Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by White Castle, which, along with Gatorade is second to none in curing a nasty hangover.
This column marks my two-year anniversary. In other news, the S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team has been very successful in turning up clues as to the whereabouts of our former compatriot. Our goal is to have procured Woo by mid-August. The team is currently doing a very good job in South Wiziristan, where they have lost hundreds of their soldiers and officers. We were also able to get a hold of O.J. Simpson, who took the time out of his busy schedule in finding the real killers to help us with our own search.
Warren Woo, possibly pictured here on a tortilla in Iowa, has been spotted over 150,000 times in the past 3 weeks.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (FAQs EDITION)
Is That_Bootleg_Guy as much fun to work with as he is to read?
Sure, mostly because we get to read him on the staff forums, too…
I’ve only got six minutes left in my lunch hour…keep giving me reasons to post, you bastards!
What is Shawn M. Smith‘s favorite recipe?
Meatball and Potato Casserole
2 pounds potatoes, peeled and quartered
1 1/2 pound small white onions
1 cup baby carrots
1 package frozen peas, thawed
2 pounds ground chuck
1 cup soft breadcrumbs
3/4 teaspoon dried marjoram
2 teaspoons salt
3/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
2/3 cup milk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 pound sliced mushrooms
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) condensed cream of mushroom soup
3/4 teaspoon nutmeg
3/4 teaspoon Gravymaster or Kitchen Bouquet gravy sauce
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Place potatoes, onions, and carrots in a large saucepan; add about an inch of water. Cover and cook for about 20 minutes, until just crisp-tender. Add peas; cover and turn off heat.
In a large bowl, gently mix chuck with egg, breadcrumbs, marjoram, salt, Worcestershire sauce, and milk. Heat oil in large skillet; drop meat mixture by rounded teaspoonfuls into the hot oil; brown quickly on all sides. Remove with slotted spoon and set aside. To the same skillet, add mushrooms; sautÃƒÂ© until tender; remove. Drain off excess fat; add soup to skillet with nutmeg, gravy sauce, onion powder, and garlic powder.
Preheat oven to 425Ã‚Â°. Arrange peas, onions, mushrooms, and meatballs in a lightly greased 3-quart casserole. Pour in sauce near edge of casserole.
Mash and season the potatoes; arrange around the edge of casserole; brush with a little milk. Bake casserole for about 35 minutes, until potatoes are browned and casserole is bubbly.
Does Mathan Erhardt really look like Craig David, or is that just a publicity stunt?
I’m not sure if it’s publicity stunt or not, but we here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet were able to procure an EXCLUSIVE TOP SECRET picture of Mathan that’s never been seen before except maybe one or two times on the music main page…
Actually, no, I couldn’t find it, but it doesn’t look anything like Craig David.
What is Michael Chadwick‘s favorite color?
What is D’Estroyer‘s one weakness?
Tear gas. Don’t tell him I told you, though.
How can a get a date with Gloomchen?
That Kyle David Paul is really good writer. Does Microsoft Systems Management Server (SMS) 2003 use Server Message Block (SMB) or Background Intelligent Transfer Service (BITS) to download software to clients?
Whether SMS uses SMB or BITS to download software depends on which one the distribution point that the client is connecting to supports and how the application is being installed. To be able to use BITS (which allows checkpoint restarts of downloads and bandwidth throttling), the distribution point must have Microsoft IIS installed and WWW Distributed Authoring and Versioning (WebDAV) and BITS enabled. SMS will use BITS only if (a) you’ve configured the application as “download and execute,” which means the installation files for the program are first sent to the machine, and the application is then installed from the local cached copy of the installation files, or (b) the client has sufficient cache to store the complete package data. And yeah, Kyle David Paul is pretty good.
NEWS TO USE
As the runner-up for “The Most Ridiculous Item of the Week,” former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan is said to have “thrown a wobbly” while performing a show in Melbourne, Australia, after the audience began chastising his crappy solo material. One fan yelled, “play some Pumpkins,” to which Corgan replied, “Can I live my life for today?” Another audience member shouted, “we want rock,” and Corgan told him to go get a refund. Corgan finally pulled a Widro, though, and reaching his boiling point when another fan yelled for him to play Pumpkins, at which time he shouted, “f*ck this,” and stormed off the stage. The funny part in all of this is that less than a month ago, Billy Corgan took out a full-page ad in the Chicago Tribune that said, “I want my band back.” Whether or not this was meant to refer to his wanting to reunite the Smashing Pumpkins, this incident just cements my previous sentiment that Billy Corgan is a whiny bald-headed crybaby, and should be known as such from this point on.
Maybe "I want my band back" was referring to the Blue Man Group... Hey, they do have a Chicago franchise. In any event, I dub thee "The Whiny Bald-Headed Crybaby."
Prudential Securities Financial Services will be auctioning off the ownership rights to several TVT Records albums on August 17. The label presented numerous albums, including Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine, as well as titles by KMFDM, Gravity Kills, Television’s Greatest Hits compilations, and the Mortal Kombat soundtracks, as collateral for $32 million loan it was approved for in 1999. However, it was only able to pay off $10 million of that amount, and Prudential subsequently took the label to court, charging TVT with defaulting on the loan. As a result, it will be auctioning off the titles, which it currently owns. Trent was said to be riddled with angst upon hearing this news.
