Hey… what’s this?
Shawn Michaels is a heel?!
Matt Hardy is back!?
Mohammad Hassan died?!?
Jericho vs. Cena at Summerslam?!?!?!
TONIGHT THERE WILL BE A BATTLE OF THE BANDS!
Good God, I leave and the show sucks. I predict a 5 star show tonight.
Why? Not because ‘Creative’ is going to be smart this week!
Because us ‘Smarts’ are going to be creative!
Welcome to the return of….
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight is:
As promised though, I give to you your DIVA FINALISTS!!!!! Next week, these 13 are knocked down to a FINAL 8!
BILL – The Un-American Bushwacker
HERNANDEZ – The All American Basham
JENNA – The All Canadian Bash
DANI – The All American Sleeper
ME – The Bashing All American
Now, let’s get to the show!!!!!!!!
LIVE FROM BUFFALO, NY!
So Cena had to swim with the sharks.. apparently Snitsky is a shark. I am upset that I missed my favorite type of gimmick match. (Yes, I love a good lumberjack match.) He F-U-s Snitsky and we start up.
Coming out first though is, accompanied by two security guards – KURT ANGLE!
Gold Medal Challenge
Kurt of course invites someone from the back for the challenge, and aren’t we all shocked as the show starts up with me smiling… Here comes Christy! I knew I missed Raw…
Kurt wants to start in a standard wrestling position.
“This might, in fact, lead to sex!” – Bill
Christy is in fact here to introduce her opponent. Cleveland’s ownnnn…
“Steamer?” – Me
KURT ANGLE vs. EUGENE
Eugene goes to hug everyone, sadly Kurt does not want a hug. As a matter of fact he’s not from Cleaveland. It doesn’t matter, he’s wearing a ‘Brown’ jersey. Kurt tells him he’s not from Cleveland. Eugene of course says ‘Yes I am’. No you’re not. Yes I am. No you’re not. Yes. No. Yes. No. Nice.
Kurt agrees to the challenge – and the match begins with a cheapshot.
Kurt starts off by ripping off Eugene’s jersey for a huge heel pop, and then choking him out with it. He picks up Eugene and a couple of stiff european uppercuts. Kurt follows up with a snap suplex, while Christy oozes sex outside the ring.
“I want Eugene to put him into the ankle lock.” – Bill
“Sadly this is only a 3 minute match” – Hernandez
At 1:30, Kurt keeps Eugene in the corner while he just breaks him with more uppercuts. Followed with some headshots onto the turnbuckle and here it comes..
HE IS TARDING UP WITH 45 SECONDS TO GO!
He clocks Kurt – goes for the Stunner – countered! :25 seconds.
Angle slam! :15 seconds. EUGENE REVERSES IT AT :07!!!!!
EUGENE WINS THE GOLD MEDALS!
Kurt runs in and Eugene charges out with Christy.
“He’s going to try and open them up to find the chocolate” – Bill & Hernandez
Tonight – Battle of the Bands & A Stretcher Match
Backstage Viscera is in the back .. with.. a .. err.. little Visc. A Viscera Midget.
“Apparently he didn’t flush last time.” – Hernandez
“Wow, that’s one hell of a floater.” – Bill
“I think he’s sporing.” – Me
“You haven’t seen Mo have you?” – Hernandez
“I want to see a fastball special…” – Bill
“If Lil Visc comes out and starts rapping.. I’m leaving…” – Me
“But you live here.” – Bill
“He’ll go play Katamari Damacy” – Hernandez
“Yeah, because that’s less weird…” – Bill
I still hate that we have to recap the last 30 seconds…
“Hey! Eugene can count backwards…” – Bill
Backstage, Eric Bischoff is grumping at the tv when John Cena comes up behind him. Bischoff should look at the positive – somebody in his family is a winner! Who does Cena think he is?! A jedi.. Michael J Fox.. Scott Baio!? Well, whatever, now he’s the champ and the champ is IN MY TV!
