SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF
Hi everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! Yes, I know. These columns are becoming more infrequent then a Kansas City Royals win. Well, not that infrequent. That’s a bit of a hyperbole…we’ll say a Tampa Bay Devil Rays win. But I am glad to say while the last column signified the unofficial end to my online hiatus; this signifies the official end to my online hiatus. Of course, behind the scenes and offline I’ve been busy busy busy like a manic depressive bumble bee. But I’m gonna make up to you by…wait a minute.
Ok, before I go any further, I’m supposed to tell you all to take the IP Survey. And if you take this survey, you will be entered into a contest when we will randomly draw a winner for a 1000 dollar gift certificate at the WWE Shop Zone!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, I’m lying. You don’t get entered into anything.
But as a token of appreciation here is a FREE MAZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And be sure to turn the volume up for that cool jingle!
Go take it…then come back later. We’ll still be here when you get back.
Did you do the a FREE MAZE??? No? Well go on……do it. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.
Assuming you completed the maze all I have to say is well, I’m sorry and it is funny even if you don’t think so. Because I didn’t think it was funny at first but for some reason when you’re the giver and not the receiver, it’s funny.
That last sentence was awkward.
So, assuming for a brief moment that this is a sports column, we are now known what is called the Dog Days of Summer. A bizarre time for sports. Sure, tennis and golf are in full swing (hahahahahaha) and auto racing is in fifth gear (ikilleme) and maybe even a few of you have a baseball team (or two) in contention. But all together, this is one of the slower months in sports. Not as slow as February, but quite possibley the second slowest month next to February. Of course, we’re not counting the first week of February which the Super Bowl has sneakily moved into these past few years (just how did they do that without anyone noticing), but those other three weeks of February. And you all know about those three weeks of February. No baseball, no football, the NHL and NBA (in theory) are having their listless all-star breaks, and the only thing really going on is College Hoops and Poker. And I don’t know if Poker is a sport or not nor do I care. All I know is that many sports fans tend to navigate toward poker like a monk to a succubus. And don’t get all offended by the analogy, I just think succubus is a cool word and I use it any chance I can get. Which of course brings us to the next point of order. What the hell was this paragraph supposed to be about? This has got to be the worst paragraph I ever written in my entire life. And now look; I’m writing about how bad my paragraph is, my god, the paragraph is just getting worse and worse. That’s it, I’m ending this paragraph right now!
Whew! This column almost completely got out of hand. You know what, I think it’s time to get to FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN @))% I mean 2005!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE @))% 2005 MLB DEATH LIST
ST. PETERSBURG DEVIL RAYS
Congratulations! You will now have another losing season! You never had a winning season in your existence, and you won’t in the near future. I mean seriously, you are in the AL EAST next to FOUR of the biggest and most popular baseball markets in the world. What did you think you could do for 20 million? It’s decision time folks. Start investing into a real baseball team, sell the team to somebody will, or just fold. Preferably, option b, because I am a hopeless romantic and I don’t like to see any team fold. Yeah, yeah, I know. You stole a good pitcher from the Mets with an awesome trade. That’s one position filed. 24 to go!
DETROIT TIGERS
Ok, someone explain to me how a baseball team in the fifth biggest market in the United States crys and whines like a small market team. And someone explain to me how this same owner has no problem giving blank checks to every Russian hockey player that ever existed but becomes a weenie when it comes to baseball players. I know, they’re slowly getting out of the whole by paying for that guy, and that guy. Whatever, one or two players doesn’t make a team folks. One of these days, the Tigers will make a comeback. And according to them, it’ll be next year. Mmm hmmm…
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Congratulation on yet another early death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have now completely turned one of the greatest baseball towns in the last fifty years into a cesspool of apathy. Don’t blame it on the Yankees, don’t blame it on the System, and don’t blame it on the Game, blame it on YOU! Yes, it’s all your fault. Four years ago, all your young stars (Beltran, Dye, Damon, etc) came to YOU and said they had the makings of a good team, they liked Kansas City, and they were all willing to give the ownership “hometown discounts.” And YOU blew them off. That’s the real story. Enjoy your grave.
SEATTLE MARINERS
Well, this year was supposed to be a blow-off year anyway. A sort of obstacle course for their young budding stars in the hopes of a more promising future. Still, it’s hard to believe this was a 100+ win team just a few short years ago. I gotta say, that supposed upside of theirs which included Sexson, Beltre, and Moyer is jut looking OK. Though they still have one of the players in baseball in Suzuki and man did Bret Boone grow old and die fast or what?
NEW YORK METS
I figure I should pick one team in the NL East, so I’ll pick the Mets? Why? Why Not? This team could be HUGE next year, but too many holes. At the end, they only have a roster of like 14 players, and the rest are no better then platooners (no, it’s not a real word, I made it up.). Though if they live up to their history, they’ll make it exciting and fake their fans out once or twice this season.
THE ENTIRE NL CENTRAL EXCEPT ST. LOUIS
Yup, I’m calling it now. No Wild Card from this division. Prove me wrong guys, Prove me wrong!
SAN FRANCISO GIANTS
Ha! How’s this for a fall from grace. Still a bit surprising, this team is better then their pitiful 400 record. With that said, they’re dead. Yes, this team does have it in them to have a ten game winning streak and get back into contention, but that won’t happen because they are dead. With that said…………..Jason Schmidt and Moises Alou! Who wants them? Well, everyone. Who’s gonna get them? The usual suspects most likely.
COLORADO ROCKEIS
You know what? This team could have a bright future. They’re dead this year, but this youth movement could prove successful if the RE-SIGN everybody. Whether they do that is anybody’s guess. If not, they’ll be here next year.
So, that’s it this week. Yeah, I know. Small column. But I’ll be back……………NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In September, this column becomes College Football and Stuff, so until then we’ll gab about sports, sex, dangerous drugs, and whatever happens to be going on at the moment. You know, have a little fun before we all die.
Be Excellent to Each Other!
