The Midnight News 06.27.05

Hi-Rate,

I’m not going to lie and say I’ve read you since Scoops, but I’ve been reading since 411wrestling, about four years. I have no point of reference for your old/new stuff, but people who say you’re not funny anymore are wrong! I have no shortage of laughs when I read your columns.
But c’mon, more 3 Stooges, Who Spoiled Smackdown (even if you’re still just doing Mondays), more Grut being a sissy Jew, and more Chasey Lain updates. Do it! For free! Summer of Hi-8!

F You

Colin

Fine…

PWScherer still usually spoils first, with Meltzer right behind and Keller only OCCASIONALLY posted spoilers early and not looking like no one reads him and he reads no one else… Grut is wisely minding his own Ps and Qs (and the ex of mine he tried to steal seems to sit online waiting for me to say something… keep holding your breath, babe), and Chasey Lane continues to be left by the wayside as the ever-evolving world of porn contiues to roll on with young, young, YOUNG meat…
I haven’t picked up a good porno in months, come to think of it. I should catch up a little.

Why does Stuart Scott have to ruin every god damn episode of sportcenter? Fuck him

Stoleez76@aol.com

The hell would I know?

Well, I’m glad to see that you’re the only guy with a column on the Internet that’s really hammering that point home: all of these “journalists” need to realize that they’re not Dave Meltzer and never will have his contacts or tape libraries. And that’s okay.

They should go back to rumour running like the tabloid dirtrags they are, and leave the journalism to Meltzer: he actually checks his sources and has worked as a journalist before carnying it up with the wrestlers.

Since when has anyone with a brain expected the Torch to have journalistic integrity?

Good column, man. I’ve been reading you for over two years now, and I’ll be sad when you decide to hang up the boots and retire. I doubt it’ll happen, though: tradition dictates you have to lose your final match, and I don’t see you letting any of the internet choades get one over on ya just to go out like the carny in you would want to.

neal

I disagree, I think some losers have tape libraries out there that would put Meltzer to shame.

No internet “choade” will get one over on me… no… but this isn’t “tradition”, this isn’t “wrestling”, when I go, I’m going undefeated and I ain’t putting no one over.

For the second week in a row, I finished reading your column, and at the bottom, there is an ad for MyFunCards. It’s the funniest thing… I read your column full of harsh sarcasm and criticism (and a little wit), and at the end is this white square with pink hearts raining down and a cute little teddy bear holding out a big red heart. Totally hilarious. I guess you have no control over the advertising, but still…

Melody

It adds to the mystique, baby. I am nothing if not a walking contradiction.

worst shit ever. imma little high so that may mean little but…..a l’il protein might make me feel better.imma overachiever ‘tho so i expect blood next time. smooches always

Michelle

Ladies and gentleman, meet my back-up plan in case plan A doesn’t work out. Ain’t she cute?

You say: “Since no one else seems to see this, let me shine the light oif TRUTH here… Brad Pitt can’t act… PERIOD. He makes Ben Affleck look like Sean Penn

I say: Dude, Hyatte, you’re my Internet Hero and everything, but…you can’t be serious, can you? Have you seen Fight Club? Or Ocean’s Eleven? Or TWELVE MONKEYS? Dude, you’re entitled to your opinion and everything, but the guy can act. Seriously.

Oh, and just to ensure that I’m at the top of the column next week so that you can make fun of me in a public forum: OMG YOU TOTTALLY SUCK DOOD, LOL SCOTT KEITH IS TEH AWESOME AND YOU BLOW LOL LMAO LAMOHDIOSHOIEH!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!1~1~!

So there.

Rusty Koll

Listen: Fight Club was Pitt shirtless and showing off his body, he didn’t ACT as he mumbled his lines with a stone face the whole way through. Ed Norton carried that flick. Same with Ocean’s Eleven. Any drama major could’ve done what Pitt did in 12 Monkeys… which is act crazy.
He’s the prettiest pretty boy around, and has a big, meaty penis… but that ain’t acting he’s doing up on the screen.

