Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 07.05.05

Quick Quiz: Name at least twelve Third World countries that can be bailed out of debt solely on the amount of money these four guys have spent suing each other.

Oh, God, there’s nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. I mean nothing. Nothing in the category of wrestling news that doesn’t go beyond the trivialities that Wade Keller thinks is newsworthy, and nothing in the “legitimate” news either. The weekend’s most exciting news encompassed a spacecraft hitting a comet, a series of rock concerts around the world, and Venus Williams pulling one out from God knows where and reestablishing the fact that Centre Court is uniquely her domain. There isn’t much to work with, folks. I don’t even really have a dead person that I can do an In Memoriam riff on, and I’m in a bad enough mood to make a bad taste comment concerning recycling in re the founder of Earth Day (who died over the weekend). Plus, given my absolute hatred of the Chiefs from having been inundated by them for the past year, I’m not going to touch Hank Stram. I’m trapped in a thing called Void.

Let’s face it, Hyatte did a “Best Of” in order to avoid the Holiday Doldrums. I don’t do “Best Of”s. I always work in the moment, a series of instant snapshots as opposed to long, lingering vistas. Hyatte is an Ansel Adams type, I’m a Robert Frank. If I was smart, I would have reserved the Double-Team Short Form and put it in this column. At least you’d have had material. But when my canvas is blank, the best I can do is doodle. So this sucker’s going to turn out to be the Pimp Section and the Short Form, and thanks to everyone taking off for the holiday weekend here in the US, the Pimp Section ain’t gonna be great shakes.

This sucks, but I shall soldier on.

THE PIMP SECTION

Fleabag rips the DVD of One-Night Stand to shreds. This is why piracy is beautiful; you get to avoid paying money for stuff like this.

Lucard demythologizes America, and America’s better off for it.

Oh, bleh bleh bleh, Paul. There is no such thing as community any more in the music business. There hasn’t been since the mid-80s. I should know. I was there.

Maybe if Hevia and I got together, we’d cobble up something resembling a complete column.

Basilo is far more optimistic about the Draft Lottery and the trade than I am.

Tierney talks Fantasy Baseball and trade rumors. Meanwhile, the entire Sports staff ignored Wimbledon and are ignoring the fact that the Tour de France is going on.

AND HERE’S THAT BIG BUNCH OF NOTHING I PROMISED YOU

Don’t believe me? Here’s Da Meltz on that subject:

This coming week may be one of the quietest of the year in the U.S. Aside from tonight’s show, there is nothing on the WWE schedule until next Monday at the Continental Airlines Arena for the Raw taping.

1bob’s mostly pimping the Hardcore Homecoming DVD. What a surprise.

The Torch is virtually non-existent on news, instead providing a clear platform for James Caldwell’s nonsensical blathering. I don’t even bother with that place anymore.

1bullshit Junior has absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, of substance. Normally I can take one of Milord’s mealy-mouthed entries and go to town with it, but today, jack shit.

And that’s pretty much it. You know, I do have something in my back pocket that virtually no one’s ever seen. I did submit my normal Tuesday news column on September 11th, 2001 to the Smarks prior to You Know What happening, and it was up for a while until those events occurred. Since I tend to work in real time, it’s pretty much just sat there on my hard drive. Hell, I haven’t looked at it in years. Almost everyone, though, has never seen it due to the events of later that day. I could always pull it out and have it see the light of day…

…very interesting Raw on that last day of normalcy the world had seen, I have to admit. Christian had just turned heel, and has stayed there to this day. Matt and Jeff Hardy and Lita were involved in a six-person, and they were up against a heel Novocaine Helms. Booker beat the Undertaker with a clean pin, something that hasn’t happened with the Undertaker since, I believe. And Tajiri won the US title when it was still labeled the WCW US title. I also noted that Japan had announced its first case of BSE over that weekend. All in all, not interesting enough to reprint in full (a good portion of the news that week dealt with Marcus Bagwell, and thank God that we don’t remember him), but, still…

