Welcome to Inside Pulse’s live and exclusive coverage of the Great American Bash. I’m not PK. I’m Tom Pandich and I’ll be sucking on coverage all night. He had to finish the epic Star Wars/Transformers/Masters of the Universe war that has been going on all week. Darth Vader and Skeletor have killed Optimus Prime last I heard in a noble sacrifice to save the planet Earth from impending doom. It’s ok though. His Mankind action figure (Adrenaline Series 3) has joined the fight!
Anywho, tonight we’ve got a bra and panties match, Animal’s return to the ring, and the bWo fighting Mexicans on tractors! Oh yeah, also Benoit is going for the US Title, Booker and Christian go at it in a potential MOTN contest, Eddie and Rey Rey are going at it, Batista is defending his title for the first time on Smackdown against JBL, and the Undertaker may kill AGAIN. Wait, scratch that. He may hurt someone to the point where we’ll never see them again or whatever reason the “E” made up for Percy’s death last year.
Nice little PATRIOTIC video package introduces Batista/JBL, Hassan/Undertaker, and Guerrero/Mysterio for the evening. Fireworks exploded and we are LIVE from Buffalo. Apparently this is the 20th GAB. Tazz and Michael Cole are our hosts for the evening, meet the Spanish announcers and we go right into action.
MNM vs Animal and Heidenreich
MNM comes out first looking quite metrosexual. Animal and Heidenreich come out and clear the ring to LOD’s old music. Bell rings and Heidenreich and Mercury to start. Heidenreich takes down Mercury with a shoulder block and he bails. Mercury attacks and ends up flat on his face and bails again. Mercury runs into a fist, bails again, and Animal tosses him back in. Tag to Animal and double shoulderblock to Mercury.
Mercury tags out and the double team is on. Two man suplex on Animal turns into Animal suplexing both Mercury and Nitro. Animal tags Heidenreich in and gets taken out. Huge LOD chant starts up as Mercury and Nitro work on the left knee. Huge Heidenreich chant starts up. Nitro covers and gets two.
Mercury tags in, gets tossed into the corner and the hot tag is made to Animal. Animal cleans house, but takes a belt shot. Two count on the belt shot, but it sets up the Snapshot. Heidenreich breaks the move, and Animal drops Nitro. Animal calls for the Doomsday Device, and Heidenreich hits it off the top. 1, 2, 3! Animal dedicates the match to Hawk.
Winners and New Champs: Heidenreich and Animal
Matthews is in the back with Eddie. Apparently Eddie is now addicted to secrets. Isn’t that special? Dominque will be down at ringside and Eddie promises to destroy Rey and tell the secret.
Christian vs Booker T
IT’S THE CAPTAIN! Huzzah. How cool is Christian? Pretty damn cool I say. We see a recap of Christian’s attack on Booker T two weeks ago. Booker comes out in a significantly less cool opening with Sharmell. Some may say it’s less cool because of the fire, but someone is grasping for straws.
Booker T chases Christian and the Captain runs away. More chasing, more running. Christian will not get into the ring and gets some big heat for it. Booker finally catches the Captain, but not for long. Christian eats some punches and bails to the outside. Booker T comes out and starts hitting some pretty big chops on Christian. Booker suplexes Christian and starts beating him in the corner. Christian gets out of the corner and then slingshoted back in. Pin gets two, but Christian starts to take over. Inverted swinging DDT on Booker gets two. Booker fights back but Christian hits a flying armbar for two.
Christian slaps on a rear naked choke and Booker T fights up, but Christian tosses Booker T to the ground by the hair. Christian then gets a side headlock on Booker, but Booker gets to the rope. The peeps chant for Christian. Sharmell gets up on the apron and she slaps Christian. Christian charges at her but Booker hits him with a Book End for two. Booker continues the offense. A suplex gets two. Christian gets tossed into the corner and counters with a pin for two. Booker takes Christian down and it’s Spinarooni time. Axe kick is countered, Unprettier is countered, and Christian starts eating punches in the corner. On the fourth Christian counters with a powerbomb and gets two with his feet on the ropes.
Booker gets up and hits with an old school missile dropkick for two. Christian eats pole on the outside and then eats some stairs. Booker tosses Christian in and hits a scissors kick off the top for the three count. Heck of a match despite the crowd not being in it for most of it, save a few peeps. Booker T is now 6-1 at the Bash.
Winner: Booker T
Summerslam preview has both T and a bit of A.
US Championship Match: Orlando Jordan versus Christ err Chris Benoit
Orlando Jordan talks some smack but Benoit smacks the juice earlier on Sunday Night Heat. Shame I missed that earlier. Benoit comes out to a positive reaction. Tazz says Orlando Jordan is the best pure athlete on Smackdown. Right”¦
Bell rings and they tangle. Orlando eats knees and fists in the corner and Benoit hits with a few big chops. Jordan kicks back and Benoit chops and Jordan punches. A real technical match up so far. Benoit hits a snap suplex for two. Jordan gets a slight advantage and starts working on the arm. Jordan goes for a big boot which Benoit rolls through and then hits a leg drag.