Hyatte,

What the f*ck is up with this new DVD, titled FOREVER HARDCORE? Give it viewing, I know within the first 5 minutes from the beginning you will be ripping it a new anus ( which yesterday, I learned at the MOSI museum in Tampa, that in a way, “your MOUTH is connected to your ANUS”.. I thought that was great for the kids to discover) Anyway, this video has got more smarks in it than the first Tarzan movie had slaves. Who the f*ck wants to hear a review of this f*cking God of a promotion “ECW” from a f*cking nut from the northeast? Gabe ” I didn’t know my best friend was sucking cock” Slapowitsky, Mike ” I think im a WRESTLING GOD like JBL and you see where I am ” Johnson?? What the f*ck? Im only half way thru it and im thanking, Alliah, Jesus, Kareem, that I only downloaded this and not purchased it. At least Terrible Terry is in it , cause he is the shizzle… But even Shane apologizing for trashing the NWA belt seemed sketched out..He really pissed the Funker off!! Cant wait to see the second half!! Oh and New Jack says he has nothing bad to say about the sandman, but under his breathe he whispered
” Fucking alcoholic drug user” … so you know their good friends!! It takes a druggie to identify one, I FUCKING KNOW!!!!

Peace

Bud

You mean, on his own Shane Douglas produced something cheap, chintzy, and low rent? GETOUTTATOWN!!

Hello low-renters, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. We are into week three of The Summer of Hyatte and I’m still in there BABY!! I’m still SLAVING… I’m still FIGHTING… I’m still… I’m still…. YEAH!!!

YEAH!!

Okay… off we go…

REVENGE(NCE) OF THE MARKS

As everyone is bitching about, Raw ran a brand PPV tonight a mere two weeks after ECW and one week after… heh… TNA.

And as everyone assumed, Triple H, who headlined the gosh darn thing, wasn’t ABOUT to let ECW top HIM… so he arranged to front-load the card with major matches and brought in a whole bunch of Smackdown workers to make DAMN sure people ain’t still yapping about the Bingo company from yesteryear…

Of course, Vince McMahon might have had a LITTLE something to do with this… I mean, it IS his company, after all… and Raw IS his baby..

NO, NO, NO… IT’S ALL TRIPLE H!! THAT JEALOUS, PETTY LITTLE MAN!!

Anyway…

-Tomorrow’s Piper defeated tomorrow’s SD Jones through cunning, deception, and opportunity…. and the greatest push ever given to a rookie since Brock Lesnar goes on.

-Either Stratus is going to Smackdown or she’s going face or they are going to have a heel vs heel feud with her and Victoria, then the FANS will make Trish face whether she likes it or not. Christy Hemme will continue to… do whatever it is she does that may or may not include boffing some higher up guys to keep her name in there

-Todd Grisham tried WAAAAY too hard to put Cena over… which is wrong on about 100 different levels

-Watching Lita and Edge work just isn’t that much fun when they aren’t kissing each other in that weird WWE way they have. I must be an AWESOME kisser, because I NEVER kiss like them too and NO ONE complains… well, Dad did once but I could never please that bastard.

-Kane got his just revenge… and punked out that idiot Snitsky too!

-Kurt Angle is now my favorite wrestler… HBK is going BALD!!

-HBK got his VENGENCE! (Which, after all is said and done, makes this the one PPV that actually paid attention to its name) by Superkicking the teeth out of Kurt Angle’s head… and he might have jammed up his knee in the process.

-Wouldn’t it suck if HBK had to quit because of his KNEE, after taking a four year break because his BACK was f-ed up?

-Lilian Garcia finally learned what millions of black women have always known… the brother wants WHITE booty and LOTS of it… either many little ones or one big giant one. Kama the Godfather came out (WRAPPED in fur, to keep those extra pounds from appearing on camera) and lured Viscera away from Lilian with lots and lots of white girls.

-So now, when you ask Lilian “Why the long face”, it won’t be an insult!

-Cena wins his first Raw world title match before he gets to deal with Triple H for a year… one thing I don’t get… how is it he says the “Chain gang” are “all in this together” with him? Does the “Chain Gang” get to hold the belt? Do they get a piece of his salary? Do they get sloppy rat seconds??

-The CONCEPT of the “Chain Gang” is acceptable… it’s just “Hulk-A-Mania” for a new generation… but brother Cena should CHILL with the whole, “We be in this shit together, yo! Thanks for having my back, yo”. That’s just nonsense.

-That goddam Hunter can work a goddam cage match by god… and he has allowed himself to offically become Batista’s bitch… I wonder which one of them is going to Smackdown?

