Oh you know it’s time…
You’ve waited all week…
In your boredom, you went and actually read Harry Potter…
Now you know what it looks like in Hermionie’s Chamber of Secrets…
You had to get pennicilin for your Quid-itch, but not a single person is going to touch you with those Hogwartz all over your Snitch.
So, turn to page 396, and get ready for the only wrestling show that you want to write slash fiction about.
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Now before we get to the festivities, let’s get to the matter of the Diva Contest:
So go check out the IP Forum boards and vote on who you want to remain. Next week we are down to four!
TO THE RABBLE –
Joining us isssss…..
A man who has yet to master his Patronus – Bill (Who voted off the Warcraft guy)
A girl who was voted head Prefect – Jenna (Who voted off the dog)
A guy who thinks Hagrid is sexy – Hernandez (Who voted off the sunglasses guy)
The girl who refers to me as ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ – Dani
(Who voted off red-headband guy)
And me, who voted off labret piercing boy. (Who was IP’s own Dustin
And for one night only, the most talkative guy ever, an old friend who is in the state for a few days… JESSE!
Hernandez starts me off with a rumor that none other than Tatanka might be showing up tonight! Given that they are at the Mohegan Sun tonight – they want to..
JAMIE: start a casino?
promote the whole Native American side.
Anyway, the show starts and here comes Chris Jericho!
“What’s with the southern look tonight, I kinda like it!” – Dani
“Deliverance Jericho!” – Hernandez
He comes into the ring, more or less dressed like Stone Cold —
“Ey?” – Bill
“Aboot what?” – Dani
He is here to discuss his plan to get a belt off of John Cena. Apparently, Cena’s rap last week was ‘Stinkeroo’?
“What is he from Shiny Time Station?!” – Dani
“Reading Rainbow of the North” – Bill
Jericho shows us a video package, “Monkey’s in the truck… show the footage!” So Carlito wins with the help of Jericho – so now Cena has to defend his title tonight against Carlito.
“Does Jericho have his lines written on the inside on his glasses?” – Hernandez
“No! Then he’d be talking backwards!” – Me
Jericho promises that he is going to walk out of Summerslam the champ, and it will be nothing like how he kicked him in the plums last week. OH! Here comes Cena! The war in the midst of the ring begins, and Bischoff shortly follows to get it to stop.
“With those two black eyes, Jericho really can’t see him” – Jenna
Jericho rolls out and leaves, and Bischoff is promising that his title run will end tonight. Another special guest ref for tonight’s match… shocker… Chris Jericho! Now for the record, during this entire bit, Jericho is answering back to Bischoff’s statements. Pretty amusing.
“YOu know some guy in the back is sitting there talking to his friend – ‘So, I couldn’t think of what to do next week… so guess what I did… GUESS WHAT I DID! It’s the SAME SHOW!” – Bill
So tonight –
Cena vs. Carlito
Vince with his big announcement.
“Vince’s suit brought to you from the 70’s” – Hernandez
“Just because a man likes tweed doesn’t make him bad.” – Me
And career highlights from Shawn Michaels!
“Was that just Shawn Michael’s lifting up his pants?” – Bill
“DX Hazing days” – Jenna
“Ahhhh…” – Bill
So here he comes.. it is Powdered Toast Man (as Bill & Hernandez refers)
Chris Masters! Captain Stiff McHardpunch.
“He is the definition…. of tooootally gay” – Dani
His tag team partner, is it’s Not His Fault himself – Gene Snitsky.
Their opponents Shelton Benjamin and of course….. THE BIG SHOW.
To start, Big Show grabs Shelton and throws him over the top rope… Shelton near slips once again!
“Was it Snitsky’s fault?” – Dani
Shelton starts in with Masters. Shelton takes it to Masters quickly, and a tag to Big Show. Masters stumbles right into Snitsky, tagging him in. So now we get to watch as Big Show tossing Snitsky around the ring. HUGE chop. The big headbutt. The boot to his throat.
The Big Show goes for the old indy bit.. he shushes up the crowd, then chops Snitsky like an SOB. Irish whip and a clothesline over the top rope sends Snitsky out. In runs Masters with a big press slam from ring to ground.