Bischoff knows Cena… he has seen his type before…
“Is he calling Cena ‘A black’.” – Me
Bischoff then pontificates to nobody in particular.. as Cena leaves when Eric’s back is turned.
“Hey! I can’t see him!” – Bill
VISCERA w/ CLOAKDAGGER vs. ANTONIO w/ POCKET ROCKET
In the ring, the Heartthrob’s have a midget in the ring. Apparently his name is ‘Pocket Rocket’. Here comes Viscera with ‘Cloacas’… well PR starts with Chloe. PR knocks down Chloe and then Antonio gets tagged in and tossed around the ring like.. well.. like a midget really.
“This is kinda f*cked up.. but I can’t turn away…” – Bill
“It’s like watching people fight Eugene” – Jenna
“Next a girl with wings sewn to her back” – Bill
“Yeah, but that would be hot.” – Me
Antonio airplane spins Chloe, and then misses on an elbow drop. Chlo crawls over and tags in Viscera. Some big hiptosses and then tosses Antonio over the top – and IN COMES POCKET ROCKET! He comes and beats the hell out of Viscera… and gets tired out. Visc lifts him up and tosses him off the top.
Antonio comes back in the ring, but Viscera slams him down. He goes on all fours, and Chloe runs in leaps on Viscera and splashes Antonio. Visc with the 1..2..3..
WINNER: Viscera w/ KRAKOA
The ambulence is being backed up, and then we go back to ringside where JR gives us a thought about Lord Alfred Hayes – with a very nice videopackage.
Lord Alfred will be missed.
1928 – 2005.
THANKS TO DICTIONARY.COM
1. A sewer or latrine.
—1. The common cavity into which the intestinal, genital, and urinary tracts open in vertebrates such as fish, reptiles, birds, and some primitive mammals.
—2. The posterior part of the intestinal tract in various invertebrates.
We come back with Shelton talking to Bischoff – Shelton wants that apple-biter in a NO DQ, NO COUNTOUT match so none of that cheating happens. What he will get.. people like him… like John Cena…
“Black people?!” – Bill
“That’s the sound of the man… workin on the chain… gaaaannnggg..” – Hernandez
Bischoff gives him a match versus Snitsky and Masters er something…
Here’s Boobage McTahtah interviewing Chris ‘My favorite Heel’ Jericho! Here comes Chris with his Bono glasses. Boobage LOVES Fozzy, and wants to know if any of the other muppets will be showing up tonight!
Jericho feels that he is a Hall of Famer being treated like Ashley Simpson. He is in fact, the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah! Cena is…. hip-hop, which is not in fact real music.
Next is the Battle of the Bands!
Lillian introduces the battle of the bands in the home of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.
“With two people who will NEVER be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” – Hernandez
“Unless they pay for a ticket.” – Bill
Out comes Cena – he’s on beat – he’s actually got some presence. There is also a huge C.G. light in the back. It’s pretty neat.
He’s in fact.. a bad man. I still hate his t-shirt.
“Luckily this isn’t a battle of the t-shirts.” – Bill
“With Vince McMahon on the turntables.” – Hernandez
“Wikkiwikkiwikki” – Bill
Now just as Cena ends, here comes Jericho.
“Do you think he’s going to do the Enraged Raspberry song?” – Me
As a note, Fozzy isn’t even out on stage.. it’s just Jericho. Chris didn’t like it. The worst thing about it was that the audience bought into it.
“PHILISTINES!” – Bill
Jericho feels that the crowd isn’t behind him, so he is pulling Fozzy from the contest. Heh – I love it! There was actually a Fozzy chant beneath it all. Jericho leaves though, proving he’s the true bad bad man.
We end up going to commercial with Cena singing his theme song. But first the divas are in the back dancing. Holy God, two are worth admission.. the rest can go away.
