More Reasons Why Being Deaf Sucks/Rocks

My Bad

Sorry for having been away for so long, but believe me it was done with the best intentions.

Y’see I was watching TV late one night and I saw an advertisement for what seemed to be a delightful compilation of songs. It was then that I knew my next column had to be about that compilation. So I hurriedly ordered it.

Unfortunately I didn’t read the fine print about “allow six to eight weeks for delivery.”

Alas six to eight weeks later it arrived and I found it lacking. It wasn’t good enough for me to rave about nor was it bad enough for me to bash. It was just sort of “eh.” But anyway, here you are reading this column so I guess no harm no foul.

A moment of silence for yet another video channel.

So, I got home from War of the Worlds (invest in the matinee), turned on my good ol’ trusty television, and typed three digits into the remote control, only to be greeted with the following;

MTV Networks has decided to cease it’s broadcast operations of VH1 Mega Hits (channel 360) effective June 30, 2005.

*GASP*

Now I don’t know if I can properly convey to you how much I loved VH1 Mega Hits. I certainly appealed to my “alternative” side and it could always be counted on to play videos not only that you wanted to see, but that you hadn’t seen in ages and that you probably wouldn’t find elsewhere. To be brutally honest VH1 Mega Hits was the channel that came closest to the magic that I felt with M2 (the original MTV2).

Sadly those days are gone. I’m left with VH1 Classic (which is cool, in doses), MTV Hits (which is a bit too “MTV” for my tastes) and Fuse (which is a tad too metal for me). I’m beginning to believe that life isn’t fair.

Crazy Jay-Z In Love?

I was talking to my best friend earlier in the week and we were discussing Memphis Bleek. I put forth my theory that Bleek was like a baby deer, wobbly legs and all, and Jay-Z was like the parent deer nudging him to stand up on his own.

I mean if you look at all of the things that Jay’s done for Bleek it’s clear that Jay is playing the nurturing role. He gave Bleek a spot to shine on Reasonable Doubt. He gave Bleek “Is That Yo B#tch?. He stepped up and started a beef with Nas, after Bleek had begun tossing subtle darts. He even included “Dear Summer” on Bleek’s new album.

Jason brought up the “Diamonds” remix, where Jay states;

Bleek could be one hit away his whole career/ As long as I’m alive, he’s a millionaire/ And even if I die, he’s in my will somewhere/ So he could just kick back and chill somewhere

(Aside from the absurdity of those lyrics, it shows that Jay refuses to be wrong. Every time he’s close to being on the “wrong” side he attempts to flip things so that the “right” side is moot. It’s a ploy that he’s used before when referencing his battle with Nas on Blueprint 2;

Since I will not lose, they try to help him cheat/ But I will not lose, for even in defeat/ there’s a valuable lesson learned, so it evens it up for me

I just thought it would be nice to point that out.)

Now this clearly shows a level of devotion that is uncommon in Hip Hop. And then my mind began to wander. Suppose Jay and Bleek have a George McFly/Biff Tanner type relationship?

What if Bleek punks Jay into making such moves?

Memphis Bleek (with Jay-Z in a headlock) – Hello Shawn Carter! Is anybody home?

Jay-Z – Very funny Bleek. Say, I was wondering if I could release “Dear Summer” as a single, y’know.

Memphis Bleek – Uh, that’s not going to work for me Carter, I’m gonna need that for my album.

Jay-Z – But Bleek, you’re not even on the song.

Memphis Bleek – Have it on my desk by Monday.

But then my imagination continued and I got to thinking that Bleek clearly has some photographs of Jay-Z in a compromising position. Now in this scenario I envisioned Jay-Z more of a Gil from The Simpsons persona.

Jay-Z (on the telephone) – Hiya Bleek, how ya doin’? How’s my car running? I told ya her engine purrs like a kitten didn’t I? Say have you heard that “Diamonds” remix, I gave you a pretty big shout out. Whatdoyasay you give that videotape back to you’re ol’ buddy Jay, eh? For old times sake?

Of course the thought of Jay in a compromising position made everything crystal clear; he and Bleek are lovers.

It’s obvious. It’s just like that former Governor of New Jersey, who had his lover working very closely with him, on the payroll. It’s the same principle! I mean, who openly claims to financially support a same sex friend for life, and even after death? Gay lovers, that’s who.

Plus it’d be pretty easy for Jay to cover his tracks with Beyonce.

Excepts from Jay-Z Diary

11/16/04 – Dear Diary, today I told Beyonce that I was going to the “studio” with Bleek to work on some lyrics. If only she knew the truth; no one makes me feel more alive than Bleek. His piercing eyes, the way I’m the only one who can get him to take off his hat and is doo-rag.

2/14/05 – Dear Diary, today is Valentines Day. I sent Beyonce an extravagant collection of roses, jewelry, and candy, along with a note apologizing for having to spend the day with Bleek putting “finishing touches” on his album. I’ll be touching something of his, but believe me, it won’t be his album.

And then I realized I had invested far too much in this possible scenario and decided to put Big Pimpin’ and Hey Papi on repeat in an effort to reaffirm my heterosexuality.

But enough of my imaginative ramblings, here’s what you should be reading;

M2

Shawn defends OK Computer despite the fact that it’s not his (nor my) favorite Radiohead album. Good show good sir.

Aaron’s got numerous friends at 411, as witnessed by this week’s column. Plus Nick gives us the rundown on Guru.

Jeff has never heard of Hustle & Flow which I’ve heard, on good authority, is the best Hip Hop flick ever. He also dissects Spin’s labeling of OK Computer

Kyle David Paul has a poignant column that everyone needs to read.

Gloomchen gets gully on Will Smith. Oh, you’ve got to read it.

Tom laments the lack of metal news.

VH1 Mega Hits

Phil remembers Rawkus, dishes on Wu-Tang and copped and reviews Scratch

Tayo covers Live 8, to good effect. But you know there’s something wrong when Tayo’s had more columns in the last month than I have.

Ian’s got news on Glastonbury and apparently didn’t like Cold Roses as much as I did.

Is that a typo or does it really say that Mitch Michaels has returned? Sorry Jeff, it appears Mitch is correct.

Last Five Albums I Purchased

1. Ryan Adams – Cold Roses
2. Gorillaz – Demon Days
3. The White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan
4. Common – Be
5. Foo Fighters – In Your Honor

Five Nagging Questions

1. Which one is Frankie J and which on is Baby Bash?
2. Which Backstreet Boy is Brian and which is Nick?
3. Which Ying Yang Twin is which?
4. Is Pretty Ricky a group or artist and a singer or a rapper?
5. Why Game dissed Joe Budden for tossing a dart at G-Unit, when that’s exactly what Game is doing at this very moment?