Sony BMG Music admitted last Friday that some of its employees had engaged in “wrong and improper” practices and agreed to pay $10 million to settle a payola probe spearheaded by New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. The investigation revealed that representatives for the label had given cash, CDs, and electronics to certain radio stations in exchange for more airplay of Sony BMG artists. “We need to investigate each particular instance that Spitzer has uncovered to see if it is a violation of federal law. This is a potentially massive scandal,” the FCC’s Jonathan Adelstein said. “I mean, Spitzer was right to be suspicious when Hot 97 featured 18 straight hours of music by Yo-Yo Ma on April 7.”
Singer Mindy McCready was released from a Florida hospital on Tuesday, after allegedly attempting suicide. She was discovered unconscious in the lobby of the Holiday Inn Harborside at Indian Rock Beach, Florida, last Friday by local police. McCready was found with William McKnight, her estranged boyfriend, who was also charged with attempted criminal homicide earlier this year after having assaulted her a few weeks after the two broke up. McKnight told the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Department that the singer had ingested copious amounts of two different controlled substances, as well as a large amount of alcohol, and had left a four-page suicide note, which was turned over to police. A Pinellas County spokesman would not specify which substances McCready had taken, although he told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that she had “pulled off a 0.9 on the Courtney Love Scale.”
Several artists including Misfits, The Vandals, Dead Boys, Gorilla Biscuits, Thursday, Against Me!, Liars, Chevelle, and Living Colour have agreed to perform in a series of benefit concerts set up to help raise money to keep New York’s legendary CBGB venue open, in spite of its landlord planning to close the club on August 31 when the club’s owner’s lease runs out. The Bowery Residents Committee, a non-profit organization that helps aid the homeless, owns the building, and wants to evict CBGB after raising the rent, claiming that it is owed more than $80,000 in back rent. It looks as if the club will still be closed as scheduled, although the aforementioned bands are hoped to raise enough money to pay off the debt, and Elvis Costello, Sting, Social Distortion, MotÃƒÂ¶rhead, GBH, and other artists have donated items for a fundraising auction. David Byrne of the Talking Heads, and Steven Van Zandt of the E Street Band have also agreed to chip in by helping CBGB owner Hilly Kristal with negotiations with the BRC next month. “CBGBs supports the BRC’s fight to help the homelessÃ¢â‚¬â€we just want our lease renewed to keep this historic venue in its original place,” Kristal told reporters, while CBGB spokesman Scott Goodstein explained that moving the club would be out of the question. “You can’t move the stage and the club that so many bands played on and were launched from,” he said. “I mean, CBs is the Bowery. The only place that that type of New York energy could take place and be expressed in is the Bowery. You know, the kind of energy currently brought by such legendary acts as Mest and Shania Twain.”
T-Boz and Chilli recently told reporters that the number one criterion that they’ll be looking at in finding the replacement for the late Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopez on their new reality series, R U the Girl With T-Boz and Chilli, is “no stinking hoes.” Monica Jenkins, of Tallahassee, Florida, was happy to hear this because she is stinking, but not a ho, while Latanya Adams, of Houston, was happy to hear this because she is a ho but not stinking.
Ryan McCombs, the former singer of Soil, has become the new singer for Drowning Pool, whose lead singer Jason “Gong” Jones (who had replaced the late Dave Williams after he died in 2002) had left the band this past June. McCombs, who will be performing with Drowning Pool on this year’s incarnation of Ozzfest, is also helping put together the band’s third album, which is scheduled for release this upcoming winter. In the meantime, Soil is apparently upset with McCombs for teaming up with Drowning Pool, as bassist Tim King told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that he would be “singing the very songs he hailed as ‘average’.” He also added that Soil is better off with their new singer A.J. Cavalier, although the band is still pretty mediocre and will probably never do anything of note. He then curled up into a fetal position and started bawling like a child.
Damon Albarn, of Blur and Gorillaz, recently slammed Babyshambles/Libertines singer/problem child Pete Doherty after being disgusted with his performance at Live 8’s London show. “The concert was all about raising awareness, but Pete looked like he was having trouble raising his own awareness. He looked wasted,” Albarn grated. “With Africa, we’re talking about a nation battling through immense poverty and hardship, and he can’t quite get it together to sing a song.” After hearing Albarn’s comments, Doherty did a whole bunch of heroin and beat the shit out of a potted plant.
Crap-rapper Project Pat (nÃƒÂ© Patrick Houston) was released from prison on Thursday after having served a three-year sentence for felony possession of a firearm. He had been convicted after police found two revolvers in his SUV during a traffic stop, while Houston had already been on parole for aggravated robbery. He will be under supervision for another three years.
Patrick Sherry, the lead singer of Brit-rock band Bad Beat Revue, fell off of the stage during a performance at the Warehouse in Leeds on July 20, sustaining fatal head and neck injuries. The singer, whose band was played as part of the Club NME night, was taken to Leeds General Infirmary, where he died the next day.
