The Crucifix

You knew that my string of columns on time would crash and burn quick. Now, I didn’t think it would only be two weeks, but such is life. Now, a bunch of stuff happened last week and nobody got fired, so away we go! On with the show…


Raw

Sadly, Muhammed Hassan was no longer on Raw when they had the show on 7/11. Oh I kill me!

– Carlito’s Cabana with Shawn Michaels turns into The Highlight Reel, which turns into Roddy Piper announcing that he will have Shawn Michaels in Piper’s Pit later. This actually showed the problem that they gave themselves with the draft: Too many talk shows on Raw. By the way, if it says wrestling on the marquee, why do we have talk shows? Oh, WWE…
– Chris Masters def. Tajiri. Folks, Tajiri is not on Smackdown, where he should be. Masters is not a bouncer at Rory Dolan’s, like he should be. (Any NYer should know Rory’s, and a select few non NYers as well.)
– Edge and Lita watch their wedding video, including their favorite part, when they made fun of Matt Hardy. Snitsky comes in and has an obsession with feet. Particularly baby feet, which he can rip off and eat. Ok, last part was mine. But GOD they fired Charlie Haas and kept Gene Fucking Snitsky, who is sucking corporate money 6 months after his usefulness for this angle died? Boy oh boy.
– Proving that I am the demigod, they show video of Triple H after the Hell In A Cell match. TOLD YOU HE WOULD MAKE TV! Triple H Triple H Triple H! Another night of hell for you!
– Shelton Benjamin def. Carlito via count out. I like the way they are building this feud in a reverse fashion, with Carlito slowly becoming the bitch heel. Plus, this is the first real feud Shelton has had since, like the beginning of his career.
– Cena comes out and says he is having a bad day. Not a bad, bad day, which could be construed as him being a bad bad man. Bischoff comes out after Cena challenges Jericho. Bischoff does his “I’m the boss” shit and Jericho comes out. Match is set for Summerslam and Bischoff gets the F-U. Cena wasn’t lying; he was having a bad day, as his promo sucked.
– Diva Search…die.
– Angle Invitational, as he is out to face Matt Striker, who was the NYC teacher who got fired because he used sick days, instead of personal days, to go to Japan and wrestle. Raven, our fearless Raw recapper, knocks JR for defending the guy, saying he is a liar. Actually, the guy is only guilty of not knowing the difference between sick and personal days. Honestly, there is no damn difference. Either way you aren’t coming to work. Additionally, NYC schoolteachers get paid less than indy wrestlers, so he’s better off. He almost beats Angle, but Kurt makes him tap out with 1 second left.
– Edge and Lita are walking backstage when some idiot jumps Edge. They should really get a hold on those fans and not let them backstage.
– Kane def. Edge via DQ. Kane runs Snitsky off and Matt Hardy jumps Edge to a huge pop. He then shouts out ROH and Johnny Ace before being handcuffed. The security guys should be fired for letting him get over the rail, and if that was him in the back they are doubly on the hook. Obviously the guy has been fired, red flags should spring up right when he enters the building. This is a bad example to fans everywhere, who know that they may be able to get over the rail. Now, many people on the net have been saying it’s obvious it was a work, since they took him up them ramp. PLEASE! They had to bring him back to Bischoff to get his authorization on what to do. Hopefully he called the proper authorities, as I’m sure Vince McMahon would like him to. Well, since he hasn’t signed with WWE, I won’t write about him, like I said. Indies for him…little bitch.
– Piper’s Pit with Shawn Michaels. HBK challenges Hogan, Piper gets snippy and Shawn super kicks him to shut him up. Then the lights, much like last week, go out, HBK’s arms go out, stigmata takes him over and he ascends to the rafters. Sting, sitting at home, goes “Motherf*cker that was cool! Why couldn’t do that!?”

Overall: Not a bad show, but seeing such a blatant lack of security was sad to me. Hearing all this crap on the net about this being a work was very frustrating, since it obviously wasn’t. Hopefully contingency plans are in place should that loser spend more of his money on a ticket any time soon.


Smackdown…man…f*** Smackdown! Honestly, I had to go to a fire department drill on Thursday and forgot to set the VCR. Additionally, I don’t give a shit. Spoilers told me all I needed to know. It sounded nice; I’m just waiting for Brock. And The Boogeyman, although I hope they both come to Raw.


TNA

Yeah, they had a PPV last night, which I could give a f*ck about because I just don’t really care about TNA at the present time. Pk did a sucky report of it, dropping his new Sgt. Slaughter figure to do so. It takes a real man to drop the Sarge.

