Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 07.19.05

In Memoriam: Edward Heath. The last of the “fun” politicians. Never took himself too seriously, always wanted to be called Ted, turned down a life peerage (although he accepted the Garter). Helluva lot better than what the Tories, and Britain, got afterward.

Well, obviously I concentrated on golf the entire weekend. But, afterward, I needed something to put the Open Championship and its incredibly-obvious Champion Golfer Of The Year in perspective. So I sat down and watched Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. Somehow, one of the late Russ Meyer’s tits-and-violence-fests seemed appropriate. Been a while since I’d seen it, and I forgot how enjoyable it is. I had Ilsa, The Wicked Warden on tap, but I felt that it wasn’t majestic enough for the occasion. Actually, I was waiting on a large download of rather rare cartoons, only one of which I truly wanted, the Dudley Do-Right cartoon “Stokey the Bear”. It’s never seen today because after its first broadcast, the US Forest Service threatened to sue Jay Ward for the cartoon’s detourning of Smokey the Bear. So the cartoon was pulled from circulation. It’s very, very difficult to find, even in the Internet Age, so I’m glad I was able to download a copy.

Speaking of downloading, No Surrender hasn’t been put up anywhere in a video format that I want, so I don’t have any comments about it. In fact, I won’t even bother downloading it. It was a complete waste, according to the recaps.

You’ll notice no commentary for the Open Championship. That’s because I did a bit of a blog-type thing that I sent over to Fleabag, so you should see it up at his site ASAP.

Well, I had to kill time somehow. I mean, you can’t expect me to limit my viewing to wrestling, can you? If it hasn’t become obvious to you over the past five and a half years, I’m rather diverse in my tastes. Fortunately for all of you, I have taste, which is more than I can say for “major players” at other websites. That goes for intelligence as well. For instance, there’s a certain major site out there that employs a Velocity recapper who admitted in this week’s recap that he couldn’t properly recap some of the show because his “daddy forgot to start the VCR on time”. No shit. Stand up and be counted, Matt Zylbert at 1bullshit Junior.

Oh, enough baiting other sites. I must get on to this, for some unknown reason…

THE PIMP SECTION

Lucard exposes his Inner Thetan.

Hevia shows us LUV for animated .gifs. For the folks on dial-up: sucks to be you.

West has some good comments on Raw. And I liked his teaser so much that I decided not to comment on the same thing (in actuality, I pulled such comments out of the Short Form, because I noted them at the time; however, I don’t compete with the people on this site).

Basilo pimps wine and TV shows I’ve never watched.

Zarur is extraordinarily happy that Heat is actually broadcasting matches again.

Hollyric does the Impact report on this site without screen caps. But that isn’t saying that I’m better than him. No, no, no.

Price has his material ready for the left-turn crowd.

Paul decides not to aim for my demographic.

WELL, THERE’S JACK SHIT AGAIN THIS WEEK…

So I guess I’ll just mention this: I’m f*cking sick of Matt Hardy this, Matt Hardy that. Personally, I got sick of Matt Hardy a long time ago, back when he was teamed up with his even-more-repulsive brother. And now that the IWC receives less real news than a Soviet citizen did from Pravda, everyone has to jump on this story and dissect it to death because it’s “interesting” or because “they used the Net”.

Big f*cking deal.

Folks, it’s still Matt Hardy we’re talking about. Can’t cut a promo to save his life thanks to his mush-mouth accent, only interesting in the ring when he’s trying to kill himself. That Matt Hardy. The one we didn’t give two shits about when he got cut. But, oh, he became much more intriguing after that because he kept whining about how his girlfriend f*cked another guy behind his back. Again, who cares? If you’re more interested in Matt Hardy’s sex life than in your own, you’ve got problems, buddy.

So he keeps an ongoing blog at his shitty web site detailing his misery because he doesn’t have a regular piece of ass anymore and demands that people shout “You f*cked Matt” at Edge and/or Lita. And since some people have absolutely no functional brain cells, they do, and the beast starts to feed. Just like when one or two retards started shouting “What?” at Wife-Beater during the pauses in his promos, and now every wrestler is fair game for it. Wrestling fans are pathetic, period.

I won’t even mention the fact that the retards in the IWC were worked to the point where speculation over whether or not he’d show up at No Surrender was the dominant wrestling news of the weekend. Boy, he has all of you suckered, doesn’t he?

