You’d think screwing the ring announcer would be conflict of interest for one of them, but apparently Lilian feels comfortable with the situation.
– Lots of filler and interviews follow, as they prep the ring for the wedding.
– And now the wedding, as Lita reveals the sluttiest dress ever made. It’s like that diaper that Sophie B. Hawkins wore in her video. The trainwreck rolls along with Snitsky saying a few words (luckily, a very few) and when the priest asks if anyone objects, Matt Hardy’s music hits. As my jaw hits the floor for a few seconds, Edge reveals that it’s all a joke and I wonder if poor Matt realizes that he’s never going to win the psychological war that he’s started. If Bret Hart couldn’t make it out with his sanity intact, I hold out no hope for Matt’s gene pool. Of course, the real payoff is much lamer, and even the crowd knows it — Kane attacks the couple and breaks up the wedding. He also tombstones the priest, because I guess he’s a militant atheist or something.
– And now, more filler as the ring is repaired — ie, we get to hear Christy talking.
– Smackdown World title: John Cena d. Muhammad Hassan (1:59, FU –> pin, 1/4*). Total and complete squash by the champion, with the five moves of doom and the FU to finish. I dunno what Hassan did to deserve that, but the unbeaten streak is over. As is any threat he might pose to the upper card.
– Batista d. Kurt Angle (DQ, 2:00, DUD). Match goes nowhere as HHH and Shawn run in for the DQ. So now it’s a tag match after the break.
– HHH & Kurt Angle d. Batista & Shawn Michaels (7:15, HHH pedigree –> pin Batista, *1/4). Basically Shawn selling a leg injury, hot tag to Batista, Shawn and Angle disappear into thin air, HHH makes Batista his bitch and pins him clean. End of show.
The Good:
– I like Carlito and I’m glad he won the title.
– Well, no Chris Masters this week is a good point for me. Plus I needed SOMETHING to put here for my first try at this format, right?
The Bad:
– The wedding was such low-brow garbage that I’m shocked the crowd sat through it as long as they did before shitting all over it. Seriously, this train has sailed as far as gimmicks go, it’s time to retire weddings for a long time.
– I don’t recall Steve Austin doing clean jobs before HIS big PPV title defenses while drawing millions of dollars.
– Christy Hemme’s promo against Victoria showed that she still has no business near the ring.
– Benjamin v. Carlito was awful and the crowd was dead, which really hurt the impact of finally changing the title. If that’s what they were waiting for all this time, they should have put it on Hassan long ago.
– The buildup for Angle v. Shawn II is a joke, and the build for the main event makes me think that Batista will be winning the match but taking the title to Smackdown as a result.
The Inside Pulse:
Well, certainly not a great or even good episode to start the new format with, but it was certainly easier to write.
