The RAW Ross Report – 25th July 2005

The awesomeness meter, this week depicted through Great American Bash related effect:

A – Not having watched the GAB
B – Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio
C – The Mexicools – capable of so, so much more
D – Orlando Fucking Jordan beating Chris Benoit
E – DQ endings to PPV main events

Match One: Kurt Angle vs Eugene – Angle invitational

Angle hands Eugene his ass for 2 minutes, Eugene gets a couple of licks in, Angle fires back with the Angleslam and then goes for the Ankle Lock, which Eugene flips out of, sending Kurt to the outside where he stays until time expires and Eugene wins the Gold Medals.

The Verdict:

They could have done a lot worse with the payoff to the overly-lengthy Angle invitational segment. They could have done better too – I would have loved to see Daniel Puder come out and bring up when he nearly broke Kurt’s arm in half on Smackdown, plus bringing Puder to RAW would give Bisch something to gloat to Teddy about, especially since Ted paid a million for him. Still, this got a good pop, was feelgood and Christy Hemme nearly fell out of her top repeatedly, so you can’t really ask for much more than that.

John Cena and Eric Bischoff converse backstage, Cena attempts humour again and fails miserably, Bischoff goes off on a rant during which, unbeknownst to the viewer and Bischoff, Cena buggers off. Waste of a few minutes.

Match Two: Viscera and Cloacas vs Antonio and Pocket Rocket

You’ve got to love midgets – especially a midget who mimics the Heart Throbs. To end this bout, Cloacas clambers up on top of Vis, on all fours, and splashes Antonio. Vis makes the cover for the win.

The Verdict:

This one just about scrapes past the acceptable mark on account of Pocket Rocket’s amusing dancing efforts and the silly but fun “sorry mate, give me a second, I’m knackered” segment with Vis. Aside from that, pure filler and those Heart Throbs sure aren’t going anywhere… not sure where they’re going with Vis either, since he’s not particularly popular and the Godfather doesn’t seem to be coming back any time soon, which is really sad.

Shelton Benjamin and Eric Bischoff converse backstage, Benjamin attempts to be hard and witty and fails miserably. Not a good night for people sharing screentime with Eric.

John Cena performs the first verse of Bad Bad Man and then wanders around for another 2 minutes while the other two people in his posse finish the song off. I don’t know why they credit the song to John Cena, Trademarc does just as much if not more than him and Bumpy Knuckles carries the whole song. At the least, the song should be attributed to the “Chain Gang”, sad as that is. Either way, Cena looked like a royal prat here. Jericho strolls out afterwards, cancels Fozzy’s involvement and harps on to the crowd about how they’re biased and, frankly, little turds. Well said that man. Good heel reaction for Jericho tonight and he worked a little harder than usual to get it.

The Diva Search rolls on as the lanky streak of piss, Cameron, who showed absolutely no aptitude for ANYTHING in her time on RAW, gets eliminated three weeks too late. They then have a hot dog eating contest, which is retarded at best and only made worse by the fact that they could probably only go slower if they were to use knives and forks. They should just have them all felate the Coach one at a time and whoever he spunks on the most wins. Tune in next week to see Kristal voted off for being useless (or, if that doesn’t happen, it’ll be Summer for being less attractive than the rest). Ashley so totally has this in the bag because a/ she’s looks like she might mix it up a little in the ring b/ she looks like she might suck you off for 50p and a bag of grapes c/ she’s got that whole tomboy thing going on, which is the closest thing to character on offer and d/ she’s got the biggest tits.

Shawn Michaels continues the theme of all talk and no walk by banging on about Hogan being a tired, boring relic. You know, you could have taken this interview and put it back in 1990 and it STILL would have been as pertinent. I’m not sure who that’s saddest for, so we’ll say… me. Michaels then says that he’s reverting back to the “old HBK”. Oh joy, does that mean crotch-stuffing, turning up ripped to the tits on booze and class A drugs and refusing to do anything that could possibly benefit anyone other than him or his mates?

Match Three: Shelton Benjamin vs Chris Masters and Gene Snitsky

Snitsky, growing bored of looking on, boots Shelton in the back of the head and Masters slams on the Masterlock, which Benjy fights for a good minute before succumbing to the boredom and the ref stops the match.

