The Crucifix

For some reason (laziness), Hevia couldn’t churn out a Crucifix this week. So after I made him grovel for a bit, I agreed, reluctantly, to slap together one in his absence. So, let me be up front. I am an IWC God, and like any other IWC God, I’ve invoked the right to basically tune out the current craptastic product. So I’ll do my best to try and recap the events of last week, but I can’t guarantee prison quality.


RAW

Last week, on RAW (WTF happened to the WAR part?):

  • Bischoff kicks off the show by booking Cena vs. Snitsky in a lumberjack match, thus instantly guaranteeing this show will suck ass.
  • Shelton Benjamin defeats C-Cubed via DQ in a “no countout” match. Carly keeps the strap. Yeah, remind me why the f*ck we’re watching this when we could have been treated to Benjy vs. Haas in a series of mat classics? And you wonder why I ignore the current product.
  • Kurt Angle defeats Some Unemployed Teacher in the Kurt Angle Invitational with an Anklelock. And, again, Haas is one step away from tricking his wife for Mickey D’s money and some guy who got canned by the NYC School District is on my TV?
  • A troop of chicks who couldn’t cut it in the escort service industry take up more valuable TV time. Thanks again for those cost-saving cuts, Vince. Nothing warms my cockles more than seeing a bunch of chicks who couldn’t cut it on the track at Hunt’s Point rather than, you know, wrestlers.
  • Some promo for The Boogeyman. Because God knows Vince can’t have a TV show without a minstrel.
  • We get our first intro to Kerwin White, aka Chavo Jr., as he discusses golf with Bisch and unleashes upon the public his brand-new catchphrase, “If it’s not White, it’s not right.” Fuck you, Vince. You cave in to UPN over Hassan and give us a character who hates his own race? Bitch.
  • Chris Masters puts Rosey out with the MasterLock, then runs like a bitch when Big Show shows up to answer the challenge. At this point, I’m wondering why any of you hadn’t changed the channel by now.
  • Edge runs his mouth about Matt Freakin’ Hardy without mentioning him by name. Really, the whole Matt Hardy thing went from “Sweet!” to “Who gives a f*ck” in under 48 hours.
  • The original Triple H and The Fake Icon (because we all know the true Icon is Alex Lucard) trade promos. Really, were people clamoring for this match? Because, personally, I’d rather masturbate with a Brillo pad than put up with any more Hogan.
  • Edge beats Kane in a cage match after Matt Freakin’ Hardy does his obligatory run-in, thus killing once and for all the question of if this was a shoot or a work. After pulling off Matt’s run-in last week masterfully, they blow the whole damn thing by having him show up this week. If you really wanted to keep people guessing, Vince, you should have waited until this week to bring him back. Oh, yeah, there was a match in there somewhere, right? Well, it was Edge and Kane, so, really, who gives a f*ck?
  • Cena defeats Snitsky with the Fuck Me, No, Fuck You, in one of the lamest lumberjack matches I’ve ever witnessed. And, considering lumberjack matches rank just above Dog in a Kennel matches and just below scaffold matches, that’s saying a lot. One question: why did it take so long for the faces to show up at ringside? If you’re going to run down and help someone, shouldn’t you offer your service, oh, I dunno, before the guy’s been getting his ass kicked for 10 minutes?

Overall, just one week after Vince put on one of the best RAWs in years, he crashes back to Earth with a flabby thud. This episode sucked so bad that it’s hard to even muster up enough energy to talk about it.


SmackDown!

Hevia doesn’t cover SmackDown, and damn if I’m putting in more work than he does.

I will take this opportunity to address one thing, however. Vincent K. McMahon likes to talk about the size of his “grapefruits”. Well, last week they were exposed as actually being the size of raisins, as UPN pulled Vince’s bitch card and he folded like a $5 table. Muhammad Hassan will no longer be appearing on WWE programming. And you know who I blame for it?

You. That’s right, you. The fickle, brainless wrestling fan. Muhammad Hassan represented a real chance for a truly complex heel character. Here was a guy, an Arab-American (let me emphasize, AMERICAN), who had been discriminated against since 9/11. His first few promo spots were gold, as he came on our screens and talked rationally about how he, his family, and his friend and manager Khosrow Daivari, had been treated like criminals ever since the Twin Towers fell. But, let’s be honest. The average wrestling fan is too stupid, too xenophobic to understand where Hassan was coming from. And I’m not denying that, more than likely, Creative would have still f*cked this whole thing up. But it was the need to appease the average wrestling fan that led to the brain fart that was Hassan ordering a group of men in ski masks and camo pants to attack The Undertaker. If we need any more proof of the idiocy of the wrestling fan, it was delivered the next week, as Hassan cut the promo of a lifetime, explaining his position and how ludicrous it was how people jumped to conclusions about him, in front of a crowd chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Here’s a clue, assholes: the guy’s f*cking AMERICAN!!! But, because of the uproar over the UT attack, UPN demands that Vince pull Hassan from SmackDown, and not only does Vince agree, but he scraps the character altogether.

I don’t normally participate, endorse, or condone these things, as I usually find them to be a waste of time, but I strongly urge all of you to sign this “Save Hassan” petition. In the end, it won’t amount to a damn thing (which is why I normally ignore them), but in this case I think it’s for a worthy cause. No, Vince won’t bring him back, but it will send a message. And maybe this will make you folks think in the future before you expose yourselves as a bunch of stereotypical redneck, xenophobic wrestling fans. Vince created this character because he knew how you’d react. And you proved him right yet again. Congratulations.


TNA iMPACT!

What is this…TNA…you speak of?


Why Victoria Rules

Damn if I know. Hevia’s the one with the hard-on for the chick. Personally, I think she’s a skank, which was fine when she was insane and came out to tATu, but ever since she had her face turn she’s been boring as f*ck.


That’s it for this edition of The Crucifix. I hope you enjoyed it. If not, too f*cking bad. Hevia will be back next week, and if he’s not, he’ll probably have more sense than letting me run amuck with it. Peace.