Welcome to the last Rabble for awhile… let me explain.
Next week is July 4th, and we all know it’s going to be a boring ol’ recap show or something equally inane. Then come July 9th, I’m on my way to San Diego Comicon, where I will be hanging and schmoozing with the comic b-rated elite.
And then once we get back, the Rabble Diva Search vote down begins – and there is so much going on at Inside Pulse, you would be shooting yourself in the foot to not keep checking in.
So, I heard that recently there have been a lot of you folks who have been coming and checking out the Rabble – and I thank you for the support, I will be back in a few weeks and hope to see you all here. Also a note from Pulse’s own Iain Burnside can be found over on my Rabble Vengence Report.
Enough of that – it’s time to bring to you the show that stops being polite, and starts being real…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
We are live in California, and rumors are abound as to what surprise visits might come out of this show *coughROCKYcough*. Before we begin, let’s meet the players —
BILL – King of the Krispy Kreme Eyes
JENNA – Mistress of the Lita Loving
HERNANDEZ – Yeoman of Y2J Bashing
DANI – Baroness of Batista Worship
and ME – Prince of the Peeps
Eric once again will NOT be joining us… but we have plans for him anyway.. later.
Once again, joining us is Coach to try and catch up with mushmouth Jim Ross and Lawler. Coming out first is Kurt Angle wearing his ‘game face’. Dani, during the standard ‘YOU SUCK’ portion of his theme, chants ‘I GET POINTS’ as there is now only one reason to watch wrestling for her… to win the Fantasy Draft (Team Get A Towel).
Angle starts up talking about at Wrestlemania XI – he made Michaels tap.
Last night, he lost to Shawn. And bet your bottom dollar he wants a tie breaker?
“Did he just quote Little Orphan Annie” – Bill
Well, as far as Angle is concerned, he got two points for Wrestlemania. So no rematch.. tonight.. he wants to talk about one man… Batista. He is interrupted though by…
Angle asks why the hell he’s out there. Ric is there to shake his hand, because as far as Ric is concerned, if Angle stays healthy he could be the #1 Of All Time. He wants his son to be like ANGLE.. not himself.
“Isn’t his son like.. 30?” – Me
Ric still thinks that Hunter should face Batista. Angle shrugs it off, saying that Hunter has had 1 2 3 chances.. he’s out!
“That’s baseball.” – Bill
Angle invites Ric to go to the back, drink his Ensure, and relax. Flair then goes completely insane
“I’m gonna bite your finger off.. and if that doesn’t hurt.. I’m gonna grab you by the testacles!” – Flair
“Be AFRAID of the claw.” – Hernandez
“Woo?” – Bill
“Did Flair just ask him out on a date?” – Hernandez
Angle and Flair decide that they need to prove this in the ring.. and Ric points out quite happily that Vince is at home drooling over that idea. We are! Great stuff as they end with a Woo Off!
Also to clear up all things – tonight the final TWO draftees will be spoken tonight.
Also later – we will find out who the 8 Divas are.. (they will, I’ll be smoking.)
Also right now – the standard RABBLE DIVA PROMO:
MAILBOX CLOSES ON JULY 24th
So! Who are the picks?
BILL – “Guerrero or Rey and Undertaker”
HERNANDEZ – “Eddie and Big Show”
JENNA – “Eddie and Heidenreich”
DANI – “I’m going to say Eddie because everyone said him.. and Fifi.”
ME – “I will go with my original choice of Charlie Haas and Eddie is the best choice.”
Last night Ben Morse called into Vengence, and he too predicted Eddie Guerrero.
Back to the show they give us a bit of an exclusive DVD Extra from last night’s show.. weird. Jericho, Christian, and Tomko are arguing behind the scenes.. they fight amongst themselves, including Jericho commenting how Tomko wasn’t in the match and Christian discussing how Cena will in fact see him.
Our next match is a tag match, including one of our new draft lottery picks.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME — RAW JUST GOT EDGE!?!?! EDGE!!!!? ..wait.. err..
He comes out with Snitsky and Lita who is wearing a nice blackhearted ensemble.
Coming out next is Kane….. Edge charges and eats a boot. Snitsky charges, and gets a clothesline off the top. We’ve started without seeing the lottery winner – but the bell hasn’t rung.
