The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #101

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by ConsumerFreedom.com, which has delivered a big “f*ck you” not only to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which makes them great in my book, but also to government health nazis. If you want to see PETA’s tax exempt status revoked, sign the petition, and then eat a delicious meat sandwich with extra meat while wearing leather.

We’re just one column after #100, and next week I’ll be celebrating the 2-year anniversary of The Saturday Swindle Sheet. I will probably be doing nothing special and/or spectacular since I made such a big deal out of #100, but we’ll see. I do have a lot of Blu Cantrell pr0n…

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

So Spike TV picked up TNA’s Impact!, which will debut this upcoming fall. As it turns out, we here at the InsidePulse music section have also been planning to launch our own respective programs on Spike TV, which after seeing The Lance Krall Show and The John Henson Project, will play anything…

Shawn M. Smith stars in a sitcom called Double Your Tip, where he plays Sean M. Jones, a waiter who deals with the everyday trials and tribulations of working with the public. In one episode, some kid throws a plate of spaghetti at Sean and he responds by wiping his ass all over the parents’ dessert… IN FRONT OF THEM! Hey, fair is fair. Also, the entire series will be shot in a grainy filtered style with inverse lighting effects.

Mathan Erhardt stars in Craig David Goes Crazy! where he uses his resemblance to Craig David in order to play tricks on people. In the first episode, Mathan shows up at a junior high school in Carson City, Nevada, where he pretends like he’s going to perform for the student body, but instead sits down and eats a sub sandwich and then leaves the auditorium. However, since nobody really remembers Craig David anyway, it leads to more confusion than it does whimsy.

D’Estroyer is the host of Hunt’s Tomato Paste Presents The Tom D’Errico Metal Spotlight, in which he features any up-and-coming bands and albums to check out. In his first episode, his special guest is Jada Pinkett Smith, who comes onto the set shouting “Go Red Sox!” She and D’Estroyer then headbang for about twenty-five minutes before Widro comes out for absolutely no reason with all of the guys from Warrant, as Tom D’Errico falls over and convulses in glee. Impressionable young fans, thinking this is some sort of odd new dance, start doing it at every single metal show, calling it “The Tom D’Errico Warrant Convulsion Dance.”

Gloomchen hosts The Myspace Unsigned Band Challenge, where every week she eliminates one of the original 20 bands involved. However, every time she eliminates one, another 374 try to add her as a friend, and thus the show lasts forever and never ends. Your grandkids will love it.

Kyle David Paul is the star of the game show Win Kyle David Paul’s Money. While it might seem like a rip-off of the trivia game show Win Ben Stein’s Money, the object of the game is not to prove yourself smarter than Kyle David Paul, but instead, the contestants are forced to face off with Kyle David Paul in the CAGE OF DEATH, where only one person comes out alive. Fortunately, the series goes on for several weeks, as Kyle David Paul doesn’t die until episode 17, when he is beheaded by a flying chainsaw, and 42-year-old Diane Weslowski, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in awarded with Kyle David Paul’s total purse of $712. The new host of the show will then probably be Mike Eagle, if he ever decides to come back.

NEWS TO USE

The Detroit Free Press reported last Friday that rapper Eminem will be retiring from his successful career as a solo artist in order to focus on the production aspect of the business. According to the newspaper, Eminem “has become disenchanted with the trappings of celebrity and was committed to quitting while still on top.” It would seem that the rapper’s last album, Encore would be his final solo offering, although his manager would not confirm whether or not there is still some previously recorded material that has not yet been released. If this whole story is true, Eminem’s scheduled show on September 17 in Ireland will more than likely be his last, as he plans to produce tracks for 50 Cent, G-Unit, and Lil Jon, who no doubt needs the help. However, the good news in this whole story is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

This just in… According to MTV News, who spoke to Eminem himself, the preceding story was absolutely bullshit, and he will not be retiring. “When I say I’m taking a break, I’m taking a break from my music to go in the studio and produce my other artists and put their albums out. That’s called taking a break for me,” Eminem told reporters for MTV. “When I know my next move, I’ll tell everyone my next move. Not some reporter who writes a story about ‘This is Eminem’s last album.’ I never said [Encore] was my last album. I never said anything yet. I don’t know what I’m doing yet. Nothing is definite, you know what I’m sayin’? Nothing is written in stone. … I know that I’m not gonna be rapping forever, I know that much. … As long as I feel like I got the energy in me to do it, and the spirit, and I can do it, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna always make music, whether I’m just sittin’ behind the boards and producing and making beats and puttin’ my other artists out there, or if I do decide to do another tour or make another album. When I start doing that, people will know.” MTV later interviewed Eminem’s confidante 50 Cent, asking him what he thought about the rumors that Eminem might be retiring. “The day he retires is the day you will see me all over MTV,” 50 Cent said. “I’ll be at the Movie Awards. I’ll be doing news. You’ll get sick of me.” So, in that case, Eminem actually retired two years ago. You heard it here first.