And that’s the damn rundown of a damn fine show

THE BROCKHEAD

And once again…

Once again he laughs… LAUGHS…

It’s amazing how he always gets his way, Vince McMahon, that is. With the exception of starting a new football league and actually thinking professional bodybuilding can have gimmicked workers, Vince always, ALWAYS ends up winning…

Then again, he’s dealing with wrestlers… no one in this business is re-inventing the wheel.

Brock Lesnar tried to leave, made a stink about it, got his leave and signed away the next ten years of his life. For the next ten, his dismissal contract said, he can NOT participate in ANYTHING REMOTELY connected to wrestling… not here or in Japan.

Why not, thought Brock. He was going to be a football player… a PRO football player. 16 weeks a year, once a week… finer class of rats, all the free juice he could take, lots of free cortazon too. Life will be good.

Of course, he was cut by the one team who would give him a shot, the Vikings. Too damn old, too damn stupid, too damn white. Plus the NFL would look bad if they allowed a pro wrestler to be a success. It’s a whole pissing contest between sports and sports entertainment.

So Brock was unemployed. Shouldn’t be a problem with the kitty Vince had paid him. Except poor Brock, like all good big dumb guys, he went around leasing jets while the IRS was going ignored. Brock owes Uncle Sam a lot of money.

So he came waltzing back to the WWE with the DEAL OF A LIFETIME!! They can have him BACK!! For the same amount of money only with a limited series of dates. He hates the road, ya’see… working the houses are for LOSERS!

Vince shook his head, smirked, and told his people to tell Brock’s people to go f*ck himself.

Brock then thought, “Well, that isn’t COOL!” and then decided to show the WWE just what they were missing! And just who they were dealing with! So he booked himself as an “audience member” for some Jap card… I think it was MMA, or Pride, or whatever the f*ck they’re doing out there. Might have been a shoot fight deal. NOT WRESTLING, Brock thought… I snuck around a loophole! I OUTSMARTED MR FANCY PANTS!!

Vince shook his head again, and had his people point out to Lesnar’s people that his contract forbade him to participate in anything even REMOTELY RELATED to wrestling… and since Meltzer covers shoot fighting AND Japan right there with the WWE… well, Brock just managed to do what few men can… he managed to assrape himself.

Brock was AGHAST… how DARE that piece of Irish crap!! Brock hired a lawyer, who in turn hired a small army of them.

Vince shook his head… AGAIN… and called his own army of lawyers.

And for the next several weeks, the Lawyers exchanged paperwork and legal threats… and the poor judge who got to hear this, well he too could only shake his head and smirk.

And yet… we forget something… Brock isn’t RICH anymore… and the IRS is breathing hot on his ass… them damn lawyers cost money, and when they don’t think the case is winnable, they get cranky.

And so… out like a proud lion, back home like a beaten puppy…. Brock is using the Internet to ask Vince for his job back… at minimal salary, if need be. House shows? Hell, he’ll show up early and build the damn rings and serve popcorn before and after his matches!

Put over HHH? No problem! Spend a year letting the Undertaker shove his boot up his ass? Yes sir, may I have another! Take a clothesline from hell without giggling? JBL sure is TOUGH! Get the living shit kicked out of me by a pissy Bob Holly? Every night from March to Christmas if you want! Let Angle break MY neck for even stevens? Never needed the damn thing anyway!

Nothing worse than a humbled monster… and the second he shows back up on WWE TV, the long, LOOOOONG re-education of Brock Lesnar will be played out in front of all of us. You thought Matt Hardy is getting his balls busted?

But he WILL be back… and he will be pushed… because he’s going to make Vince McMahon a LOT money.

But now, Vince gets to decide how much money Brock makes for himself…

Sun Tzu wrote: “Sit by the river long enough and the bodies of your enemies will eventually float by”.

Vince McMahon has never killed a wrestler… but by God he’s broken every last one of them.

The man is a f*cking genius!

BOBBIN FOR BILLARD BALLS

You remember Bobbi Billard, right?

WWE developmental gal… big hooters… was fired and thrown out of OVW becuse she hurt her neck and said Dr. Tom Pritchard and Ivory said mean things to her… threatened to go public and really raise hell… was quietly re-hired… didn’t say a word… was loudly fired again… still didn’t say a word. Blonde chick, one of them with a website, two camera picture blogs, a Live Journal, a MySpace, a Yahoo group, and God knows what else…

Basically, one of chicks who are always, and will always be just HANGING on the barnacles of real fame… outside looking in.

