The Crucifix

If you are reading this right now, you are a) Canadian or b) void of friends. Sorry to break it to you, but this is the big BBQ and drink like hell the in the US. St. Patrick’s Day rivals it in terms of drinking, but nobody blows their hand off with firecrackers on St. Patty’s, so there. This is coming from a guy with the middle name Patrick. Enough about me, especially since you only care about your wrestling. On with the show…

Raw

– Kurt Angle lets us know he is winning over HBK by a two to one margin, because he made HBK tap out. Cool. Angle calls Batista out, but gets Flair. Flair gushed about Angle, but points out that triple H is the man. Angle tells Flair he will have Bischoff make a match between them, and Flair is ok with that. I’m fine with that too, but honestly, what is the need to even mention Triple H’s name within this thing? He’s not there; he’s lost three straight important matches…he sucks and everything.
– Edge and Snitsky fight Kane and Unnamed Lottery Pick to a no contest, as Kane chases Edge to the back before the bell rings. That leaves Snitsky, who gets a match with Big Show. For Christ’s sake, like I wanted to have TBS back on Raw, where I could watch him plod around and bother me. I have Kane for that.
– Maria interviews Cena, but forgets her question. Cena introduces HBK as one of his partners tonight, going against Christian, Jericho and Tomko. That girl is talented…I’d hit that.
– Edge and Lita try to make their way out of the building, but Lita has to grab her bag so Matt doesn’t find her secret cell phone. Kane is waiting in the locker room, and chokes her, letting her know he’s going to make her life a living hell. Props to Kane, at least he doesn’t go and shoot a picture of her and run it over with a car.
– Carlito has his Cabana with the final draft pick, who is RVD. They argue and stuff and Carlito takes out RVD’s messed up leg. Whatever dude, dude just whatever. If they let him do what he can do and don’t restrain him in any form, RVD could wear the WWE title. But, in the spirit of Sean O’Haire, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.
– Kurt Angle def. Ric Flair via tap out in an entertaining match that saw Flair grab Angle’s gold medals a number of times. Flair actually took the “dirtiest play in the game” moniker to new highs in this match. Just for the record, Angle is now up 2-0 on Flair.
– Diva Search…I don’t care. But I will say this: I don’t like Alexis. Any bitch in a bikini contest that tries to drink like Austin and quote Flair should immediately be kicked out.
– Grisham interviews Batista. He explains that he lost his anal virginity the night before. Well, he said he lost something he’ll never get back. But for Trips to job 3 straight times, he had to have lost his anal virginity. Shit, Trips lost his to Laurer.
– Christian, Tomko and Jericho discuss who may be the third partner. They take digs at Janetty and Nash, which are pretty hilarious.
– John Cena, HBK and Hulk Hogan def. Two Cs and a T. Generic, generic, generic. Faces pose, but Cena, who is the f*cking WWE Champ, bows out to let HBK and Hogan do all the posing. Smart creative, real smart. Another thing: If Hogan wants to promote his reality show, have him do it somewhere else on the show. Bring The Rock out for matches and Hogan out for Diva Search crap, not the other way around.

Overall: Not too bad, but between Big Show and Hogan, it had me wanting to watch Smackdown, which is a bad bad thing.


Smackdown

– Madaba Deli comes to the ring to run down the competition. Undertaker comes out and winds up chokeslamming Daivari. Bleh.
– Paul London and Chavito battle to a no contest when the Mexicools hit the ring and take them out. It’s like deja vu, all over again. Cool thing though: JUAN DEERE instead of John. That’s awesome.
– Melina def. Michelle McCool. Remember what I said about Melina being hot? Yea, Michelle McCool is pretty f*cking hot in her own right and has some talent in the ring as well. A boat load more than Hemme, in my opinion. She should’ve been traded.
– Eddie Guerrero comes to the ring to expose the truth about Rey Mysterio. He plays a video where he comes damn close to molesting Rey’s kid, Dominic. Rey comes out and begs Eddie not to let the taco out of its shell. Eddie slams some candy in Rey’s face. The same candy he gave to Rey’s kid. There are two places this feud can go. There are a bad place and a worse place. Either Eddie is Dominic’s dad or…well…you know what, Eddie is going to be Dominic’s dad. Which means that, using previous storylines, Dominic will be miscarried due to some OVW guy falling on Eddie. Eddie will then marry the Mexicools, who got him pregnant via rape. He will then cheat on Rey in real life with Chavo. Rey will get fired and Eddie will marry Chavo shortly afterward. Fucking kill me now I’m so out of it.
– JBL won the world title over everyone, including Christian, which sucks for my viewing habits. JBL immediately finds out that he hasn’t won the new title, because Batista has been drafted, which not only messes up my viewing habits, but Hatton’s girl’s viewing habits as well. Albeit for different reasons. I’d be pretty pissed if I was in that match. Teddy knew Christian was the draft pick. He had to have known Batista was the other one. Why have the men fight as if they are going for a title, when you know they won’t win it. That’s just wrong.