The action heads outside and Benoit eats post. Jordan tries to remove one of the turnbuckles and eats a huge German suplex. Benoit hits a Northern Lights suplex for two. Jordan gets a slight advantage with some striking blows and Cole fills us in that it was ten years ago when the US Championship last changed hands at the Bash when Sting one the vacated belt. Jordan gets an arm bar on Benoit, which Benoit fights out of. Jordan hits a big drop kick and then spells out his intials in the air. O and J in case you’re wondering. Benoit hits a double leg takedown followed by punches, which Jordan turns over. Jordan gets two twice, locks an armbar in again, and cradles Benoit for two. Benoit pops up and goes for the Sharpshooter, but Jordan powers out of it.
Jordan straps on another armbar and moves it into a hammerlock. Benoit elbows his way of it, but eats a swinging neck breaker for two. Jordan starts hammering on Benoit’s neck and gets two and then one. Benoit chant starts up as he eats a big elbow for two. Jordan drives the knee in with a surfboard like submission, which Benoit fights out of, but he eats another knee and a scoop slam. OJ heads up top, but Benoit takes his legs out and hits a superplex off the top. Ten count starts up and both are up at six. Benoit hits some offense and nails a back body drop. Sharpshooter is countered, but Benoit hits the Germans. Jordan blocks the second one, goes for a clothesline, and eats another German. The third hits and Benoit says “It’s OVAH”. Benoit hits the headbutt off the top for a long two.
Benoit tosses Jordan into the corner and Jordan’s head hits Benoit. Jordan removes the turnbuckle cover, and Benoit eats the exposed turnbuckle. One, two, three. This was a pretty great match-up that OJ should get quite a bit of credit for hampered by the crap ending. Benoit’s helped to his feet by the ref, gets a big ovation, and leaves to his own music. Nice display of respect by the upstate New Yorkers.
Winner and still US Champion, Orlando Jordan.
Hassan/Undertaker video package leads us into the match. My father tells me how he used to coach the wrestler I.R.S. in football. Thanks dad.
Muhammad Hassan vs. Undertaker (#1 Contender Match)
Hassan comes out with his terrorist troop. Cole acknowledges that many people in the media are speculating that this is Hassan’s last match. Hassan has a microphone and is booed like crazy. Hassan acknowledges that tonight if he does not defeat the Undertaker, he will never be back on Smackdown again, but that won’t happen *cough*. Hassan knows about sacrifice as he’s sacrificed his manager and his lawyer. Quite the losses. USA chant interrupts the promo. Some guy out in the audience is really into what Hassan is saying. Here comes the Undertaker. Aw damn, he didn’t levitate to the ring and there’s no Druids or lightning. Damn, that’s disappointing. He still raises the lights though. In such a politically charged match-up, it’s good to know that the Undertaker is environmentally conscious as he conserves power whenever he comes out.
The freedom fighters surround the ring and here’s the bell. Hassan ducks the right hand twice and does the cocky dance. He almost dodges the third, dodges the forth, and then beats on the Undertaker in the corner. That lasts for all of three seconds and the Undertaker takes over. Darky Mark tosses Hassan into the corner and eats boot. He then returns the favor to Hassan. Old school is followed by a flatliner for two. Crowd is dead and Davari is loud. The Undertaker keeps Hassan in the corner, chases off the ref and then misses with a big leg, which sends him to the outside. The terrorists always remember and beat down on the Undertaker. Hassan manages to take over for all of two seconds. The Undertaker no sells a kick to the face and destroys Hassan. Undertaker goes after the terrorists and gets choked out with piano wire for his trouble. Hassan clamps on the Camel Clutch.
Undertaker gets Hassan up and nails an electric chair. Terrorist 1 runs in and gets beat down. Undertaker teases the Tombstone and clears house on three more terrorists. He nails the fifth one, has a Tombstone countered, and Hassan eats a chokeslam for three.
After the match Undertaker cleans house. Slams one terrorist hard into the steps, nails the second with a guillotine on a chair, and tosses the third into the Spanish announcers. Fourth one eats a chokeslam on the outside. Davari attacks on the inside, but gets tossed off. The fifth terrorist eats a tombstone and the Undertaker goes after Davari. He throws Davari through the side of the Smackdown announcers’ table and goes after Hassan. Hassan eats a chokeslam on the ramp, and now the Undertaker tears up the stage. He opens up a hole in the stage and hits a huge Last Ride down through the hole to the *cough* concrete. There’s no padding in the hole apparently as we see Hassan’s crumpled form on the ground covered in no blood. Undertaker goes off to right poetry. He’s so goth. Not as goth as Lucard though. Lucard is like a fricking vampire only a backwards vampire. Man, I wish I could be as cool as Lucard and so do you.
Winner: People who love freedom
Cut to the back and Torrie says we’re going to see Melina in her bra and panties. Huzzah.
Cut back to Hassan and now there’s blood. Amazing how long it takes for the human body to bleed.
Mexicools vs bWo: Who’s taking over?
