The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #100

I love this job more than I love taffy, and I’m a man who enjoys his taffy…

Thanks for tuning in for my 100th column. I’d like to thank Widro for taking a chance on me in March of 2003 by letting me do CD reviews for 411mania, and then later giving me my own weekly column in July of that year. I’d also like to thank Fingers and Widro for inviting me to come over to InsidePulse to start out this Web site at the end of last summer. Here’s to another 100…

The S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team has uncovered a number of leads in its search for Warren Woo, and it appears as if we may find him even quicker than originally expected. Ergo, I may not have to buy Widro the 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon that I’d wagered. Then again, it’s probably for the better, as Widro has a bad temper, which gets even worse when he drinks.

On a slightly related note, last week I was looking for a picture of The Masturbating Bear to accompany the mention of that character in last week’s Warren Woo-themed “Dramatis Personae,” but when I tried Google Image Search, one of the only things I got was this…


Before he hit it big on Late Night With Conan O’Brien, The Masturbating Bear played bit roles like this one, from 1977’s made-for-television movie, The Incredible Hulk: Death in the Family. As you can see, he’s still getting some crotch lovin’, but sans his trademark diaper.

NEWS TO USE

The Random House publishing company announced on Tuesday that a pending lawsuit with The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Shithead, whom it had sued after he failed to pay back a $300,000 advance that he had received for a memoir that he had never finished, had been “amicably resolved.” The lawsuit, filed in February, claimed that P. Diddy and his Bad Boy Entertainment company had “simply kept the money they never rightfully earned,” and was seeking the return of the advance plus interest. The rapper/producer had reportedly signed with the publisher in 1998, and then subsequently failed to deliver a manuscript by the agreed deadline of Dec. 15, 1999. A few months later, Random House started sending P. Diddy follow-up letters, notifying him that he was in breach of contract and that the company wanted the advance back. While Random House was unable to confirm whether The Shithead had paid them back or not, they did tell reporters that they no longer had plans to publish the rapper’s book. However, as part of the settlement, they had to produce an ad hoc crown for P. Diddy, with the engraved words, “I am the greatest man to have ever lived. I can do no wrong. In fact, my shit is made of 24-karat gold and smells like lilacs.”

Just weeks after getting away with being acquitted of multiple child molestation charges, Michael Jackson is being sued for $48 million by Prescient Acquisition Group, Inc., for breach of contract. The New Jersey-based financial firm claims that it is owed money after having helped Jackson get out of his $272.5 million debt with Bank of America, but has received none of the previously-agreed-upon payment since it started offering its services last November. The lawsuit claims that the Prescient firm found several private investors to help Jackson pay off his immense debt, which was putting in jeopardy his ownership of MJ Publishing Trust, which owns and manages thousands of songs, including many from The Beatles’ back catalogue. The firm also claims that it helped acquire another $256 million for Jackson to purchase Sony/ATV Music’s half of the Beatles library. “The reality is we have helped Michael Jackson acquire a magnificent asset and he’ll be able to fund his exotic lifestyle for the rest of his life,” Prescient’s attorney told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “He was in desperate straits before we came in and paid off Bank of America. We just want to get paid … otherwise, we’ll be forced to circulate disparaging Michael Jackson jokes. Hey, what do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? Give up? Both of them come on little crackers! HA!” Fantastic.

In a recent interview, Roger Waters fielded some questions about Pink Floyd. “The chances of further developing with the Pink Floyd reunion are very slight,” he told reporters. “The Live 8 reunion couldn’t have been better; it was terrific, I was really glad it happened, we got along famously and it was absolutely fine, but Dave [Gilmour] and I do have major musical, philosophical, political and artistic differences. So for us to reconvene would probably not be the most brilliant idea.”