Back in the ring Shelton is in with Snitsky. He slams him to the corner and goes for the splash, and eats a boot from Snitsky. Snitsky rolls out to tag Masters, and then Masters takes it to Shelton with big forearms, and a bearhug!
“COME ON! HOLLA’ UP!” – Me
Shelton gets out, hits the ropes and eats a NICE powerslam on the part of Masters. A tag to Snitsky, and Gene goes to town on Shelty, with a couple of near pinfalls. Shelton finally puts him in a cobra clutch-ish sleeperhold, the crowd stomping along, and Shelton gets to his feet – but then EATS the huge spinebuster from Gene.
Tag to Masters – tag to Snitsky. Double shortarm clothesline. In comes Big Show though, no tag – no rhyme – no reason… a couple big clotheslines and Shelton has at least a moment to compose himself.. oh, until Snitsky curb stomps him. Tag to Masters, and Shelton comes out of nowhere reversing a neckbreaker, going for a backslide – but Masters spins it around with a short arm clothesline.
Masters goes for a suplex, and it’s reversed into a neckbreaker! Now we move slowly.. ever so slowly.. for the hot tag! Snitsky grabs his leg, but he in fact still gets the tag! In comes Show, he just plows through the boys like you would expect him to. Including a double shoulderblock.
Shelton rolls out of the ring with Masters, and Big Show gets the chokeslam on Snitsky (after a no sold boot to his face).
“Is Lillian going to hit on him now.. she seems to like them big” – Dani
WINNERS: Shelton & Big Show
Coming up next is – the greatest thing since ‘Life Goes On’ got a boxset… the Eugene Invitational.
“Well at least the Eugene match will be better than that Rosie O Donnell movie” – Dani
“But not as good as the Rosie Invitational…” – Bill
Coming down to the ring, with a f*cking retard… it’s Christy in a cheerleader outfit!!! Christ, I officially no longer miss Sunny.
“So far.. way better than the Angle Invitational ever was…” – Bill
His opponent is the ‘Hometown hero…’ IT’S… KURT AN… Awww.. it IS Kurt Angle.
“I was REALLY hoping for Tatanka” – Me
As Dani sings the ‘Fantasy song’ of ‘Dani points’ instead of ‘You suck’ – Angle enters the ring and grabs the microphone. Eugene interrupts him with a few times with “WHAT’S YOUR NAME AND WHERE ARE YOU FROM!” I repeat, you people are wrong… Eugene rules!
So last week was pretend, since Eugene was “From” Cleveland. This week is, in fact, real! So what kind of hometown hero should we expect, asks Kurt.. Tatanka. SO HERE IN FACT COMES TATANKA! WITH MUSIC! WITH HEADDRESS! WITH A BIT OF PUDGE AROUND HIS WAIST!
“umm.. who is this?” – Dani
We explain, and I have to say that Tatanka looks pretty good, a little weighty, but there is definate some muscle a little work and he’d be pretty badass.
The Eugene Clock begins.
“I want it to count wrong.” – Me
“It should count up.” – Bill
Lock up and Tatanka drops him with a shoulderblock. Two count. Eugene gets him up with a hiptoss and another two count. Eugene wraps him up with an armlock, reversed by Chavez and dropped him down. A technical exchange with the arm bars and hiptosses.
“I want him to lose, and one tear to fall down his eye.” – Bill
Eugene tosses Tatanka into the corner.. Tatanka’s breasts jiggle. Oh, hey Christy. Nice timing. Tatanka clubs Eugene and then heads to the top, and hits a flying tomahawk chop (1:00). Tatanka goes for the samoan drop, but Eugene reverses and hits the Angle slam, and fakes dropping the singlet! He goes ‘Nuts’ and hits the ankle lock.
IN COMES ANGLE FOR THE DQ! Tatanka and Eugene go after Kurt Angle together, and clothesline him over the top.
“He must feel like Custer” – JR
I buy into that hype.. leave me alone.
WINNER: EUGENE via DQ
Oh, so Hulk was on Larry King, and they shouldn’t show him close up anymore.
In the back Angle storms through the backstage, and Todd asks about Eugene’s Gold Medal. Angle mumbles on through a speech about them being in Pittzburg next week.