The Mexicools come out and give a rake to the Spanish announcers. The bWo come down on big wheels with bandanas. This should be great. Juvi starts out with Nova and the juice is relaxing on the rope. Nova takes Juvi down and the other two Mexicools pop in the ring. Psicosis and Super Crazy get tossed into the corner and the Meanie splats them. Super Crazy nails an awesome corkscrew from the outside to the inside and they begin to work on Nova. Nova hits a boot and is able to get that tag to Steven Richards. Steven Richards cleans house. Hm, never thought I’d type that. Big Stevie Cool ducks Juvi coming in with a crossbody. The Meanie runs in and sends the rest of Mexicools to the outside. Psicosis takes down Richards, which leads to Super Crazy hitting an awesome backflip as he jumps over the top rope and springboards off the second rope. Psicosis hits a leg drop off the top for the three. Fun match that could have been more fun if it went longer. Los Cincos Enfuegoes are pissed that the blatant gimmick stealing Mexicools won this one. That’s ok though. They did a piss poor job on my lawn.
Video package says Eddie can’t beat Rey but he has a secret. After the package Rey and his son pray to Jesus in Spanish. Doesn’t Rey know that Jesus is now evil since Shawn superkicked Hogan for Jesus? IT’S A SWERVE!
Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio: Secret versus Rehab Match
Eddie comes out to evil music. Rey comes out of the floor. Oh my God. Domenick is on fire. That would be awesome. Nah, Rey comes out with son through the front and Domenick sits a few feet away from the ring. Maybe the secret is that there is no secret. Eddie sucks chant starts up. Let’s go Eddie chant counters. Uh oh, there are some Smarts in the audience tonight. Eddie demands a hand shake for Rey’s kid. He follows it up with a hug! Awww. Rey breaks the moment and clotheslines Eddie. Bell rings, match starts.
Rey comes out like his casa is on fire but misses a cross body. Eddie tries to slow it down but Rey hits a backslide for two. Rey then nails Eddie with a nice DDT for two. The match slows down to normal speeds. Rey hits Eddie in the corner for six and Eddie hits Rey with an inverted atomic drop. Eddie heads up to the top and Rey takes his legs out under him. Hurricanerana off the top gets only two. Dominique looks like he’s crying. Rey is heading up top and Eddie takes Rey’s legs out. It’s a bad night for testicals. Eddie adjusts his balls and sets Rey Rey up for an “Insider’s Edge” as the video games calls it. Rey counters with another rana, which lands Eddie on the ropes. 619! West Coast Pop! 1, 2, no! Eddie goes outside to recoup and has a chat with Dominique.
Rey goes out and begs for his son. Eddie loves Dominique though. Eddie attacks Mysterio while he’s distracted and Tazz calls Eddie an asshole. Yikes. Eddie beats on Rey some more and dumps him. He goes over to give Dominique a kiss. Aww, that’s nice. Eddie is such a nice guy. Eddie beats on Rey some more and Rey goes for the wheelbarrow DDT, which Eddie counters into a huge belly to back suplex. Eddie gets a two count about four times. Eddie goes for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker which Rey counters for two. Eddie goes right back to work on Rey putting him into a submission. Rey tries to counter into a roll up, but Eddie slingshots him to the outside. Uncle Eddie goes over to pat Domenick on the head like a good FATHER(?) should. Rey Rey goes right after Eddie like a Mexicool on a lawnmower. Eddie catches Mysterio’s springboard moonsault, but Mysterio counters into a swinging DDT. Springboard dropkick leads to another 619. He drops the dime, but Guerrero moves out of the way.
Eddie is up, and uno, dos, tres with the three amigos. Tazz says “amigo” means “friend” something Eddie doesn’t have any of. OHHHH BURN. Eddie goes up for the frog splash, sees Rey moving, goes down, hits two more suplexes, takes a long hard look at Dominique, and nails a huge brainbuster. Eddie hits the frog splash and lays back for a cocky pin. One, wait counter, Mysterio rolls up Eddie, one, two, three! Wow, the out of nowhere ending was great here. Eddie looks like he’s about to cry from the pain of such a stinging loss. Poor Eddie. Eddie goes after a mean looking fan and chews him out.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
Josh Matthews is with JBL and the Texan is pissed and looks like a complete jackass in his USA get-up. He says that Batista has a pretty good shot against him tonight and that he’s looking forward to a splendid contest of athleticism, or at least that’s what I thought he would be saying if my f*cking internet and cable didn’t go out. I’ll have the rest of my review when I finished downloading the matches. Until then, here’s MM with quickie results.
Matthew Michael Edit — Tom’s computer crapped out. He’ll have the rest of the results up ASAP, but in the meantime, here is a quick recap of the rest of the PPV:
– Melina beat Torrie by stripping her in the Bra & Panties Match, and then Torrie and Candice (the special ref) stripped Melina AND Candice stripped herself. Match of the year candidate.
– JBL guaranteed victory and he got it … by DQ after Batista hit he and an interfering OJ with stiff chairshots to the head in Nick Patrick’s sight. Batista walked up the ramp, then came back, fuming angry at a smiling JBL, and hit several stiff chairshots to the back of both JBL and the US Champ.