Well, she wasn’t QUITE ready to say goodbye to her wrestling career… and boy, o boy, was she EXCITED to tell her adoring fans about it…

From her Live Journal:

Thursday, June 2nd

If you haven’t already heard during my camshows, I’ve been letting everyone know that I will be away most of June for a BIG gig over in Italy. I got hired as a valet by Nu Wrestling, which is a TV show over there. If you are in Europe, or if you feel like taking a vacation and meeting me in the process (woohoo! you never know!), then this is my very next live appearance. For more info, please visit:

NuWrestling.com

And don’t ask me what the hell it says there! LOL! I don’t speak Italian, but I downloaded a few “Learn Italian Quickie 101” tapes online so at least I can ask where the bathroom is. Hehehe! If I like it out there and they like me, I just might very well move there. Who knows? I’m getting pretty friggin’ sick of Cali!

I know I did, but I am still a little bit confused. Your guess is as good as mine!

Anyway, I really hope to see you there! And if you do go, bring signs, and yell your head off when I come out… PLEASE! 🙂 I want to knock these people dead when I’m out there so that they hire me back AGAIN and AGAIN! From what I hear, this will be a pretty good gig. I will also be selling BB merchandise at the shows, so if you want any of that good stuff from me, then here’s your chance! 🙂

So take care and I will miss you when I am gone. Be good! And… see you when I get back. I am sure that I will have lots of interesting stories for you. 🙂

XoXoX,
Bobbi B.

Yes… Bobbi is so down to earth and GROUNDED that if any of her fans just happen to vacation in Italy this month, please be a mark pal and show up and throw a loud fit for her… and by her t-shirts! She loves her fans and her fans love her and TOGETHER, you ALL will ride the Planet Billard to SUPERSTARDOM!!

Two weeks later… just as her ravenous fans mortaged their homes for the “vacation” to Italy… Bobbi returned… with horrible news:

Thursday, June 16th

I left early so don’t bother going to see the shows because you won’t see me there. They were trying to get me to wrestle even though that wasn’t the agreement that we had beforehand. And then while I was valeting, I ended up getting hurt in a match that went wrong. Rather than risk my neck (literally) I decided that it was in my best interest to come home and see my doctor. I will schedule a show just as soon as I am caught up with everything.

Ach… those damn promoters! Those damn wrestlers! Who do they think they’re dealing with? Poor Italy hasn’t been this crushed since WWII. They had the opportunity to witness “Billard-mania” first hand and WHOMP… they DARED asked her to work a match!

But the story didn’t end… and anyone who follows Billard’s carer even a little will testify, stories involving her NEVER end so cleanly…

From something called Wrestlemag.com:

Former WWE Diva Nidia, who has kept her wrestling appearances to a minimum since her release from the company, has been working several dates in Italy alongside Rikishi, Chuck Palumbo and others.

Nidia worked a bikini match with Bobbi Billard ( the former OVW ‘diva’ who was recently released and was outspoken about the circumstances of her departure) on the June 8 show, before making a cameo appearance on the June 11 and 13 shows.

Before the June 13 show, Billard quit the tour early after making a three hour phone call from her hotel room to the US to try and book a flight out of Italy back home. She never gave any reasons for quitting and left immediately without discussing any problems or issues, failing to inform any of her colleagues or the promoters involved that she was heading home, and leaving a $500 hotel phone bill in the process.

Rikishi ended up paying for the phone bill, and was said to have taken control of the situation, even making arrangements to bring in a replacement for the remainder of the tour, which runs into early July and has been drawing crowds of over 5,000 at recent shows.

Poor Rikishi… it’s always the fat guy who ends up paying for the babe yet not getting any action….

So she ran up a $500 phone tab, to book a flight and call her agent and her boyfriend… and ran out of there without telling anyone…

Class… professionalism… bright future there.

Bobbi Billard is not a wrestler, nor does she want to be one. She is the worst kind of wannabe… she wants to be a star in ANY way, shape, or form, but doesn’t want to go through the motions… she has a body (chubby), and face (moony) and tits (floppy) and that’s all she thinks she needs… she wants to pose and do commericals and wear bikinis and play nice with the handful of people who think she’s hot and like her but doesn’t want to WORK for it! That’s the impression I’m getting… she’s the star who isn’t a star but wants the star treatment! And WILL sue if she feels mistreated… which, apparently, is often.