Last night on TNA, the bizarre opening video featured some audio that seemed to be played backwards…and it was.

When the video is played backwards, it is revealed that the announcer said…

“Rhino is here.
More are coming are to TNA.
TNA is coming to Spike TV.
Someone will get gored tonight.
Vince fears Jeff Jarrett.”

Either TNA has finalized their agreement with Spike TV or whomever at TNA thought this would be a cute inside joke simply underestimated the same internet fans they depend on to keep them in business while they have no TV show.

This either means the deal is done, TNA got bored, or Joey Styles has way too much time on his hands. But I hope the deal goes through, because I could use an alternative to check out. It would also help the business for like 3 or 4 years before Vince buys it.


The Man On The Right Makes A Ton Of Money

Yea, Johnny Ace make, from Flea’s column, the following:

$350,000 base salary, which will be paid bi-weekly, in the amount of $13,461.54.  You will be eligible for a salary increase, based upon your performance evaluation, in calendar year 2005.  Our current review date is June 1 st .
$500,000 less applicable deductions payable on the first pay date following 30 days of employment. If you voluntarily terminate employment with WWE or are terminated by WWE for cause within one year of your date of hire, you must reimburse WWE 100% of your sign-on bonus.  Reimbursement is due within 10 days following last day of employment.
Three (3) weeks vacation and three (3) personal days.
Temporary housing in a 2 bedroom, fully furnished apartment for up to (1) one year
Up to Two (2) house hunting trips for you and your family from Tampa, Fl.
WWE will reimburse you for expenses on the purchase of your new home including moving expenses and legal and administrative fees.  Excludable items are sales commission and loan points.  Where applicable any amounts paid to you will be grossed up to offset the impact of taxes.  All expenditures will need to be properly documented in keeping with IRS regulations.

In other words, he makes a shit load and doesn’t do his job too well. Guess what folks: That is every boss ever! Everyone who has been bitching about this is just jealous. Does Johnny Ace have absolutely no talent judgment at all? Yes. Did they start firing injured workers, ala WCW, when he stepped in? You betcha. Will Jim Ross ever come back to that job? Chances are slim, but you never know. For now, don’t bitch about that, bitch that Hogan will make half of Ace’s salary for his Summerslam match alone.


– Eddie Guerrero has taken over Rey Mysterio’s website. Well, we knew they were going to use the internet more, but I don’t think any of us were thinking about something like this. It’s a good thing that this is a continuation of an angle, rather than an angle itself, ala Edge vs. Booker T for a hair commercial.

– Muhammed Hassan’s response to the negative press from last week was the single best promo he has cut since coming into WWE, and it unfortunately didn’t make the air. I’m glad WWE.com put it up though; the guy is a face in my book now.

– Roland Alexander, per the courts, has to pay 1.34 million dollars to the parents of Brian Ong via a wrongful death lawsuit. Good, Alexander, in Beyond The Mat, comes off ass a sleazy motherf*cker who shouldn’t be anywhere near a ring. His training looks as though it consists of eating an entire cow, and he takes those kids when they come through the door. The guy is a piece of shit, and I hope he goes bankrupt from this.

– The Great Sasuke got in some hot water for allegedly using taxpayer money to go wrestle. Him and Striker should team up as “The Launderers”


Fun With Animation

Inside the InsidePulse.com offices, it was a complete . Widro, our captain, had fallen down the stairs and . Matthew Michael, crying, wound up a wall. As we all worried about Widro, Michelangelo McCullar, fresh from Arby’s, entered the room. His weight, coupled with the rest of us fat bastards, made us all go . As we fell to the flight below, we were greeted by a bevy of beautiful women. None of us seemed to care about Widro at that point. One girl, thirsty, broke out some vegetables and went to make a drink at her . All of a sudden, after our spectacular drinks, all of us started fighting. A band came in with their instruments, to give some motivation for us. They played . Eric S., knowing of Dustin’s affinity for Jeff Hardy, sent him ! A maplewood one at that! Back and forth everyone went. There was a little , some , crazy amounts of , and even some !After everyone finished fighting, Dustin stood up and told all the women that they sucked, and would never be able to do a Swanton like Jeff. Conveniently, one of the women was a brute. She took Dustin and . In the end, Widro did die, allowing Hyatte and Flea to take over InsidePulse. They made this site nuts, leading to an invasion by Kermit, and a lot of .

This has been fun with animation, be afraid…very afraid.


I’m done, until Thursday…ADIOS!