The Verdict:

Better than a regular Masters match, as Shelton got a big move from the top to the outside and some other such malarkey in there, but a Masters match is a Masters match. Not sure where they’re going from here, no doubt we’ll have Snitsky and Masters vs Big Show and Shelton next week, complete with Show pinning Snitsky again. I’ve just looked into the crystal ball and it says to me that Masters is going to build up to the Masterlock Challenge with The Big Show, slap it on and Show is actually NOT going to be able to break it. They’ll have a series of matches and Chris will lose some and win some but still come out with Show never having broken the Masterlock – the person who is the first to escape the Masterlock will quite obviously be the returning Triple H – heck, it could simply be breaking the Masterlock that will turn him face. You heard it here first folks!

Match Four: Edge vs Kane

Lots of brawling on the runway, culminating in the use of that damn briefcase to assist Edge in sedating the big red lug and carting him over the finish line. Post-match sees Kane tombstone Lita at the top of the ramp and then, once he’s wandered off, Matt Hardy jumps Edge and we have an energetic pull apart brawl and much bad language.

The Verdict:

Enjoyable more for the aftermath than the match itself but it was certainly a smidge above average. Now please can we remove Lita from the scene after the “neck injury” (sack her, she has no place on WWE TV, adds little to Edge and is going to be a bone of contention forevermore, she can’t wrestle and she always gets hurt), throw Kane into something interesting – presumably the feud with The Boogeyman who, in case you didn’t know, is Marty Wright, the guy who lied about his age on the recent Tough Enough. Then we can get on with Matt Hardy vs Edge at SummerSlam in some form of unsanctioned match, Hardy wins, Edge gets the World Belt off Batista at the end of the show and moves to Smackdown, Bischoff makes up for the loss of Edge and all of his kayfabed booking commitments by signing Hardy in his place. Bingo.

Match Five: John Cena vs Carlito – Chris Jericho as special referee

You know the drill – punch, kick, pin attempt, punch, kick, hiptoss, punch, pin attempt, kick, pin attempt, quick nap, pin attempt, hopscotch, pin attempt, brief game of Trivial Pursuit, pin attempt, dodgy back suplex to sort of powerbomb thing, The Wank (hey, that’s what the 5 knuckle shuffle is on more than one level), attempted F-U, Jericho kicks Cena in the nuts, bulldog, Lionsault and Carlito covers for the win.

The Verdict:

After what I’ve recently written about Carlito’s lack of ability and how a few squash matches might give us a chance to “get to know him”, I was tickled pink by the fact that he didn’t even get to use a finisher in the match, merely letting Jericho’s finish do the job for him. That’s exceptionally sad in the IC champ and, sadder still, I STILL don’t know what Carlito’s finisher actually is. I hope it’s not that shitty Flatliner effort he threw out there. When the guest referee is the highlight of the match, you’re in trouble.

The Overall Verdict: C

Another in a series of dreary RAWs, although the first 20 minutes kept my attention nicely enough. After that, it started to go downhill and the talky and “singy” sections just killed my motivation. Cena followed by Michaels doesn’t work for me, I’m afraid. Maybe it would if it was Cena following Michaels out the door and onto the unemployment line. Angle/Eugene could be of some use at SummerSlam, so I’m keeping an open mind and Angle’s promo next week should be excellent if they let him bust free, but the rest of the RAW matches for SS aren’t of much interest, even HBK/Hogan – to be fair, the only reason I’m interested in that is to see whether Shawn can drag Hulk to something that is worth higher than a C grade and I’m putting money on the answer being no. The wrestling on offer this week was acceptable, with Edge and Kane doing a little better than last week with their heated scuffle, the early matches weren’t much to write home about but at least were short and inoffensive and the main event was toss, probably because it featured two guys who have about 6 moves between them.

The Grades

C+

Pocket Rocket – a midget air-humping like the Heart Throbs? Who are you to resist!

Shelton Benjamin – a nice somersault senton to the floor and decent effort at working with the Masterlock to make it look interesting.

Edge – slightly more energy than usual in his match this week = slightly higher grade

Kane – as above, and the Tombstone on the stage spot was cool – and, more importantly, safe

Chris Jericho – far more credible than Cena, good work in establishing himself as a very firm heel in the equation, especially when Cena is getting a weaker face reaction by the week

C

No commentary, since C is the average grade – as such, all below put in nothing more or less than inoffensive and standard performances.

Kurt Angle
Eugene
Viscera
Cloacas
Antonio
Chris Masters
John Cena
Gene Snitsky
Shawn Michaels
Eric Bischoff

D

Carlito – Waddling around looking like he’s taken a dump in his shorts, going for covers after every couple of punches and STILL not having a discernable finisher. I just can’t see what anyone sees in the dull as hell IC champ.