Kane runs outside and chances after Edge, smashing him with a chair and off into the crowd as Edge bails. Snitsky is left alone in the ring..
Here comes Bischoff! This was obviously supposed to be a tag match with Kane and the new drafter… but since they left, Snitsky gets to face him alone. The ‘BIGGEST’ draft pick so far – and whatever he does – it’s NOT HIS FAULT.. ha! Oh he slays us.
AND WEEEEELLLLL IT’S THE BIG SHOW!
“I’m one for two tonight!” – Hernandez
I gotta say it is still impressive to see Snitsky smaller than someone.
BIG SHOW vs. GENE SNITSKY
First Draft Pick Match … which isn’t my fault
Snitsky hits Show. Show hits Snitsky. Snitsky gets tossed to the ropes, and hits Show with a boot and goes fist to head with him… SHow has NONE of that and throws Snitsky into the corner. High boot to Snitsky’s throat, and the Show-Headbutt. Follows up with a suplex, and more corner beatings. Short arm clothesline, and this is all Big Show’s match.
Snitsky tries to hit the ropes, and eats the Big Show chokeslam.
That was it – and the crowd was surprisingly hot for it.
WINNER: BIG SHOW!
Okay now, let’s get to the fun question of the night. Last week I asked the Rabble, based on a conversation I had with Wizard Magazine’s own Ben Morse, “If you were drafted.. where would you be drafted to?”
Bill says – “I would be drafted to Image comics, so I could take out Rob Liefeld once and for all.”
“Just remember to not take his head – because then you would take his power” – Hernandez
Clevage McBoobie is backstage with Cena.. she has though, apparently forgotten her question. Cena’s faces are priceless. Against all odds he beat Christian and Y2J —
“And Phil Collins…” – Me
Cena introduces his partner… Shawn Michaels! Nice!
“I wasn’t expecting him to WALK tonight!?” – Hernandez
So Cena asks Michaels if he ‘made the call’ … who is the partner?
“Rock?!” – All of us.
Boobage comes out, having remembered her question, “Did you find a partner?” Okay, I’m officially liking the Boobage bit.. but backstage, Edge and Lita are running away. Lita goes to get her bag.
“Grab my watch, it’s on the kangaroo by the bed” – Me
“How were your blueberry pancakes?”
“They did not have blueberry. I had to have buttermilk.” – Bill
Kane is obviously in the room – and he chokes the hell out of Lita saying he’s going to make her life a living hell. He lets her go.. she breathes.. he chokes.
“I’m gonna punch you in the uterus” – Dani
“I’m gonna gut you like a fish..” – Bill
“Iron Mike does— I mean.. Kane.. doesn’t like women..” – Me
“Where would be drafted?”
Dani says – “I would be drafted to the Metro Stars – I intern there, so they would pick me up.”
“The spanish guys would LOVE you” – Hernandez
In the ring when we get back is… Chris Masters. The challenge has been upped to 14,000 because he wishes to ‘entice’ someone in the backstage.
“He wants to entice someone.. he’s wearing glitter.. totally gay.” – Bill
..Masters gets over more.. why!?
Coming out isssss Tajiri! Masters tries to make fun of him. Tajiri grabs the microphone, and he understands that Chris is the Master Jackass – then a HUGE snapkick to Master’s face. Snapkicks to the stomach. Tajiri hits the Tarantula. After they break it, Masters pushes Tajiri to the ropes, he flips to the ropes, and Masters slams him with an elbow and Masterlock. End.
WINNER: Chris Masters
Masters now demands our respect. He asks Tajiri if he respects him.. and of course, eats some mist. Chris sells it like an SOB.
“IT’S LIME!!! IT’S LIME?!?!!!” – Me
Backstage the divas are all sitting around looking sluttish.
“..oh look.. a girl in a schoolgirl outfit…” – Dani
“I didn’t notice!” – Me
“..you keep telling yourself that..”
“Where would you be drafted?”
Jenna says – “I would be drafted to Raw – with the knowledge that they need girls now, or at least after Lita’s gone through the entire lockerroom”
Bill – “Teddy (Dani’s dog) would be drafted to a Korean resturant.”