I… I don’t even want to f*ck her. I want to f*ck Stratus… because STRATUS was exactly where Billard is… with the same opportunity… yet she IS a star, and is pretty much a lock as the greatest female worker of all time… STRATUS went the distance… Billard went to her website and posed for more pictures…

But listen to me… talking as if I have a shot to turn down Bobbi Billard… yeah, as if…

But then again, one look at her MySpace profile makes me wonder… maybe, maybe I DO have a chance… maybe YOU DO TOO!!

Who I’d Like To Meet

L.A. …Land of the Actors!

You!

I’d love to meet some NORMAL people! I’m not a big fan of DRAMA and I can’t stand the whole “it’s all about what you drive, where you live, how much money you make, what brand of clothes you are wearing” typical L.A. bullshit that I have to deal with on a day to day basis. Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things like the next person, but if you base your entire existence on that… you are one sad individual! I believe in working hard and playing even harder. I’m a very generous person… but don’t take me for granted. Looks can be deceiving… I’m a whole lot smarter than I may look to you. It’s not difficult to get along with me, please just be REAL and use common courtesy and all will be good.

And speaking of common courtesy, can someone please tell me what the deal is with girls being extremely rude to guys that talk to them at a club if they aren’t interested in the guy? Come on ladies, WHY would you want to be a TOTAL BITCH to some guy that found YOU attractive and had the balls to come up and talk to you? I have been there with women (usually other models) that act this way and it sucks! There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior… even if YOU think you are the hottest chick in the universe! Treat people the way you would like to be treated. I don’t like mean people period! Ladies, if you are like this, no offense but I can’t hang out with you. I have a news flash for ya… NO ONE IS BETTER THAN anyone so be nice or be gone! That is why I usually don’t hang out with that many girls that do what I do for a living. I’d love to meet some DOWN TO EARTH girls that are in my industry, for a change. Are there any nice girls out there reading this?

What’s my type? Well, the first thing that attracts me to a man is how he speaks. Intelligence is such a turn-on. After that to keep me around, treat me well! Be the same person that I met and liked in the beginning. Don’t turn from Dr. Jeckyll into Mr. Hyde… I’ll call you on it, believe me! I hate games… when it comes to games, I can be Milton Bradley… but why should I have to go there? Nice guys never finish last in my book!

What do I find really unattractive in a man? I’m not a big fan of guys that wear too much cologne. I despise arrogance, insecurity, judgemental or phony people, pushiness, gold chains. Anyone that reminds me of Larry from the t.v. show “Three’s Company” is way out!

She’ll all yours, kids… she isn’t just sucking up to win over fans… she’s REAL… and she wants someone like YOU!!

Biggest phony I’ve ever seen… and I’ve seen some BEAUTS…

I hope her tits explode… and one of those brown recluse spiders nip her right on the snatch… the ones that make your skin disintegrate… then let’s see her take MoBlog pictures of THAT action.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Your skeleton keeps growing until you are about 35, then you start to shrink.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

…. well that’s…. just… f*cking… DUCKY.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Prince?

Ain’t it in vogue to think that he does good music? His music sucks, but he makes great party shit. Asshole knows how to throw a good party. Then he does nonsense like those three disc records. Self-indulgent cocksucker. He does shit and everyone knows its shit but no one will shit on it. Even if his music sucks, and no one will say otherwise, the man’s a genius. Now all he needs to do is sell. He don’t sell. He’s like the Undertaker.

Flea, who sometimes cusses when there is no need to cuss.

You realize the man just spent several words on why Prince sucks, then called him a genius.

And you wonder why he’s in this column.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Anus-slammer, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a supporter of Rob Feinstein too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because

The man just spent three pay per views in a row making Batista look stronger than Hogan in WCW.

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

That ridiculous beard… look has GOT to go, however.

THE BANDIT VS THE WIDOWMAKER

Flea and I had a discussion over this… and I thought it would be fun to bring it to YOU, John Q Hungry for Entertainment:

You all know who Burt Reynolds is, right? Top Box Office Movie star of the 70’s… still appears in a smattering of films today, both low-budget and big time. He’s the Bandit from Smoky & The Bandit.

