The Smackdown Short Form, 06.23.05

Damn, damn, damn, I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to use as an intro to this thing. I’ve just finished downloading Smackdown, I’m waiting for a phone interview (which will interrupt me mid-Smackdown), and there’s goddamn jack shit in the news, any news whether wrestling or otherwise, to talk about. This absolutely blows. The purpose of intro graphs are to draw the audience in and transition nicely into the body of text. Otherwise, you end up sounding like Mike Samuda’s news reports used to (and Da Meltz’s news reports still do). This, of course, blows tremendously. So, instead of creating something interesting and effective to draw you in and keep you here, I’m blatering excuses for the Back Button.

Nuts, let’s just get on with it…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Joey Mercury over Jon Heidenreich (Pinfall, Nitro superkick): You know, the fact that the tag champs are feuding against a singles wrestler and an unconnected bimbo is just the first thing wrong with this whole scenario. It’s just misbegotten from start to finish, really. This angle needs one of two things: 1) the abort button and/or 2) the Dudleys to come back. In fact, the Dudleys are just about the only way that MNM can gain any sort of credence whatsoever. And I don’t believe I just said that.

This was the most exciting moment of the match

The newest production of the Chanson de Bilitus Players

Paul London versus Chavito, Cruiserweight Title Match (ND, Mexicanus Interruptus): Okay, I’m glad to see that Super Crazy, Juvi, and Psicosis are in, but their introduction was…I dunno, it was like Fellini on brown acid (no pun intended). It was so utterly stupid that you had to keep asking yourself, “Is this really happening?” Still, it’s outweighed by the fact that someone in management was looking at the ECW PPV and realizing that here was their chance to revitalize the cruiser division. So ten points to them for that, minus a billion for the intro. I, of course, have only one question to put to “creative”: when do they show up as meat plant workers?

Chavito does the ever-popular “rearrange your face” corner spot

You know, Mexicans are not my favorite people in the world, but even I find this insulting

Mohammed Hassan over The Big Show (Pinfall, Greco-Roman chair use): Thanks to Morgan, this match went from useless to less than useless. Besides, I discuss Hassan below. So screw this.

Something they didn’t try at Abu Ghraib

Rey-Rey excedente victorioso Eddy (Pinfall, springboard leg drop): When they were talking backstage, do you think one of them said, “Hey, just for kicks, let’s go out there and wrestle an 80s Memphis match”? Look, I’m not complaining, not one bit. Jesus, they gave Eddy and Rey-Rey over twenty to do their stuff. It was just a strange choice of styles in which to eat up that twenty plus minutes. It didn’t feel quite right, that’s all. But there are some cynical aspects to this whole thing. Do you think they’d be given twenty plus non-PPV minutes in a location dissimilar to Tuscon (oh, Denver, for instance, or Seattle)? I know WWE wants the Hispanic audience, but this is starting to smack of pandering. Again, I’m not complaining. If they need a cynical excuse to give us matches like this, then let the excuses fly.

Does anyone else feel a little weird seeing Rey-Rey and Eddy submission-wrestle?

Look, I know it’s good psychology, but it’s still weird, okay?

Like we really needed to see that

Glad to see that Eddy’s showing off that pure lucha style of his

Okay, this thing’s gone from weird to kinky

Putting the word “classic” in front of the words “Rey-Rey Bulldog” seems appropriate

Angle Developments:

Tombstone Sonata: Can we think of a more painful way to open up Smackdown than with a Randy Orton promo? Okay, repeated kicks in the ‘nads (to the audience, not to the performers), but that’s just about it. And no amount of UT Tease could rescue this from the gutter.

“And now…the end is near…and so I face…the final curtain…”

The Hidden Agenda: Hmmmm, witness those in the middle of the four-way roundelay (excepting UT, who is sui generis, and the New Arrival) for the Smackdown Championship. It consists of three former WCW champions and High-Quality Speaker Boy, who was on the same side as Bisch during l’affaire ECW. Could this be a signal? Could this be the beginning of the revival of WCW? No, it isn’t, but it’s actually fun to think about.

Finally verified as a trisexual

A meeting of the mindless

…And Mohammed Is His Name: So, Hassan…well, it does work on a few levels. Dude walks in and he’s the Number Three Heel on Smackdown, a much more fortuitous position than he’d ever have on Raw. He knows how to cut a promo, but the jury’s still out on whether he can cut more than one promo (i.e. can he riff on something other than his “discrimination”). He has the talent to become a purer wrestler than he’s exhibited, and being with Booker and Benoit can’t hurt (he never had a chance to screw with Benoit on Raw). The real winner, though, is Daivari. He gets to continue his mic antics, and when he wrestles, he gets to play in the newly-expanded cruiserweight playpen, a much more appropriate place for him. If things go right, he’ll be holding the cruiser strap by Survivor Series at the latest.

And let’s give them a big, hearty, Smackdown welcome

Now they may allow that behavior on Raw, but this is Smackdown!

And on that note of implied sodomy, let’s blow this thing off and celebrate the fact that I got it done on a Friday for once. Until next time, make sure your life’s one big thrill after another.