“Simon Dean’s new partner.. awww…” – Hernandez
Teddy (who is a fat little bastard of a beagle) then lies on Bill’s arm. Bill taps out.
Coming back to the show we have our Intercontinental Champion, Carlito coming to the first ever Raw Cabana! Carlito has been here a week and he has already made a huge impact.
“How did you spell that?” – Hernandez
“Spell what?” – Me
“‘Uge.. the ‘h’ is silent” – Hernandez
Carlito then riffs on Jericho, Benjamin, and tonight he gets to reveal the last Draft pick. Carlito feels we’ve drafted a lemon.
“Hacksaw Jim Duggan?!” – Hernandez
“FIFI!!!” – Dani
AND IT’S RVD!!!!!! The crowd’s thumbs look like a case of group Down’s Syndrome Children. Carlito refers to RVD as an injured lemon. The last time Carlito saw RVD was at ECW: One Night Stand.
“Which is coming out tomorrow! Pimpy pimp” – Dani
Carlito mentions how it is ironic that all Rob said was ‘Whatever’, ‘Dude’ and… well.. ‘Cool!’. Rob mentions how he spoke his peace at ECW, giving a piece of his mind.
“Since then, I’ve forgotten math.” – Me
So now the only thing Carlito needs to worry about is Raw getting extreme with the return of Rob Van Dam… Carlito doesn’t care, since Rob will still be injured – and thusly beats the everloving hell out of Rob’s knee.
So the Rabble begins discussing what their wrestler names would be.
“I would be Dani….. but NOT Hatton! Snap!” – Dani
“I would be Superman.. I mean, seriously that sounds unbeatable!” – Bill
“Umm… I think that might be taken..” – Dani
“BY WHO!?” – Bill
“OOoo I’m changing mine.. I’d be.. Miss Batista. And you can be Mister Christy.” – Dani
“What about Mister Helmsly?” – Jenna
“That’s just disgusting…” – Me
“Honestly though, I should be a luchador named Hambragesa..” – Me
“And your manager’s name can be Queso” – Hernandez
Bringing us to the 10 o’clock hour.. Here comes Kurt Angle!
“He just looks like he’s getting ready to Woo!” – Dani
His opponent… duh.
RIC FLAIR vs. KURT ANGLE
Dream Match You Never Know You Wanted Til You Got It!
They lock up and a sideheadlock take down from Angle – Ric fights out of it, and they stand up and lock again – this time RIC gets the sideheadlock takedown. Angle moves it to head sicsissors.. and they go back to their feet.
Lockup, Angle tosses Flair to the ropes, and Flair holds on and dances for a bit. Angle charges, pissed – and gets tossed over the top rope. Ric goes outside and chops Kurt before both head back in.
“Don’t you think Flair needs to an add a shirt to his wrestling gear?” – Jenna
Lock-up, Angle spins around and drops him down into a chickenwing… Flair gets out of it the way Flair knows how to.. by sticking his fingers in Kurt’s face, nose, eyes.. Flair then continues to thumb the hell out of Kurt’s eye, then follows up with chops – Angle spins him around and gets him with those HUGE European uppercuts. Flair bails, and as Kurt comes out Angle eats a suckerpunch.
“We’re 5 minutes in, and Flair isn’t bleeding yet.” – Hernandez
They fight on the outside, exchanging punches.. until Angle blocks Flair and Ric eats a belly to belly outside the ring.. WOO!
“There is no Flair left!” – Me
“There is going to be an urn in the ring when we get back..” – Jenna
“Kurt will have to explain to Vince that he broke Flair.” – Dani
We come back in, and Kurt has Ric locked in a sitting armbar. Flair slowly stands up and gets dragged to the corner. Big fists from Kurt, and then tosses Flair out of the ring – where Ric stands against the barrier and when Kurt shows up.. eats another chop.
“No wonder Flair sounded drugged before this match.. he had to take painkillers to DO this match!” – Dani
Back in the ring, Kurt gets ahead with a double ax handle on Flair. Kurt then hits the back drop and puts Flair into the STF… from there Ric proceeds to bite Kurt’s thumb. Kurt bails, Flair follows, but eats another back body drop. Kurt rolls him in for 2. On their feet, Flair somehow finds the ability to stand up – hits some chops – and a strutting elbow that Kurt rolls out of.. Flair sees it, follows and drops the elbow ANYWAY.. good funny spot. Flair hits the knee.