Overall: I still hate Smackdown, and I even told Matt Michael that I’m pissed because Christian and Batista went over and come September, I won’t watch the show due to the Friday switch. Now I’ve taken a liking to Michelle McCool, it’s going to be harder.


Legally

Apparently a bunch of people like the legal stuff, because my mailbox told me so. In your honor, I will do the legally section from now on.

– Ric Flair is guilty of invoking the name of Triple H when not needed.
– The Big Show is guilty of not being wanted and still being a shitty second coming of Andre.
– Carlito is guilty of assault with a deadly cabana table.
– Flair is guilty of cupping more balls than Jenna Jameson.
– Diva Search Alexis is guilty of being an uppity bitch that thinks she’s too good. Also, it’s “To be the MAN, you gotta beat the MAN.” There is no WOMAN in that statement, whore.
– Batista is guilty of giving a little bitch too much information.
– Hulk Hogan is guilty of wasting my TV time.
– John Cena is guilty of being a little bitch for letting Hogan celebrate. Back in the day, Cena would’ve cut a rap promo on Hogan, calling him a yellow fag with tits that sag. Now he bows out…what a bitch.
– Undertaker is guilty of a hate crime for hurting the Arabs.
– The Mexicools are guilty of assault and not using enough fertilizer. I swear to God is Super Crazy does one more moonsault off my roof onto my lawn again, I will have him deported.
– Michelle McCool is guilty of being my new blond tramp.
– Eddie Guerrero is guilty of sort of molesting Dominic. I know I wasn’t the only one that thought he was going to pull the “dick in the popcorn” gag with that candy to Dominic.
– Teddy Long is guilty of being a liar, plain and simple…PLAYA!
– Batista is guilty of liking anal pleasure too much. From Trips to JBL? Wow, and we thought Meanie got it bad.


She used to take peoples eyeballs out after they died. BEAT THAT!

Visit Victoria at ViciousVixen.com.


I’m only going to comment on the trade and be done because it’s the 4th and I have a Yankee game to get drunk at. So let’s take a look, shall we?

RAW brand gets:

-Mark Jindrak: Former WCW Tag Team Champion. I don’t give a shit. Honestly, he won’t contribute too much and will probably get released. If they gave up on O’Haire, they’ll give up on him.

-Rene Dupree: Former WWE Tag Team Champion; former World Tag Team Champion. They can pair him up with Gren…wait, what the f*ck are they, retarded? Never liked this guy much anyways.

-Danny Basham: Two-time former WWE Tag Team Champion. Why break up this team? I heard they were pretty good singles guys in OVW, but I doubt they are like Shelton and Haas, so the result won’t be the same as it was last year.

-Kenzo Suzuki (with Hiroko): Former WWE Tag Team Champion, Doesn’t he have the black lung or something? Should I care?

-Chavo Guerrero: Five-time former Cruiserweight Champion; two-time former WWE Tag Team Champion. Poor Chavito. It’s either IC Title or pink slip and TNA.
ҬSmackDown! brand gets:

-William Regal: Four-time former WCW Television Champion; three-time former Hardcore Champion; four-time former European Champion; former Intercontinental Champion; four-time former World Tag Team Champion. Backstage skits, pre-taped, he’s golden. He won’t go full time active though.

-Candice: 2004 RAW Diva Search contestant. Anybody notice how busted this girl is? I see GoDaddy commercials and I’m like “EWWW…nice boobs though.”

-Sylvain Grenier: Four-time former World Tag Team Champion. Whatever

-Simon Dean: Former RAW sponsor. Bring back Nova or cut him.

-Steven Richards: Former two-time ECW Tag Team Champion; former 21-time Hardcore Champion. Stevie Night Velocity or Stevocity really don’t work, but if they hire Meanie and recreate the bWo, I’m all for it.


Hope you all have a fun 4th; I’ll bring all the news on Thursday. Until then, check out my Crucifix blog, which deals with many more things than just wrestling. Like Tom Cruise. Yea, I’m deep like that. Adios!