Stuff I Think and Shouldn't Say: 21 Columns and Counting!

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Brooklyn Industries The MOST Kick-ass Clothing EVER!

Gorillamask.net: A Site That Gives Me More Stuff to Talk About!

And…

Mathan Erhardt’s More Reasons Why Being Deaf Sucks/Rocks

And Now, Words of Wisdom

There are a lot of things in this world that piss me the f*ck off:

Litter bugs. Racists. Rude people, in general. Liars.

Basically, that list consists of anyone who could be, or is, a total douchebag. Now, I have a new category that I would like to add to my list:

Shitty tippers.

For those of you NOT in the know, I wait tables in Chelsea to make ends meet. I live for gratuity, and to be honest, I have proven myself to be a pretty damn good waiter. I am also a lot funnier in person than most people think is possible, and having a good sense of humor not only helps to deal with the monotony of serving breadsticks and salad to 4 tables of children and their over-worked parents, but also the assholes who “make it their job” to ruin your f*cking night, make you run like a lunatic for refills and such, and generally try to f*ck up your mood.

“Sir, would you care for more breadsticks?”

“No, but if you think you are getting more than an 8 dollar tip on this $200 bill, you are mistaken!”

Anyhow, this past week I experienced a new level of asshole-dom (a word I am not only coining, but copyrighting as we speak!) This table from hell consisted of 4 women, one mother-type, and three 20-somethings with more attitude than should be allowed. These chicks would change their mind about entrees after they were sent, forcing me to sprint back to the kitchen and let the cooks know not to prepare the food. One girl vacillated so much on her decision to have either soup OR salad so much that by the time she HAD made up her mind, I was in dire need of the stiffest, most alcohol injected drink ever.

Not only did these bitches go out of their way to ruin my day, they f*cked me over. Hard.

Really hard.

After dealing with their shit for the most horrible 45 minutes of my life, they had the audacity to complain to a manager. Luckily for me, the boss-in-charge rules, and handily the women with a tact and poise that I am incapable of possessing.

They bitched about how long the food took, regardless of the fact that they had to wait 20 minutes for their table, there were 3 parties in the restaurant of 20 or more people and they KNEW this, and I STILL got their food out in under 20 minutes.

They made me look incompetent by continuing to order waters, but never letting me take the old glasses away, even when I asked if I could, because they:

1) Hadn’t taken a sip of them.

2) Are total dicks.

So, in all, there were 8(!) glasses of water on the table…completely full glasses, but they told my boss that I had “refused to remove them in a prompt manner.”

That line is STRAIGHT out of our employee handbook.

It turns out that the oldest woman works for Red Lobster, a sister company of the restaurant where I work, and she was that big of a jerk. Even after all of this, I still wouldn’t be rude to her, despite her REFUSAL to tip me at all.

She offered TWO DOLLARS on a $100 check.

TWO FUCKIN’ DOLLARS!

That wouldn’t be enough to get me home, seeing that I still have to tip out my bussers and the bar with that money.

Basically, I made a dollar on that table, and coupled with the fact that another table that I had at the same time didn’t realize that the auto-gratuity wasn’t included in the bill, I made a whopping total of:

NOTHING.

For one whole hour of my life.

So, assholes who tip shitty, get your heads out of your asses. I don’t care if you are a CEO of a mega-corporation or a starving artist…take care of your waiters and waitresses. Shit, on a small check ($20 or less) DOUBLE THE TAX.

We have bills to pay too, and if you don’t have the money to give a gratuity, don’t sit in a restaurant. Go pick up Chinese. Don’t you DARE have it delivered, you cheap shits.

Tipping is CUSTOMARY in OUR society. I don’t care what your argument is, if you haven’t served food in ANY city, you don’t get it. If you ever waited tables in NYC, you get it. Otherwise, just take my advice on this one. We aren’t asking for 100% on any bill, ever. We want fair wage, which YOU, the customer, provide.

We aren’t France or Japan, where gratuity is a LUXURY, this is the good ol’ USA, home to warm apple pie, baseball, snuff porn, and Girls Gone Wild.

