The Midnight News 07.25.05

So I had a few e-mails all set to go… then they vanished. I’ve no clue what happened to them, but they be gone. Sorry.

Hello Hairyasses! I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News!! Still doing the Summer of Hyatte, still on the verge of a horrific burn-out, still alive, still standing, still horny… blah blah blah…

Speaking of bumpkins, Flea wrote something. And he got very, very nervous when I wasn’t around all week… I mean, if I died, then NO ONE would read him! Jesus, can’t have that.

Off we go

BASHING AMERICANS GREATLY

Ahh, and so it is. A great, great GREAT Summer concept, The Great American Bash, which was a monthlong tour of unusual, rarely seen, interesting matches helped keep the NWA afloat for many years during Hulk-A-Mania’s heyday.

Wargames, 8 Man steel cage matches, Ricky Morton, Robert Gibson, Road Warrior Hawk, Road Warrior Animal, ALL getting a rare shot at Ric Flair! Truly, and innovative concept… the summer of 80’s NWA….

Now its a damn Smackdown only PPV… and a bad one.

I didn’t watch it… but I know what happened:

-Animal brought out the dead body of Hawk and threw him at Johnny Nitro to win the tag titles while Sunny came out and injected Larry Mercury with a hot dose of crack and Heidenreich brought out Rocco and shoved his head up Melina’s choochie. Paul Ellering sat at home fuming, Jesus, they couldn’t have called ME?!?!?!?!?!

-The Black ex-con with the dredlocks and the light, bright, and almost white wife beat the guy from Toronto! This is, after all, The Great AMERICAN Bash… and NOT Oh, Canada, Eh? Bash. Our pride MUST be honored

-Which is why Orlando Jordan beat Benoit too… see above and repeat… just replace “dredlocks” with “goofy afro” and “Toronto” with “Not even that cool”. Oh, Jordan also won because he’s young and Benoit refuses to not SUCK on the mic!

-The Undertaker destroyed Al Quaida! YES!! THE UNDERTAKER SAVED US ALL FROM TERROR!!! OSAMA WILL NEVER FUCK WITH US AGAIN!!!

-The nice thing is… not only did the Undertaker show all those Allah praising third-world, towel heads how AMERICA gets revenge for blowing up buildings, but he ALSO beat the crap out of an Italian! And trust me, ALL dagos need a good beating.

-The Mexicools beat the BWO. I actually like Juventud Guerrera now. He is SO anti-establishment! He’s defying orders, slicking down his body, using other people’s moves… its great.

-The Blue Meanie… JBL should’ve punched him right in the cocksucker a few times.

-Rey beat Eddie and Dominic Mysterio has gone all American and dyed his hair. Be funny if the secret was that Chavo Classic was his real daddy.

-Batista probably wishes he was safely back on Raw and under Triple H’s protection umbrella… because now he has to CARRY a brand! And apparently, he ain’t pulling it off.

-Oh, and Torrie Wilson isn’t even 30 years old yet… and she’s pushed aside for the younger, hotter, cuter, sexier Melina… man, if they send Melina after Stratus… you can just start counting the days until Trish gets that dreaded Johnny Ace phone call.

And that’s it. Save yer money for Summerslam… that’ll be the show to see!

SATURDAY NIGHT PRE-TAPED

And the worst secret in the business was revealed as Spike TV agreed to let TNA run an hour show dead-ass in the middle of Saturday night. And SOME people (mostly people from TNA) are now screaming that the WWE now has competition! “IT’S ON!!” says TNA. “IT’S DAD GUM BY GAWD ON!!!”

No it is NOT “on”.

I mean, it’s great that TNA has a huge, prime time outlet by which to showcase their product… even though they are PAYING Spike for it (in return, Spike will set-up advertisiments for the three hour block of programming, which means they’ll primarily be selling ad time for Howard Stern’s show and just pimp out the TNA and… Ultimate Fighting (right?) as a “You get to be on Stern and for two hours before!” incentive.

But this isn’t a damn competition, and TNA needs some MAJOR improving if they’re going to last with Spike.

Spike already has a terrible taste in their mouth when it comes to wrestling, and that won’t change now that TNA is paying them like little bitches. As soon as TNA underwhelms in the ratings… BLAM, Spike will kill them quick! Rest assured…

I actually don’t think it’ll take that long… not with the way they are going.

If TNA wants to score… wants to recoup, and wants to stop losing money as if it was flowing out of a worn out faucet ($24 MILLION and counting since Panda Energy took over), they will have to do the following…

1) Murder James Mitchell. The guy looks and dresses like he belongs in Florida Championship Wrestling in 1985. The long jet black hair (and the bushy ass eyebrows that match) is retarded. The red suit is ridiculous, and his teeth are the color of rotten bananas. Either end his life of send him back to running karaoke
shows throughout greater Florida and parts of Alabama. He’s frightening to look at.