Contrary of a report in The Detroit Free Press, Eminem (left) will not be retiring as a solo artist any time soon. After hearing this news, John Parnell (right) of Topeka, Kansas, made himself a sandwich and watched a rerun of Yes, Dear.

In other Eminem news, one of the rapper’s tour buses was involved in an accident on an expressway in Missouri. According to witnesses, the bus was travelling at a very high speed, when it swerved to avoid hitting a semi-truck, and instead smashed into two cars and two motorcycles. Eminem was not on the bus at the time, although several members of his entourage were, including his tour DJ, The Alchemist, who, along with a few others, was treated at a local hospital and released. This no doubt has something to do with Eminem’s plans to align himself with Lil Jon, as that f*cking shitstarter is already making terrible things happen.

A federal jury ruled against R&B singer Ashanti on Thursday, deciding that she owed $630,000 to her former producer, Genard Parker, who had sued her for breach of contract. Parker, who had worked with Ashanti when she was in her mid-teens, claimed that once the singer had signed with Murder Inc., he had released her from their contract on the condition that he would produce two tracks off of her debut album. However, according to the singer, she did not allow that to happen because Parker’s home studio was so ghetto that he had her singing in the bathroom. Parker was originally seeking $2.2 million, the money that he thought he would have made for producing the two tracks, while Ashanti’s attorney claimed that they were planning to appeal the $630,000 ruling. Parker told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that he wished the singer and her mother the best and had nothing bad to say about them, adding, “now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go remodel my bathroom… er, I mean… my home studio.”

Rapper/producer/deformed midget Jermaine Dupri recently told The Associated Press that he feels under-appreciated, despite his production on Mariah Carey’s successful comeback album, The Emancipation of Mimi, and Usher’s probably-multi-platinum 2004 album, Confessions. “The thing I’m going through is probably like the same thing that Little Richard and all these other artists go through, that I hear about them, saying, ‘Oh damn, you ain’t gonna give me nothing till I die,”‘ Dupri sniveled. “I feel like I’m one of those type of great people that just going to have to wait till it’s all over with for people to really sit around and talk about it.” This just in… Dupri’s wish has come true, as he died earlier today after cats ate his face. However, contrary to what he thought, people still don’t give a shit about him. ZING!

Recently convicted rapper Kimberly “Lil Kim” Jones filed a lawsuit against former Junior M.A.F.I.A. compatriot James “Lil Cease” Lloyd, claiming $6 million in damages over the release of an unauthorized DVD that uses her likeness without her permission. According to Lil Kim, Lil Cease is shilling The Chronicles of Junior M.A.F.I.A. Part II: Reloaded as containing interviews with himself and other members of the rap group discussing their involvement in the perjury trial against her. Lil Cease and Antoine “Banger” Spain had testified against Kim, and had been pivotal in convicting her.

Courtney Love was rushed to a Los Angeles-area hospital after falling ill at an entertainment gala at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel on Wednesday. One of the singer’s friends called for an ambulance, as a precaution, after she complained of feeling faint and went outside for air. She was immediately released from the hospital, and was back to drinking her trademark morphine martinis in no time.

John Densmore, the original drummer of The Doors, was able to win a court order on Friday to block the remaining members of the band from touring under the name of The Doors of the 21st Century. Densmore, along with the parents of the late Jim Morrison, have been struggling with guitarist Robby Krieger and keyboard player Ray Manzraek over the issue since 2003. The plaintiffs cited that after Morrison’s death in 1971, the remaining members of the band and members of Morrison’s estate made an agreement that any further use of the “Doors” name, would have to be approved by all the parties.

A British synth-pop compilation called Electric 80s has caused a hubbub with UK retailers due to its cover design, which consists of a large UPC barcode. Apparently, the barcode on the front of the three-disc box set differs from the set’s proper barcode, which appears on the back, as they normally do. At some stores, the box set, with a list price of £14.97, was ringing up as maxi-single priced at £9.97. At other stores it was being cross-referenced to the new Jack Johnson album, In Between Dreams, causing that album to show many more scans that it was actually getting. Tesco supermarkets and other retailers pulled the album, while HMV issued a statement, saying, “Someone would have to be pretty stupid not to recognize that [the barcode is part of the cover art]. … The proper barcodes are always done on the reverse of the CD,” he added. “All our staff are aware it’s the cover artwork, and if fellow retailers and supermarkets are doing that, it just highlights that they’re not really music specialists. We’ve not had any issues.” When a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet pointed out that the barcode for Filter’s Short Bus actually appears on the front of the album, the spokesperson for HMV pointed off into the distance and then ran away when the reporter looked.