If you can spring $50 every week for a new video game or Jenna Jameson DVD, you can afford to leave at LEAST 10-15% on your table.

Is that too much to ask?

Ssquared’s Album of Da Week!

Jeff Buckley Grace

Anyone who makes a concerted effort to check out SITASS every week knows how big of a Jeff Buckley fan I am.

Anyone who owns this album understands just how brilliant an artist this man was, and what an influence he has had on an entire generation of singer-songwriters.

This is one of those rare albums that are forever preserved as perfect; they are a glimpse at an artist truly baring his or her soul, allowing the world to see all the bumps and bruises, the cuts and scars that love can leave. Jeff Buckley’s story is one of personal triumph and tragedy.

I could tell you story upon story that I have read about the man, but it still wouldn’t do him justice. His legend was built in the coffeehouses of Manhattan, filled with fans and A&R reps, to his premature drowning death while working on his sophomore effort.

This isn’t a story marred by addiction or drug abuse, self-mutilation or hatred. Anyone who ever met Jeff spoke as highly of him when he was alive as they did after his passing. He was a great soul; the type of deeply sincere and motivated young man that gave his all for the things and people he loved.

If you don’t own this album, you are truly missing out. It’s a true classic and deservedly so. The man had the vocal range to cover Led Zeppelin, Edith Piaf, and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan alone…with just a guitar and an amplifier. He was that good.

Please, please, please…buy this album.

SITASS NEWS: She’s the Tear that Hangs Inside My Soul Forever…

Remember kids: Ssquared takes ONE week off…and there’s still no end to this oppressive heat and humidity.

You’d think that after 100 some-odd years of the subways being active in NYC, that they would find a way to get air conditioning in the tunnels as well, and not just SOME of the trains.

Just a thought….

THE ROLLING STONES READY FIRST ALBUM IN EIGHT YEARS

THE ROLLING STONES are finalising plans for their studio album in eight years.

Expected to be released on September 5, it’s believed the band have recorded 18 tracks from which the final album will be selected.

The album was recorded in France during late 2004 and spring 2005 with producer Don Was. Mixing took place in Los Angeles earlier this summer.

Among the tracks being considered for the album is ‘Neo-Con’, which is believed to be an attack on the politics of George Bush and the Republican administration.

Meanwhile other songs that may feature on the record include: ‘Oh No, Not You Again’, ‘Back Of My Hand’, ‘She Saw Me Coming’, ‘Under The Radar’, ‘Look What The Cat Dragged In’, ‘This House Is Empty Without You’, ‘Walking Alone In The Rain’ and ‘You Drive Too Fast’.

The album, is the band’s first studio since 1997’s Bridges To Babylon, while ‘Oh No, Not You Again’ which the band performed live in May when they announced their forthcoming world tour in New York, is rumoured to be the first single.

As previously reported, the Rolling Stones kick off their world tour on August 21 in Boston, Massachusetts.

(credit: NME.com)

Sweet Jesus, I guess the world really is doomed. That guy in Times Square, with the “The End is Near” sandwich sign is right. The apocalypse is coming, kids. Gather all your furry pets and all the water and SPAM you can find at the nearest Wal-Mart, and head to the basement.

And, to think, the minute I saw that piece, the first thing that popped into my head was this:

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

Well, people of the world, I DON’T feel fine. I am not okay with this, but if you love the Stones, I am sure you are elated that the Geriatic Bunch are headed to your town, or a city within driving distance.

I don’t care if you go. I am just kidding most of the time, and I could only HOPE to have a career as long and prestigious as the Rolling Stones.

Just remember to tip your waitstaff an appropriate amount and buy Jeff Buckley’s Grace.

Then, you and I will be cool.

Say Hi To Your Mom

It’s rare that a song title from a band can encapsulate their entire appeal. Brooklyn-based Eric Elbogen (aka Say Hi To Your Mom) has managed to do just that on “As Smart as Geek is Chic Right Now,” the final song of his most recent album, Ferocious Mopes. With verbose, clever lyrics, Elbogen croons in a borderline emo voice that falls somewhere between the irony of Stephen Malkmus and the earnestness of Conor Oberst.