We get a flashback to last week’s stretcher match… the tombstone to Lita. Kane taking out the EMTs, and driving the ambulance away. No mention of that guy who jumped the rail… guess it was just a screw up.
Jericho is in the back with Carlito, and the way John jumped Chris was in fact.. not cool. Bischoff interrupts as they discuss plans for Summerslam together – happy that they were seeing eye to eye.
“Love handle to love handle” – Bill
“Apple to enraged razzberry” – Dani
In the back, the chairman of the board is here… VINNIE MAC! The man struts out of his damn limo.
PREDICTION FOR WHAT VINCE IS GOING TO ANNOUNCE:
“I’m dying” – Bill
“Him and his estranged wife are getting back together.. weren’t they getting a divorce a few years ago” – Dani
“Brock Lesnar” – Hernandez
“The Rabble will be an official part of the WWE” – Jen
“Cool, we’re gonna get paid?” – Hernandez
“I predict Vince is going to address those guys that keep leaping the guardrail to attack Edge.” – Me
“Honey.. it’s Matt” – Dani
“Matt who?” – Bill
“It’s Matt.” – Dani
“I want to know how you know the guy’s name..” – Me
“It’s Sister Sheri” – Hernandez
Summerslam – 3 Breasts Away
We’re back and — do you hear that? —-
OH YOU GOT NO CHAAAAANCE!!!! That’s whatcha Got!
PUPPETS! WON’T FIND THEIR PLACE IN LINE!
…still one of the greatest theme songs evah!
“The bionic kneeman, walks again.” – Jen
“Maybe they’re reopening the ‘kiss my ass’ club” – Hernandez
He discusses how it’s the 636th Edition of Monday Night Raw…
“You are all fired” – Hernandez
More episodes than any other entertainment show.. ever. A classy thing for me to do would —
“Be to flash you” – Bill
— would be to thank all of you fans. Instead of that he’s going to thank the one man who made Raw the show what it is.. made the WWE what it is… VINCENT K MCMAHON!
“Give yourself a vidoe package” – Hernandez
Apparently Vince doesn’t allow his HUGE ego to get in the way of business decisions…
“XFL?” – Me
Why would he allow guys who have stabbed him in the back time and time again? Good business… he riffs on Eric Bischoff and WCW
“He LOVES that joke.” – Hernandez.
So tonight he’s making another GOOD business decision.
“BRET FUCKING HART?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” – ME
He’s somebody who has been in the WWE. He’s been starting fires. Vince is pouring gasoline on it. He will be facing Edge at Summerslam. WHO COMES OUT OF THE LIMO – NO SHOCK! MATT HARDY.
“Version 2 Point O” – Jenna
The fact that Matt came out of the limo was pretty damn neat. The crowd goes nuts.
“One day Matt will write an autobiography and thank Lita for crushing his spirit” – Dani
Matt takes the microphone – here comes one of the coolest “shoot” interviews of the last 5 years. Matt thanks the fans for making it ok for him to come back… and now he wants to discuss the situation that brings him to this point. He busts out the real names and discusses how Lita was ‘Married’ to Kane, Amy Dumas was dating Matt Hardy. While cheating on Adam Copeland, aka Edge. This is hot.
“It broke the Internet in half. Oh, and thanks for the slut chants.” – Dani
So the Matt Hardy movement has begun. Edge has ruined Matt’s chances at a family. Edge has ruined Matt’s chances at having kids. Edge possibly even ruined Matt’s chances at being a WWE superstar.
“Why are they letting them wrestle?” – Dani
“GOOD BUSINESS!” – Hernandez
“It’s either kill or be killed, Adam. Matt Hardy will not die!” – Matt
“Somewhere out there, Rob Feinstein.. in response to this.. is touching a child” – Me
In the back, Vince struts happily… Vince says hello to Chav.. *ahem* Kerwin White. Kerwin is in fact a real middle class American. Vince has in fact forgotten what it’s like to be a middle class guy – so he’s on his way out.
Now another surprise, coming down issss VAL VENIS!
“They had to pull him away from the casino” – Hernandez
“Who are they putting him up against.. Viscera?!” – Dani
“Tomko?” – Hernandez
Val gives the towel to a hottie tot in the first row. The hottie puts it on her kid. Eww. Val’s ball sweat.