Ric goes to the top – Coach even comments how that just never works. Angle chases after him and sets up the superplex, and Flair drops his weight and falls to the ground – which was sneaky wrestling. Anyway, Kurt comes out, brings him in the ring. Angleslam!!!
FLAIR KICKS OUT! Anklelock!!!! Flair grabs Kurt’s NUTS! Ric, after some basic attacks catches the FIGURE FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angle tries to reverse it… FAILS!! HE FAILS! But finally Kurt gets the ropes…
“Ric over Angle would be awesome!” – Hernandez
“I’d mark like a bitch” – Me
Angle gets up and tries for the belly to back – he hits the first one – then grabs the ref and mulekicks Kurt. Another great cheat spot! Flair lifts Angle into the verticle suplex!
“Why can’t Ric Flair be the champion?” – Dani
Pin only gets 2, and the crowd is on the edge! Ric lifts up Kurt and hits the kneebreaker – but Angle twists it and gets the Anklelock!!!!!! Flair almost reaches ropes, but Angle pulls back and sits down… And Flair finally taps…
“That was tighter than Angle/Michaels” – Me
“That was Match of the year candidate, easily!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL – The Diva Search is next.. feel free to ignore this section.
We now come to the time for the Raw Diva Search…
“And here we were doing soooo well..” – Hernandez
Coach introduces Christy, who is looking awesome tonight. And here come the new Divas.
#1 – Ashley – Spunky
#2 – Layna – No, but she’ll get a job.
#3 – Summer – Okay, she gets my vote..
#4 – Crystal – Nope.
#5 – Elizabeth – Nothing in particular…
#6 – Whomever – Nobody cares
#7 – Cameron – She’s in jeans… what the hell is that about?!
#8 – Alexis – She’s the ringer..
Coach and Christy enjoy some witty banter.
“Bottom of the line is that it’s going to be tough” – Christy
“..bottom of the line? Not just the bottom line” – Bill
We all agree it is going to be between #1 and #3. Sadly the festivities have been made dumber with Viscera coming out with a taped up hand.
“He got that looking for his dick..” – Jenna
“Stealing a cupcake.” – Hernandez
“Sometimes you gotta let those deep chips go..” – Me
Viscera announces that people are sick of Coachmen.
“A spokesman for the people… Viscera.” – Bill
The girls can’t be bashful.. they have to be ssssssssssexy–
“sssssssssslutty….” – Hernandez
“sssssssssandwich…” – Me
“sssssssssizzler….” – Hernandez
So each of the girls get to talk and then take off their shirts.
#1 – Can’t talk. Can’t open a skirt.
#2 – Not wearing underwear… but nobody will work harder…
“slurpslurpslurpslurp” – Me
#3 – blah blah
#4 – That girl is made of toothpicks.
#5 – Body like Olive Oil.
#6 – Former stripper… you can tell since she’s got dollars hanging out of her–anyway
#7 – …. ok – she penguined in her jeans all the way back to the line
#8 – She guzzled a beer and quoted Flair… she’s like a black Austin!?!
The girls then dance with Viscera.
“Wait.. there’s only 7 of them now!” – Me
“That’s how they are eliminating them this year…” – Hernandez
HERE COMES SLAUGHTER??!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? It’s like a Dali Painting of wrestling… f*cked up! Slaughter wants the girls to meet him next week for a Bikini Bootcamp.
“Did you notice how much Slaughter spit?!” – Bill
“Yes – it’s well known when Slaughter is out, the first two rows WILL get wet.” – Me
Complete waste of Rabble Space. I’m sorry.
“Where would you be drafted?”
Erik says – “WCW.. I’m still waiting for my main event match.. I mean I have ALL of these belts, and nobody to wrestle! I have the Cruiserweight Tag Team belt! Nobody’s here!”
Todd talks to Dave… Pinstriped Dave… What’s Dave think about Hell In A Cell. Well Dave feels that the match took something from him he’ll never get back.