COMMERCIAL (This week on Hogan Knows Best.. crap.)
Oh! No commercial, Shawn comes out, picks up a comb, drops it, notices a zit and screams… MAAAAKEUP!
REAL COMMERCIAL THIS TIME
For the record – I don’t care how exploitive the new Summerslam commercial is. It’s hot. The end. GO away.
Backstage, Bischoff wants to talk to Carlito about John Cena. If he beats John Cena tonight, he gets a match for the title next week. Bischoff needs a special ref for the match.
“Not Hebner..” – Hernandez
The ref is of course… Chris Jericho… which is -cool-. Carlito gives Bischoff an apple – pulls one out of nowhere and leaves with a mouthful of apple.
“Greatest line of the night” Jenna on Carlito babbling with a mouth of apple.
In the ring though, here comes Shawn to a generally mixed crowd.
“Hogan is immortal, but Shawn is eternal. Michaels: 7:13” – Hernandez
“He’s the time warrior.” – Bill
“He’s got a herpie!” – Me
The crowd is confused as to where to cheer and boo, but I expected that. Michaels doesn’t want to be a rock star, or a rap star, or a tv star.. he just wants to be the greatest in-ring-star ever. Shawn discusses how he goes out 365 days a year to recreate himself. Hogan, of course, lives in a million dollar home.
“Just a million!?” – Hernandez
“Yeah, he lives in Jersey.” – Bill
“Does he live here?” – Hernandez
“JAMIE BRUTHER… WE NEED MORE TOILET PAPER!” – Bill
“What’s gonna happen with the 24 inch pythons need to wipe… YOU!” – Me
Michaels then “SHOOTS” about the truth on Hogan. How we’re not supposed to talk about the Hulkster. Michaels wants, in 20 years, people to look back and know who the all around cowboy was.
“Bob Orton?” – Me
“What is Hulk Hogan gonna do, when the Heartbreak Kid won’t lie down for YOU” – Shawn Michaels. He then mouthed -“Now I’m having some fun”- and -“Careful what you ask for Vince, you just might get it.”-
Wow, I forgot how much I missed heel Shawn and heel Jericho.
NEXT WEEK – THE EUGENE INVITATIONAL CHALLENGE!
In the ring – Gene Snitsky. His opponent iiiiiiisssss… Shelton Benajamin.
Gene’s tag partner…. CHRIS MASTERS!
“IT’S POWDERED TOOOASSSSST MAAAAAAAN” – Bill
Gene starts with Snitsky in the ring. Shelton gets tossed into the corner, but then reverses and sends Snitsky over the top! In comes Masters, and HE goes over the top. Shelton hits the top turnbuckle and 360!
“YAY I DIDN’T SLIP!” – Hernandez
Benjamin then Kong’s out and back in the ring Snitsky has gotten back in the ring with Masters and they are tagging back and forth beating down Shelton. Masters brings him down with a front face lock. Shelton fights out of it, then Masters tosses him to the ropes – Shelton ducks a clothesline and hits the samoan drop.
Shelton Splash, and while Masters distracts the ref, Gene comes in and boots the back of Shelton’s head and starts screaming ‘LOCK IT INNNNN LOCK IT INNNN!’
Masters then, of course… locks it in. Shelton goes with the ‘Slam him into the turnbuckle’ defense. Shelton goes to a knee… then fights up to his feet. Then goes back down. Hit the bell.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY LET MASTERS BEAT SHELTON!??!?!
WINNERS: MASTERS & SNITSKY
Shelton is STILL in the lock when finally the Big Show’s music comes on. Here comes the man, and he eats a boot from Snitsky – but hits the ropes and hits Snitsky with his own. Masters bail while Show checks on Shelton.
In the back, divas are on their way out. *yawn*
COMMERCIAL (Glenn Danzig IS Mindfreak)
Back in the ring – Divas.
Apparently Cameron was cut. I didn’t like her on Family Ties anyway.