On his third full-length as alter ego Say Hi To Your Mom, Elbogen conquers neo-new wave territory with some inventive computer play and synthesizer work, and captures something almost Bowie or Eno-esque with eerie, fantastical motifs. Particularly on “Yeah, I’m In Love With An Android,” where Elbogen sings in a completely conversational tone about his love affair with a robot friend, does Elbogen recall the futuristic feeling of Ziggy Stardust-era Bowie: “Her kisses are metallic and her touch is firm but cold… I swore I’m done with humans, and I like to keep my word.”

Against the backdrop of simple strumming acoustic guitar on “Yeah, I’m in Love With An Android,” there is also something of that intellectual battle with impending modernity and the feeling of alienation from real humanity explored by Grandaddy and Radiohead. Ferocious Mopes is in stores now.

(credit: Jessice Grose; Spin.com)

Of course this guy feels alienated from society. He lives in Brooklyn, which means he has to take the L, and that train is NEVER running.

Shit, ATP lives in Williamsburgh, just a hop-skip-and-jump from Manhattan, and that poor son of a bitch never has a way to work, and often leaves home HOURS before his scheduled shift.

Anyway, no, I have never heard this band, but I love the band’s name: Say Hi To Your Mom. That’s priceless

Seeing that tomorrow is my mother’s 36 birthday (for the 15th year in a row!) I figured it would be a funny way to say hi to MY mom.

That way, I don’t have to call again!

Too much fun here in the city. Just too much fun!

Anyone, give this guy a listen and let me know what you think. Here’s his site. Enjoy!

The QUICKY-FAST News!

brought to you by Strattera

ALICIA KEYS’ guest-filled Unplugged performance will air on MTV on September 9th. MAROON 5’s ADAM LEVINE joins the R&B star on a cover of the ROLLING STONES’ “Wild Horses,” DAMIAN MARLEY duets with Keys on his song “Welcome to Jam Rock,” and MOS DEF and COMMON show up for “Love It or Leave It Alone.”

BLOC PARTY will kick off a new North American tour September 8th in Boston and wrap it September 26th in Atlanta.

PIXIES guitarist JOEY SANTIAGO wrote the score for the new Showtime comedy series, Weeds, starring MARY-LOUISE PARKER and Kevin Nealon, premiering August 10th.

SIGUR ROS will release their new album, Takk — which means “Thanks” in Icelandic — on September 13th.

(credit: RollingStone.com)

In “The Most AWESOME Thing I Have Heard This Week” News

It’s official…EVEN GOOGLE THINKS PARIS HILTON IS A WHORE!

Just thought you should know.

If You Want My Body…

Links, links, and plugs to boot!

Kyle David Paul is a must read, week-in and week-out. He may think I am an asshole, but so does my mother. It stopped hurting right after the last “Christmas I ruined!”

Gloomchen destroys innocent lawn gnomes and messes with grocery store clerks. Good times.

Tom D’Errico is up to his ears in metal news. Nothing gets past this guy…nothing.

As for Jeff Fernandez replayed the battle royal from last year, in which I went nuts with a croquet mallet. Gotta love it.

Hey Michaelangelo McCullar? Don’t read his column if you DON’T want the latest Harry Potter book spoiled for you! That’s all I have to say.

Last, but NEVER least, my buddy, Aaron Cameron thinks that I am starting trouble with my co-workers. Not true. Just like high school, I only hate the fake ones.

Oh, and next week, look out for many reviews by me, as Widro, Fingers, Wids’ buddy Travis, and my boy Salty all gave me shit for the limited number of reviews that I have done since I started my column, as compared to the amount of shwag Wids’ has given me.

Jeez, you drive a guy to Connecticut for some Matt Hardy love, and all he does is complain.

If someone you know and love tells you that my column sucks, remember, “f*ck ’em if they can’t take a joke!”

Keep it real!

Ssquared