2) Re-package Abyss. One f*cking Kane is enough… and for chrissakes, Mick Foley at least made Mankind SOMETHING special. This dude is just a watered down version of both. makes this company look more bush league and unoriginal then it actually is.

3) Jarrett. Jeff Jarrett, right now, is TNA’s version of Triple H without the charisma, talent, or work ethic. Say what you want about Hunter, but he will work any kind of match any time and will take the fall when he absolutely needs to. Jarrett won’t even put anyone over! He and his Daddy are the only two people in EXISTENCE who thinks a company can succeed with him as the main player.

4) Outlaw and Road Dog. Or whatever their names are. These two are involved in a featured mid-card angle. Will they or won’t they re-unite. New viewers will see this dramtic angle roll out slowly over the weeks and ALL OF THEM will think, “Hey, I remember them in the WWE. Didn’t give a shit for them then and I don’t now!” Plus Billy Kip looks bored to tears… just another day at the office for him.

5) Sonny Siaki. They tried to make him TNA’s “Rock”, and when that bottomed out they gave him a tag team partner. He sucks.

6) Just fire anyone who ever worked the second hour of Nitro.

7) More tits, more hotties, bring back Goldy-Locks.

8) FOR CHRISSAKES, NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE MIKE TENAY SNEER AND MAKE FACES AT JEFF JARRETT!!! STOP IT!! STOP IT NOW!!

9) Eliminate the whole “Team Canada” concept. It’s played.

10) Umm…. oh, and stop jumping the gun and announcing storylines that involve guys not signed yet. Having Jarrett attack Hulk Hogan in Japan was embarrassing because Hogan took great delight in backing out and screwing them over. Having Jarrett promise to go through “Hardy, and I’m not talking about Jeff” just makes them look like they’re pandering for the WWE cast-offs.

There, those are ten suggestions… next week, in the interest of fairness, I’ll run down some BRIGHT SPOTS ij the TNA line-up! Yup I’ll actually give PRAISE

Bunch’a damn hillbillies. Bring back Nash!!

THE BURNING QUESTIONS

So, Wade Keller conned some low-rent producer to let him tape a huge three hour interview with Matt and Jeff Hardy, and this interview is now available for ordering (go find it, I ain’t linking). Keller is very careful not to call it a “shoot”, which leads me to beleive that the interview is extremely benign and pretty much toothless. I mean, after yammering on about Lita, what else is there for Matt to talk about? The interview was concluded well before Matt re-signed with the WWE, so it isn’t even topical.

And I don’t see Keller asking Jeff about his sexual inclination or his preferred narcotic of choice.

Then Rob Feinstein shows up and screams, “I’VE GOT A SHOOT INTERVIEW WITH MATT HARDY THAT’S SO HOT, TWO WWE SUPERSTARS CALLED ME AND THREATENED MY VERY LIFE!!!!“. Which tells me that Hardy either A: Realized he had nothing left to say and outed some cokeheads, B: Realized he had nothing left to say and outed some fags or C: Realized he had nothing left to say and outed some cokeheads and fags.

So now we have two more Matt Hardy interviews to look forward too, and I’m sure they will be filled with various names for Lita and Edge and Johnny Ace and maybe even Vince … but beyond that, nothing… because neither Feinstein nor Keller will have the balls to ask some REALLY good questions. None of these guys would. I don’t trust them to ask the good questions, only because I’ve read enough interviews to see that NO ONE is willing to go all out here.

But maybe you do.

I’ve ran this segment before, and its always fun… I put down a wrestler’s name and then list a bunch of questions that you can ask them. Yeah, YOU… whether in a real life interview forum or if you see them out on the street, YOU… if you have the NERVE, if you have the… the… GRAPEFRUITS… are hereby challenged to step up and ask the REAL questions… the HARD questions… the questions EVERYONE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW…

Questions… such as… these:

To Matt Hardy

-How much bigger is Edge’s cock compared to yours?

-Aren’t you glad you narrowly avoided working for TNA?

-Why not just have sex with Stratus?

-What was the point of that book?

-More fat chicks love you then any other wrestler. Your thoughts?

-Where can I score some cheap blow?

-When do I get my turn with Lita?

-When Johnny Ace fired you, did he first say, “We don’t like your Mattitiude”?

-How many zeroes did they have to attach to your check to get you to job out to Copeland?

-Would like some cheese with your WHINE?

-Any chance that, in this new contract, you were promised maybe a WIN or two?

To Brock Lesnar

-Boy, this groveling you’re doing must be humiliating, huh?