Country singer Dierks Bentley was invited to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry on Tuesday during a performance at the House of Blues in Los Angeles. Bentley, who had a hit single this year, with “Lot of Leavin’ Left to Do,” accepted the offer, and will be formally inducted on October 1.
Courtney Love recently told Spin magazine that Dave Grohl, former bandmate of her deceased husband Kurt Cobain, has “been taking money from my child for years. By ‘my child,’ I mean, of course, ‘my drug dealer.'”
Long Beach mayor Beverly O’Neill announced that next week will be Warren G Week, an appreciation of all of the rapper’s charity work in the community, including buying Christmas presents for underprivileged children and setting up a basketball program to keep kids off the street. As part of the proceedings, Warren G will perform a concert in the hangar of the Queen Mary.
American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson will be part of a contest running at Meijer department stores in the next month, in which the grand prize is to be able to accompany her on tour for a week. The contest, which also offers $500 shopping sprees, however, is only open to students. In a related story, Widro has enrolled in grad school.
A piece of paper with John Lennon’s handwritten lyrics of “All You Need Is Love” sold for $1 million at an auction in London this week. In other news, I bought $37 worth of beer on Saturday. I rule.
Moby recently told reporters for The Associated Press, “Honestly, if [Eminem] retired, I think the world of music would be a poorer place. He’s a really fascinating public figure.” He then proceeded to make out with Paul Oakenfold, while 50 Cent jealously stared at them across the room.
Singer Elton John has announced that he will be following in the footsteps of Simon & Garfunkel and Paul McCartney, by playing a free show on September 3 on the Via dei Fori Imperiali, outside of the Colosseum in Rome.
Interpol will be re-releasing their 2004 album, Antics, on August 23. Antics: The Special Edition, will not only contain the original disc, but also a second disc with the previously unreleased “Song Seven,” along with some exclusive remixes and music videos.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
Joe Strummer – Walker
Walker is Joe Strummer’s debut solo album recorded after his split from the band who he sang “London Calling” and “Rock The Casbah” with and before his formation of his subsequent group The Mescaleros.
After years being a de facto spokesman for punk rock, Strummer’s stunning mix of jazz, folk and Latin instrumentals and his vocal tracks had many reviews unexpectedly impressed with the album’s depth and breadth. NME reviewer Gavin Martin noted, “You may be a bit stunned and staggered at first (I was) to find the man with the demon bark and three chord bite has composed every note here. But from lustrous samba percussion, through flamenco horns and country inflections, it’s all gorgeously effective and superbly detailed.” Melody Maker seconded, proclaiming “Strummer’s done it — recorded an album he can be proud of and we’re proud to like.”
Now this “lost” Joe Strummer solo album gets a proper reissue with the addition of three rare bonus tracks.
Turin Brakes – JackInABox
Turin Brakes are on the road again the first time in years, playing in many cities for the first time with a full band. (Astralwerks homegrown artists West Indian Girl are opening up for them to erotic response). Garnering 4 stars in Mojo Magazine, their new album JackInABox is as beautiful and evocative as an open road, filled with shards of country sunshine, bossa nova rhythms, even Outkast-style handclaps! And they truly shine live and in person.
Get a preview of the CD HERE.
West Indian Girl – West Indian Girl
West Indian Girl are on tour with Turin Brakes this summer, creating their magical sonic atmospheres on stages across the nation. Here’s a band that is finally, after a long wait, taking their live show to the masses and it’s NOT to be missed. If you haven’t had the opportunity to get to know LA’s finest, now is the time.
7/29 Seattle WA – Crocodile
7/30 Portland OR – Doug Fir Lounge
8/01 San Francisco CA – Great American
8/03 Los Angeles CA – Troubadour
8/04 Los Angeles CA – Troubadour
8/05 San Diego CA – Casbah
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our Publicity Department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our Publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
U2, “I Will Follow”
Talk Talk, “It’s My Life”
Outside, “Blue Skies”
The Rock*A*Teens, “Please Don’t Go Downtown Tonight”
Beth Orton, “Central Reservation” (The Then Again Version)
Wolfsheim, “Once in a Lifetime”
Musto & Bones, “Dangerous on the Dancefloor”
Erykah Badu, “On & On”
Night Ranger, “Sister Christian”
Nine Inch Nails, “Down In It”
Space, “Female of the Species”
Oasis, “Champagne Supernova”
Ours, “Kill the Band”
The Human League, “Don’t You Want Me?”
Frankie Valli, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”
Faith Evans, “Love Like This”
Everything But the Girl, “Blame”
Joe Jackson, “Steppin’ Out”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Edging out the Whiny Bald-Headed Crybaby story, singer Christina Aguilera is said to be partaking in a some odd new age diet, which is said to be based on “the color and texture of the food.” According to reports, each meal must be made of for different foods: one of which must be crunchy, one of which must be soft, one of which must be hot, and one of which must be cold. Also, the food items must be of bold colors, and must be contrasting of each other’s colors. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of in my entire life.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and my baby does the hanky-panky.