Quick Bits

In other Roger Waters news, he will be releasing an opera he wrote, called Ca Ira (There Is Hope), on CD and DVD, on Sept. 27. The composition is based on the French Revolution, and will feature baritone Bryn Terfel and other well-known classical musicians. Somehow, Lil Jon will find a way to f*ck everything up, I’m sure.

A Minneapolis-based singer/songwriter named Jennifer Armour has filed a lawsuit against Beyoncé, claiming that the singer’s hit single, “Baby Boy,” contains lyrics and a hook that was aped from her song, “Got a Little Bit of Love for You.” Armour had sent copies of the track out to several publishers in 2003, and said that somebody must have ripped it off then.

Charges of drug possession for cocaine and heroin, dating back to 2003, have been dropped against Scott Weiland, after the singer completed a court-order drug rehab program.

Vince Gill is spearheading a fundraising program in which country musicians will give the proceeds from one of their summer concerts to the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. Many musicians, including Alison Krauss, Kenny Chesney, Gretchen Wilson, Big & Rich, and Suzy Bogguss have already agreed to donate to the cause.

This just in… Rapper Bow Wow was trampled to death by a horde of teenage girls, while promoting his new album, Wanted, at J&R Music World in lower Manhattan. Wait… no, never mind, he’s still alive. You heard it here first. Bow Wow is still alive.

The upcoming reggae-influenced album by Willie Nelson, called Countryman, will feature a cover design with a large pot leaf on a red and yellow background, resembling a label from pack of rolling papers. However, the label also was forced to produce a cover with a palm tree substituted for the leaf so that Wal-Mart could sell it.

In the ongoing Chevelle saga about which you probably don’t care, after Joe Loeffler claimed that he left the band of his own volition, he, along with his brothers and former bandmates Sam and Pete, set the record straight. They released a joint statement saying that Joe had been kicked out of the band due to “irreconcilable differences.” In other words, he pissed them off, probably when he drank all of their beer and tried to cover it up by urinating in the bottles.

Boston Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo released his debut album this past week. Covering the Bases includes covers of songs by Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Goo Goo Dolls, and Incubus, and is said to be the best thing to be released since last week’s Got Hits 2 compilation.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

BACKCATALOGUE 100

In preparation for my special 100th-edition EXTRAVAGANZA, a few weeks ago, I asked some of my friends, family, and co-workers to compile some of their favorite items from past Swindle Sheets. For the past (almost) two years, we’ve been through lots together, including (but not limited to) “50 Cent looks like” jokes, naked pictures of Blu Cantrell, the debut album of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, two supergroups with Aaron Cameron, “The Late Night Jukebox,” hating on Fred Durst and Lil Jon, my temporary infatuation with Dana Suzanne, copious amounts of profanity and sarcasm, and much, much more…

Pink says that she used to work at McDonald’s, and admitted that she was one of the shittiest workers on the entire team. This proves the point that doing a terrible job at work will eventually lead to fame and fortune.

Lil Kim recently stated that charges against her for taking part in a 2001 shooting are nothing but a “witch hunt against the hip-hop industry.” In an EXCLUSIVE interview with a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, Kim said, “Yeah, so I lied to grand jury. So what? How many of you have ever lied? Come on, Jeff Fernandez, like you’ve never taken a day off from work to sleep in because you drank too much the night before, but you told your boss that your great-aunt Lucy got hit by an asparagus truck and is in critical condition so you can’t come in to work.”

Dave Matthews Band will play a free concert in Golden Gate Park on Sept. 12, which is being organized in order to benefit Bay Area charities. Fans can request the free tickets on the band’s website, and when they do, are encouraged to make donations in $25 increments. If they do not make any donations, the tickets will be sent to their house in an envelope filled with anthrax. Hey, fair is fair.

When he’s not talking gibberish, Fred Durst can be seen in your toilet after you’ve eaten chili and/or White Castles, like any other offensive shit.

