Communists Now Least Threatening Group in U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC-According to a report released Tuesday by the Pentagon, Communists rank last on a list of 238 threats to national security. “Communists may now safely be ignored,” Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. “The Red Menace has been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists, cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers.” Other groups deemed more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237).
–The Onion, 21 Dec. 2000-17 Jan. 2001
Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Delilah’s in Chicago, which was named one of Maxim‘s “Greatest American Neighborhood Bars.” I have been going there on an almost weekly basis since I first turned 21, and even though they bumped up their daily whiskey specials (before it was $2 for a shot, mixed, or rocks, and now it’s $2 for shots and $3 for the others), it’s still got one of the best selections in the city, with Booker’s, Midleton, and George T. Stagg all under one roof. And as noted in the magazine, their jukebox is pretty freaking awesome, although the one at Quencher’s trumps all.
Last week’s column was a no-show for a few reasons. I was finishing up the final details for the upcoming issue of Dispute Resolution Magazine, and as a result the column that I had thrown together was sloppy and unsubstantial. However, I did plan to post it in my haste, but according to Widro, there was a problem with the server, which caused some complications in that area. After waiting a few hours, I re-read the column and decided to scrap it because I realized how horrendous and rushed it was. This column, which precedes next week’s 100th Saturday Swindle Sheet Extravaganza, will be shortened on account of my preparations for an extra large column next week. Plus, it’s my weekend off and I’d like to get out and drink tonight.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (WARREN WOO RECON EDITION)
Could it be? A Warren Woo sighting at Delilah's in Chicago? The search rages on!
After almost a year of being Warren Woo-less, we’ve decided to throw together a consortium to uncover him from whatever rock he’s hiding under. We are called the S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team, and we will
find him by the end of the year, otherwise, I’ll buy Widro a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
That_Bootleg_Guy recently spotted a possible Woo at a deli in San Diego on May 13. After Woo ordered five pounds of shaved chicken roll, Aaron turned around to dry heave, and when he turned back around, Woo was gone.
Shawn M. Smith was posing for a picture to appear in next week’s column on Friday when he noticed what appeared to be Warren Woo riding a bicycle down the street outside of his house. After getting the “perfect shot” he raced downstairs to catch up with the man, but the bicycle was now being piloted by a person wearing a bear outfit with a diaper. Could Warren Woo actually be The Masturbating Bear?
On June 15, while on sabbatical, Mathan Erhardt witnessed a man matching Warren Woo’s description at a hardware store in Las Vegas. The man was buying PVC pipe, presumably to make one of those homemade potato cannons. When Mathan approached Woo, he disappeared into thin air. Two days later, Mathan was awoken by the sound of breaking glass and got out of bed to see a mutilated potato on the floor of his living room, and a bear on a bicycle fleeing the scene.
D’Estroyer was at a rock concert in Boston on April 30 when he saw Warren Woo walking through the crowd, passing out promo CDs. By the time Tom made it through the crowd, Woo was gone, but a pile of Rawkus Records 2005 samplers were left on the ground. They featured new music by Talib Kweli and Sir Menelik.
Michael Chadwick saw a man matching Warren Woo’s description while watching TV last Monday. The possible Woo was in the background of the set of The Today Show, and was waving a sign that said, “Robert Goulet is GOD.” As a result, Chadwick picked up a gun and shot a hole right through his television set. He then ate a bunch of peanut butter and banana sandwiches and fell asleep in his own filth.
Gloomchen was making quesadillas on July 3 when she realized that one of the tortillas that she had cooked contained a burn mark that bore a resounding resemblance to one Warren Woo…
David Kyle Paul
has never seen Warren Woo, but he’s still being considered for the S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team.
NEWS TO USE
Rapper Lil Kim was sentenced on Wednesday after being convicted of lying to a grand jury in 2001 in re a shootout that occurred outside of a radio station in Manhattan betwixt her entourage and that of rappers Capone-N-Noreaga. She received a sentence of 366 days in prison, along with a $50,000 fine, although the prosecution had sought for a three-year sentence. Lil Kim is the first mainstream female rapper to serve a substantial amount of time in prison. She will have to report to a yet-to-be-determined prison by September 19, although her attorneys are lobbying to have her sent to Danbury, Connecticut, so that she can be closer to her mother. According to prison guards at the Danbury facility, Big Brenda had already claimed Lil Kim as her “bitch” upon hearing the news of the sentence, but later traded her to Razorblade Rhonda for two cartons of smokes and three rookie prospects in 2006.
Lil Kim, who has no problem showing off her breasts in public, will have plenty of time to do so... IN JAIL!!!
Trent Reznor announced this week that he is inviting fans to download and remix Nine Inch Nails’ new single, “Only,” after he did the same thing with “The Hand That Feeds,” and that garnered a large amount of interest from fans. This time, however, the program will be open to both Mac and PC users on Ableton Live, Pro Tools LE, Acid Xpress/Pro, and Garageband, as the previous one was only open to Mac users, exclusively on Garageband. “There is no agenda here other than for you to explore, experiment and have fun with it,” Reznor said. “There are only two people who I’d urge to not participate in this, and they are Jeremy Botter and Fatboy Slim. Especially Fatboy Slim.”