You all know who Barry Windham is, right? Top Wrestling star of the 80’s… still appears on the Indy scene today. He’s the Widowmaker from late 80’s, early 90’s WWF.

Well, HOW are these two folks similiar? Other than both live primarily in Florida?

Well, as usual, a WOMAN is involved…

There is actually a pro wrestling connection in a roundabout way in the news story about Burt Reynolds and former girlfriend Pamela Seals settling both of their lawsuits against each other after the break-up. Before hooking up with Reynolds, Seals was the girlfriend of Barry Windham.

I forgot where this was pulled from… but there you go…

So if you were a chick… or if you are… who would YOU rather be seen with? Who did Seals have the better time with?

WHO WON THE TALE OF THE TAPE???

BURT REYNOLDS: made The Longest Yard and Smokey & The Bandit and Deliverance
BARRY WINDHAM: was a Horseman

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: f*cked Sally Field when she was young.
BARRY WINDHAM: f*cked Babydoll

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Beat up Judy Carne
BARRY WINDHAM: Beat up Indy promoters who stiffed him

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Gave all his money to Loni Anderson
BARRY WINDHAM: Spent all his money on cocaine and Jack Daniels

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Dodged AIDS rumors
BARRY WINDHAM: Dodged GAY rumors

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Was Sharkey
BARRY WINDHAM: Was The Stalker

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: 4 people paid to see Sharkey’s Machine
BARRY WINDHAM: 100’000 people paid to see him on the Great American Bash tour in the 80’s

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Has a facelift so tight he shouldn’t be allowed outdoors
BARRY WINDHAM: Has Blackjack Mulligan’s face

WINNER: TIE

BURT REYNOLDS: Tag teamed bitches with Terry Bradshaw
BARRY WINDHAM: Tag teamed the Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff with Mike Rotunda

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: appeared damn near naked in Playgirl
BARRY WINDHAM: appeared damn near naked in Pro Wrestling Illustrated

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Carried Dom Deluise
BARRY WINDHAM: Carried Lex Luger

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Sold for Dom Deluise
BARRY WINDHAM: Sold for Ric Flair

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Played Boss Hogg
BARRY WINDHAM: Eats like Boss Hogg

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Has a condo next to Vince McMahon
BARRY WINDHAM: Mows Vince McMahon’s condo’s lawn

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Was once better looking than Jon Voight
BARRY WINDHAM: Is ALWAYS better looking than Jon Voight

WINNER: WINDHAM

BARRY WINDHAM: Gets shirtless and lets men touch him from behind
BURT REYNOLDS: Sits back and lets Ned Beatty deal with that fag nonsense

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Got drunk and announced at Wrestlemania
BARRY WINDHAM: Got drunk and WRESTLED at Wrestlemania

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Was on Johnny Carson
BARRY WINDHAM: Watched Burt on Johnny Carson

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BARRY WINDHAM: Has the Iron Claw
BURT REYNOLDS: The only Iron Claw he knows is the one Loni had on his bank account

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Made movies with high pay-offs
BARRY WINDHAM: The highest pay-off he ever had was when Dusty stuck him with the buffet check

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Starred in The Longest Yard
BARRY WINDHAM: Mows McMahon’s lawn… and it’s the longest f*cker in Florida!

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Starred in Deliverence
BARRY WINDHAM: Only “Deliverence” he knows is when he deleivered David Crockett his coffee

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BURT REYNOLDS: Hung with Willie Nelson
BARRY WINDHAM: Hung with the Midnight Rider

WINNER: REYNOLDS

BARRY WINDHAM: Finisher is the Superplex
BURT REYNOLDS: Finisher is “Pay Alimony”

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Has a hideous toupee that makes him look like an alien
BARRY WINDHAM: Sometimes wears a hideous mustache that makes him look like Blackjack Mulligan

WINNER: WINDHAM

BURT REYNOLDS: Rode Clydesdale horses
BARRY WINDHAM: Once let some asshole named Ron Bass ride him like a pony

WINNER: REYNOLDS

And the final score is… REYNOLDS: 14…. WINDHAM: 10.

And there you have it… it’s better to date Burt Reynolds!

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

Old school cuts… and a special bitchfest about Wade Keller!! Love it… LOVE IT!!