There is some tension between R. Kelly’s management and the Texas Military Family Foundation, after the singer played a concert in Belton, Texas, last month. Apparently, the foundation, which was to be the beneficiary of the fund-raising concert, still has not received any of the $107,045 that was raised. Representatives of the singer say that the situation will be taken care of, even if they have to pay the money out of their own pockets, and even if they have to come to Texas and urinate on the faces of the foundation workers in person.

Mariah Carey said that she was very surprised to receive such a warm reception upon arriving to play a concert in Shanghai, because communists are notorious for hating big boobs.

The Beastie Boys will be featured in EA Sports’ upcoming NBA Street V3, as a three-man team that will be playable, representing the New York Knicks. Also confirmed for the game are P-Funk, Warren Moon, Bill Clinton, Chow-Chow, Kabuki, Magic Hair, Carol Blazekowski, Sal DiVita, Heavy D, and the gorilla that is the mascot for the Phoenix Suns.

A Manhattan federal judge granted an injunction to representatives of Eminem, who were trying to prevent The Source from including a CD containing the controversial early tracks from the artist in their January issue. The CD would include two songs, recorded when Eminem was a teenager, in which he said that black girls are “dumb,” and also used the word “n[u]gge[t].” The magazine released a statement that said, “The fact that our opinion regarding the prevalence of racism in the music industry is being censored is just another step in the effort to cover up the racial bias destroying hip-hop culture.” Eminem claims that the early recordings were “foolishness,” and were recorded when he was an angry and stupid teenager. Benzino says that while this is a huge defeat for the music industry, he has future plans to bite back by showing a tape of Obie Trice missing Bozo Bucket #1 when he was 6 years old.

My favorite wrestler ever, La Parka, was arrested this past week in Mexico after reportedly assaulting a man in a bar after a show. Hopefully this means that La Parka will be signed to McWrestling soon, because Stone Cold Steve Austin got re-hired after beating his wife.

[Suge] Knight told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “It will be nice to be back in jail. I missed my cell. I hope they didn’t take down my Rita Hayworth poster. I missed raping 18-year-old prisoners. I also missed the food. I hope they still have those green beans that I like.”

Puff Diddy recently said that he will be looking into the treatment of workers in a factory in Honduras, which manufactures his Sean John clothing line. The National Labor Committee released a report citing poor working conditions at the Southeast Textiles plant in Choloma, including extra-long hours, shitty pay, contaminated water, and poor ventilation. Diddy said, “If there is any proof of any wrongdoing, we will terminate our relationship with this factory immediately. I will not tolerate any violation of labor laws at any facility where Sean John is manufactured. Unless, of course, they can recite every single lyric from ‘Juicy.’ Then I can overlook that it’s a sweatshop.”

Following up on a story from last week, the Dave Matthews Band released a statement saying that if they are willing to provide DNA to help determine whether or not several hundred pounds of sewage dropped onto a tourist boat in the Chicago River came from their tour bus. In other news, 50 Cent has offered to provide DNA in order to determine whether or not he is related to a leaf-nosed bat at the Bronx Zoo that he looks way too much like to be a coincidence.

American Idol 2 runner-up Clay Aiken will be releasing his album before the winner, Ruben Studdard will. This just shows that winning at stuff is absolutely useless. Never try for anything, kids.

George Grantham, drummer of rock band Poco, had a stroke whilst performing onstage with the band during a local music festival on Springfield, Massachusetts. He collapsed just one song into the band’s set, at which time lead singer Rusty Young called for any medically trained audience members to assist Grantham. He had surgery to relieve fluid on his brain and is currently resting at a local medical center. While physicians say that there was no definite cause for the stroke, I point the finger squarely at that f*cking shitstarter Lil Jon, who has been responsible for everything wrong to ever happen, including the explosion in Reactor 4 at Chernobyl in 1986, and the cataclysmic eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in A.D. 79, which buried the entire city of Pompeii. I think it goes without saying that the world would be much better off without Lil Jon.