His opponent, the conman, Rob Conway – in the gayest shorts EVER!
VAL VENIS vs. ROB CONWAY
“Are they going to bring out Mister Ass next?” – Dani
“I want Pocket Rocket back again.” – Jenna
The bell rings, and the audience is confused. The lock up starts, and Rob gets the wristlock, but keeps his sunglasses on.
“Where’s the gratuitous Cory Hart reference?” – Dani
Conway brings it down to a headlock, but Val shoots him to the corner, and Rob shoulderchecks him down and Rob loses his sunglasses.. which makes Rob ‘CON UP!’
“Aww, precious lost his sunglasses” – Dani
A great combo of armbaring, with Conway bringing Val into the corner to break the hold. He tosses Val into the ropes and elbows him down, and then actually does the Steiner bicep-kiss and elbow drop. If you are going to steal from ANY wrestler, do NOT steal from Big Poppa Drugs. Conway tosses Val into the corner and gets some chops, but then is tossed into the counter corner by Val, who catches a big body drop. Rob rolls out of the ring, and Val follows.
As they fight outside, Rob gets the upperhand, slamming Val into the ring and the outside guardrail. Back in the ring, Conway kicks and stomps down on Val. He picks him up and drops him head to turnbuckle, and then a dropping irish whip sending Val down.
“This is more of an opener match, really.” – Hernandez
“After Vince, this is the 7th Inning Stretch” – Me
“You aren’t allowed to make that reference…” – Bill, on me not liking baseball.
Back in the match, Val seems to have taken control again, wrapping Rob in a modified figure four. Rob gets the ropes, and the crowd chants something loudly, but unintelligibly – Rob finally gets ahead of the game, and using his finisher which is a one man Au Revoir – renamed ‘THE EGO TRIP’.
WINNER: ROB CONWAY
COMMERCIAL – coming up next is a highlight career of Shawn Michaels
YOUR FAVORITE SHAWN MICHAEL MOMENT:
“You screwed Bret! Even though I haven’t seen it.” – Dani
“Shelton Match” – Jenna
“Any and all DX moments..” – Hernandez
“YOU TOOK MINE!” – Me
“I like his mullet – business in the front, party in the back” – Bill
“Okay, since Erik took mine, I’m taking Razor Ramon ladder match.” – Me
We come back to a fake Larry King, introducing a fake Hulk.. which is actually Shawn. OH MY GOD THIS MAKES ME MISS DX SO MUCH!
“This is my new favorite Shawn Michaels moment.” – Dani
“When I step into that ring, I’m 102 years old – Brother. Brother Brother Brother. Every day I wake up not dead, is extra bonus time, brother. Brother Brother Brother.” – Shawn.. err Hulkie.
“It’s not how old you are… it’s as old as you feel… so I’m 152 years old brother”
We lead into the highlight reel. The Time Warrior, Shawn Michaels. I’m not going to comment on it, because there are so many great moments in there.. but they do pointedly show you that he has beaten the hell out of Jeff Jarrett, Goldberg, and a bunch of great other moments.
“After seeing that, I’ve most definately gotta go back there and talk some politicking with Vince McMahon, Brother. After I left the WWF to make more money somewhere else, they let Shawn Michaels have some wins, Brother.”
Shawn then rips into everything the internet has ever said about Hogan. Shawn shows the greatest overacting ever! Then superkicks Larry King. He takes off the baldcap, and.. HEY IT’S SHAWN MICHAELS….
COMMERCIAL – Diva’s are coming out next, and they are in Dominatrix outfits.. somebody call New York Slayer.
We’re back. Five girls left. Summer, the girl in the black domme outfit, but with the happiest face ever is gone. In the ring is the American Gladiator set-up.
Our special guest judge…
“Laser!” – Jenna
“Viscera?” – Bill
…rob schneider… wretch…
“What could make the diva’s even lamer?” – Dani
“Kane should come out and tombstone him – aww, wait he’s not Pete Rose” – Hernandez
So the girls are wearing their ‘special needs’ helmets. Rob actually says “You can do it” … good christ this is horrible.