-For chrissakes, why Rena?

-What’s the matter Brock, those squiggly lines in the playbook were just too confusing to learn?

-Didn’t you tell Sports Illustrated that you hate gays? So why go back to a job where all you do is let half-naked sweaty man fondle you?

-Whoa, haven’t missed too many cheeseburgers this past year, huh?

To Jeff Jarrett

-Do you see why Hogan refused to put you over yet?

-Do you see why Stone Cold thought a feud with you would be a step down for him?

-What happens when TNA fails?

-Isn’t paying Spike for TV time basically public access?

-How will it feel when the people that run the company you built fire you?

-Do you realize that NO ONE wants to see you in the main event?

-How does it feel to be the one true “Wrestling Brand Name” that no one really cares about?

-How smart is it to keep AJ Styles, your one, true shining star in the company you’re trying to keep alive, relegated to mid-card status?

-How much longer do you expect TNA to revolve around you before the whole thing collapses?

-You’re over 40. Do you still call your father “Daddy”?

-Can you make your teeth sparkle like they did when you were the country-western boy?

To Samoa Joe

-Why are all Samoans fat?

-Is that necklace around your neck a sign of love to your island God, Yahomatataluckeye?

-When do you plan on out-obesing Rikishi?

-Can you do 20 sit-ups?

-Has Mike Tenay tried to hit on you yet?

-Is TNA paying you in coconuts?

-When is the plan to have you lay down for Jarrett?

-Isn’t James Mitchell just the SEEDIEST looking asshole in the business?

-When do you get your shot at Lita?

-Didn’t I see your daddy chasing Gilligan around the island on an episode of Gilligan’s Island?

-Do you look around the locker room and think, “Geeze, I used to fast forward through most of these guys Nitro matches”?

-Does “Ring of Honor” mean “Wrestling without Payment”?

-Have you tried to sacrifice Dixie Carter’s newborn infant to the Volcano God Jollidididickickickalama yet?

There you go, just a few questions that you can ask these kids… since they are so open to interviews.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*”Formicophilia” is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.*

And just like that, you’re smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Hey, Widro! They DO have a name for it! Sicko.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Fatherhood?

Only three things I had to teach my kid: When to flip the bird, how to walk around daddy when he’s sleeping off a drunk on the kitchen floor, and to always kick Hyatte in the balls when he says hi to her. That’s all she needs to know.

Flea: who thought I died and was pissed that I died before plugging his lastest column.

TRIPLE H THE UNDERTAKER IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH The Undertaker bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H The Undertaker has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. InternetBoyfriend, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a supporter of Rob Feinstein too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H The Undertaker Is Better Than You Because

It only took him eight minutes to get revenge for 9/11!

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H THE UNDERTAKER IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! THE UNDERTAKER WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

DOING LINES… CAUGHT ON FILM

What I do here is take lines from movies/tv shows and put them here for your amusement and/or delight! Neat, huh?

Of course, I need YOUR help, with submissions and what not. A fellow by the name of Justin Parr has been helping me out with these for years!

1) I know you don’t I? I’m usually very good with names but I’ll be damned if I haven’t forgotten yours.

You stole my cab.

I never stole anything in my life.

I hailed a cab on park avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it.

(it dawns on him) You’re the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.

Forget it.

I can’t forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.

No thanks.

Just a hot dog then.

I’m very picky about what I eat.

Some coffee?

No.

Milk?

No.

Soda?

No.

Tea?

No.

Life Savers?

No.

Slurpee?

Sir, please.

Just let me know. I’m here. I knew I knew you!Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

02): Nice house.

Yeah, come on. I’ll give you a tour.

Naw, it’s ok.

No, come on.

No, it’s ok. I-I get it.

You get it?

Yeah, it’s a house. It’s new. I get it. It’s nice.

You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the f*ck out of my house, Larry.Curb Your Enthusiasm

03): Fill them pews, people, that’s the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook ’em while they’re young..

Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Oh, if only we had their numbersDogma

04): I can’t get illegal cable.

Come on man, it’s the 90s! It’s Hammer Time!Seinfeld

05): Armed? Armed with what? Hmm let’s see. Bad breath, colorful language, feather duster. What do you think they’re armed with? GUNS, YOU TIT! GUNS!!Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

06): I’ll have a Samuel Jackson.

Good motherf*cking choice, motherf*cker! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It’ll get ya drunk! You’ll be f*cking fat girls in no time!

You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, bitch! How’s it taste, motherf*cker?

Could you please stop yelling at me?

No, I can’t stop yelling, ’cause that’s how I talk! Haven’t you seen my movies? “Juice” That was a good one! “Deep Blue Sea” They ate me! A motherf*cking shark ate me! Drink up, bitch!Chapelle’s Show

07): We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension.Freakazoid

08): Paul, what is your favorite fruit?