The Dixie Chicks’ tour bus was rear-ended early Thursday morning while parked alongside a San Antonio highway. The only member of the group that was in the bus at the time was Emily Robinson, and she was not injured. Apparently someone had thrown an object at the bus while it was driving on the highway. When the driver pulled over to check the condition of the bus, it was then rear-ended by another automobile. When asked about the incident, President George W. Bush said that British intelligence had shown that the bus was filled with nuclear weapons.

I really do like The Mars Volta. They are quite awesome. However, on the other hand, I think that white guy ‘fros are quite possibly one of the very banes of the human race. Seriously, it looks absolutely retarded. It makes you look like Richard Simmons. Do you want to look like Richard Simmons? Huh? …because you look like Richard Simmons.

When the Tommy Tutone song first came out in 1982, people who had the phone number 867-5309 where enraged due to the influx of prank calls that they received. Well, now it appears as if the whole ’80s-being-cool-again thing has garnered a heavy interest in owning this number, as it is currently up for bid on eBay. The number, (212) 867-5309 has several bidders, the highest as of right now being $2648.99. The winner will have the opportunity to have the number transferred to their mobile or Internet line. After this auction closes, please call this person and tell them that they are a f*cking choad.

50 Cent’s G-Unit group and Ja Rule will be releasing new albums on the same exact day, respectively. Ja Rule looks like a puppy that got slapped in the face. HA!

Singer Jay Kay of Jamiroquai had his driver’s license revoked for six months, and was fined $1350 after committing a severe speeding infraction. While driving on a busy road in Perth, Scotland, he had passed a line of stopped cars, exceeding the posted speed limit by more than 30 mph. Kay had pleaded guilty, and written a letter to the court stating that he had “set out early in the morning but had become stuck behind slow moving traffic on the single-carriageway road.” While nobody had caught a glimpse of his plates, several people testified that they had seen the driver wearing a large, obnoxious, fuzzy top hat, and Dr. Seuss’ Cat in the Hat had witnesses that placed him at a villa in Johannesburg, South Africa, at the time of the incident.

The Repugnant Cunt will perform the theme song for the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. The movie soundtrack will also feature songs from Ween, The Shins, and Motörhead. The Repugnant Cunt and Motörhead on the same CD? Even if you don’t live near Chicago, but if you listen hard enough, you can still actually hear my head exploding.

British pop star Robbie Williams recently told reporters that he has slept with four of the five Spice Girls. While he’s known for having dated Geri Halliwell and Melanie Chisholm, he would not reveal which other two he’s been with. He bragged, “I’ve only got one left to have had all of the Spice Girls.” According to an industry insider, “If he’s saying he’s slept with four of the girls it means he either got it on with his best friend Max Beesley’s partner, or Victoria or Emma. Either way, I have no idea why Jeff Fernandez is reporting this story. Maybe it has to do with all the turkey he had for Thanksgiving, and how it made him lazier than usual.”

The three members of German rock band Landser were convicted of forming a “criminal organization” and of incitement for their neo-Nazi lyrics. Prosecutors said that this was a large step in the right direction towards fighting neo-Nazi music, and that this was the first time that a band has ever been considered a criminal organization. Prosecutors described the band’s music as “racist, nationalistic and anti-Semitic tirades of hate,” which “called for violence against foreigners, Jews and people with other political ideas.” … The Saturday Swindle Sheet was able to get an EXCLUSIVE interview with the band, during which time they chastised me for being a “Mexican devil,” and added that McDonald’s all-new ALL-WHITE meat Chicken McNuggets are the greatest thing since sliced gas chambers.