And now every little wet fart of his is news. Fucking Fingers posted a news item about his web site still possibly being down. This is a news item? This is something that we at IP should cover because it’s supposedly news? No, sorry, wrong. We should not be catering to this piece of shit, okay? He’s had enough attention. Now let’s cut him off.

No more mentions from me at all, including when he actually gets involved in a match on Raw. Fuck him, and f*ck you for buying into all of this.

Screw it, I’ve had enough. Let’s just knock out the Short Form and be done with it…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Shelton Benjamin over Carly Colon, Yet Another Fucking Intercontinental Title Match Between Them, Only This Time Count-outs Count (DQ, Greco-Roman Nut Shot): So now we progress to a DQs Count Match, don’t we? Dear f*cking Christ, either swap the title or end this thing, please.

Kurt Angle over Matt Whatever, Kurt Angle Invitational Repeat (Submission, AngleLock): Well, this proves they haven’t made up their mind about Striker yet. If they had, I’m certain that “creative” might have thought about having Striker survive the three minutes, get the gold medal, and have Kurt challenge him at SummerSlam in a Winner-Take-All Match. Well, at least that’s the way I would have done it. God knows they can’t figure out anything for Angle to do right now.

Chris Masters over Novocaine Helms’ Pet Fat Fuck, MasterLock Challenge: I have no pity whatsoever for Rosey. I mean, he got into this moronic, way-past-its-shelf-life angle with Novocaine Helms of his own free will. However, having to sell for Chris Masters…I don’t wish that on anyone. Maybe except for someone whose last name is “Hardy”, but that’s about it. And now TBS has shown up to extend Masters’ little game. Regrettably, this qualifies as an elevation for Masters, something that we, the audience, definitely did not need. Maybe if they book TBS to beat the shit out of Gym Bunny at SummerSlam, I might forgive them for this. But anything less than a squash…I mean, if Masters gets ONE offensive move in…and I’ll be pissed.

Edge over Kane, Steel Cage Match (Escape): So, is this the blow-off to this part of the angle? If so, it went out on a high note. Well-booked match with two guys who know how to do the chaotic stuff when they need to. Not excellent by any means, but satisfying…

…oops, I guess I spoke too soon. Stretcher Match next week between these guys, i.e. another excuse for the Person Whom I Will Not Talk About to get involved. Bullshit.

John Cena over Gene Snitsky, Lumberjackass Match (Pinfall, F-U): An angle advancement lumberjack match featuring two non-wrestlers. And that’s your main event, folks. Yee-f*ckin’-hah.

Angle Developments:

A Mildly Different Approach: I have to give them credit, at the very least. We all know that Cena/Jericho at SummerSlam will suck; any match featuring Cena will suck, regardless of how much Jericho can carry him. However, they’re at least listening to me telling them that their efforts to push this misbegotten title match have to reach a high profile in order to give this match any kind of significance. I do like the idea of the Battle of the Bands, for some reason, despite the fact that I don’t like Fozzy and haven’t bought a hip-hop disc since Straight Outta Compton. It’s different and fits in perfectly with the “issue” between the two. Now as to how they’re going to handle the execution of this…okay, it’s “creative” and it has no hope, but we can always be optimistic. Well, you can.

Identity Crisis: Yet more proof of how Shawn Michaels may be the greatest promo man of all time (yes, including Flair). I hope you listened carefully to his promo with Hogan; if you didn’t and have Raw on tape, go back and listen to it. This wasn’t a typical Michaels promo. He adjusted his delivery, his emphasis, and his general style to mimic that of Hogan. Michaels was as stilted and overblown as Hogan usually is, including slipping into addressing his opponent by his full name as a matter of course. Doing a promo in that style actually makes you think about Michaels’ unspoken goals concerning this match. Does he really want to become Hogan, or at the very least be placed on the same level of pedestal? Does jealousy figure into this match as much as egotism? Michaels provided a terrific, unspoken subtext that makes me a little more interested in this match. Of course, Hogan won’t lay down for him, but Michaels is going to go balls-to-the-wall to make us think that victory is possible.

Oh, that’s it. I really am not motivated to write anything more after a pathetic episode of Raw. And I still have to deal with a pathetic episode of Smackdown, a pathetic episode of Impact, and the Round Table for a pathetic PPV this week on top of that. That’s, well, pathetic. So let me just pray that I get some news for tomorrow, because otherwise this week’s going to be a waste.