“Shananana” – Me & Bill
Now we get a hotdog eating contest. The Rabble will do our best to not make any blow job jokes for the next 3 minutes. That is the James Hatton Rabble Challenge.
“Do you think that they are all going back and vomiting?” – Dani
“I always swallow..” – Bill
BILL’S OUT AT 20 SECONDS!
We have a tie.. so they go to sudden death. Umm… Layla wins.
Prediction for finals: ASHLEY vs. SUMMER.. why? Because that’s just the way it works.
Coming down to the ring now is Edge and Hot Evil Lita.
KANE vs. EDGE w/ LITA
Stretcher Match w/ Matt Hardy In The Ambulance
Before Edge even gets down to the ring, Kane charges in and beats him over the back of the head. He throws Edge in the ring and the match begins.
Edge tries to bail, but gets grabbed and tossed – as the Matt Hardy chant begins strong and loud. Edge grabs Kane and spins him around so the corner beatings are returned. Edge goes for the short spear – hits it, then the second time and gets kneed instead. Kane tosses Edge over the top rope.
“Hey Edge got a girly haircut!” – Dani
Kane tosses Edge into the stairs, into the guardrail, on top of the guardrail. Kane walks Edge around to the otherside and throws him into the second set of stairs. Kane then tries to put Edge on the stretcher.. succeeds, and chokes the hell out of him. He begins pulling the stretcher, but Edge starts chopping him. Kane sends a huge club to his chest – then lets go.
We come back with Edge choking out Kane. Apparently, he did some good things in the commercial. He brings Kane in and goes for a .. TWIST OF FATE?! HA! Kane reverses it dropping Edge face first.
Kane goes up to the top, and hits with the WAY HIGH Clothesline.
“The clothesline from Heaven?” – Hernandez
“Just the clothesline from ‘up'” – Bill
Lita comes in with a chair, and Kane rips it from him. As he spins around, Edge hits a spear and Kane rolls him onto the stretcher. Edge goes to beat him down, but Kane grabs him by the throat. He stands up to the ring apron – and WHAM!
Lita with a kendo stick.
“She’s all like ‘what?!'” – Dani
Edge gets the kendo stick and as Kane comes in WHACK! right to the top of his head, and Kane’s cut the hard way. Edge grabs the chair…
“PILLMANIZE… PILLMANIZE!” – Hernandez
He sets up for Pillmanization! Edge climbs up to the top, but Kane gets up with the chair in hand and EL-KABONG! Edge crawls up to the apron, and gets grabbed in the throat – chokeslam ONTO the stretcher.. which in fact is now broken.
Kane tries to put Edge back onto the stretcher… which is obviously broken… Lita, dumbly, whacks Kane with the Money In The Bank Case. Kane sighs, chases her, grabs her throat – and …….. ANOTHER briefcase to the back, this time from Edge. THe crowd is going NUTS for Hardy now.
Edge and Lita now both pull Kane onto the stretcher…. they pull him up… and right before the line he sits up – grabs Lita by the throat – but HOLY CRACK! Edge uses the briefcase AGAIN! Holy hell he hit him hard.
He pulls up the stretcher…..
WINNER: EDGE w/ LITA
The win doesn’t last long as Kane sits up – tosses Edge, and TOMBSTONES LITA!
“Hey Jamie, just how you like em’… unconcious” – Jen
“Hey if you look beneath the great, it’s Mohammad!” – Hernandez
Oh, as Edge is checking on Lita.. HEY WHO IS THAT GUY!?
The mystery guy comes out and beats the hell out of Edge. They apparently know each other as Edge screams ‘FUCK YOU!’ and the mystery guy screams ‘YOU ARE A DEAD MAN!’
“Wouldn’t it be cool if they had a Tables Ladders and Chairs match?” – Dani
“My heart just skipped a beat.” – Me
So who WAS that mystery guy?