Quiet Riot has broken up. County fairs will never be the same. I wish that I had made that up, but I didn’t. I stole it from some news program.
(Credit: Some News Program)

Shit Bizkit’s newest single is called “Eat You Alive,” and in relation to a certain woman who Fred wants that won’t give him the time of day. Yeah, Fred, there are some women with taste out there, believe it or not. Rumor has it that said lady is Angelina Jolie, which would not surprise me. When appearing on Carson Daly’s late night talk show a few weeks back, Daly asked Jolie what she though about Durst. She basically said that she’s never met him and insinuated that she doesn’t plan on it anytime soon. Yet another reason why I love Angelina Jolie. Some of the lyrics of “Eat You Alive”: “If I could approach you or even get close to the scent you left behind, I’d be fine,” as well as, “Hey, you, Ms. Too-Good-To-Look-My-Way / And that’s cool, you want nothing at all to do with me / But I want you, ain’t nothing wrong with wanting you / ‘Cause I’m a man and I can think what the hell I want, you got that straight!?” That’s right Fred! You give it to her! Once she realizes that you can think whatever you want to think because you’re a man, I’m sure she’ll drop everything and come running.

Chingy’s new video will feature Keshia Knight Pulliam, better known as Rudy Huxtable. Hopefully she will be hitting him in face with a softball bat sometime during that video.

Last May, a judge found that there was enough evidence against [Bobby] Brown for him to stand trial on the charges. He must turn himself in by Sunday to be fingerprinted, and would then be allowed to go after paying a $2000 bail. This would be the third time this year that Brown would be jailed, as he also spent a combined 32 days in prison for a probation violation and later on for back child support. According to his lawyer, Brown is “doing some very good things in his life, like staying out of jail for more than… um, like being on a low-carb diet.”

Fuck the Atkins diet. I’m going to go eat a bread sandwich with extra bread. Bite me.

Representatives for the marketing department of Daimler Chrysler say that Celine Dion’s role in their ads will be greatly reduced in the next few months. She had previously appeared in a widely broadcast spot which also featured her music. “We’re just moving into an exciting new direction,” Chrysler spokesman David Barnas told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet. “I’m not at all saying she wasn’t a good fit, but you have to admit that Afghan hounds have never been very good at selling cars.”

Ludacris has announced that he has cut off all ties with his former (shitty little) protégé, Chingy, after he went and told XXL magazine that he and his former crew, Disturbing Tha Peace, had had several monetary issues before he left the group over the summer. As far as Disturbing Tha Peace is concerned, “This is the first time we hear about his accusations, in a tabloid or through different media outlets, so all respect is lost,” Ludacris said Thursday, alongside Chaka Zulu, co-owner of the imprint. “He keeps saying it’s cool. It’s not cool. … It’s completely over. … We have no respect for this individual, basically.” Chaka Zulu said that the “monetary disputes” that Chingy speaks of never escalated to anything more than the rapper asking to see the company’s financial records a few different occasions, after which time his lawyers and accountants finally assured him that everything was kosher. In one instance, Chingy blindly stared at a single document for over 20 minutes, before pointing out something on the page, and saying, “What the f*ck is this?” Zulu, confused, said, “What, this here?” Chingy replied, “Yeah, what the f*ck is this supposed to be?” Zulu said, “Chingy, that’s the number 4. It comes after 3 and before 5.” Chingy then stared at the page for another 15 minutes before asking the same exact question again, repeating the process for over 3 hours before drinking an entire bottle of Cristal and passing out on the floor.


Chingy as Ronald McDonald (left). A bottle of Cristal (right).

The Immortal Tom Cocozza is back from vacation during which he managed to cheat death 304 times, ranging from being able to escape a burning cabin to taming a wild boar that almost tore him to shreds and then eating it for dinner with a side of baby carrots and au gratin potatoes.

I really, REALLY hate this banner that runs at the top of the page that’s an ad for Microsoft Office:mac. It makes me want to take a shit on my neighbor’s front lawn. I’ll be right back.

In an interview with a Saturday Swindle Sheet reporter, Faith Evans said that she hasn’t used either marijuana or cocaine, and that the only drug she uses is PCP, as it’s the only thing that has helped burn the image of a naked Biggie out of her head.