Leyla vs. Ashley – Ashley in black punky gear, Melinda in white fishnet gear.
Winner: (After two ties) Ashley
Elisabeth vs. Crystal – Elisabeth in Wonder Woman, Crystal in white silver thingies.
Elisabeth vs. Ashley
Rob seems to be completely and utterly stoned off his gourd as he goes and randomly fights with the girls, tackles the ref. The crowd is tepid. As is the Rabble.
“Carlito fact: He is alergic to apples. It makes him break out in a ‘fro” – Hernandez
“His shorts, are so gay.” – Dani
“Cena, accompanied by Helen Keller, because she can’t see him” – Bill
CARLITO vs. JOHN CENA
Championship Title Match w/ Special Guest Ref Jericho
Cena charges in and goes after Jericho before the match begins. It starts a second later, and Carlito takes the upperhand right off the bat – a few close 2 counts (given that they were one counts and Jericho is double counting). Finally Carlito brings Cena into the corner and gets spun around to eat a few chops.
Jericho grabs Cena and with CCC’s help they toss him into the counter turnbuckle, shoulder first. Cena falls to the outside – and I think they are cheating!
Back in the ring, Carlito has Cena locked up, but Cena’s fighting out of it.. standard post commercial stuff. Cena knees Carlito in the gut. A right hand, and a shoulder sends Carlito down. Carlito hits the ropes and hits a running neckbreaker on Cena. He goes for the pin a few times, but Cena gets up quickly each time.
Jericho even gets in the action and drops an elbow on Cena.
“It’s like you are a Special Ref in Raw vs. Smackdown!” – Hernandez
Carlito brings Cena right to the center of the ring and goes for the suplex, but Cena blocks it. Cena brings up his OWN suplex, but Jericho grabs his leg and CCC brings him down for a DDT. Cena’s leg on the ropes, and Jericho STILL counts the fast count for two.
Carlito tosses Cena to the ropes, Cena ducks a clothesline and hits the flying tackle. Then Cena goes after Jericho, and CCC puts him into a chinlock while Jericho yells at him.
“Does anyone have anything funny to say? It’s kind of our bread and butter…” – Bill, on how quiet we are.
Cena fights to his feet, and hits a back bodydrop. Cena hits the ropes and charges, and Carlito catches the Carlito-Rock-Bottom. CCC tosses Cena to the outside while Jericho removes the guardrail. Cena goes headfirst in, tossed into steps, and then Y2J helps CCC beat him against the railing.
They toss John into the ring again, and John gets a lucky punch, and the boys exchange punches. Cena getting the top of it, followed up by a couple of short clotheslines and a HUGE back bodydrop. Cena hits his side-powerbomb. He goes for the five knuckle shuffle, and pins CCC while Jericho watches on. Even Bischoff has his back turned. Cena goes after Chris, but Carlito gets behind him AGAIN! They exchange fists AGAIN, and Cena gets him in the corner – Jericho charges, and eats a back elbow.
Jericho hits him in the gut, and goes for the bulldog, but gets tossed to the outside. Cena hits the FU on Carlito and a ref that had been just hiding somewhere appears for the 1 . 2 . 3 .
WINNER: JOHN CENA
Jericho doesn’t take anytime though to come in and beat the hell out of Cena, including grabbing a camera from a camman, and WHACK! Cena’s busted open. If it was in fact a blade job, Cena did it awesomely. Jericho then drags him into the ring, and hits the Walls of him, while Bischoff can’t see him… but then how in the hell did he slap him?!
A cliche’ build up match, but not bad. I will say that Cena wears a NICE crimson mask.
So… what did the Rabble think?
HERNANDEZ – “It was great until after the Shawn Michaels bit, then the show went downhill fast.”
JENNA – “Matt Hardy’s back.. yay!”
DANI – “Nyeh… it’s wrestling, except for the Hardy bit.. god damn..”
BILL – “For Halloween, I’m going to dress up like Shawn Michaels dressing up like Hulk Hogan”
ME – “Great bits, mixed wrestling – looks like the new writing talent is doing wonders.”
Okay, that’s that. Now you need to go to the forums and vote on your favorite Diva! See you all later.