Quick Bits

Christina Aguilera has been recently photographed sporting a cast and sling. According to The Associated Press, she accidentally cut two tendons in her arm two weeks ago while picking up a shard of glass after her dog knocked over a vase at her Los Angeles-area home.

Legendary Motown Records producer Norman Whitfield was sentenced to six months of house arrest this past week after being convicted of tax evasion, for neglecting to report over $4 million in songwriting royalties between 1995 and 1999.

A former violinist for the New York Philharmonic filed a lawsuit against the group, saying that he was fired because he is not a woman, and that other less-talented female violinists had been promoted over him because they had given the musical director gifts, and had boobs and vaginas.

Ani DiFranco announced this week that she would be talking a beak from live performance for a year as a result of worsening tendonitis in her wrists and hands, saying that continuing to play would put her at risk of “permanent nerve damage to her hands.” DiFranco was forced to cancel her August 30 performance in Boise, Idaho, as a result.

Spiritualized lead singer Jason Pierce is recovering at his home in Britain after having spent the past two weeks in intensive care at a local hospital for an “as-of-yet-unspecified illness.”

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

From Astralwerks…

Six Feet Under Soundtrack – Everything Ends
If you’re like us, you’ve been completely floored by the fifth and final season of
Six Feet Under, airing now on HBO. Recent episodes have been profound and riveting, and the same goes for the new soundtrack Everything Ends. The compilation features songs from many of the most memorable scenes from the show and includes a wide array of artists including Radiohead, Coldplay, Nina Simone and Death Cab For Cutie. Perhaps even more alluring are the brand-new tracks from The Arcade Fire, Interpol, Caesars and Jem. It’s the perfect musical compliment to a show whose cinematic grandeur has captivated the nation and it’s available everywhere now.

XTC – The Compact XTC: The Singles 1978-1985
If you’re into the catchy riffs of Franz Ferdinand, Hot Hot Heat, the Futureheads and Dogs Die In Hot Cars there’s no better post-punk crash course than XTC’s
The Compact XTC. Here all in one place are XTC’s groundbreaking singles tracks recorded during their seminal 1978-1985 period. Seasoned XTC fans will want this collection not just to have all their favorite tracks in one place but so as to finally obtain the elusive UK single “Wait Till Your Boat Goes Down” which is not available on any other CD.

The Very Best of The Human League
The Human League are synth-pop’s first international superstars, one of the best selling groups of the new wave era, and mentors of the electronic music scene. Their marriage of infectious melodies and synthesizer technology has never been matched and their sound continues to influence acts today.

The Human League’s best tracks are, simply put, as good as pop gets: “Don’t You Want Me,” “Mirror Man,” “Fascination” and the rest amount to classic examples of this groundbreaking band taking on the sales charts and radio airwaves on both sides of the Atlantic.

Never before have so many tracks been compiled to present the definitive history of the band from their early pre-album singles to their best loved album and singles-only tracks. This is also the first Human League best of to take advantage of the latest state-of-the-art digital remastering, making this new collection indispensable.

ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our Publicity Department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our Publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.

For more info email press@astralwerks.net.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Radiohead, “Creep”
Jefferson Airplane, “White Rabbit”
Alice in Chains, “Got Me Wrong” (Live)
Bronski Beat, “Run from Love” (Rmx)
Bad Brains, “I Love I Jah”
Mirwais, “Disco Science”
Soft Cell, “Sex Dwarf”
Kylie Minogue, “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”
Yesterdays New Quintet, “Julani”
D’Angelo, “Untitled (How Does It Feel)”
Toadies, “Possum Kingdom”
Sugar Hill Gang, “Rapper’s Delight”
Mott the Hoople, “All the Young Dudes”
The Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast, “The Time Warp”
Philip Bailey, “Easy Lover” [f/Phil Collins]
The Motels, “Suddenly Last Summer”
New Order, “1963”
Depeche Mode, “Photographic”
Next, “Too Close”
New Order, “True Faith”
The Cars, “Just What I Needed”
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, “Blinded By the Light”
Scissor Sisters, “Take Your Mama Out”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

New Found Glory bassist Ian Grushka posted a letter to his fans on his Web site, ianbrushka.net, asking them to use their “creative talents” to enter an Oscar Meyer-sponsored essay contest in which the grand prize is use of the Weinermobile for a day. However, Grushka’s ulterior motive is to put the vehicle to so-called “good use,” by use it to spread animal-rights/vegetarian messages with the help of PETA. I can’t imagine Oscar Meyer would allow something like this to happen, although I’d suggest you go to Ian Grushka’s Web site and send him pictures of you wearing fur and/or leather, as well as eating hamburgers, bacon, steaks, and other succulent dead animal products.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I ain’t no hollaback girl.

Cheers
-JF2k5!

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