Roadrunner Records’ UK website made a post on April Fools’ Day saying that they had signed Guns N’ Roses and would be releasing Chinese Democracy sometime around Christmas. If you were one of the people who actually believed this, you should be kicked in the face, for everyone knows that Chinese Democracy will not be out until 2025. Your kids will love it.

Sum 41 recently made a visit to Congo to film a documentary that will examine the human rights issues in the country, as well as the country’s civil war, and the widespread exploitation of children. The band also hopes to get in contact with Malik Abacha, who promised them that they would get part of his father’s $250,000,000 estate if they sent him their checking account numbers.

I have no idea why anyone likes the music of Peaches. Also, on an unrelated note, I am in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Chilli (the “C” in TLC) told reporters that ex-boyfriend Usher admitted after the two had broken up that he had cheated on her. Usher told People magazine that he felt like Chilli wanted to get married, and said that he had considered it, even thinking of himself as a good role model for her son Tron. He said, “I felt that I could lift the poor kid’s self-esteem. Come on, with a name like Tron, nobody’s going to like you, just like if your name was Julian or Geraldo or Queef.”

Ben and Jerry have announced that in support of the musician, they will release a flavor called “Marc Almond.” It will be slightly fruity but will become a cult classic.

[Liam] Howlett [of Prodigy] decided to go with a fresh approach after being very disappointed with the group’s 2002 single, “Baby’s Got a Temper.” He said that the new album was supposed to feature a collaboration with Peaches, but that was scrapped after her schedule conflicted with the album’s recording timetable. Thank your lucky stars for that one, kids. Listening to Peaches is so excruciating that it should be used as capital punishment in third world nations. I guarantee that you would see a dramatic drop in crimes such as tourist muggings and goat theft.

Britney Spears said that despite her 55-hour marriage last week, she believes in the “sanctity of marriage.” Yeah, and I believe in the sanctity of my nuts on Britney Spears’ chin.

That_Bootleg_Guy is the Uncle Ben to my Juan Valdez, and he kicks off The Minority Report with his trademark combo of music news and pop culture references. Here’s mine… 50 Cent looks like Max Headroom. Fred Durst sucks more than slap bracelets. I’d rather drink a case of 7UP Gold than listen to Lil Jon, that f*cking shitstarter. Trick love the kids, especially when they’re wearing British Knights that they bought at Zayre. Frankie says “Relax,” but I can’t, because Ja Rule sucks.

Michael Jackson is suing the makers of Scary Movie 3 for a spot in the film in which a Michael Jackson lookalike is the butt of a pedophilia joke. I have observed the scene in question, and have found it to be absolutely hilarious. Officials say that Jackson may have a difficult time winning his suit, since sketches that are done with the intent of parody are hard to prosecute since it is intended to be a joke. When Michael Jackson heard this, the curled up into a fetal position inside a cardboard castle and demanded that a naked Verne Troyer throw peeled grapes at him while a 12-year-old boy urinates on his face.

On a completely unrelated note, when I ran this thing through spell check, it flagged “Sisqo,” and suggested I replace it with “Sissy.” HAHAHA!!!

Hotel heiress and involuntary porn star Paris Hilton is apparently trying to work out a record deal. Hilton has been recently working on recording a solo album, which has been described by insiders as “crap.” No wait, that’s what I was thinking.

Prodigy of the infamous Mobb Deep has been arrested, along with several members of his entourage … [and] was charged this past Saturday with marijuana possession, as well as third-degree criminal possession of a weapon. 50 Cent is expected to be released from prison… oh, wait a minute… did I say 50 Cent? Force of habit, I guess. In other news, 50 Cent looks like Clay Aiken.

This just in… A local zoo has reportedly sued Marilyn Manson after he injured a giant panda by throwing a bottle of Bacardi at it. Manson said, “I didn’t know that it was really a panda. I could’ve sworn that it was 50 Cent. That guy looks like a panda.”