…it’s amazing to think that so many of the same players are still here from 2001, and in the same positions (that week on Raw also featured a Hardcore Title match between, of all people, Kurt Angle and Rob Van Dam). That show could be broadcast this week, in fact, and there’d only be a bit of wonder of why UT and Booker were on Raw (perhaps they could disguise it as the Smackdown Rebound) and where Cena was. It’s really amazing to think about how much ossification has set in. However, there may be some relief coming soon. WWE’s announced that Brian Gewirtz has moved over to the film division, and he’s not contributing to Raw anymore. This is a good thing for Raw. Gewirtz lost it years ago, helped along judiciously by Steph, of course. So he’s burnt out. We came to that conclusion in 2002, but he stuck around putting out the same purile drivel week after week. It became so pathetic that we stopped talking about him. But, I think that we’re of the opinion that as long as Steph’s there, nothing will change of any significance. You’ll know that for certain the moment Cena drops his strap to Trip.

And just to prove that point, here’s this week’s edition of Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Kane and The Big Show over Edge and Gene Snitsky (Pinfall, Kane pins Snitsky, chokeslam): Okay, everyone in the audience who actually paid attention to this one and gave a damn, raise your hands. Those people with your hands up, you will be sent to reeducation camps and undergo forced sterilization.

Viscera over Romeo and Antonio, Handicap Match (DQ, Unnecessary Abuse Of A Five-Hundred Pound Black Guy): This was supposed to be angle advancement for the Viscera/Lesbian Garcia angle. So where and how was the angle advanced? An angle advancement match that doesn’t come through? Oh, they’re pathetic.

Rene Dupree over Val Venis (Pinfall, rollup): Memo to Rene Dupree: Grow in the mustache, reverse the dye job, and shave off the sideburns, now. You look like a f*cking idiot. KC Evers (no relation) pointed out to me that you looked like some mutant Johnny B. Badd. So, therefore you have an incentive to change: don’t and you’ll have to marry Sable.

Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan over Kurt Angle and Carly Colon (Pinfall, Hogan pins Colon, and if you can’t figure out how, you’re a complete piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to live): Like any other person with taste, I only paid attention during the Michaels/Angle portions of the match, ignoring the remainder. Of course, the big thing was Michaels’ heel turn post-match. I’m still trying to figure out exactly why this was done. Angle’s transfer to Raw mitigated the need for additional heels in the upper-card. The only reason I can think of is to stretch out the undeniable chemistry that Hogan and Michaels have together (but as opponents?), then give someone interesting for Cena to f*ck with after he’s through with Jericho. Of course, it didn’t help that the rest of the show was so damn sleep-inducing before this. You could actually be forgiven for missing this one after shutting off the show in disgust by that point.

Angle Developments:

The Spirit of Gewirtz Lives: Opening the show with 1) Carlito’s Cabana 2) with Hogan 3) to pimp Hogan’s reality show? Oh, they’re definitely not helping matters any. Not even Angle and Michaels could save this one. I really have to feel bad for Angle. Having to team up with Carly to face the Titanic Egos? What did he do to deserve this, especially after SkankFest ’05 over on Smackdown?

Dipping Into His Uncle’s Old Stash: So how exactly was Chavito convinced into actually trying this Kerwin White angle? As usual with wrestling, it either involved copious quantities of drugs or evidence from a donkey show. I’d go for the donkey show. I did my Basic at Fort Bliss, so I know what’s across the river from El Paso. I said in the Double-Team Short Form over the weekend (and why aren’t you reading it?) that nothing good can come of the move for him. I didn’t know they’d completely flush it into the toilet on the first f*cking night.

A Two-Pronged Question: So, is anyone going to vote against Leyla? Thought not.

Let’s hope and pray that something actually happens in the world to stimulate me to do a column tomorrow (and that my stomach also complies, unlike last week). Until I see you next time, I’ll be repeatedly sticking myself with an electric cattle prod in order to try to stay awake until something motivates me.