“Jamie… it was Matt Hardy.” – Dani
“YOu know.. brother.. Jeff.” – Hernandez
I have no idea what those guys are talking about.
“That’s because you are dumb.” – Dani
“I won’t believe it until they tell me who it is.” – Me
Back behind with the ambulance – Kane kills a few EMTs – a few security guards. Kane then drives the ambulance away…
We get a package of Hogan..
Coming down first…. BREAK THE WALLS DOWWWWWWN!
“He kinda looks like Nick Patrick!” – Hernandez
Next… HE SPITS IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT COO’!
Sign of the night: “CARLITO TOOK MY APPLE – That’s not cool”
Finally… HE’S A BAAD BAAD MAN….
JOHN CENA vs. CARLITO
Special Guest Ref: Chris Jericho
Bischoff is at the top of the key watching on as the bell rings.
Cena and Carlito lock up after a long staring phase. John forces it to the corner – Carlito spins it around, but Cena grabs Carlito and tosses him into the ropes HUGE back body drop. Carlito gets up and gets tossed, but a back elbow sends Cena to the otuside.
They fight as Jericho counts on the inside. Carlito brings in a chair, but Chris takes it away – by the time they are done arguing over it – Cena hits the clothesline and gets a two count. Cena tosses Carlito in the corner, he charges and eats an elbow. He spins around and Carlito swings – Cena blocks – and a bodyslam for 2 from Cena.
Carlito gets up and starts hitting him square in the face, a few stiff punches get Carlito a 2 count. CCC hits a snap suplex. He asks Jericho to count fast as he pins for 2. As CCC is picking up Cena, John fights out of it – John is irish whipped into the ropes and eats a flapjack for another 2. Carlito puts him in a headlock–
“He’s got them Krispy Kreme Eyes” – Bill (who else says that?)
Cena gets up to his feet, and gets tossed in the corner, as he turns around he eats a perfect dropkick for 2. Carlito hits a neckbreaker for ANOTHER 2 count. CCC then starts stomping and kicking John in the head. The crowd starts chanting Cena as CCC goes for a suplex, it’s blocked and CENA hits it.
They fight to their feet. Cena with a knee to Carlito. Carlito with an eyerake to Cena – Carlito then hits him with an inverse rock bottom leg sweek russian thingy. Cena went with it though….
Cena now starts to pick up with the punches, and as John hits the ropes – CCC lifts the knee and Cena goes down for 2 AGAIN! Back to their feet AGAIN! The fists exchange AGAIN! I kind of dig the psychology of this match – but Cena finally gets the upper hand with HUGE hits, and the big clotheslines. John tosses CCC to the ropes and the big hiptoss. Follows up with a neat spinning powerbomb thingy. He catches the ‘Apple Eating’ 5 Knuckle Shuffle!
Cena goes for the F U – aaaaaand JERICHO BALLS HIM! Y2J hits the bulldog. He hits the Lionsault, and Carlito crawls on for the pin.
WINNER: CARLITO CARRIBEAN COOL!
Outside Jericho goes and holds the belt.
“SPIN IT… SPIN IT!!!!” – Hernandez
“Wikkiwikkiwikki” – Bill
The show ends with Bischoff, Carlito, and Jericho at the top of the key and Cena grumpy in the middle of the ring.
Not a bad show overall, so I guess it really is a matter that the Rabble wasn’t around. That’s my opinion – what did the rest of the Rabble think?
Jenna – “Lita looks hot unconcious.”
Bill – “Better than the last two.. and I was summoning wrestlers like a God!”
Hernandez – “This is a tribute to the greatest Rabble in the world… no, this is not the greatest Rabble in the world.. this is just a tribute.”
Dani – “I totally got points to make up that I didn’t pick for two weeks.”
And that.. is .. that…
This week you guys can’t vote on the Rabble Divas, but next week it’s all going to happen on the forums. Tell me what you think of our Divas at email@example.com