Shit Bizkit has acquired Halle Barry for their new video… blah, blah, blah… read Ashish’s updates if you really care, as he seems to think that they’re the biggest news on the site every time something new comes up. “This just in! Fred Durst prefers cinnamon dental floss!” Bizkit’s new pile of shit will feature Fred Durst’s Big Dumb Face on the cover, which should do absolutely nothing to get you to buy the thing if you didn’t already plan on it. Durst’s expression resembles the face that he will hopefully be making after realizing that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s CD sold three times as many copies during its opening week as his band’s did. Please don’t let me down, faithful readers! Buy Triumph’s CD so we can see Fred Durst suffer! Buy two! Three! As many as you can afford!

Hey, Puff Diddy, you whiny crybaby, ad hoc VH1 award-demanding bitch, you could learn a lesson from Bette Midler. In a related story, Dana Suzanne, you are the wind beneath my wings.

Dana Suzanne, be my valentine. Baby, you’re the kind of girl that a fella takes to Red Lobster.

Country singer Jo Dee Messina has cancelled her engagement with road manager Don Mizquiz. She said that it is because no one makes her feel the way that Jonathan Widro does. This is now two women that Widro has cock-blocked me from. Heads are gonna roll Widro; seriously, f*ck you.

The management of St. Louis’ President Casino is catching heat from the Missouri Gaming Commission after allegedly bending a few of the rules and giving special treatment to Cornell Haynes Jr., who creates shitty music under the name of Nelly. The casino is being accused of violating several state laws in accommodating to Nelly and his entourage during a private party late last year. The rapper’s party was not issued mandatory gambling cards, and was not limited to the legal maximum amount per bet. They were also able to purchase more than $500 worth of chips every two hours, which is a blatant violation of state rules. Nelly will not be charged, as he did nothing illegal, and the casino was at fault for allowing his party to gamble large amounts of money. When asked about this, Puff Diddy demanded that our Saturday Swindle Sheet correspondent present him with an ad hoc award for World’s Best Guy Ever Born, and then forced the reporter to watch as he poured a bottle of Cristal over his head.

Pharrell Williams, who has been accused of single-handedly stealing all of Nate Dogg’s work, is going to be releasing his very own clothing line, which will feature ironic trucker hats and ironic vintage t-shirts. Jesus must be spinning in his grave. Sorry, Mitch.

Prosecutors have dropped seven of the charges that they had against R. Kelly. He was heard giving a sigh of relief, before realizing that he had another 14 charges to answer to, and instead groaned in disdain and urinated on the nearest infant.

The BBC broadcast John Cage’s “4’33,” a silent classical piece yesterday on its Radio 3 station. The piece was performed at London’s Barbican Centre, which was the very first time that the esoteric American composer’s piece was performed in Britain. The piece, which really is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence, was first performed in 1952, when it caused several of the audience members to walk out. The performance includes a conductor making motions and the orchestra turning pages and acting as if they were playing instruments. Think that’s ridiculous? In 2002, a British rock band called The Planets was sued by Cage’s record label for plagiarism after the group’s CD had a minute of silence on it. The band actually ended up paying a six-figure sum to the John Cage Trust Fund. In other news, Widro has been sued by John Cage’s record label after sleeping silently for 4 hours and 33 minutes the other night. Widro, you really should have known better.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Stereolab, “Parsec”
Martha Reeves & the Vandellas, “Dancing in the Street”
BT, “Embracing the Future” (Embracing the Sunshine Mx)
Roni Size/Reprazent, “Mexican”
White Lion, “Radar Love”
Depeche Mode, “Enjoy the Silence”
Misfits, “Some Kinda Hate”
The Turtles, “So Happy Together”
Spacetime Continuum, “The Ring”
Deltron 3030, “Madness”
DC La Rue, “Cathedrals”
Nirvana, “In Bloom”
The Mission UK, “Wasteland”
The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Shithead, “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down”
Ibrahim Ferrer, “Bruca Maniguá”
New Order, “Temptation”
Oasis, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”
Supergrass, “Alright”
Depeche Mode, “Policy of Truth”
Katrina and the Waves, “Walking on Sunshine”
The Go-Go’s, “Our Lips Are Sealed”
The Chemical Brothers, “Out of Control” [f/Bernard Sumner]
Tones On Tail, “Twist”
The Smithereens, “A Girl Like You”
Seven Mary Three, “Cumbersome”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