Pears.

Okay, now…

No wait! Apples.

Great, now say that everyday you had an apple. An apple, an apple and more apples. You probably thought that apples were pretty good, even if you got a rotten one every once in awhile. Then one day there was an orange. Now you can choose, do you want an apple or do you want an orange? That’s democracy.

I also like bananas.

Exactly!Election

09): This guy’s methodical, exacting, and worst of all, patient.

He’s a nutbag! Just because the f*cker’s got a library card doesn’t make him Yoda!Se7en

10): There are about two billion people living in China. That’s how you know someone is doing some serious f*cking.Richard Pryor: Live in Concert

Ahh, that’s nice.

I want to take this home? Have you had it with this column? Had enough? Okay, one last piece o’ business and we’re out of here…

HOME SWEET HOME

So, Widro has plans for this site. He’s been keeping his writers up to date on his various plans.

One of which involves a brand new slogan for this site, Inside Pulse.

Now Widro, and he’ll admit this, is a good broad-idea man, but not the finest fine-detail mind out there. His idea for a slogan runs like this…

Inside Pulse: Die Hard Coverage for Die Hard Fans.

And he admitted that it wasn’t good, but it conveyed the general concept of what he wanted to present. So, on the Inside Pulse Writer Only forum, he asked other writers for suggestions… here are a few slogans that were presented:

Inside Pulse: The beat goes on … inside

Inside Pulse: When Only The Best Will Do

Inside Pulse: Covering the world, one column at a time

Inside Pulse: Monitoring the pulse of society, beat by beat

Inside Pulse: The beat goes in

Inside Pulse: We Suffer Through Crap So You Don’t Have To

Inside Pulse: Let Your Pulse Flow.

Inside Pulse: There is No Knowledge. That is Not Power

Inside Pulse: Sometimes the answer just comes

Inside Pulse: Join the Nation of Pulseholics

Inside Pulse: Everything you never knew you always wanted to know

….. I THINK they were kidding… man I hope so.

Anywhoo, since I am nothing if not a team player (just don’t invite me into a silly CHATROOM), I thought I’d present a few of MY slogan ideas… I am, after all, pretty much responsible for all of Widro’s internet success… and he’ll admit it one day, possibly after peeing his name on my tombstone (get in line, sparky. It’s a long one).

Inside Pulse: We got Flea

Inside Pulse: Come see Hyatte before he gets sent to the glue factory

Inside Pulse: Whatever Happened to Scott Keith?

Inside Pulse: Filling the gap left by Star Trek

Inside Pulse: With actual female writers!

Inside Pulse: Virtually ignored since 2004

Inside Pulse: Who are these people?

Inside Pulse: Where Old, Burnt Out Writers come to die

Inside Pulse: Two of us actually knows Trish Stratus

Inside Pulse: Who names their child “Murtz”?

Inside Pulse: Where Live Journal Bloggers Unite!

Inside Pulse: Some of us use Spellcheck!

Inside Pulse: Dozens of Hyatte’s Ex-Girlfriends read us, why can’t you?

Inside Pulse: Have you seen 411’s new Layout?

Inside Pulse: Won’t be long until Dave Gagnon worms his way on-
board.

Inside Pulse: Cutting and pasting our asses off just for you!

Inside Pulse: We’ve got nothing better to do.

Inside Pulse: You’ve got nothing better to do.

Inside Pulse: Widro will pay you

Inside Pulse: Gloomchen will sleep with every 100th new reader

Inside Pulse: Where everyone talks about everyone else behind their
backs

Inside Pulse: Where the stars of Reality TV SHINE

Inside Pulse: It’s better than watching rabbits f*ck

Inside Pulse: One of our writers may be black!

Inside Pulse: Jesus died for this!

There. Any ONE of these slogans would grab hold of the reader and make his or her eyes GLUE onto the fine, fine, oh-so fine number of zones and columns that this site has to offer. Any one of these slogans would define this site, define our audience, and… by god… would define our CULTURE

And of course, Widro is free to use any one of these, absolutely without charge.

If you have your OWN ideas, register at the IP forums and present them. Then play our video games. Widro has installed some video games at the forums and, by Lord, they are FUN… good job! Now all he needs is an audio area where the people can hear my voice. That might inspire me to stick around a bit longer than my current plan.

I’m done and tired and feeling a bit ill, so I’ll be heading out now. Things to do, people to see, and brainwaves to surf.

Next week, a NEW column… with much of the same stuff I have here, only re-worded very carefully.

Hee hee, haven’t had an original idea since ’01… only now, it’s really starting to show.

This is Hyatte