Joe Loeffler, formerly of Chevelle, recently posted a vitriol on the band’s Web site’s message board, saying that their reports that he had left of his own volition were complete bollocks. Loeffler said that he had been forced out of the band, and had no previous intention to depart, adding, “This is exactly what I expected from them. Try and make it look like I didn’t want to be in the band. I was fired, plain and simple; in fact, there wasn’t even a discussion about itÃ¢â‚¬â€they just dropped it on me … I made no decision and am not taking a break. I will be working on getting a new job immediately. A break also means there’s a chance to come back, and nothing could be farther from reality. I was fired and they have not said a word to me since. I would never ask to be back in.”
After being convicted of drunken driving and ordered to complete a three-month alcohol treatment program, Backstreet Boys singer Nick Carter will be allowed to tour with the group throughout the summer and then enter the treatment in the fall. He will also be able to drink copious amounts of alcohol, do lots of drugs, have sex with prostitutes, and kick random police officers in the crotch without any repercussions.
The funeral service for R&B singer Luther Vandross took place on Friday at New York’s Riverside Church, and was attended by several family members, fans, and other singers including Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, Patti LaBelle, Usher, and Alicia Keys. The eight-time Grammy winner died on July 1 at a hospital in New Jersey, of complications from a stroke that he suffered last year. He was 54.
Hall and Oates have been forced to postpone the remainder of their upcoming shows in support of their new album, Our Kind of Soul, after singer Daryl Hall was diagnosed with Lyme disease. He is currently receiving treatment and is expected to make a full recovery.
New York’s Daily News reported on Thursday that the pregnant Britney Spears is expecting twins, although the singer’s spokeswoman could not confirm the story, saying, “If she’s having twins, I have not been told yet. Let me make some calls.” The Saturday Swindle Sheet would like to report that Britney Spears is pregnant with TRIPLET goats! You heard it here first.
The Live 8 concerts took place last week, and there’s waaay too much to cover given that I’ve got to wrap this up soon in order to have it turned in on time. Read my peers for more in-depth coverage.
Q and Not U have decided to break up after seven years in the indie-rock fold. They will still be playing a string of summer shows, as well as a farewell tour, before officially parting ways.
Renaldo “Obie” Benson, of the Four Tops, passed away on Friday at a Detroit hospital, after a long bout of illness. He was 69.
After having their case against the city of Los Angeles dismissed by a judge due to police mishandling evidence, the family of the late Notorious B.I.G. (nÃƒÂ© Christopher Wallace) say that they will renew their wrongful death lawsuit.
The Repugnant Cunt is engaged to fellow Ontario native/mediocre musician Deryck Whibley of Sum 41.
Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds performed a small-venue, invitation-only set in New Orleans on Friday, in conjunction with the release of his upcoming album, Grown and Sexy.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
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Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Type O Negative, “Love You to Death”
Bryan Adams, “Run to You”
MotÃƒÂ¶rhead, “Ace of Spades”
New Order, “Age of Consent”
Megadeth, “Angry Again”
Chicago, “Saturday in the Park”
The Police, “Can’t Stand Losing You”
Tears for Fears, “Mad World”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Under the Gun”
Billy Joel, “Only the Good Die Young”
A Reminiscent Drive, “Ambrosia”
Garbage, “Only Happy When It Rains”
Consolidated, “You Suck”
Fiona Apple, “Shadowboxer”
A Guy Called Gerald, “The First Breath”
Bauhaus, “Dark Entries”
The Buzzcocks, “Love You More”
Les Nubians, “Tabou”
Royce Da 5’9″, “Scary Movies” [f/Eminem]
Dead Kennedys, “Police Truck”
They Might Be Giants, “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
MSNBC.com decided not to leave the aforementioned Spin “Top 100 Albums of the Past 20 Years” list unanswered, as they recently assembled their own list. However, this list was divided into two categories, not ranked by number, and not rounded off to an even number. Subjectivity now!
More or Less Mainstream
Public Enemy, Fear of a Black Planet
U2, The Joshua Tree
Paul Simon, Graceland
Pearl Jam, Ten
Nirvana, Unplugged in New York
The Indigo Girls, The Indigo Girls
Beastie Boys, Paul’s Boutique
Neil Young, Harvest Moon
Johnny Cash, American Recordings
U2, Rattle & Hum
De La Soul, 3 Feet High and Rising
Run DMC, Raising Hell
Kate Bush, Hounds of Love
Radiohead, OK Computer
Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville
The Pogues, If I Should Fall from Grace with God
A Tribe Called Quest, The Low End Theory
Rusted Root, When I Woke
Sunny Day Real Estate, Diary
Lamb, Fear of Fours
The Dirtbombs, Ultraglide in Black
Tindersticks, Tindersticks [II]
Failure, Fantastic Planet
The Actual Tigers, Gravelled & Green
Le Tigre, Le Tigre
Interpol, Turn on the Bright Lights
Camper Van Beethoven, Key Lime Pie
Belle & Sebastian, If You’re Feeling Sinister
Stereolab, Emperor Tomato Ketchup
DJ Shadow, Endtroducing
So they decided to try and flip the bird to most of the other lists out there, and they executed it relatively well, giving shouts out to The Dirtbombs (NOT The White Stripes) and Lamb (NOT Portishead). And that Kate Bush album is great, but… never mind, it’s not my list. It is, however, an interesting read. Here’s the whole thing. Tell me what you think.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
The Saturday Swindle Sheet offers its thoughts and support to the people of London, England.