The Parents Television Council is bitching and moaning about a Live 8 performance by The Who, in which ABC failed to censor one swear word in their live rendition of “Who Are You” on July 2. While the group filed a formal complaint with the Federal Communications Commission against ABC’s Washington, D.C., affiliate, WJLA, it also asked for all of ABC’s East Coast stations that failed to edit out the word to be disciplined accordingly. “The program was aired on a tape delay, which should have given ABC ample time to edit all obscenities from the concert prior to broadcast,” sniveled the PTC’s executive director, Tim Winter. ABC responded with a statement, saying, “Unfortunately, one inappropriate phrase sung by one performer was initially missed and made it into the East Coast network feed … It was subsequently edited out of the West Coast feed.” In an unrelated story, an unnamed source here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet has managed to acquire footage of Tim Winter masturbating and singing the eighth track off of Korn’s Life Is Peachy. The footage will air randomly in the middle of Nickelodeon’s broadcast of Dora the Explorer sometime between now and Oct. 12.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Cheers
-JF2k5!

What can I say about the Swindle Sheet? It has been one of the longest enduring, most consistently entertaining reads in the history of 411/Inside Pulse Music. He has been one of the cornerstones of Inside Pulse music since the beginning. He was even kind to me when I sent in an almost-finished-but-with-some-unfinished-sentences mixes for his long running Jukebox feature.
Kudos to Jeff for keep this going for over 2 years and 100 great columns.

Widro

Even though the guy has a propensity for jobbing me out in Battle Royales, Jeff is one of the cooler bastards on Inside Pulse. His Swindle Sheet is a must-read on the weekends, basically because it’s the only content that hits on the weekend. While I can’t testify to how much I would read the guy if his column came out on, say, Wednesday, his weekend presence guarantees my presence. Here’s hoping for another hundred Swindle Sheets (Saturdays or Sundays)!
Michaelangelo McCullar (DVD and IWC GOD)

Remember that time Evocator had that love affair with Fernananananandez? OH good times.
Fingers

It was an honour to write for the same section as Fernandez. One of the hardest things about putting aside “Music to Help You Score with Smart People” was knowing that I would no longer see my name mentioned in The Swindle Sheet’s hilarious pimping section. Here’s to the next 100!
Gordi Whitelaw

I think there needs to be a site wide battle royal for this.
Kurtis Osterlund

I would have a lot of fabulous things to say but I can’t remember them right this moment; maybe something sparkly will jog my memory.
Gloomchen

The Swindle Sheet is an InsidePulse institution. Much like his fellow Chicagotoan, R. Kelly, Jeff is a visionary. His use of reoccurring themes, a large cast of characters, and creative photo captions guarantee that The Saturday Swindle Sheet will be a part of future Norton Anthologies.
Long Live the Swindle Sheet!

Mathan Erhardt

How very odd that Jeff and I write on two of the worst site traffic days of the week, yet have managed to last longer than Manimal, My So Called Life and Steve “Mongo” McMichael. I guess it goes to show that Chicago has actually given the world some goodness of its own. Up until now, it had been primarily known as the setting for Punky Brewster and an extended lay-over for Toni Kukoc. But, there’s a new name to add to these pillars of persistence and pop culture. His name is Jeff. Jeff Hernandez. (See, it’s funny, cuz his last name’s actually… ah, forget it.)
That_Bootleg_Guy