01): If the Rock hits you he’ll kill you. If he misses, the wind behind the punch will give you pneumonia and you’ll die anyway.– The Rock: Raw ’99

02): Y’know I gotta talk about this f*ckin’ prick Wade Keller. Two weeks ago, some guy from the torch e-mails OVW. I don’t do the computer thing. I f*ckin’ hate ’em. So, Danny sends it to Synn, who shows it to me. Says he wants a quote about the whole thing with Ian Rotten. So I write back through Synn and said, ‘Thanks James for asking me, but as much of a disgrace Ian Rotten is to the wrestling business, your Boss is to journalism. And so therefore the only quote I would give to the PW Torch is on the timely passing of the lying sack of shit you work for, Wade Keller. Thank you for asking.’ Boom. So today I just got a phone call saying Wade is reporting this week in the Torch that WWE is closng down OVW because they’re gonna have a developmental territory closer to Connecticut or whatever the f*ck. No, for one think, the WWE cannot close OVW down because OVW was a company and is a company seperate from the WWE. They are our biggest client. They have been very nice to us. Vince for all his great points and all his faults, has been honest to me and thats all I care about. But the point is, they can’t close OVW down. They can cease to do business with us which wouldbe a shame because they’re our biggest client. But Wade Keller, because he hates me and for the past 10 years knocks me at every opportunity – He makes up news. Rob Fienstein! [points past the camera to Rob] I saw you at a Kentucky Fried Chicken. That KFC was robbed, and I saw you with a shirt on one time that said “Eat more chicken”. Therefore Rob Fienstien robbed that KFC. that’s Wade Keller’s brand of reporting!– Jim Cornette: His second RF Video shoot: Summer ’03

03): Iron Mike Sharpe calls himself “Canada’s Greatest Athlete”, Brain. I think he’d be better off starting with “Hamilton’s Greatest Athlete” first?

Hamilton?

Yes, Hamilton, Ontario. Where’s he’s from.

Oh right, right. I’ve been there.

You have?

Oh sure, it’s a great place to go and watch cars rust.

…. let’s get back to the action!– Monsoon and Heenan: Prime Time Wrestling

04): So we wrestled the Dick the Bruiser and the Crusher. These guys had never been off their feet. And me and Hawk pick them up over our heads and they scream at us ‘What are you guys doing?’ And Hawk says, ‘Anything we want!”– Road Warrior Animal: The Road Warriors DVD

05): Rob Van Dam was so loyal back in 1996…

Is this an ECW story?

You’re damn right it is. So back in…

Are you sure it was 1996?

You’re just jealous cause no one has ever respected you like they do me!

Oh yeah, maybe I should go live in my parent’s basement like you.

My parents have a plush home unlike yours who live in a trailer dump!

My parents are both dead, thank you.

My parents are not dead, JR! How dare you! Heyman and JR: Survivor Series ’01

06): Next up on Prime Time, Lanny Poffo will take on “Mr. USA” Tony Atlas in a match that is sure to be a scientific mat classic. We don’t get to see a lot of these type of matches, Brain. We’re in for a real treat.

You’re right, we don’t get these kind of matches all the time. So I’ll tell the people at home that now would be a great time to go to the kitches and make some popcorn, maybe do your taxes while you’re at it…

Let’s go to the match!– Monsoon and Heenan: Prime Time Wrestling

07): Maybe FUNB stands for For Uniting NEW Blood?– Schiavone

Do you really think thats what it means?– Heenan

It might.– Schiavone

How many people today have told you to unite yourself?– Heenan: Thunder 2000

08): That’s why these reunions are so good. Someone tells a story and it jogs someone’s memory about another story.

It’s like a bunch of dope smokers. One guy says, “I remember when –” Ten minutes later, another guy says, “Oh, yeah! That reminds me about…– Bill Bowman and Frankie Cain: Gulf Coast Wrestler’s Reunion 2001

09): Tito Santana’s family had a huge get-together in Central Park last week! They were busy all day!

Oh really?

Yeah, they only had one set of jumper cables.– Heenan and Monsoon: Prime Time Wrestling

10): I wouldn’t put it past Luger to make a deal with Shawn Michaels– Jerry Lawler

Lex Luger doesn’t make deals!– Vince McMahon: Royal Rumble ’95

Heh… Luger doesn’t make deals? Ha! Ahh Vince… that lying sack of hyperbole…

I’m done here. Next weeky, the Summer of Hyatte continues, for July 4th… so I expect NO ONE to be reading.

Assholes.

This is Hyatte