“My oral virginity” – Me
“My tattoo” – Hernandez
Somewhere else in the back, Jericho, Christian, and Tomko discuss who Shawn’s partner is.
“Marty Janetty?” – Christian
“No, he’s in jail!” – Y2J
“Kevin Nash?” – Christian
“No, he pulls a hamstring reaching for the phone” – Y2J
“You don’t think it’s………” – Tomko
They tease the Rock… pricks.
“Where would you be drafted?”
I say – “TO be fair, if I was drafted to Velocity, these reports would suck. SO! I will in fact be drafted to TRIPLE A WRESTLING on Unavision. I will be masked and known only as El Diablo De Marlboro – notorious for wheezing after any high flying spot.”
First down to the ring is Tyson & Christian.
Next of course, Chris Jericho.
Next is John Cena! Cena grabs the mic…
The champ brought some friends – first, the Chain Gang has found God!
CHRISTIAN, Y2J, TOMKO vs. JOHN CENA, HBK, HOGAN
Here comes Shawn Michaels!
“….oh no… it could be Hogan.” – Me
“You just killed it for me – thanks.” – Hernandez
Shawn takes the mic… here it is
…SHIT! I WAS RIGHT!
“You ruined wrestling for me…” – Hernandez
“..as I leave the room.” – Dani
“The Rabble is officially over – we’re out.” – Hernandez
“Whatcha gonna do bruther… leave the room.” – Dani
“Yeah… you don’t see us.. *waving hand*” – Hernandez
One last match.. one more time…
“He does know how to work a crowd” – Me
“I don’t have any problem with Thunderlips.. but at least the crowd gets to see Smackdown after this..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL (in which the Rabble makes fun of me as if I invited him to the damned ring?!)
“YOU DID! YOU INVOKED HIM LIKE BEETLEJUICE!!!” – Dani
“Look, Viscera last night was my fault – but you need to suck it up and accept responsibility.” – Bill
“You ruined Christmas!” – Dani
Match starts with Cena and Jericho. Chris beats John in the corner and chokes him out a bit. A couple of chops. Tosses him to the corner, and Cena boots his way out with a couple of quick clotheslines and a HUGE hiptoss. Tag to Michaels.
“There is a match – but I can’t see it..” – Dani
Shared chops between Chris and Shawn… flying crossbody from Shawn – Christian comes in and eats an atomic drop. While Shawn is distracted – Y2J hits the enziguiri. Tag to Tomko – running powerslam. Tag to Christian, reverse neckbreaker – pin for 2. Heel tactics reign supreme on Michaels.
Shawn fights to get to the corner, but Y2J taunts Hogan and Cena so the cheating can continue. Typical stuff.
“Guys.. the crowd is chanting ‘We Want Hogan'” – Me
“No.. that was ‘WE WANT HOAGIES'” – Hernandez
“They are seriously just hungry” – Bill
So, Jericho misses the Lionsault and Shawn gets the big tag to Hogan. Hulk clears the ring.
“The ring is hushed – the guys are just falling all over the place..” – Dani
Finally the cluster’f erupts as Christian and Tomko doubleteam Hogan and he Hulks up.. getting a doublenogginknocker in response.
“OH MY GOD – THEY JUST KISSED” – Bill
Hogan then hits the boot and legdrop on Tomko and that was that.
“Who won?” – Dani
“I hope you weren’t typing any of that… I told you I was out..” – Bill
The standard Hogan posturing with Cena and Michaels..
“Aww – they’ll go all back and shoot-up together” – Hernandez
“What is this.. I don’t get any points for posing?!” – Dani
So what did the room think of the show?
Jenna – “Pretty good.”
Bill – “That last bit.. there was no main event?! You better not type this!”
Hernandez – “I still want to know who that 3rd guy was! You build up a main event with a mystery partner.. and you never see him!”
“I didn’t even see Cena” – Bill
Dani – “My boys didn’t score enough points for me. Batista’s 3 points.. what the hell.”
Me – “As the last Rabble for a few weeks – we got to see one of the most amazing matches of the year in Angle/Flair.. and f*ck them.. I still mark for Hogan just a little.”
So that is that – thanks all for being here – thanks all for reading – and we’ll see you in a few weeks. I will miss ya’ll.